Tell the guy, please. I’m sure you can do it in a somewhat diplomatic way. Although I would say the sweatpants mean that he wasn’t really trying very hard anyway.
I’ve been that guy before and I’ll tell you, we don’t always know. For example, after college I lived with a bunch of guys in a messy house. We were all fairly athletic and we didn’t have cars (rode bikes or walked everywhere). One or two were outright pigs (not me!) BO was a fact of life and what might seem like bad BO to you would have been a faint whiff of rosewater to me at the time. Doesn’t mean that it’s your job to fix it just that it wouldn’t hurt to let him know the smell is coming out with him.
I can say from experience that teenaged boys must be taught about cleaning themselves up to the standard that most girls assume to be a bare minimum. I know the OP’s guy probably isn’t a teen but it is entirely possible that he just hasn’t learned yet and doesn’t smell it. Remember: If you tell a girl she smells bad she would be devastated because she has been trying to smell good. If you tell a guy, chances are you are just giving him useful information, like “hey dude, your shoe is untied”.
My wife’s feet can make me want to call in a hasmat team.
In my opinion, there’s a vast difference between the smell of a man with good general hygiene, who just happens to be sweaty from a hard day’s work/game of football/whatever and smell of a man who just doesn’t shower/wash his hair regularly.
Seems to, but of course we havent heard from him. Maybe he’s never been told anything of the kind in his entire life, suggesting that this is her problem. In any case, as I keep emphasizing, it’s irrelevant. I’m talking about a WAY to discuss the problem that may actually communicate better, by removing the stigma and shame and blame and judgment by the speaker’s taking on as much of that as possible, which is an effective communication strategy.
Of course, if this all about making the guy feel dirty and low and inhuman and reprehensible, then knock yourself out, by all means.
This is exactly how I feel. Also, I have a very strong sense of smell, to the point where I don’t like being within two feet of my husband when he’s been drinking beer because I can smell it. I don’t know if it’s his body chemistry or the smell of the bar, but it’s all sour and salty and urgh. I can smell it on his skin, his clothes and his breath. So if some guy had BO, either he’d have to do something about it or it’d be over.
Handle it this way: Next time you’re around him, pause at a random moment in the conversation and scream “Jesus Christ! What is that stench? If a pile of shit took a shit, then that shit stepped in dog shit, it would smell like that!”
Repeat a creative variation at every meeting until he makes the connection.
It’s a dealbreaker for me unless they’ve just finished some sort of heavy exercise or work and then they need to shower before they try to get within 2 feet of me. It’s not fun being face-high to a stinky wet armpit.
For some reason my partner never smells like perspiration. Ever. Even if he’s soaking wet with sweat in 100 degree heat there’s no odor whatsoever. When I ask him why he just grins and says ‘we injuns smell better than you palefaces’. Who knows why, but I’m lucky.
I’m diabetic and I live in fear of bad breath. Possibly because I cannot tolerate it in others. So I find myself with a steady supply of strong mints and gum.
Why do people with bad breath want to lean in close when they talk to you???
Failure to bath before any type of social gathering is a no-no. I don’t mind someone not using deoderant. If they showered in the last few hours, I’m sure they are OK. Which is kinda why I get skeeved out if they are stinky. Ladies who smell bad do NOT get invited back to my place.
Or maybe he’s never been told all his life because people are cowards when it comes to this sort of thing, and he could fix it if somebody would just gut up and let him know. I mean, you can’t always smell yourself.
Ok, so this is the way I look at it. Early into dating, it’s all about making your best impression, right? So if this is the best he’s got to offer, what’s in store for you down the road?
I don’t think you have an obligation to tell him anything one way or the other. Eventually, if it’s really a problem, someone closer to him will probably mention it. Bad hygiene is one of those things I really don’t respond well to. I try to be as nonjudgmental as possible but it’s really hard for me not to be… well, disgusted.
Of course I’m talking about when this is a pervasive every day problem. My husband is into running and sometimes he gets sweaty. That’s normal – also, even when he’s sweaty he doesn’t even smell that bad to me, so it really depends on that person’s body chemistry. Maybe you have a sensitive nose, but either way your body chemistries do not mix, and you should in no way feel bad for giving him the slip.
Because it is implicit in a person finding someone else stinky is that “he smells bad” means “he smells bad to me.” What does it matter if he smells like shit or you only think he smells like shit due to your defective nose? That only matters if you’re going to inform the guy of it, and a lot of us have said we would not assume that responsibility. So if the question is not “how do you tell him?” but rather “do you tell him at all?”, and the answer to that is “NO,” then blame or fault for the situation is irrelevant. Sure, I can completely see that if a girl or guy is finding everyone they interact with to be smelly, they may well want to wonder “maybe it’s me.” But if The Stink is a one-time situation and you’re not going on date No. 2 anyway, AND you’re not saying anything to the guy – who cares if he really stinks, or you only think he does? If you’re not actually going to say anything to him, then “approach” is irrelevant – approach to what? You conclude you don’t want to see him again and you move on. I don’t see much difference in that event between “He smells bad” and “I think he smells bad.”
That said, if a person does insist on having that conversation – which I, unlike many others here, do not think is a kindness – then you’re absolutely right, it’s kindest to be as gentle with the guy as you can. Couching the talk in terms of Smeller’s perceptions instead of Smelly’s defects is as good a way to lessen the sting as any.
And I don’t believe that massively stinky people just wander the earth, lonely, because people are too “cowardly” to inform them that they are off-putting. There are people who should have that conversation with you, who arguably do have an obligation to delicately broach the subject. Those people are your friends and family, not some poor girl who only went on a single date with you.
This makes no sense. You’re suggesting that she invent a whole web of ridiculous lies for absolutely no good reason.
It’s one thing to broach the subject with a “maybe it’s just me but…” and quite another to talk about some fake “sensitivity” that she’s been “trying to get over” but failing. The former is a polite way to broach a difficult subject, and the latter is just absurd.
Besides, why are you assuming that she’s “finicky.” She’s not saying that many or most guys don’t meet her nasal standards. She’s just saying that this one doesn’t. I see no reason to think that she’s oversensitive. It’s much more likely that this guy is just smelly. Occam’s razor and all that.
I just caught up with this thread from last night, and it is cracking me up.
He’s not the same guy that wore sweatpants. I picked him up that night, so he wasn’t smelly from sweating on a bike or anything. He has many strikes against him, including the fact that I have to go pick him up and take him home, and it’s not me. I rarely find people that smell so bad I can’t take it, and I have teenaged boys!! It’s not me!
I don’t feel any obligation to give him the benefit of the doubt. At this point, I am so turned off that I’d make a face if he tried to kiss me, and that’s just not romantic now is it? Plus, you know, women tend to be with men that smell good to them- it’s biological, so if he doesn’t smell good to me it literally means that he’s not right for me. Scientifically.
The problem is what to tell him… I’ll need to email him tomorrow.
Plus claiming some rare sensitivity that you’ve been trying to overcome doesn’t help this situation - if you’re breaking up with Stinky Person anyway, they either have zero incentive to investigate why they’re stinky because you’re just “weird” and they don’t believe anyone else could possibly be affected, or it may be seen as the only possible reason why the breakup is occurring (rather than “this isn’t going to work out anyway, but you do stink”) and the person will go through lots of hoops to try to win you back.
“It’s me, not you” is unuseable in a post-Seinfeld era. It’s equivalent to “the checks’s in the mail” and “I won’t come in your mouth.” You might as well wear a sign around your neck saying “I’m a lying liar who is lying to you right now.”
And I am NOT (read that capitalized word very carefully) telling Alice to use this here, because I don’t think she needs to have this conversation with this guy. But more broadly, I am wondering why so many people, including you, feel the need to be overtly judgmental. The truth is that, if we step back from this exact situation, and look at it as “Person A takes offense from the way Person B smells, and wishes to inform him of her perception in a way that might change his hygiene habits…” without knowing whether we might find the smell as offensive as she does, why not view it as her problem? It IS her problem, in that she doesn’t like the way he smells, and he’s free to change his hygiene habits or not as he pleases. What she’s free to do is to spend her time in his company, or not, and making that choice is her problem, not his. If she wants to explain to him how she’s solving her problem, what’s the point of brutal honesty?
We’re brutally honest with each other all the time, mostly for the sake of making each of us feel self-justified about our perceptions, without thinking of a) what’s going to get the results we want and b) what pleases us at the risk of offending others. Sure, it may hurt Alice’s pride here to express the problem in terms of her perceptions, rather than “You stink, pal,” and, sure, she can’t be sure that that’s an accurate way to look at this problem, but that’s not the subject of discussion here–it’s what she could say to him that might help him re-think his hygiene habits.
People are defensive (that’s what I’m addressing on both ends, in two different senses: Alice’s avoidance of defensiveness and the guy’s likely defensiveness in picking up on her message.) All we can control is our own defensiveness.
Update: Tonight I sent him a short email, saying that I can’t see him again, I’m just not feeling it, good luck. I just got an email back from him asking me to tell him what was wrong. He really wanted me to be honest about it, he said, so he would know for next time. I emailed him back that okay, if he insists, he needs to shower and wear deodorant and clean clothes, especially on a date. !! Yikes. I feel bad and am curious as to whether he will respond. No matter what he says I’m forever turned off from him, though. We will not be dating again.
I think you handled it just right - let him down easy but unequivocally, then told him the details when he asked. I don’t think you have much reason to feel bad.
That ends well, imo. I remember being attracted to a guy, and then turned off my his smell. Not that he was dirty, he just didn’t smell “right” to me.
A year later, one of my friends fell in love with him and married him. One of the things she liked about him was how good he smelled, even after exercise or a day’s work.