I would be in debt to anyone who can remember the movie which has a crashing bore (with a beard) who repeats this joke at a party several times?
Damn… here’s the whole joke:
There was once a snail who always dreamed of becoming a race-car driver. One day he learned that his uncle had died and left him a large amount of money! Now his dream could be realized! He bought himself a race car, souped it up, and then painted large red letter S’s all over it.
When he was at his first race, a friend of his asked why had had painted his car that way. “Simple,” the snail replied. “When people see me and my race car go zooming down the track, I want them all to exclaim, Look at that S-car go!”
A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart.
While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room.
He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what’s with her wearing the two coats?
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, ''FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS".
I used to LOVE this joke when I was a kid!!
What’s the best day for a parade?
March 4th.
Forestry joke:
Two trees–one beech, one birch–start talking in a forest, and notice a sapling coming up between them.
Birch: “They looks like one of mine.”
Beech: “What are you talking 'bout? That is a beech, just like his daddy.”
For days the two argue back and forth. One day, a woodpecker flies into the neighborhood and the trees call him over.
“You’re a tree expert, Mr. Woodpecker. What kind of tree is that?” asks one of the trees.
“Let’s see,” the bird says, inspecting the sapling. “It’s not a son of a beech. It’s not a son of a birch. But it is a fine piece of ash!”
Ba-da-bump-bump.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”
In the previous joke, the Buddhist hands the hot dog vendor a $10 bill. The vendor puts it in the till and smiles. “Hey, where’s my change?” says the Buddhist.
“Change comes from within.”
It’s from Trading Places with Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd.
What’s the difference between a nun in church and a nun in the bath?
One has hope in her soul and the other has soap in her… 
Second favorite:
A guy discovers he has a really smart horse. This horse totally puts Clever Hans to shame. The horse is sooooo smart he quickly masters calculus and differential equations. But the horse has a flaw. No matter how much his owner tutors him, the horse simply cannot grasp Cartesian coordinates. In fact, whenever the owner even attempts to teach the horse geometry, the horse gets really upset. In desperation, the owner goes to the most learned professor at the university and explains the problem.
The professor says “The answer is simple. Everyone knows you can’t put Descartes before the horse.” (cue the groans 
)
Reminds me of the classic:
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but it has to want to change.
Stupid? Most assuredly. Hilarious? Absolutely!!
Here’s another:
How do you kill a blue elephant?
Shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
You hold his trunk till he turns blue, then you shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
Did you hear about the new pirate movie coming out?
-It’s rated arrrrrrrrr!
A dog is out frolicking in a field, when he notices a horse tied up to the fence. The horse looks pretty agitated from watching the dog playing for so long. So the dog goes up to the horse and says, “Hey, what’s the problem?” and the horse says, “Holy Shit, a talking dog!”
And the version I know of a previously mentioned joke:
Did you hear Yugo’s making a van now?
-It’s called WeAllGo
Why should you never fly with Peter Pan?
Because you’ll Never Never Land!
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, did you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your crotch?” The pirate says, “Arrr! It’s drivin’ me nuts!”
Two ducks are sitting in a bath, one says to the other, can you pass me the soap, and the other one says, what do I look like? A toaster?
What does a Jewish Pirate get on his 13th birthday?
A barrrrrr-mitvah!