In the fine tradition of the Skaldthetical, I propose the following: over the last few months, you’ve been getting secret messages from your future self (in the mail, little notes in the newspaper that only you would notice, emails, etc. – whatever would convince you). Suffice to say, you’re convinced that your future self is actually trying to communicate with you. He/she (you) fills you in on the future (or one possible future) via email or something – in short, there’s a robot rebellion (ala The Terminator) at some point, but the humans are victorious. He/she tells you that he/she is sending a T-800 for you to command, but his/her messages are cut off – for an unknown reason, you lose contact with him/her. A few days later, you get a knock on the door – it’s the T-800, slightly modified to not look and sound so much like Arnold. All he says is that he is here for you to command – your future self had to rush because there was an attack, and the T-800 doesn’t have any more information than you do about why he is here.
So now you have a T-800 to command. For those unfamiliar with the Terminator series, the T-800 is a robot with a living, organic exterior, such that it looks, feels, and sounds just like a human. It has a sophisticated brain, can learn, and is very smart, but is not particularly good at emulating human emotions. It is extremely strong and tough, though the organic exterior is as susceptible to damage as our own skin (and can heal like our own skin). It has an internal fusion reactor (or something) capable of powering it for decades or more. In the movies, T-800s were used for assassinations and infiltrations, and they were very, very good at their jobs.
What do you do? He will do anything at all that you order.
Let’s say that’s not allowed (say, the one order it won’t obey is to disassemble itself). Or that you can do this and get rich (or, alternately, submit the T-800 to various sports like boxing and MMA and get rich that way), but then you still have a functioning T-800 to command. So what else would you do with it?
I want the true Arnold version. I will send him to Hollywood and make hundreds of millions renting him out as a buff wooden actor with a sense of humor. And my house will be spotless and car sparkling.
I’d probably try to set myself up as a government vendor and send my T-800 around the world at the behest of the Pentagon… for a hefty fee.
Think about it… some lone beefy white guy wanders into Kim Jong Un’s palace and starts wrecking shop, and after everyone’s dead, just walks out into the ocean. (where a US sub picks him up. The North Koreans would scream bloody murder and blame the US, but really… who would believe them?
You’re underestimating the utility of a Robot Butler
Dog walked even when it’s raining
No more running out of milk
You’ll always have a designated driver
Your kids will have the best show and tell ever
Useful umbrella stand when he’s not doing anything else
I might consider sending him to North Korea and taking out the top cadre. That would probably lead to a disaster for current North Koreans but maybe it would end the madness and give the next generation a chance to actually live.
I would come home from work every day to a beautifully cooked meal, freshly washed dogs, a sparkling home and a deep shoulder massage…all without having to change my gender preference and time traveling to find a 1950s wife.
My yard work would be impeccably completed, no matter what football game was on. My car would be mechanically sound, home repairs would be kept up on constantly, my ‘honey-do’ list would be completed the same day it was written. (Hooray!)
I would always have an escort to the company Christmas party who would not let my boss drink too much and flirt with me.
I would have someone who would notice and admire my new hairstyle and be perfectly fine standing in the corner of my room at night while I hog the bed, snore contentedly, and wear odd colored face creams and a big ole granny flannel nightie.
Yes, I think small, but it is all about me until my future self tells me differently.