Your lover tells you he/she is a murderer. What do you do?

Here’s the sitch:

After a lengthy period of singlehood and loneliness, you meet a person of the gender appropriate for your sexual identity and preference. The two of you hit it off wonderfully, compatible in sex drive, politics, religious philosophy, and whatever else matters to you.

Two months into the relationship, you broach the subject of future commitment. You’re not proposing marriage or cohabitation, but you want things to head that way, and so you want to agree to be exclusive. Your lover sighs and tells you one of the following:

(a) Five years before the two of you met, your lover’s child was kidnapped and murdered. The killer got off on a technicality, but there was no doubt of his guilt, and so your lover snapped in rage and killed him. At trial, he/she was found not-guilty, either on a temporary insanity plea or outright jury nullification. (The lover provides documentation–news stories, et cetera–to back up his/her version of events.)

(b) The same thing happened ten years before, except that your lover was found guilty and served a stretch in prison. Similar documentation.

© Same as (b), except that the killing not only premeditated but also was so shrewdly planned and executed so that your lover was never arrested or even seriously suspected of any wrongdoing; it looked like an accident. No documentation, for obvious reasons.

(d) Same as © except that your lover was a suspect and has been on a fugitive using an assumed name for all this time. No documentation, and your lover does not volunteer his/her real name but agrees to tell you if you ask.

What do you do?

Why do you have a Need To Know?


Let’s discuss it over tea and almond cookies.

Only if you’re Jodie Foster!

Kill them first. You’re next on their list, so it’s best to kill them, and then to chop up their corpse (for transportation purposes, of course) and then drag them to the police station and tell them what they did.

All of that seems like perfectly obvious reactions to the situation at hand to me (seriously). I would feel a little burdened by the situation but never hold it against any parent to kill the murderer of their child. Situation “D” could introduce some type of “America’s Most Wanted” type of trailer park dealings so I wouldn’t care much for that but it is still circumstantial.

Yup. As a parent, I think killing the murderer of your child should be legal.

Situation D, however, would be problematic, and I wouldn’t really want to have that sort of thing in my life.

Not really a problem here. Unique circumstances, very unlikely to reoccur so there’s no associated percieved risk to society or myself by being with this person. If I’m already close enough to consider something life long with her, it’s a shock, but not a deal-blocker.

A bit more problematical. In (a) and (b) this person has had their actions judged by society, and they’ve been punished as much as society feels appropriate. Now, however, I’ve been given reason to believe I’ve just been introduced to a conspiracy to protect someone from the consequences of first degree murder. In some jurisdictions I believe that this means unless I report it - I’m now liable to be charged as a conspirator in the crime, if it ever comes out.

It’s self-centered of me, and ties in so well with my paranoia, but my first reaction is that I’m pissed that I’ve been put into that legal jeopardy. Secondly, I’m far more happy with the civil disobedience model of situations (a) and (b) where there was a sembelance of doing what one felt was morally necessary, even where the laws were against it. And then taking whatever legal consequences might follow from that. That’s the act of someone whom I could believe still believes that society has the right to police itself, and to set standards of behavior for it’s members that those members must, then, adhere to.

By bragging about having indulged in vigilante justice, without facing the consequences of that act, I’d be very concerned about whether this person felt that they were above all other rules and laws as well. And, quite frankly, whether the case for the guilt of the alleged kidnapper were as open and shut as were being presented.

I suspect I’d break things off in this case.

See my answer for ©.

Since your Location is “Right Behind Me,” I think I’ll keep quiet.

A and B I don’t have that much of a problem with, depending upon the person and the events that had taken place it might be a bit of a shock, but the surrounding circumstances were all taken care of legally and aboveboard. C and D exhibit dishonesty. If they’ll lie about something THAT huge…hmmmm, that’s a problem.

It’s not so much what they did, but the basic character they have regarding what they did.

I’d run. In any circumstance. Does that make me a bad person? If so, I don’t really care. Chock this one up as an automatic deal-breaker.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too much baggage for a relationship aged month two. We’re done.

I dated a cool woman for a few months till she told me:
-she was previously a Meth addict (but wasn’t that firm on when it was truly over)
-she has a child that she lost custody of
-she has an abusive ex boyfriend who still stalks her

No matter how great someone is, that’s too much too soon.

I don’t think I could stick around in any scenario. Maybe A, possibly B, but definitely not C or D. For lots of reasons, ranging from moral to legal, but above all else, it’s stupid to execute the perfect murder and then tell people about it. Also, I’d go to the police because now I could be an accessory after the fact, and no thank you.

I’m not really into dating parents, so for that reason, I’d probably jump ship.

Then again, that scene in Goodfellas where Ray Liotta’s character beats up a guy for putting the moves on his girl did always get me really hot…

But seriously, I’d have to bail.

In all situations, it’s over:

Scenario A and B: I don’t want to be around anyone with a history of snapping and killing people.

Scenario C: I don’t want someone that calculating when it comes to murder.

Scenario D: I didn’t even know his real name? Fuck that, I’m gone.

Well, they aren’t a parent anymore.

Yeah…if there is a hell, I’ve already bought a ticket.

This reminds me of the drunken conversations I used to have with my friends, on whether we would REALLY help each other hide dead bodies or not.

I think I could live with my lover being a murderer, depending on the circumstances. At any rate, the murder part wouldn’t be a dealbreaker in and of itself.

I’ll save you a seat in the handbasket.

Yes, I did think of that–not a parent. But well, you know, parents have that a different mentality. They’re mature and such. I don’t think I could date someone who’s got a child. Even if it’s a dead child.

Meh. I’d do the same (probably with scenario c) if someone murdered my hypothetical child. Not a dealbreaker at all.

A + B, maybe. It’d be a major stressor on the relationship. Perhaps enough to sink it, but I’d give it a shot.

C + D, never. I’d never be able to truly believe their side of the story. I wouldn’t be able to believe that this was a unique situation that would never occur in *our *relationship. And if I played along, I’d be an accessory to murder. Screw that.