It was very recently brought to my attention that my father, who molested me several times when I was 11 (15 years ago), also molested another young female in our family. One of my cousins. I didn’t tell anyone about it until I was 24 (couple years back), and she didn’t tell anyone until just now. I was not aware that this was something that had happened to anyone other than me, and for various reasons it got me thinking.
The statute of limitations on filing charges tolled a long time ago, so I’m not looking to do that. I am wondering if I should out these skeletons to his girlfriend. I do not know much about her or whether she has any children, but I have a legitimate concern that he may do things to another young girl if given the opportunity. I haven’t been in contact with him for a few years now. But I know that I could get his address from my sister.
I guess I just wonder if I should say anything to her, or if I should just keep doing what I’m doing now (which is nothing). I was reasonably content to just cut off contact with him but again, I am worried about him re-offending if given the opportunity.
That’s not the kind of secret that should be kept. The girlfriend needs to know, and he needs to know that both you and your cousin are keeping a big old hairy eyeball on him.
Could he demand that you and/or the other victim produce proof? And if you couldn’t, could he sue you for slander? Or for any reason? I’m not saying you should not take action but I do think you need to consider all the possible consequences first.
I think you should tell her. Fuck him- she needs to know, and he shouldn’t get a free pass on his heinous actions just because you were too scared or embarrassed or whatever at the time, to tell anyone. Some people won’t like you for it, some people will think you’re just stirring up drama, but if she has kids or grandkids, you might be saving them the trauma that you suffered. Tell, tell, tell.
She absolutely needs to know, and I’d be willing to bet that he has other victims besides you and your cousin. He is a predator. Anyone in a close relationship with him should be warned.
Be prepared for him to tell her you’re a liar, though.
It’s salient information that people need to make an informed decision about whether Aunty and her nice new boyfriend should babysit this weekend or whatever.
The best reason I can figure not to tell is that he’s going to suffer some drama, big fucking deal. Predators need to be named and called out, the right of some other kid not being potentially victimized trumps whatever rights he thinks he has.
ETA: If it helps to know, I told. I was molested at a very young age by an older male relative for years. When my parents found out, they were able to put a stop to it, although for complicated dramatic reasons nothing was ever actually done, no charges filed, etc. Fast forward twenty odd years and I’m an adult and a parent myself and I find out that my cousins are fine with leaving their toddler daughters in the same house. Maybe he’d reformed, maybe it was the seventies and he took a lot of drugs, maybe I’m the only kid he ever fucked around with, maybe he got religion, who knows? But I sat each cousin down and made them listen, in detail, to exactly what had happened to me so they could know exactly what risks they were taking. After that, their choice and I just hoped for the best. But no way was I going to let bygones be bygones when there were kids at risk.
It’s probably a safe bet the women has children. It’s the kind of thing these slimey people would look for I’d wager in a potential mate.
Even if you can’t press charges against him could you at least not file a complaint ? Also if you find out she does have kids inform Child Services in the area that he lives in. Maybe if he knows his victims are going to talk he may think twice.
I don’t care if I’m believed or if he disclaims it to her or not (in fact I expect that). I have no contact with my father whatsoever anymore, and I wouldn’t be disseminating this message with the intention of gathering feedback. I’d just be putting it out there and then letting her do what she likes with the information.
I do not have proof, obviously. Just anecdotes of my own and others.
I used to feel this way, but that ship has sailed for me. The best revenge is living well (or in this case, living while depriving him of interaction with me) as far as I’m concerned. I’ve actually heard through the grapevine that he often cries himself to sleep at night, which makes me smile a little on the inside. Mona-Lisa-style.
I really appreciate all the contributions and am kinda surprised, I figured most people would tell me to butt out. One more question: would I still be obligated to say something if I were to find out she doesn’t have kids or grandkids?
Part of me knows that the right thing to do is tell.
The other part of me expects that it will fall on deaf ears and accomplish nothing.
However, if there’s even a 1% chance that the girlfriend has seen some signs and is already suspicious and open to hearing this? And that could lead to someone else not getting victimized? Well, there’s only one course of action.
I don’t know abut obligated, but I would, because she has the right to know who she’s dating. If she wants to date a child molester, that’s fine, if she doesn’t expose him to children, but she has the right to go into it with full disclosure.
I would say yes, because you still never know when he could gain access to children, and because she has a right to know what kind of person she’s with.
Would anyone with more legal experience than I have care to weigh in on this concern? If the OP just says something to her father’s new galpal on the phone, is it possible for him to bring legal action against her?
Frankly, OP, I’d be surprised if folks here DID tell you to butt out. This is important information you have here.
I guess I am too used to others minimizing it. I am surprised but in a very good way.
I’d also be interested to know potential legal ramifications, though more likely I would write a letter instead of making a call. So um, libel instead of slander? Or however that works.
I’m not sure the statute of limitations would have been exceeded in this case. For one thing, it would not necessarily begin when you were 11 years old. It might not start until you were 18 or 21. Also, there are conditions such that it would not begin until you were reasonably able to report the crime. The trauma involved with the crime itself may arguably have prevented you from reporting and thus extended the statute.
You could get legal council before passing judgment about prosecution. Pedophile priests are being prosecuted decades later in some states.
Slander is typically very hard to prove. He would have to show material damages, prove you lied (the truth is a perfect defense), and show that you lied maliciously. The odds of legal retaliation are very low, even if he were to make noises about it, especially if you can produce other victims.
ETA IANAL, so I wouldn’t want you to rely on my word alone (even though I’m right).
You’d certainly be justified in telling his girlfriend that he molested you. I’d hesitate to report on the cousin’s story though, or at least to identify the victim. This is treading seriously on the cousin’s privacy. Of course if she gives you permission to speak on her behalf, that would be different.
Thanks, Dio. Even lay-law is more than I know so it’s all very helpful.
I wouldn’t identify my cousin by name, SeldomSeen. But regardless, it’s actually a cousin on my mom’s side of the family and there’s no way they would ever know each other even by reputation, given that 1) my parents have been divorced for so long, 2) I would never invite the two of them to any family function with myself in common, and 3) My sister is a lesbian and will never host a wedding.
I checked the SOL for my state and I believe it required filing a suit by age 25/before age 26. I have not received counseling or anything like that so I don’t think I have a medical leg to stand on as far as trying to justify an extension of the SOL. I’m also not willing to put myself through a trial or be judged by family, friends, acquaintances, and/or the court of public opinion. I don’t want to have to worry about requesting time off of work for court dates. And I don’t want to feel responsible if my father attempts or commits suicide as a result of my pressing charges. I know, I wouldn’t actually be responsible yada yada, but I know how my brain works and I don’t want the guilt.