In the wake of the Penn State scandal, its become increasingly clear that even if you hear of an allegation of sexual abuse you should report it. You could spare many future children from harm.
Well about those who know first hand about who the sexual predators are? The victims. At some point in their lives theyshould be of age to take on responsibilty. It seems that every time one of these child molestation cases comes to light it is the result of a victim coming forward. He’s then called a hero when all he’s done its just the right thing. And then the rest of the mature victims come forward to seal the case and stand up for the subsequent lawsuit.
I regret to say I am victim from almost 50 years ago. I’ve known guys who bragged he sucked their cocks while all the perp did to me is reach out and grab my 13 year old balls and held on for several seconds. It felt good and I was embarrassed. The community simply saw him as a rich benefactor and a harmless queer.
I could have reported this anytime all these years. I didn’t, the guy is most likely dead now but I do regret not having done so. I think it probably stems from the erroneous idea that we weren’t really harmed.
I was violently raped over 30 years ago when I was 19, and for months after the fact I felt extremely guilty about not turning the guy in, because it was clear that what he did to me was part of a regular pattern. At the time I figured nobody would take me seriously (it was in a different country, I was an art student hippy chick and he was an established business owner) so quite likely my intuition was correct.
Later, I spent seven years volunteering as a rape crisis counselor, and currently volunteer one day a week at a domestic violence/sexual assault survivor safe house. I’m well-aware that I do this in part to “atone” for not taking action against the rapist 34 years ago.
That said, it’s complex and I hope you don’t feel guilty now, because you were NOT responsible.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds as though the OP is asking whether victims of abuse have a responsibility to report the abuse, not whether they share responsibility for the abuse having happened in the first place. It’s an important distinction.
There is no rulebook that dictates how one should “properly” absorb and live with an act of abuse in a way that makes it best liveable for that person.
That’s what I meant when I said “it’s complex.” There can be a tremendous amount of guilt and secrecy involved. And, as the OP said, it can feel good, which adds to the guilt. Also of course some victims - the Penn State victims certainly - are very young and hoodwinked/manipulated by the rapist.
So, no. It is very often not the responsibility of victims to report sexual assault. Certainly if they are young or otherwise vulnerable, feeling responsible for reporting the assault on top of the guilt and responsibility most feel afterwards is neither realistic nor fair. IMHO.
In a perfect world we’d all stand up for ourselves and turn in abusing sunsabitches if we suffered abuse.
But in the real world that abuse is only the beginning of our torment if we live through it and THAT torment is what keeps people from reporting the abuse. We may be too busy beating ourselves up for somehow bearing responsibility for the abuse to turn someone else in for its commission.
Many times the abuser has not only abused the victim physically, but emotionally as well. “If you tell anyone I’ll…” is a common threat, as well as being told they won’t be believed. When there is a large age and/or status difference, it’s not difficult for the victim to believe the abuser.
It’s also embarassing as hell. We (mostly) are raised not to discuss our sex life. It’s difficult to sit down with strangers and tell them in detail exactly what was done to you. I’m sure it’s even more difficult for a child to do so.
Once another vicitm comes forward and is believed, it’s easier to come forward. But it’s never easy and it’s never comfortable.
I’ve deliberately not been following the Penn State scandal, but based on what I do know I think it’s quite likely that the victims would not have been believed if they had come forward. Jerry Sandusky was well regarded locally both as a coach and for his charitable work with children. At least some of his victims were boys he met through the charity he founded for troubled kids. This means his victims likely had backgrounds that would make them seem less than credible, and may not have been well equipped to report what had happened to them in a way that seemed convincing to the authorities. In the absence of witnesses or physical signs of abuse then it all might have come down to the word of some lone delinquent against a beloved pillar of the community.
Sandusky’s charity presumably did provide actual help to children in addition to giving him a pool of victims, so the victims may have felt torn between gratitude for what Sandusky had done for them and fear/anger/shame over what he’d done to them.
And to add, I was only thinking about abuse victims who have achieved maturity and some distance of time from the abuse . It appears that abuse can go on for decades and you may have been a victim at 10 years of age but say now you are 25 years old. Children are still at risk.
How to frame this. I experienced an incident of abuse as a child. At the time I knew that what happened was wrong, but I also felt that I was partly responsible for it happening for hanging out with the abuser willingly. Who would I have reported it too? I was more worried about getting in trouble for being there. I kept my mouth shut. I did hear later that he had been charged with sexual assault and that was good enough for me.
Maybe times have changed and there is more awareness of child sexual abuse and it’s taken more seriously, but when it happened to me, I had no idea of what to make of it and what to do about it.
Teenage boys were bragging about a guy giving them a blow job? Isn’t that usually the kind of thing that gets you mocked, not something you’d want to brag about? Especially back in the day?
Don’t get me wrong, I believe you. I’m just shocked, that’s all. The thought of straight teenage boys admitting to another guy’s lips being anywhere near their dick (much less bragging about it) is foreign to me.
Yeah, I just can’t imagine a teenage boy – then or now, to be honest – bragging about it. Even for all the beer and cigarettes in the world. I’m sure it happens but it just seems like something that most adolescents wouldn’t want to admit to in front of their friends.
Perhaps my hometown was an anomoly. There never was any gay bashing at that time, although we (the young teen age boys) knew of quite a few queers in the town decades before anyone came out of the closet. These “cocksuckers” were held in contempt though.
I’m not saying I wouldn’t believe a kid who said they were being abused. I’m just saying it seems weird that teen boys, who aren’t exactly known for enlightened attitudes towards gay people, would brag about getting a blow job from a man.