Is to cheer me up. Dh just left for a 4 month deployment & I’m depressed now. Your mission: make me laugh. All posts will be rated. This message will self destruct in 5 seconds…
Well, I got this joke in my email yesterday and it made ME laugh:
Mary: My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once.
Jill: Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?
Mary: I said, “If you can’t satisfy one woman, why would you
want to piss off another one?”
No joke.
Just want Kim on top of me tonight.
Just picture me trying to install a ceiling fan in our new house on a 20 foot tall ceiling. This is rife with comedic possiblities due to:
- My phobia regarding heights.
- A vaguely rickety ladder.
- The general clumsiness that comes with having limbs as long as mine.
- I have never installed one before.
- My dad has, on different occasions, cut his finger half off, sliced a gash in his thigh, and given himself a concussion using power tools. This may be genetic.
So, picture me either falling to the ground, causing deep scarring, or electrocuting myself. That ought to be worth a chuckle or two.
Guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing saran wrap instead of pants. The doctor says…
“I can clearly see your nuts”
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=31491
Try this link. That should be good for a few laughs.
Well, if ChrisP can link to one of his own threads, so can I.
This incident has to be one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done in my life. My family still gets a kick out of reminding me about it, yet they continue to ask me to do free electrical work around the house for them.
BTW, have you clicked on the link in my sig line? That jacket got some laughs at the wedding reception I wore it to.
Here’s a good one…
The Human Behavior Development Department of Harvard was wondering why the head of the penis was larger than the shaft. So they spent $35,000 to conduct a study and decided that it was to give the male more pleasure.
The Human Behavior Development Department of Stanford, not wanting to be out done, did a similar study on the reason for the size difference and spent $39,000 only to decide that it was to give the woman more pleasure.
After reading about this at the University of Wisconsin they did a study of their own and spent $7.00 on a case of Old Milwaukee and discovered that it was to keep the man’s hand from slipping off and accidentally punching himself in the face.
Cheer up!!!
What’s the last thing that goes through a little bug’s head when it smashed intro your windshield at 60mph?
It’s ass.
And for even more laughs, learn all about The Steakhouse Incident…dum dum duuuuuum.
(By the way, make sure you’re not eating anything when you read that. Especially if it coontains macaroni.)
You know what the best part about hitting yourself in the head with a hammer is?
How good it feels when you stop.
Heck, just thinking about those ‘coontains’ got a chuckle out of me. 
Sounds like some sort of Cajun sex toy.
Subject: 9 Sex Jokes
>
>
> 9
> A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he
> turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
> beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both
> startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I
> know you’ll forgive me.”
> She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow,I’m in room 1221.”
> ********************************************************
> 8
> A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
> “What can I get you?” the bartender inquires.
> “I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man.
> “6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?”
> “Yeah,my first blowjob.”
> “Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.”
> “No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing
will.”
> *********************************************************
> 7
> A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an
> absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices
> she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and
> she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It
> identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish
> men have the biggest average diameter.By the way, my name is Jill. What’s
> yours?”
> He coolly replies, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.”
> ***********************************************************
> 6
> One night, as a couple lay down for bed,the husband gently taps his wife
on
> the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:
> “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I
want
> to stay fresh.”
> The husband,rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later,
> he
> rolls back over and taps his wife again.
> This time he whispers in her ear: “Do you have a dentist appointment
> tomorrow too?”
> ************************************************************
> 5
> Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number
of
> years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
> terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
> slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk
about
> it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
> the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later,Bill came home
> absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously
> wrong.
> “What’s wrong,Bill?” she asked.
> “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
> penis into the pickle slicer?”
> “Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
> “Yes,I did.”
> “My God, Bill, what happened?” “I got fired.”
> “No,Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickleslicer?”
> “Oh…she got fired too.”
> **************************************************************
> 4
> A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for
> several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of
> just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out
> and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should
> try
> rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes
> in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor
> suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
> outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be
> embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later,
white
> as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
> The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: “She choked.”
> ************************************************************
> 3
> A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
> alligator up on the bar.He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make
you
> a deal.I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then
> the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth
> and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing
> this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”
> The crowd,murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,dropped his
> trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator
> closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
> After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator
hard
> on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his
> genitals unscathed as promised.
> The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man
> stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing
> to give it a try”. A hush fell over the crowd.
> After a while,a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke
> up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the
> beer bottle”.
> ***************************************************************
> 2
> A small white guy goes into an elevator,when he gets in he notices a huge
> black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the
> small white guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds,20 inch dick, 3 pound
> left ball, 3 pound right ball,Turner Brown”
> The small white guy faints!!
> The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to,slapping
> his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. “What’s wrong?”.
> The small white guy says; “Excuse me but what did you say?”.
> The big black dude looks down and says “7 foot tall, 350
> pounds,20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball,my nameis
Turner
> Brown.”
> The small white guy says,“Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '”
> ***********************************************************
> 1
> There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
sitting
> at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his
> wife,
> “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”
> “Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years agowewere sitting here at
> this
> breakfast table together.”
> “I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as
> jaybirds
> fifty years ago.”
> “Well,” the granny snickered, “What do you say…should we get naked?”
> Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
> "You know, honey,"the little old lady breathlessly replied,“My nipples
> are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”
> “I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps.
> "One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!
Q) What’s the difference between boogers & broccoli?
A)Kids won’t eat broccoli.
Q) Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A) If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
Lame, I know. But I laughed! 
Q What do you call a pig with laryngitis?
A Disgruntled.
All I have to say about your story, is that you have a GREAT wife. I hope you tell her everyday how much you appreciate her! There are not many women who would have handled the situation as gracefully as she!
lunasea: Here’s the best I can do:
A dedicated lurker offers his VERY FIRST POST to cheer you up!
(Does this mean I think too much of myself?)
I will dedicate my 149 post to you!
Oh wait, that’s unoriginal. Hmmm, let me see if i have any old joke emails. Hmmmm, Oh,
I know!
Hugs
((lunasea)) from a fellow moonian.
My goodness. :eek:
ChiefScott, I can’t believe I spent the entire evening on top of ChiefScott.
No wonder I woke up so tired this morning. What a night!
Thanks guys!
KimKatt: LOL
ChiefScott: That’s about what I expected from a skimmer 
Mullinator: I promise I won’t laugh (much.)
xizor: lol
ChrisP: Thanks!
Bratman: Ouch…reminds me of the time I fell down the stairs and landed with my ass in a trashcan.
Rachelle:
Friedo: Curse my good imagination!
Sealemon: Thanks for the advice.
John Larrigan: Ha Ha-my favorite is #2
Persephone: me too
DVious: groaning
KneadToKnow: Thanks you big sweetie!
lunapark: I hope it shines on you tonight.
new quiz for management, if they get any right then they are over qualified.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers.
>Here is something to make you use your brains. The following short
>quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a
>“professional”. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not
>that difficult.
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> How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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> The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and
>close the door.
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> This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an
> overly complicated way.
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> How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
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> Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close
> the refrigerator.
> Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in
> the elephant and close the door.
>
>This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your
> actions.
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>The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
> attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
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> Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
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> This tests your memory.
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> OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
> you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
>
>There is a river you must cross. But crocodiles inhabit it. How do
> you manage it?
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>Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending
> the Animal Meeting.
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>This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.