I used to date a woman whose family always gave the father a can of WD40 each year for Christmas. I know there was a story behind it, but one of the things that I wondered about was: how much could he go through each year that he would need another the following year?
Here is the gift I couldn’t wait to share with you all: with me, posing in it.
Sorry it’s not a better pic; I had to take it myself. Prepare to die! 
I got a plastic St Joseph to plant in my yard (I’m trying to sell my house)and an ‘Ov Glove’, which kinda rocks, from my ex husband.
I got a lava lamp. It’s actually pretty neat, and it’s quite happy in its new home on top of the entertainment center. So it was actually a good gift, but my first thought upon opening it was “WTF lava lamp?”
That’s pretty cool. I got one as a gift back in college and a home cooked meal followed by chocolate fondue was always a hit with the ladies. I do believe that fondue set got me laid on many an occasion.
My son got two presents that we thought were pretty weird, but he asked for them: a lava lamp and a WVU gnome. He doesn’t have a yard, so I guess it’s an apartment gnome.
My mom gave me a book on tassel making (seriously - WTF, mother?) and a Jesus key ring. Disclaimer: she shops at the dump.
Santa left a looooooong string in my stocking…with pieces of candy tied in various spots so when pulling the string out every now and then there was a piece of sweetness wrapped around it. For awhile there I didnt think I’d ever get to the end of the darn thing!
Oh, and btw - between the candies there was a Starbuck’s giftcard, concert tickets, and at the end there was a white gold? band with a gaelic inscription on it!!! 
I wanted an Ov Glove. Santa hates me.
This is the menu every night in my house: Meat, vegetables, potatoes and “FUCK! (Burn yourself again?)”
I made it clear that we weren’t exchanging Christmas gifts this year but no matter how much I protested, I still got stuff.
My mom was cute, tho, and she gave me a set of 3 acryllic snowmen and a Christmas tree that blink red, green and blue. They’re from Avon. They’re not new, she just was cleaning out her Christmas stuff and couldn’t bear to not give us gifts, so that’s what I got.
I’ve actually already put them in my window and am sharing the blinky goodness with the neighbors!
My mother-in-law gave me a jar of coffee. An opened jar of coffee, which I estimate to contain perhaps 60% of it’s original contents.
So far as can be ascertained at this time, this was not a calculated insult :- relations remain cordial, I didn’t urinate in her favorite pot plant, nothing untoward happened over the year.
Obviously, the onset of senility, in most such cases, would be a definite concern, but her track record of gift giving is a long and strange one, and we’re reasonably sanguine that such concerns are not currently appropriate.
My mom gave me a very tasteful Made-In-China pot of artificial flowers. That light up.
I intend to re-wrap it and leave it outside the door of my drunken neighbours that I can’t stand.
A cut to the hand.
I was opening the box of presents from the brother in law - a slightly modified Amazon box to fit all the goodies. Inside to my surprise was a scalloped offset sandwich knife (kinda looked like this), alas it had no protective covering on it. When I pulled my hand out and said ‘I’ve been cut,’ everyone thought I was kidding because I got a paper cut earlier on the same present! It was not until I showed everyone the dripping blood did they believe me. Of course we got a picture since we were taking pics of all the gifts being opened 
I’m still scared to use that knife!
I got one of those a few years ago. It’s friggin’ AWESOME.
I got a book, buddy boy. An old book. Musty old. Falling apart old. A hand me down from my GF, who herself inherited it. It’s the original script from West Side Story, printed five years before the movie came out. It has dialog and lyrics that I hadn’t heard since I saw the Broadway production in 1980.
Puerto Rico,
You lovely island . . .
Island of tropical breezes.
Always the pineapples growing,
Always the coffee blossoms blowing . . .
Puerto Rico . . .
You ugly island . . .
Island of tropic diseases.
Always the hurricanes blowing,
Always the population growing . . .
I like the island Manhattan.
I got a set of chicken shaped egg/pancake molds. I have chickens and they make eggs so it’s the perfect gift. Right?
Chickens seem to be the new theme to the gifts I receive for the inlaws.
It sounds awesome, actually.
My husband got me a cleavage-enhancing bra, with some of those creepy rubbery insert things that just feel disgusting.
For the Secret Santa exchange we do with the in-laws, I listed about 5 different gift cards and a set of sheets. The sheets were incase my Santa wanted to give a wrapped gift.
Well… my Santa (SIL), got me sheets. She must’ve been watching porn from the 70s before she went shopping. They were satin. She said she didn’t know if I already had some, but she thought it was something I might want to try. 
O, you poor dear. I hope you heal quickly. Perhaps there should be more salad in your future.
The Devil’s Grandfather always knows when dinner is ready by the sound of the smoke alarm going off. :o