So it was raining heavily, and I got my laptop in one of those laptop bag. My friend and I were trying to get across the street without being wet, but we have no umbrella nor were there any sheltered walkway.
“I guess we just have to walk in the rain,” I said.
“What about your laptop?”
“Oh don’t worry,” I said causally, “My bag is bulletproof”.
facepalm
I meant to say waterproof.
It’s not a recent one, but my wife once asked at the cinema concession stand for a “large portion of cock-porn please”. 
This type of mixup is not uncommon for her…she’s a med student now, and I’m dreading the day a nurse asks her go prick someone’s boil.
Just this morning I offered to feed my daughter apple and venereal - the latter ingredient being a mixture of vanilla and cereal.
Did I mention I’d only been awake for 10 minutes and coffee was another 10 away?
My boss wanted to know where he should stay while visiting Memphis. I said, “Stay at the Peabody. They have this really cute march of the turtles.”
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.
.
.
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“Wait. Did I say turtles? DUCKS! DUCKS! I meant DUCKS! The DUCK march!”
Good lord I felt stupid. Not only for the “turtle” mix-up but for screaming DUCKS!!!
:smack:
Not so long ago, my wife was hitting the local drug store and asked if I needed anything while she was there. I said, “Yeh, can you pick me up a bottle of Milk of Malaysia™?”
That’s what we call the stuff, now.
Sometimes I just lose a word and don’t mind making one up.
When I can’t think of “dry cleaner’s” (because I never use the dry cleaning part) I might say “I have to pick up my shirts at the flattener’s”. Or “I’m just popping out to take these shirts to be washed and squashed”
When I make a shopping list, instead of “- 2-liter Cokes” I’ll jot “- tube pop”, which cracks up my kids.
<slight hijack>
The following are frequent items on our grocery list, and we don’t even have kids:
cat fud
sketti
Back when I was still drinking Coke, but occasionally buying the caffeine-free stuff to be “good,” one time I made a grocery list for Mr. S that included “Coke.” He came and asked me which kind I wanted, and I was apparently quite emphatic that I wanted the real stuff. So he annotated the list so he wouldn’t forget:
Coke (Real Authentic Classic Coke with Extra Caffeine)
It cracked me up and we still have that note on our fridge, several years later.
</slight hijack>
We now return you to the correct thread topic. (Mr. S had a funny one a few weeks ago, but damn if I can remember what it was . . .)
Last week I took my grandfather out to get his hearing aids cleaned and lunch afterwards at a local Tex-Mex place. He needed to go to the bathroom after lunch. This place has all sorts of nicknacks and pictures on the walls. I was looking at them while waiting outside the restroom. One in particular was a pineapple sliced in half, but the inside was a watermelon. When grandpa came out some guy asked me if was was waiting for the restroom. I responded "I’m just waiting for my grandfather to turn into a pineapple. :smack:
Background: My fiancee and I have a pet hamster named Smores (because she’s dark brown, light brown and white). I was sitting at dinner with the to-be in-laws for dinner. We were talking about summertime favorite foods, etc. I was going to tell them about my fiancee and I trying different types of chocolate candies in our snacks. We had also let our hamster out of her cage to play in her ball while we were doing it. But I began the story as “Last night, we let the hamster out of the cage and got experimental with Smores.”
I got three sets of very confused eyes on me in no time.
I do that sometimes when I’m typing one thing and listening to another. Like I’ll be writing a student progress report, and the TV will be on in the background playing Criminal Minds, and I’ll type: “Jimmy is always an enthusiastic participant in class and a power-reassurace sex offender.” :eek:
Just a bit of background - I use a wheelchair which is fitted with a pressure cushion …
So a coupla days ago, my daughter had sprained her ankle so I shuffled myself onto a footstool and offered her a go in my ‘chariot’ to see how she got along. After a few minutes I uttered the immortal words:
"Ooh, it feels so different when I’m not sitting on a pressure cooker!
I remember Perri Klass describing a similar experience in an essay on sleep deprivation during medical training: Writing up a patient’s chart while a radio played in the background, she suddenly saw she’d written: “The patient presented in the emergency room with fever, headache and I wish they all could be California girls.”
Klass’s sleep-deprived reaction: “I sat there staring at the sentence, trying to figure out what was wrong with it. It made perfect sense to me.”
