“Don’t drown, little boy” advised the looming Coast Guard cutter.
He woke up with excruciating pain in his groin, but the pain was eclipsed by sheer terror once he lifted the sheets.
He scrawled his epitaph with a bloody, splintered thumbnail on the inside of the box.
“We’re sorry,” the screen read, “but your thread, ‘Removing ladel from rectum: Need answer fast’ could not be posted because the board is currently down for maintenance.”
We’ve decided to go with Comic Sans for this project.
What’s that funny smell coming from the chimney?
Making no attempt to cover her nakedness, Vice-President Palin gazed with dreamy satisfaction out the window of the Oval Office as President Trump zipped up his pants and blew her a kiss.
His final thought was, “Huh, I must’ve misplaced a decimal or five,” after Dr. Alan stepped out of his time machine and was immediately eaten by a large ceratosaurus.
Her pride against beating her brother in the Milk Gallon Challange didn’t last long once she remembered she was lactose intolerant.
Glen’s excitement about his discovery that his fireplace was a doorway into another dimension extinguished once he realized that dimension was one of fire and of burning.
Too far, dude. Too far…
What’s the problem?
“This is not punishment,” said the angel, picking up the flail, “but redemption.”
- inspired by/stolen from Neil Gaiman’s Season of Mists
Very nice, indeed.
Been reading Richard Morgan?
Thank you!
Actually, it’s a riff off of a horrific idea from Stephen King’s The Jaunt. 
Her eyes popped open, awake but unable to move she spotted a pale-gray glow of a pair of eyes; then another opened, and another, and another, and another, and another, and she was afraid.
Scary? That’s funny! I picture Glen as the fat geeky kid from the Farside cartoons.
Jenkins had boasted that he didn’t fear anything that died when you put a bullet through it; he was afraid now.
That’s what I thought when reading Gyrate’s submissions. Especially his “S” is for spiders sentence. I almost peed.
These are too fun, both the serious and the funny!
Oh? Didn’t know that. But that exact scenario - waking up from suspended animation months before your spaceship arrives - is a plot point in Morgan’s Thirteen.
It is, as you say, a horrific idea.
The demon in my daughter’s skin screamed and thrashed as I held it under the water, but I was not fooled.