I also like the phrase “Even a blind dog finds a bone every now and then.”
I have heard that used with squirrel and nut substituted in also.
“Even a blind hog finds a root now and then.”
“You just opened up a big can of whup-ass, I hope you’re hungry.” Stolen from MST3K I’m pretty sure. Most of my better catchprases are stolen from Crow, Servo or the Life in Hell comic.
It’s your fault that I have no one to blame but myself.
“Catch ya on the flip-side homeslice”
- to be used when bidding someone farewell
“He/she/they isn’t/aren’t the sharpest knife in the kitchen/brightest crayon in the box/brightest bulb on the tree/shiniest penny in the bank”
The one, the only, the amazing.
I use “That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.” also. And “I’m as serious as beavers in the pantry.” And at work, one suggested by my boss: “That’s very interesting. Have you talked to (my boss) about that?” because people are always trying to end-run him and get people in his department to commit to stuff we really don’t have time to do, at least not if we’re also supposed to be doing our REAL jobs. And “period, full stop, end of sentence.”
The only one that I’ve personally made up that other people around me have begun using is “Generally regarded as Bad”. Used when someone says something like “My ‘oil’ light just came on and the engine temperature is somewhere above 260.”
“Excellent!” complete with hunching and Mr. Burns-style steepling of fingers.
Thanks to a sketch on an ancient Easy E album, whenever anyone says “That’s fucked up,” the obligatory answer is a drawled “Go to hell.”
“We’re on a mission from God.” in response to “Where are you guys headed?” or something similarly inane.
“Fuck you with a rake.” This one I actually picked up from this MB (the Pit, of course)
Oh yeah, I forgot:
Useless at tits on a boar hog.
You (insert action here) like old people f*ck, Slow and sloppy.
(In best southern drawl)You ain’t got the sense God gave a sweet potato.
-Jesus Saves
He passes to Mike Modano. THEY SCORE!!!
“I live to serve you”, as a response whenever a coworker thanks me for lending a hand.
“Heidy-ho!” sung in my best Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo voice, with arm gesture.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
“Sir, hospital policy dictates that I must manipulate your foreskin now.”
I guess you need some if you’re a teacher:
Calm and relaxed (when they’re getting over-excited)
You and whose army?! (when they challenge you)
I’m not telling you, it’s a secret (when the answer is obvious or they can look it up for themselves
That’s gotta hurt! (when I play a strong chess move)
In the bathtub of history, the truth is harder to hold than the soap… (Pratchett)
For when someone asks What are you doing? when the answer is apparent, my reply is Worshipping Satan
Use it, Move it or Lose It
God forbid…
“Ungood.” or some variation on it.
“Don’t confuse me with the facts.”
“I can show you the door, but you must walk through it.” - stolen from the Matrix, used when someone is being willfully ignorant.
Stolen from Gattaca, and said in an urgent/serious way: “We must get drunk immediately”.
I’m a big fan of:
“Sweet mother of God, WHAT IS THE HOLDUP?” Ripped off shamelessly from Chris Farley, but it’s useful in so many situations.
“Hey yo.” Delivered in a faux-Cuban accent, in imitation of Scott Hall. Sometimes followed with “The boys in the back asked me to take a little survey…”
“As God is my witness, he’s broken in half!” One of my favorites from wrestling announcer Jim Ross, usually used when someone is getting beaten up.
And of course, “I got your (insert word) right here, pal.” I have no idea where it comes from, but it sounds cool.
Mr. Armageddon
“Just when you thought you had all the answers, I went and changed the questions!”–Roddy Piper
‘Yes, yes I do.’ Used when something I said was (Deliberately) misinterpreted, among other less easily described contexts. (Also ‘…I am’ and ‘…I must’.)
‘You weird.’ (Not a typo. ‘You’ is correct.)
‘That’s the kind of logic that’s … not.’ Think I stole it from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but can’t tell you which episode, or the context.
‘Why, thank you!’ In response to insults.
‘They couldn’t hit an Elephant from this dist…!’
Last words of General John Sedgwick
One of my most enduring and nonsensical has had over 20 years of staying power and came about the oddest way. I was watching a video of “The World According to Garp” with friends and at one point Garp is arguing with his mom and slams a bag of groceries down on the counter so hard the bag tears. I blurted out “Boy! That really rips my bag!” (Used whenever something pisses me off.)
“You and your fancy book learnin’!” used to belittle anyone displaying the slightest bit of intelligence.
Amazingrace…how 'bout “Not the sharpest tool in the shed?” I was telling a sportsradio friend of mine about a crush I had on a ball player. When he replied with the above I couldn’t stop giggling thinking about all the perverse jokes I could make about his tool and my shed, (sharp or otherwise!)
"There’s a snake in my boot!
“And your point is, caller?”
“another case of the blind leading the stupid”
“I thought it up while trying to budge the fudge”
“I feel a Presence of Coda” I use this anytime I think that someone is gay. It refers to the Zeppelin album “In Through the Out Door”
“Ugghh, Wafers!” I felt that the word that refers to white boys trying to act like Gangstas was a little harsh so I created WAFER
White Americans Feigning Ethnic Relation
There are legion more, I’ll post em’ if I can remember them.
This is HDTV, it has better resolution than the real world - Fry
“I’m so happy, I have to sit on my hands to keep from clapping!” (When someone asks how I’m doing)
“You get better looking every day, and today you look like tomorrow” (Said when I want to give a cheesy compliment to someone)
“Betty, I’ve got five words for you, Mmm mmm, mmm mmm mmm.” (Said in sing-song cadence when Betty walks by my office… she’s about 60 years old!)
I’ve got a ton…
“Do you know how many nickels that is?” This is a reference to the long-running joke with my friends about me being a five-cent whore, and it’s usually said when they ask to borrow money.
“Dude, you are just so ghetto,” used whenever one of my guy friends starts to integrate phrases like, “What be up, my niggah?” into his vocabulary or feels the need to have the bass up to the point where the whole car shakes. They’re all white boys from an affluent, rural town. It simply doesn’t work.
“He/She makes me want to find some blunt object and beat them about the head and shoulders with it” or “I just want to throw my shoe at them!” Whenever I’m pissed off.
“Mommy, do you hate me?” usually asked when she’s screaming…
“Damn straight!” said upon receiving insults.
“You guys, we’re in the House Of God…” exclaimed whenever something inappropriate is going on in church, so basically every Sunday and Wednesday.
“Oh, look! It’s a stupid ho bag!” Typical greeting said to/received from friends.
-Lanna
“That really torques my jars”-- For any realy frustrating situation; I have no idea what the literal meaning is, but I heard an old guy use it about 20 years ago, and it just stuck.
“Christ on a bicycle!”-- Outrage or surprise.
“No shit, Sherlock”-- Sarcastic alternative to “well, duh!”
“Ya think ya used enough dynamite there, Butch?”-- For any overkill situation, see also "Ease up on the powder, Son!
TT
“Believe those who seek the truth.
Doubt those who find it.” --Andre Gide
No kidding? I’ve only seen Alien and Alien Resurrection, so I wouldn’t know. I think it’s a offshoot of “Stay Cool.”
A friend of mine wishes it to be known that, for her, “Quick as a bunny” has been replaced by “Quick as a virgin.”
Somewhere, somehow, (famous name) is laughing. (Used when someone fails miserably at some activity; Famous Name is the name of someone who can do it ridiculously better.)
Is it legal to gag people who only talk in Monty Python misquotes?
-BrainWeasel
Squeaks from BrainWeasel’s Cage
http://brainweasel.home.att.net
“Smooth move, Ex-Lax!” when someone drops something.
“Scared enough to shit nickels” from a Stephen King novel.