Let’s say your spouse has a young coworker, Amy, whom your spouse considers a friend. You’ve met Amy, and you do not believe either she or your spouse has romantic designs on the other. That said, your spouse does talk about Amy more than his/her other coworkers, because Amy’s clearly in a bad situation at home. From time to time she comes to work with a black eye, sprained joint, or other such injury. More than once your spouse and other co-workers have seen Amy’s husband (much larger than she) screaming and belittling her in the workplace parking lot; yesterday your spouse saw him drag Amyto the car, shove her inside, and drive off. She was crying and cringing and crying when this happened. In short, though Amy hasn’t admitted to being a battered wife, it’s pretty obvious that she is.
On the night after the Late one night, you and your wife are awakened by a ringing phone. It’s Amy, and she’s finally ready to admit the darkness of her situation, because her husband just kicked the crap out of her. At that moment, she says, he’s passed out drunk. She left her purse at work, so she can’t call a cab; she can’t get to her car keys because they’re under his snoring body and she’s afraid to wake him. She begs your spouse to come get her, promising that she only needs a safe place for one night; as soon as she can get into the office, she can get her purse from her wallet and thus a hotel room. Amy has no family in town; your spouse is the closest thing she has to a friend.
Do you want your spouse to go rescue Amy? Why or why not?
I would get Amy myself. If Amy didn’t like that option I would call a car service and have them pick her up. If she refuses that she’s on her own. My wife is not going to pick up Amy under any circumstances.
I read the above to mean that you won’t allow your wife to even ride in the car and stay in the driver’s seat–motor running, doors locked, windows closed–while you’re picking up Amy, yes? What if she (your wife) really wants to? Do you feel you have the right to tell your wife what she may and may not do to such an extent?
ETA: Incidentally that would be my position. Partly from practical reasons: we have 3 kids under the age of 2, so obviously one of us has to stay home. And since there’s genuine danger here, my wife has to stay home; I’m more expendable than she is.
If Amy would agree to walk to a neutral location, I’d let my spouse (or me) go pick up Amy and stay with us. If she doesn’t agree to leave her house, then no one is going near the place without a police escort.
However, I’m a little confused why you selected the gender of Amy but not the spouse (though you did slip on the gender neutral thing when you said “you and your wife are awakened…”). I mean, if you’re trying to sort of feelings of jealousy as they relate to a young and vulnerability co-worker, it’s an entirely different dynamic if we’re talking about a husband and a young female vs a wife and a young female.
If you’re wondering about the danger of rescuing someone from an abusive house, then I wonder why you mentioned at all that Amy and your spouse don’t seem to have a thang for each other.
It’s not jealousy I’m interested in talking about (note that I specify that you don’t believe either your spouse or Amy is attracted to the other); it’s about posters’ willingness to allow their spouses to go into dangerous situations. I wrote “spouse” in the poll options because otherwise I’d have had to break it down by straight/gay as well as male/female and I couldn’t be arsed, and I accidentally wrote “wife” that one time because I’m fallible.
You’re basically right about the neutral neighborhood, which probably safer for Amy as well as whoever comes to pick her up. But no necessarily. If the abusive husband wakes up and finds Amy gone, he may go searching for her in a rage. And of course, since she just had the crap kicked out of her, she may not be up for a long walk.
Yes, I have the right to tell my wife not to go into such a dangerous situation. She has the same right to tell me not to go. If she insisted that I not go I wouldn’t go.
If she’s so battered that she can’t walk to a neutral location, then I’m calling the police with or without her consent.
And I’d argue that the gender of the spouse does make a pretty big difference. If the husband is the jealous type, and he wakes up when the male friend is picking her up, what conclusion do you think he’ll draw? He’ll jump immediately to “He’s fucking her.”
I actually had a similar situation happen to me involving a mutual male friend who tried to defuse the situation when my boyfriend and I were in a very heated argument. The friend sided with me and my BF’s immediate conclusion was that we were sleeping together. That escalated the situation to the point where my BF was ready to beat the shit out of our friend, and he was just trying to help.
And, of course, if a female spouse goes to pick up Amy, unless she’s packing heat, she’s too physically vulnerable should he wake up.
That’s why I’d insist on a neutral location. Get her away from the crazy first.
I am a married woman and I voted that I would want my husband to go but my real answer probably lies between that and the only if I went too option.
I would want to go, but I for some reason to me the wording of that option is loaded with jealousy. The reality is I think two people would be a better bet for getting Amy out safely but if he absolutely wanted to go alone or wanted to take someone else along that would be acceptable.
Please also note that should this occur I would also be calling the police and requesting a no siren immediate visit in the hopes that they arrive before us, thus making the entire situation safer for everyone except asshole abuser.
Skald, did you ever read the Stephen King book It? Spoilers ahead: In it, one of the main characters is regularly getting beat up by her husband. She finally escapes to a (female) friend who is more than willing to take her in…then takes a flight out to the main plot of the story. In the interim, the woman’s husband comes back and kicks nine kinds of hell out of the friend - breaking bones and stuff like that - in order to find his wife (which the friend does, eventually, confess).
That story has always stayed in my mind. So has the real life story of the young woman - a coworker of mine - whose husband punched her in the face. She took him back in after he bought her some blue-tinted roses from the grocery store. She still hasn’t left him, and he keeps punching her, last I heard.
I would be terrified. I’d want him to call the cops, and I’d go with him, and I’d be willing to meet her somewhere. But there is no way in hell I’d want him to go inside that house, especially since there’s quite a good chance Mr. Crazy has a gun. Oh, and I’d take a weapon. I was thinking one of my rifles, but what good would a .22 do, he’d just break it over my head.
I’m not strong. Or rather, I’m strong emotionally, I’ve been through a lot of crap in my life. But I’m not strong physically, and I am afraid of physical violence. A violent man doesn’t care what he does to you, or whom he hurts.
We’d still go. But I’d have a hard time sleeping for a long time after.
True enough. But I tried (unsuccessfully ) to to specify gender because I wanted respondents to think of the situation in terms of their actual spouse. (I put the not-married options in because otherwise singles would bitch.)
I was once in such a situation as well. It wasn’t quite what I describe in the OP–I wasn’t at home when I got the call, and the real-life Amy hadn’t been beat up that night–but she was scared and had a baby and so I had to go because, while I don’t believe in hell, I do believe in shaving, and I prefer to be able to look myself in the mirror while doing so. I hope that doesn’t sound like an internet tough guy boast, because I was both annoyed and frightened. Then I saw I was bigger than the batterer and my high school bully came out.
Someone has to go. I consider this part self-evident.
That someone has to include my hypothetical wife, because she just might be the only person on the planet Amy trusts.
And if that someone includes my wife, then it has to include me too, because nobody is going to be going to that house alone.
Oh, and Amy’s going to have to at least come out to the street to meet the car, because nobody’s going into that house without riot armor, either. And once we get Amy in the car, the next stop is going to be the police station.
I can post from the other end of the query - if I had Amy as a co-worker, I’d be BEGGING my husband to go with me. He’s practically a giant, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I were in any sort of danger, he’d beserker out and Amy’sSpouse would be in no condition to batter anyone for a good long time.
We don’t have kids however, so we’re still good for the “having each other’s backs in all situations” idea.
If we had kids… man, that’s tough. You’re right that we couldn’t both go in that situation. I wouldn’t want my husband to go alone, because that gets into he-said-she-said shit which I worry about because statistically speaking, Amy’s going to change her mind about leaving at some point, and I don’t want him mixed up in or hurt by that fallout.
I’d either try to get my father-in-law to go with my husband, or we’d call the cops and hope.
I picked going along with my wife. Not out of any jealousy but just because I’d figure it might go better if the husband awoke, etc. But if Amy absolutely didn’t want me to come with, I’d “let” my wife go alone (such as it’d be my choice).
None of the “No, that’s what the cops are for” people are posting?
I will then. No, I wouldn’t want him to go and I would almost certainly demand that he not go. A man who beats a woman is a loose cannon and a work acquaintance is way too casual a relationship to go around risking one’s own well-being for. Sorry, that’s what cops are for. Get the asshole arrested, stay home for the night, get your purse in the morning, and figure it out from there. The personal drama of somebody he’s aware of simply because they have an employer in common is very much not our problem.
) to to specify gender because I wanted respondents to think of the situation in terms of their actual spouse. (I put the not-married options in because otherwise singles would bitch.)