Are you posting from some strange alternate world in which I am not a hypocrite?
Of course I’m not letting my wife go. I would probably call my cousin Sam and have him come with me. Or, if she happened to be in town and staying with me, my baby sister.
On a more careful reading, I see my husband considers Amy a friend.
It doesn’t change my answer in the slightest, just the last part about being aware of her only because they work together.
Still, no.
Wait – is it merely because of the casualness of the relationship that you’d object to your husband going? My best friend in the city is the woman I refer to here as my work wife; we’ve been friends 10-some years now and do holidays together and are quite close. If your husband had such a friend–or a cousin or sister–in the situation, would you want him go to to her aid?
ETA: I see you answered that question, in part at least, while i was typing. Stop reading my mind or I kill the hobbit.
Been there, done that. I always go with Madame P. in such situations, with either abusive husbands or fathers. We usually bring the person back to our place for the night or until they can get to a safe place (like other family). We’ve been lucky enough for it to have never turned violent. If it had, well, our friends include a former Navy SEAL, a former Army mercenary, and a member of the local National Guard, and they’re all on speed-dial.
Husband says why not call a cab for her? The cab can bring her to our house and we pay for it when they get here.
I’d maybe agree to that if there was little chance (like, no chance at all) that he would guess this is where she is and show up here. Maybe. We have small children. If there’s any chance at all that some enraged, abusive, drunk man is going to show up at my house, no way.
As for relationship closeness, yes, that is a factor. If his mom called because his dad went off the rails and started beating on her, I wouldn’t want him to go there either. I just probably wouldn’t “demand” that he not go the way I would for a work friend.
I think the poll is going to skew oddly for you.
I picked ‘married woman, would go with my husband’ because
a) it’s a potentially scary situation and 2 people are safer than one and
b) it’s the only sensible option (assuming your car is big enough for 3, and ours is) because you’re going to need someone to talk to Amy and calm her down while the other one drives.
The way the poll is written it looks like it’s a trust issue, which would not actually enter into my answer at all.
Also, I would insist that Amy get the hell out of her house and meet us say, a block away. Otherwise she’s asking us to go into bat for her with her husband - and I absolutely won’t have any truck with that whatsoever. I’m happy to give her a safe place to stay, but damned if I’m getting myself or my husband caught up with some psycho.
Safe haven at our house would also be absolutely contingent on her not calling him for any reason. If she did, she’s out on her own because I’m not helping someone who isn’t willing to be helped.
This is why my answer is we both go. If Amy is my wife’s co-worker, I’m not sending her alone to face a man already prone to violence, especially towards women. If Amy’s my co-worker, having my spouse along will help defuse things on multiple fronts - it reassures the Mrs. nothing’s going on with me and Amy, it tells Amy’s spouse the same (assuming he regains consciousness), and it forestalls Amy getting any ideas while things are emotionally charged.
Also, I agree entirely with this. Very smart point.
The poll cannot skew oddly for me, as I have no preconceptions on its results.
Well, that’s not completely true. I knew Chronos would come in with a practical workaround, and I bet I know what Oakminster and Loach will say if they show up. But I won’t assay a guess about the general response.
What others have said. I would go with my wife to pick up Amy. And if the situation were reversed and Amy was my friend from work, I’d bring my wife when I went to pick her up. I figure Amy’s husband is less likely to go off if he’s sees a couple than a single man.
My wife stays, I go get Amy the fuck out of there. Me and my buddies Smith, Wesson, Colt, and Mossberg. Hard armor, front panel only. I’ll definitely be packing more than one gun. I’m too old and flabby to put up much of a defense against a big guy in his prime.
If a person needs help getting out of a situation like this, you give them that help - my response to a call like this would have all the seriousness as if Amy had called that her house was on fire or she was bleeding to death on the highway.
Nobody - regardless of gender, size, military training, etc. - should get involved in a domestic dispute alone. It’s just too emotional and unpredictable. So we’re going together if we go at all. If she goes, I’d make sure she had her gun ready in the car and I’d prefer if neither of us had to get out of the car.
But I’m also thinking maybe the police should be involved. Way too many people go back to their abusive partners. Maybe having a little legal involvement would be one more bit of pressure to make her follow through and stay safe.
I would tell Amy to call 911. Her husband has committed a crime. She may need to be hospitalized, and the police are better equipped to take care of her husband than my husband or me. Also, the police can put her in touch with a shelter, etc.
I said I’d want my spouse to go help her, which is certainly true, but I’d probably go along as well if there wasn’t a good reason not to (like kids at home.) He might need my help, I’d just sit at home worrying about this woman, etc. If he didn’t go and didn’t do anything to help her (like sending the cops over or something, but you know she ain’t pressing charges) I’d be furious with my husband.
I really struggled with this one, actually.
My first thought was, no way in hell do I want to let my wife go into danger alone, even if the chance of Drunky McWifeBeater waking up is low. So sending my wife alone is out.
But, someone has to stay at home to watch the kid, because I sure as hell am not bringing a toddler along. So both of us going is out.
Then I thought about going myself (which I could sorta see my wife asking me to do, honestly), but A - who knows if Amy would ok with that and B - if the husband is the jealous type, I know better than to think I’m any good in a fight and I don’t own a gun. So going myself is out.
Of course, that leaves just calling the cops, but if Amy wanted to call the cops she already would have, and she’d probably get mad at us for doing that too. So calling the cops it out.
Problem is, that’s all the options.
Taking a step back, I don’t really want to be the house Drunky is coming to when he’s pissed off his wife is gone - and something tells me he would find out somehow. So, while I do want to get Amy out of the situation, I don’t want her coming over to my place all that much (Sorry Amy). Plus, even if she does make it to the hotel room, I don’t want her going back to him after a day or two.
Then I thought “what really needs to happen is this guy needs to go to jail, whether Amy likes it or not”. So I ended up selecting “call the cops”. It’s the least bad of the options: Amy will probably not be happy, her husband will certainly not be happy, I could see my wife and I getting called cowards out of it, but honestly it’s the cops’ job to deal with assholes, not mine, and they need to get involved at some point because Drunky’s ass needs to go to jail. So might as well cut to the chase here.
Someone’s got to get her. I’m not letting my wife go by herself; too much of a risk of the guy waking up. I’m not going by myself; Amy doesn’t know me and has no reason to trust me. So I voted that we would go get her together, although that means figuring out what to do with our kids who are too young to be left alone. I probably would want to call the cops, but only if Amy wanted us to.
So here’s how it would probably shake out:
Not sure what we do with the kids though. Maybe ask my sister-in-law to watch them for a few hours.
This, except I would call 9-1-1. No doubt to me this is a police emergency too. And I work at 9-1-1.
SWMBO and I would both saddle up and go. We’d get Amy out ASAP and take her back to our house for the night. And we would call the cops.
Considering that the reason she’s giving for not taking a cab is that her purse is at work, I suggest we call her a cab, have them bring her here and we’ll pay for it. If she refuses and needs the moral support of my husband to get her out the door, then we’ll both go over - like other posters have said, not because I don’t trust him, but because two people are better than one in emergencies or potential emergencies. If her husband wakes up and starts swinging a baseball bat, I can press “Call” on my cell, having already entered the 911 before we put the car in park in her driveway.
I think it kind of depends how crazy my hypothetical husband is, and whether he’d be likely to end up escalating things. Psycho ex, no way, stay your psycho ass home. But there’s a 0% chance he actually would stay home (emotional abuse=A-OK; physical abuse=evil), so I’d at least come along and try to keep things from escalating. Regular ex is great at handling situations, so that would be fine.