So last night I had this weird abusive sex dream about Rick Santorum.
I know, right?
I’m not quite sure how it all started, but he was trying to force me to marry him, and I kept saying no, no, no, and finding ways to get away from him while he tried to find ways to get me alone with him, and finally for her safety I sent my lesbian lover (?!) out of town… but he captured her at the train station, beat the crap out of her, put out a cigarette on her stomach, and kept her in a dog crate at some undisclosed location as a hostage so I had to marry him.
And he kept me locked up in the kind of penthouse apartment one generally reserves for one’s mistress (actually, the whole thing was a little Edwardian in tone and set dressing) and if you’ve ever wondered, yes, Rick Santorum is evidently into really gross, degrading sex. (Either that or all sex is really gross with Rick Santorum - hard to tell, I suppose.)
So this went on for a while until one of his politician friends’ wife comes over unannounced when he isn’t there and there’s a big “oh shit you better go out there and meet her but you better keep your mouth shut” thing (I wore a purple silk dress with a beaded back, but it was very wrinkled.) and she thought I was just oh so charming, so she invited me and Rick to a sherry party and we had no choice but to go so I made plans for my escape at the sherry party!
And we get there and the bartender is Steve Perry. (I am suspecting my fiance’s alarm clock went off tuned to the radio and “Oh Sherry” was playing?) Only he had dyed his hair blonde for some reason. He was sympathetic and agreed to help me make my clever escape!
And then I woke up. I was glad to not be having sleep sex with Santorum anymore, but I wanted to know if I got away or not!
Well, I was just informed by e-mail this morning that a friend had dream in which she accidentally poured maple syrup on my running shoes. She felt horrible.
I’ve had strange sex dreams involving animals. In my waking life, I am NOT into bestiality.
In one, I was fucking a bird. A bird, of all things. WTF?
In another, a badger was giving me a blowjob, and his teeth were sharp. This was after he bit my knee and drew blood.
Often, when I have a dream that my wife or kids are in, I’m so angry at them I’m screaming uncontrollably, just absolutely incensed, more angry than I’ve ever been in my life. I don’t know what that’s all about.
Not sure if this fits the same definition of oogy, but…
Last night I dreamed I won a big jackpot at a casino and asked a girl who I wasn’t already in a relationship with to marry me.
She agreed at first, but then left without telling me why.
Trying to figure out the reason, I found out that the casino had for some reason suggested a prenup contract to her (with the implication that if she didn’t take the idea to me and continued with the wedding, they’d take it to me next.)
I had a romantic dream the other night that involved Ricky Gervais. Now, I like his comedy and his writing, but I’m just not into him sexually. This dream was very intense, and involved strong romantic feelings. I woke up feeling . . . confused.
I one had a dream where I was a dragon. A primary-colored MALE dragon. The king of dragons, in fact. And I had a mate, the dragon queen, and well… I mean, when I’m awake I don’t really have a libido to speak of. Nor do I have any wish to be male.
It would be cool to be a dragon, though.
I had a very vivid dream: I was on a cliff overlooking a beach. A little girl was sitting on a beach in an alcove on the cliff. I went over to her. She told me “I was supposed to be your daughter, but you didn’t have kids. So my brother got born to someone else, and now he’s my father.”
A guy who looked exactly like my brother appeared next to me. He told me “Yes, we were supposed to be brother and sister. But since you didn’t have children, I am now her father.”
Not exactly oogy, if definitely disturbing to wake up from; a had a dream a few weeks ago where I was sitting in the chair next to the window in my bedroom, everything nice and normal, listening to the birdsong outside, and reading a book. I noticed a cooking smell, kind of pork or bacon-y, which I thought was odd, as me and my housemate are both vegetarian. I wondered vaguely if the smell was coming from next door- we can sometimes smell their cooking, but went back to my book. Next, I started thinking the air was looking a bit smoky. Then I realised the smoke was actually rising from my arm, and my chest. I tried to stand up with the intention of running downstairs and into the shower, when what I could see went all patchy flame, then black…
Then I woke up.
I don’t remember ever dreaming a smell before, and the boring normality of everything but the fact that I was spontaneously combusting made that one really creepy. Thanks Mr. Subconscious!
I dreamed the other day that I was naked in the bathtub with Adrian Brody in a penthouse. He was fondling me and I was enjoying it a lot. Unfortunately, in real life Adrian Brody repulses me like no one’s business.
Years ago, I had a dream about Jerry Falwell and the Ayatollah Khomeini rollerskating together in a rink during a “Couples Only” skate. I was watching from outside the rink because I didn’t have a partner.
This dream happened before 9/11 and all this anti-Muslim hysteria. Only Christ or Allah knows what I was thinking about.
One time I dreamed that O.J. Simson was finger-raping me, and I looked into his evil eyes and said, “You did kill her!” Not that I ever thought he didn’t.
Once I dreamed I lived in an expensive New York City penthouse (the Dakota, or something like it) and Mick Jagger lived in the same building, and had a crush on me.
Since I hate Mick Jagger with a pure, almost religious fervor, this was a terrible nightmare. Whenever I think of it, I’m caught between laughing at the absurdity of it ( 50+ women who don’t wear make-up are exactly Mick’s type, aren’t we?) and shuddering with palm-sweating horror.
I had a bizarre dream last night. I was in a beautiful library, and on the base of one of the mahogany pillars there were about ten snails crawling along. Not little snails, but those big inch long ones that sometimes cling to the side of your house or car. I stood watching them, and a man I’d never seen before came and stood beside me. I pointed to the snails.
Me: “Look at all of them!”
Man: “There’s more of them.”
Me: “Where?”
The man took my hand and guided it to the underside of a desk.
Man: “Under here. There’s hundreds of them, you can feel them.”
I started to panic and tried to pull my hand away - I did not want to touch any snails, thank you - but the man wouldn’t let go. Finally I got my hand free and ran to the lobby, where I ran into a co worker of mine. She wanted to know why I was panicking, when the man came after me, walking calmly toward me. It was strange because he did not seem threatening in any way, but I felt genuinely terrified; I screamed and screamed as he approached. My coworker lead me away from him.
Coworker: “What the hell did that guy do to you?”
Me: “I don’t know. I don’t know.”
What was most disturbing to me, in a way, was that I did know, but I couldn’t bring myself to say, “he tried to make me touch snails” because even with dream logic, it sounded stupid. I just kept saying, “I don’t know” until I woke up.
I had an incredibly vivid sex dream about…and that’s just it! It was the 30-something actor who reminds me of Judge Reinhold and I have no idea who he is. Any help out there? It’s been driving me crazy!
One time I had a dream that I killed my sister by beating her with a whip (I don’t even know how to use a whip!) and then I kicked her face in. It was so bad I felt guilty when I woke up and called to see how she was doing.
When my baby nephew was learning to stand, I had this dream that I took him on a – well, I guess it was a crane tour. They were taking people up one million stories (yes, one million stories) on a crane, where there was a park bench you could sit on.
We were sitting on the bench and I got a little distracted helping a little girl, when my nephew decided to stand up. In the air. A million stories up.
As I am watching him falling to the earth below: all these things were going through my mind:
[ul]
[li]What kind of crane company allows little babies to go up one million stories without a harness?[/li][li]No, it is entirely my fault – I had responsibility for him. I knew he liked to practice standing, I should have known.[/li][li]I should jump myself. There is no way I can face his mother. And it is the punishment I deserve.[/li][li]I wonder what the terminal velocity is for babies? He is flexible and he has soft bones; he might survive the fall.[/li][li]Wouldn’t it be ironic if he survived the fall, only to have his suiciding aunt land on him?[/li][li]No, I am just using that as an excuse not to off myself.[/li][li]If I climb down to see if he is ok, then I still need to commit suicide to punish myself, whether he survives or not, but there won’t be any easy ways.[/li][/ul]
Most of my recent dreams have been of a weird but decidedly non-oogy variety. But I had one when I was about 14 that was so weird I remember it still. I was a girl and I was naked. There were other girls and guys all around me standing in a circle, also naked. One of them picked me up and threw me across the circle. They threw me all around the circle for a while and it was fun, and that was it, that was the whole dream.
