Your Weirdest/Most Random Pickup Attempt

Back in California, my wife and I were good friends with this couple for a few years. For her husband’s 45th birthday, she had a set of glamor shots done. She showed me the album once when her husband and my wife were upstairs working on something. First page, lots of really nice pictures, everything was covered up with fancy clothes or strategic swaths of red silk.

Next page, not so covered up.

Third page, full Vargas-girl pinup shots…

Cue the 747-at-full-takeoff-roar level of clueless whooshedness on my part…


My wife pointed out to me (after we left California) that they wanted to swap with us…

A few years I was at a party at a friend’s house. We realised we had two problems: (1) we were running out of beer, and (2) there was a great shortage of women.

We were all too drunk to drive, but luckily there was a pub within walking distance, where my friend sometimes worked. He suggested that if we went there the landlord, who he knew well, would sell us some crates of beer. So, another friend and I volunteered to go on the beer run. Being at the self-confident level of drunkenness, as we left we said, half-jokingly, “Oh, and we’ll bring back some women, too!”

Anyway, we got to the pub, and as it happens there was a group of four attractive girls sitting at a table near the bar. Again, being drunk, we sat down at their table, said “Hey, we’re just picking up some beer and going to a house party - want to come?” and they agreed. Instantly. Not only that, but they had a car, and told us to put the beer in the back and they’d drive it to my friend’s house.

Not only that, but they actually did turn up, rather than taking advatage of the pair of lushes who had just rather trustingly left £80 worth of ale in their car and driving off :smiley:

The best part was that two of these girls were house-sitting a large and expensive house just up the road, for some relatives, and later invited two of us back there… Sadly, just as things were getting interesting and we’d paired off, the girl who was with my friend reappeared and informed the other girl, whom I was in the process of undressing, that we would be leaving now.

I never did find out what my friend had done (or not done) to make us unwelcome, but he’s not been forgiven!

When I’m back to London, I frequently go on line at the comps in the Virgin in Oxford Street; I’ve got to know a lot of the clerks there by sight, as well as the security guys who stand by the doors (since the computers I use are right at the doors that face the Tottenham Court Road.)

I’ve done this for a couple of years now, and up until last spring, the only really annoying thing were when the occassional person’s buddy would bump into me accidently, or when I’d be knee deep in typing someone, and a person walks in off the street and comes up to me and asks where the internet cafe is (dunno, but it might be where all the computers directly in front of you are.)

Anyway, one evening I was having a quick whip round through the email, and it was just me, and a guy sitting maybe 2 computers down from me. Maybe in his 40s, English, but built like an American gridiron football player, if you know that beefy, but muscular physical type. Very expensive, laquered hair. Expensive ‘look at me! was all I could do NOT to cut off the price tag so you can see how expensive they were!’ clothes (including a stripey vest, gold watch chain, and heavy square cut signet ring; his outfit was so…costumey, I half expected to look down and see spats.)

Anyway, he’s typing away, and then says in a stagey voice, ‘Oh, no, what have I done?’ A couple of times because I finally realise he wants my attention.

I’m incredibly skint, and these comps have a clock in the corner so you can see how fast your money is running out, so when he asks me, could I help him with something, I answered him kind of distractedly, one eye on my hourglass.

He persisted, and I logged out to save my on line minutes, and looked over at his screen. I saw what he needed to do, told him, and turned back to my comp.

He took my brief bit of social politeness as an open invitation, and started to ask me all about myself, what were my plans for the evening, hey, maybe we could do something.

Mind you, when I’d glanced at his screen, I’d also seen he was writing a letter to ‘someone’ that read something like, ‘I know we’ve been having a difficult time, and you think I’m straying, but I promise that’s all over, and you’re the only woman for me.’

Meanwhile, he’s flirting like hell and trying to pick me up!

He was so persistent and creepy, that I stood up to go, and he started to get his stuff together quickly, saying, ‘Hey wait, let’s go together!’

As I said, I’d got to know the staff, so I went up to the security guard on duty. This man was a big chap, bigger than the guy bugging me, and what I loved about him was he had a beautiful Jamaican accent. I said, quietly, ‘That man is really bothering me, and I’m a bit afraid of him; can you delay him so I can get a head start?’ Cos I figured I could disappear into the crowds. The security guy looked over at the man, who was still gathering up his stuff, and told me, ‘Go ahead, there’s nothing to worry about!’

I was a bit annoyed that he didn’t seem to be taking me seriously, but the one clerk told me the next day, as the guy walked past the guard, the guard gently took his arm, and said, ‘Why are you bothering my little wife? She comes in here to look at the computer. And you are bothering her. You frightened her. You make her cry. I will not have this.’ And apparently scared the stuffing out of the man; they were all falling over laughing as the guy started to sputter and then turned and hurried out the other door.

I did appreciate that, but for goodness sake, pushily trying to pick up a girl who is clearly not interested, whilst at the same time explaining in an email to your girlfriend that you won’t cheat on her anymore?!

This isn’t about me, but about a friend of mine.

Years ago, I worked at a nonprofit community center and once a week we would have Free Food Distribution for the community. A large portion of those who showed up were working class families who simply didn’t make enough money to pay rent and buy groceries, so the food distribution acted as substitute grocery shopping in a pinch. However, we’d also get the prostitutes who stopped by on their way to the next john to pick up something to eat, the dealers who thought they could get away with taking the food and attempting to sell it on the streets (like we didn’t know who they were and what they planned on doing? right.) and the drunks who stumbled in for something to eat and maybe to pan handle out on the parking lot for their next bottle.

Usually, we were at the mercy of whatever food was donated, and this time, we had a truckload of day-old bakery items, which we had bagged up prior to distribution time. There was a line of people, which we quickly cleared through with the food bags, and towards the end, a guy comes throught he line. He’s obviously plastered and can barely stand.

Drunk Guy: Are there any veg-e-tables in this bag?
Executive Director (who was handing out the food and who was female, and blonde and VERY buxom): No, just bakery items today.
DG: I like veg-e-tables.
ED: That’s good. maybe we’ll have some next week.
DG: Veg-e-tables are good. And they’re good for me.
ED: Maybe next week.
DG: Wanna have sex?

She absolutely freaked out, and I did my best not to burst out laughing, but I told DG to move along and she’s shieking to him: Sir, that’s completely inappropriate! You cannot talk to me that way!

I still get her today when I remind her of Drunk Veg-e-table Sex Man.

I was in the grocery store one day, in the frozen food section IIRC. I was wearing a red sweater dress that showed off my curves, and a Latino man–probably in his mid-40s–walked up to me and asked if I was married. I said no, and he told me that I should go home with him, because he’d give me lots of babies. :o

Several years ago my friends and I, after imbibing an appropriate amoung of alcohol, decided to go down to Sixth Street in Austin (where I lived at the time) to watch the cheezy “raising of the star” that they do for New Years - kind of an attempt to counter the Times Square apple thing.

Anyway, there was a huge crowd gathered, and my little group of tipsy friends found ourselves pretty much dead-center in it. As crowds often do, this one shifted violently a couple of times for no apparent reason, and suddenly a beautiful dark-haired woman about my age that I had never met was in the process of falling to the ground in front of me, and the guy she was obviously there with was completely oblivious - he was looking in the other direction and cheering at a radio DJ who was emcee-ing the festivites. Somehow, I caught her around the waist and kept her on her feet - pretty impressive considering the amount I’d had to drink. She looked at me with her enchanting light brown eyes and an expression somewhere between gratitude and fear. I said something (in my whiskey-scented breath) along the lines of “Don’t worry - I’m not trying anything, I just didn’t want you to fall.”

For the next 10 minutes she stood in front of and snuggled up against me, my left arm around her waist and her hands on my hand, which she held to her belly. Her date was still ignoring her. The countdown started. The crowd shifted a couple of times and, owing to my size (a shade over six feet, about 265 lbs at the time, and built like a brick), we stayed rock-solid. The count down ended - it was the new year and her date was busy cheering, so she turned around, wrapped her arms around my neck, and planted an incredible kiss on my lips. She then smiled, whispered “thanks” in my ear, and disappeared from my life.

I never even got her name. :smack:

Not technically weird or random, but…

About 12 years ago I was out at a club in Newark, NJ. A girl steps up to me and says “Hey…don’t I know you from that party in Seaside”?

Hmmm…I live 10 minutes from Seaside. I go to a ton of parties in Seaside. I don’t remember this one, but I meet a lot of women at parties in Seaside.

Cue fake-remember-mode: “Oh, yeah, sure, I remember you…yeah, that party in Seaside…sure…”

We hang out for the evening, exchange numbers, and wind up dating for about six months. After awhile, I decide it’s time to come clean. I confess that I don’t exactly recall meeting her at that party.

“That’s ok”, she says. “We never met at a party in Seaside. I just needed an excuse to talk to you”.


“Whatthe?! Who…how…but, how did you know I’m always hanging out in Seaside?!?”

“I didn’t. Lucky guess”.

Lucky guess. Yeah, I’d say. We met in a bar sixty miles away from my hangout, and she takes a shot in the dark that it’s someplace I’d go. Sheesh…:slight_smile:

So I’m at my apartment, not far from the University of Wisconsin, taking the empty pizza box to the garbage. While I’m out there, I notice that the stars are particulary bright tonight, and I take some time to admire them. A guy comes up and asks me what I’m doing, and I tell him.

Somehow, he engages me in small talk enough to keep me out there for a while. Then he starts talking about this girl he picked up in one of the bars, how she had a fake ID and how that wasn’t fair. He even asked to see it so he could gauge her age - how was he to know that she wasn’t yet 18? Anyway, he asked her back to his place, but things didn’t go as far as he wanted because she, for some reason, felt that he was “getting rough.” Then he talked about having to answer a bunch of police questions and how it really just put a wrinkle in his day.

As engaging as the conversation was :rolleyes: , I managed to beg off and get myself the hell outta there. His next question?

“Would you maybe like to come up for a drink?”

Now, normally I try not to associate with statuatory rapists who assault women, but sure for you, honey, I’ll make an exception. :wally

Science Fiction convention:

I’m walking down the hall with a friend and her husband. Her husband, John, recognizes someone he knows and we stop to say hi. He introduces his wife. His friend looks me up and down, and says to John “well, she taken?”

Got a phone call from a guy who was the clerk at the department store where I bought a sweater - he’d gotten my name and number from my check. After that, my number didn’t go on my check and I was delisted from the phone book.

Was once followed home from the mall from a guy who saw me, followed me to my car and followed me home. Didn’t date him either. Did threaten to call the cops.

That was so absolutely beautiful…

Oh, forgot one.

Was at a bachelorette party at a dance bar. I go to the bathroom, a guy follows me and when I come out, he starts a conversation. Obviously trying to pick me up. I explain I’m not interested, here with girlfriends, bachelorette party, have boyfriend, etc. He wants to give me his phone number. Whips out a $100 bill and writes his number on it.

I buy drinks for my girlfriends with it.

(Seems like an expensive way to get a date).

Probably a lot less then he usually has to spend to buy a woman’s company. :slight_smile:

OK, I don’t have any good ones, so I’ll post a story from friends. Two of my female friends worked together at a bank as tellers, who handled both inside counter service and the drive-up window (multiple lanes, those little tubes going through pneumatic chutes, the speaker system, that kind of thing). One friend kept noticing this guy who’d come through the drive-up window lanes comparatively regularly during her shift - I forget if he was just depositing his paycheck or doing banking for the business he worked for, but she’d see him every week or so, and she thought he was cute and seemed nice and everything, but she was too shy to do anything about it regarding actually dealing with him. She’d tell my other friend, her coworker, all about her ongoing crush, though. Coworker decides to step in, and next time The Guy drives up, the crush-ing friend is working at the counter on something. Coworker friend asks the guy over the speaker system if she can ask him a weird question. He says sure; she asks if he has a girlfriend. He gets the “is she asking me out?” facial expression, then kind of warily responds that he doesn’t. Coworker friend pulls over the friend with the crush and says that’s good, because she’d like to go out for coffee with you (or something to that effect).

The two of them got married last year, so it worked. :slight_smile:

Yes, and so was she. Of course, things worked out for the best. A few months later I came home to find that I was locked out of the apartment - the keyless deadbolt was locked. I knocked on the door, quite irritated at my roommate, and found that some of our mutual friends were in town and were spending the night in our living room and he had assumed (for some reason) that I was already home and asleep. Anyway, along with the folks I knew, there was this really cute blonde staying with us…over the course of the weekend we hit it off but she had a boyfriend so we resolved to just be friends - besides, I lived in Austin and she lived in Dallas.

Then her boyfriend decided that she was cheating on him with another guy (who she had no interest in at all) and broke up with her. So we started (long-distance) dating. Then she moved in with me. Then we got married.

We’re expecting our second son in about two weeks. :smiley:

Distant past:
In 1987 I was negotiating some contracts and was staying at the Holiday Inn in Davenport, Iowa. I was working with two others from my company, Bob and Betty. The negotiations were taking longer than expected and we had to stay over the weekend. Saturday morning we were having breakfast and Bob and Betty were sitting together on one side of the booth and I was alone on the other.

An attractive woman came in and sat alone in a booth across the aisle. She looked at me and smiled. I’m a friendly guy, I smiled back. She gave me a big smile and the “come here” index finger wiggle. I went over to see what she wanted. She asked me what I was doing in Davenport, where I lived, and then if I was interested in having a date. Only $50.00 for an hour, or $250.00 for all night. :eek: :smack: :smack: DaToad = whore-bait :smack:

Wow. Classy and smart.

A million years ago, when I worked in a nightclub during summer break from school I was hanging around after work listening to the band with a girl that worked in the restaurant. I offhandedly said, “What are we gonna do when I run outta drink tokes?” She said, “Have sex.” Okay! :smiley:

Another time, half a million years ago, I went to the library to get a repair manual (they don’t check those out! :mad: ) and ended up getting laid instead. :smiley: Fair trade-off, says I! :wink:

This must’ve been about 10 years ago. I was out at the bar with some friends and there was a guy across the way that was with his. We did a lot of eye flirts and smiles but that was as far as it went. After the bar, my friends and I head over to the neighboring 24 hours Hardee’s for some quick grub. Well, as we’re sitting there, in walks “the guy” and we catch each others’ eyes. I’m a really shy person and some coaxing from my friends say I should go talk to him.
I thought “I can’t just walk up to a stranger and start talking” so I thought I should get some kind of conversation piece. Hardee’s used to have smoking allowed in the restaurant and had those cheap tin ashtrays. I collected about 20 of 'em and fashioned a rose out of the metal with a lot of bending and the point edge of a pen for details on the leaves. I was a bit too into this fabrication before my friends said that he was leaving, so I etched my phone number on one of the leaves and gave it to him as he was walking out the door.

(Denouement: He called me, we went out, and had absolutely nothing in common. O well, I’m better off for it now :smiley: )

One from last weekend:

I was at an early morning club in London (where you go after the nightclubs are closed). Despite the advanced hour, I was feeling pretty fine, just chatting with my boyfriend waiting to be served at the bar. (Swaying slightly with a stupid smile, but on the whole, fine.)

A fairly big, shirtless guy wandered up, obviously eyeing me up (I’m a guy too–yep, it was one of those kind of bars.) He’s looking good, but I’m definitely not on the market. Nonetheless, shirtless guy grabs my upper arm like a ham bone at Tescos, grins and utters those immortal words, “Mmm, I’d like to throw you down and pick the ticks out of your fur!”

I don’t have ticks! I don’t have fur! (I don’t even have upper body hair!)

Unfortunately, in my addled state it took sometime for my brain to process the words I’d heard. In the meantime, my mouth filled the void with a typically gormless reply.

“Aww thank you, that’s very sweet.”

Then brain caught up, made this face :eek: , and I scuttled off with my boyfriend and away from my potential pest control man.

Heheh, these are great.

One time I was at a gay dance club in Olympia, WA shakin’ my ass and getting sweaty. I was pretty damn drunk by that point. This club had a self-service water tap and, as I was waiting in line to get a glass of water I turned around and saw this Amazonian(well, I’m 6’ and she was a couple inches taller than me) beauty in front of me. I looked at her, she looked at me, then I licked her chest. In retrospect, that was pretty disgusting and something that would most likely end up getting me punched in the nose(especially if my wife found out :P) but we ended up dating for about 8 months. God was she ever fun.

I also asked someone out at Pier 1 after she helped me select some curtains. We got married about four months later. The marriage lasted 11 months and was a wreck, but the Pier 1 discount was the BOMB! :smiley: