I was back in my hometown, visiting some buddies. We decided, as is our custom, to patronize the local drinking establishment. We walk in, and this scraggly redheaded drunk woman who’s probably twice my age (now to be known as Red-Headed Drunk, or RHD), approaches me:
RHD: You’re cute.
Me: Ummm… ok.
RHD: Can I buy you a drink?
Me: Ummm… just got one, but thanks anyway.
She leaves a few minutes later. So I think to myself, ok, kinda creepy, but not big deal.
Ten minutes later she returns, wearing a completely different outfit (an electric blue jumpsuit), 5 pounds of makeup, and enough perfume that the fragerance rays were visible to the naked eye. She immediately walks up to me, sits down in the chair next to me, puts her arm around me, and says what is perhaps the Worst Pickup Line Ever:
RHD: Hey baby, I cleaned myself up for you.
By this time, the entire assembled bar crowd is observing and having a good laugh at my misfortune. I quickly get up and wander over to my buddy standing at the bar, to order myself another drink. The (female) bartender approaches:
Bartender: Thank you so much for coming in tonight.
Me: Why do you say that?
Bartender: Because before you got here, RHD was hitting on me.
Me (thinking quickly): Well, I should at least get a free beer for that, right?
Anyway, after several more failed attempts to ignore the RHD, this conversation occurs (with most of my buddies and a good portion of the bar listening in):
RHD: Why won’t you talk to me?
RHD: Don’t you think I’m cu…
RHD: Don’t you like…
RHD: Do you want to…
Me: For the last fucking time, NO.
RHD: Why not?
Me: You’re drunk as hell, you’re not attractive to me in any way, and you’re annoying the shit out of me. Go the fuck away.
She then (I swear I couldn’t make this up if I tried) pissed herself in the middle of the bar and left.