Your worst foot-in-mouth episode.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

My friends and I went to Six Flags last summer. We were waiting in line to go on a water-rapids ride (6-8 people on this circular raft thing that splashes its way along a makeshift river). Waiting in the hot sun made the actual ride 500% funner. There was an Indian family in the raft with us, and the dad sounded exactly like Apu from the Simpsons :stuck_out_tongue: While all of us were laughing an shrieking, he was pretty deadpan during the whole ride, but appeared to enjoy it. He was saying “Oh my gosh!” about a thousand times every time water splashed into the raft.

After the ride, we were very hungry so we ate at a nearby eatery next to the ride. I was talking to my friends about the guy, emulated his accented “Oh, my gosh!”, and one of my friends gives this pained expression and kind of gestures for me to look in a direction. In the corner of my eye, I can see the entire family that was with us on the ride was standing behind us in the line for the eatery :eek: :smack:

42

Eons ago, I worked for an OBGYN/Fertility specialist. One of the fertility treatments we would perform would be artificial insemination with either the husband’s sperm, or donor sperm. While not all of our pregnant patients were pregnant as a result of fertility treatments, most everyone who became pregant while undergoing fertility treatments stayed with the practice throughout their pregnancy.

As is common with almost every single woman who has ever had a baby, the patients would bring their babies on their post partum visits, and we’d all oohhh and ahhh over them. New to the job, a patient’s husband came in one morning to pick up something for his wife who had just gone through a rough delivery, but they had a healthy baby boy as a result. He was beaming at telling us how healthy and beautiful his son was, but because he was so new, they didn’t have any pictures to show as of yet. So, I, thinking of his beautiful wife who had long, thick black hair (and he wasn’t all that easy on the eyes), say, “Oh, who does the baby look like?”

Dead silence. I thought I heard crickets in the background. Finally, the husband says, “He looks like his mother.”

Later, another employee handed me the chart. The baby was a result of an infertility treatment using donor sperm.

43

I’ve had several memorable foot-in-mouth experiences, but the one that stands out in my mind happened when I was about 16 years old and working my summer job as a nurse’s aide at the local hospital in a small midwestern town.

I was assisting this patient who had several medical issues, the most severe being diabetes. She had just had her second leg amputated at the knee and was having complications. Since she had been in the hospital for awhile on this visit as well as previous visits, it was common to have conversations of a little more depth than normal.

This one particular time, she was depressed. Her family members were no longer visiting her as they had at the beginning of her stay. I was doing my best to ease her mind and comfort her. She told me one of the reasons/excuses a family member had given and it didn’t make any sense to me. So, I SAID, "Oh I think they were just kidding with you. I’m sure they were just pulling your l… :eek:

Of course, I realized at the last second what I was saying and never actually said “LEG”, but it was the most horribly awkward and insensitive thing I had uttered to another human! I felt terrible about it and almost 30 years later, I STILL am aghast at my verbal blunder. From then on, THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!!!
Tough lesson.

44

Well, your joke was in poor taste, but sheesh, the guy let a 16-year-old girl get ALL THE WAY THROUGH a bad joke before bringing the hammer down! Not very classy on his part, either. He could have stopped you at any time.

I don’t know that mine counts as foot-in-mouth, but it was definitely inappropriate.

When I was in high school, I went on an 8-day mountain-climbing trip with a Christian (very Christian) youth group. Not three hours into the very first day, I was walking along with one girl that I didn’t know well, describing a windsurfing lesson I’d taken. I was telling her that the instructor talked just like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and she kept asking what I meant. Finally, in frustration, I burst out, “Jesus Christ, Megan!”

To which she snapped, “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain!”

I apologized, but things were chilly between us after that.

45

One of my co-workers was showing me pictures of her grandaughter, who was about a year old. For whatever reason, I had never seem her picture. The little girl had obviously taken a tumble and had a big cut.scab on her face. I ask how she fell and a silence hits the room. I, of course, continue. How did she get the big red mark on her face?

It was a port wine stain birthmark.

Then I try to recover by saying it is barely noticeable and so on and so forth.

I wanted to die.

46

I was woking in the machine shop with my buddie,our boss and a new girl.
Bossman taks off his big, heavy duty rubber gloves and is holding them.
As we stand there and scuttlebutt for a few,boss happens to hold up gloves and taje a whiff proclaiming “man, this glove smells like a rotten cunt”.
I say “you expect it to smell like roses?”
The new girl’s name was ROSE! :eek: :smack:

47

(I love telling this story, now that I’ve gotten permission from the agrieved party to repeat it, and now that it’s a few years in the past)

So I was dating a woman who’d suffered from abuse in her childhood. One evening, she was having really bad flashbacks to the sexual abuse she’d suffered at the hands of an uncle. I was trying my best to be be Good Sensitive Boyfriend, and cheer her up, and so forth.

One of the things I did was quote the line “We were led to believe that there would be punch and pie”, from South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, which actually caused her to start laughing. Figuring that I was on a winning tack, I cast my mind around quickly for another line from that movie, and the next thing that popped out of my mouth was:

“No one fucks uncles quite like you”

48

OK, I think Max wins at least a very (dis)honorable mention.

49

Okay, not one for me per se but for my friend Jim.
Not foot-in-mouth but more foot-in-butt?

Jim: During lunch hour myself and buddy Jim liked to go into Barnes and Noble while it was dead and read magazines. Jim had his face in a cycle magazine and I snuck down to the other end of the rack. I was startled by some commotion and when I looked up Jim was apologizing to and older woman who was walking away with a disgusted look on her face. He then approached me quickly with a beet red face, grabbed my arm, and said “we have to leave now”. Upon getting outside Jim said he thought I was still next to him and decided to do the “guy joke” thing and walk backwards into me, backing me into a corner, and then farting on me. He said he was terrified when in mid chuckle he looked up and saw me at the other end of the rack.

50

Went to see a friend in the Rocky Horror Picture Show on Broadway one night. After the show, we met him and a couple of his friends for drinks across the street.

I ended up talking to this one guy and we hit it off - in the middle of our discussion, he says “Hey, you know that song from A Wedding Story on TLC? That ‘Love Is All There Is’ song?”.

Not thinking, the first words out of my mouth are “Oh, yeah! I know that song! I hate it!”

Without missing a beat, he looks me dead in the eye and says “I wrote it.”

I turned eighty shades of red, green, and purple and apologized. Luckily, he laughed it off and said he wasn’t fond of it either, but they wanteda ‘touching’ song for the show.

I try to think before I speak now. It doesn’t always happen.

Ava

51

In your defense, avabeth, that really is a terrible song.

52

I once suggested to the ‘gang’ that we phone ahead and order our food from the local takeaway to save us having to hang around the shop for 15 minutes … at least one person in the group had a friend or close relation who’d committed suicide by hanging in the previous 2 months… :o

Another time I was reciting what was considered to be the World’s Most Offencive Joke (which was about abortion) and wouldn’t ye know it, someone had a sister/niece/some other female relation who’d had an abortion recently :o

I once lamented [loudly] to my friend about having to walk up that ruddy great fat hill (to her house) just as an extremely obese woman walked by :o

On the other hand there was the time a jackass I know (who thinks he’s a comedian) was telling ‘jokes’, one of which was about epilepsy. I told him deadpan that my sister is epileptic. His response was “so are the rest of us supposed to lay down and die?”

53

This thread reminded me of a situation which, luckily, didn’t happen to me, but which I was unfortunate enough to witness. I worked at a pizza place in college back in the '80s, and one night one of the assistant managers (who was kind of a jerk anyway) started rattling off a bunch of “Hyatt tragedy” jokes. After about five or six of these jokes, one of the guys in the kitchen turned to him and said “My parents died in that.”

54

A guy I worked with, whom we shall call “Mike”, had this tendency to “eat foot” over death related things. One time he mentioned something to the effect of “Yeah? Yo momma liked it!” or some-such to a coworker. My eyes went wide and coworker just muttered “my mom?” sheepishly and walked away. His mom had died when he was younger.

Another time, one of the writers we contracted work out to passed away. He was a really good friend of the owner of the company. Mike, “Eater of Feet”, knowing full well that they were friends and that the friend in question had passed, was heard to say “Well, that’s what happens when all your friends are on drugs!” Baffling. Did he think it was funny?

He was let go not long after.

As for myself, once on the middle school soccer team we were watching the girls as they played our cross-town rivals at Jones Middle School. As we were walking to the field I, trying to be cool or witty or something equally stupid, said “Those Jones girls are SUCH bitches.” Turns out that we were walking by a bleacher full of Jones soccer moms. :smack:

And recently, I have been playing a fun game called “Unintentionally Be Rude To Dr. Price.” Price is a former biology teacher of mine, who I really enjoyed. Lately though, I keep being unintentionally rude toward him. Like I will be sitting somewhere, staring off into space, sticking my tongue out (so I can think better :)) and who will be sitting directly in my line of sight, giving me a dirty look? Or the other day, I had a record 2 foot eating incidents in 3 seconds. I was looking in our college cafeteria for a bottle of Heinz 57 for my fries. The first full bottle I came to I picked up of the table and said “May I?”. I looked down and saw a girl, with art supplies, painting a nice arrangement of bottles she had set up at the table. After a lame apology, I went for another bottle–the one in front of Dr. Price. Flustered at the previous experience, I walked up intending to say “A thousand pardons, but would you mind terribly if I borrowed this?” Instead, what I croaked out a rather impertinent “Do you MIND?” as I grabbed the bottle.

I am seriously considering taking another class from Price, just to prove I don’t actually hate him.

55

Hampshire, how am I supposed to answer phones at work when I can’t stop laughing?!?

My story isn’t as bad as some others, but it’s funny.

OhFace and I were in the hotel in GA the weekend of the great Dopefest thing. She was trying on different pairs of pants and found that all of them seemed to be fitting rather loosely. So she say’s, “Man, all of my clothes are big, I must have been fat before,” in a kind of joking manor.

The following is what I meant to say:

me - “What do you mean you used to be fat?!!?” (She’s a tiny girl)

This is what actually came out of my mouth:

me - “What do you mean you used to be fat?!?”

Fucking classic

Oh, and my vote is for “murdered first born” and “uncle fucker”.

56

I have done these kinds of things a million times, and since I can’t think of anything specific right now, I just had to come in and tell y’all that I LOVE threads of this nature. Keep 'em coming.

I’m in the office by myself, and the sound of my own uncontrolled laughter in this empty building sounds so stuuuupid! I can’t stop…

57

My most recent – there was a new person working in another office on my floor, so I decided to swing by to introduce myself. From a distance, as I was walking up to her office, I saw her drop something, then dive down under the desk to pick it up. Then I heard 'Oh, damn!"

I reached her office just as she was sitting back up, and she had a huge black eye! OH MY GOD! I yelled, ARE YOU OKAY? because she had obviously smacked her head on something and given herself a black eye.

Except of course, she hadn’t. It was a birthmark. The “oh, damn!” was because her earring had rolled back behind the desk where she couldn’t reach it.

58

When I was in Girl’s Scouts, my troop went to help fix up a center for handicapped kids. I was helping to paint a big mural on one of the walls. This involved standing on a ladder while reaching up for a long time. When I got down, I plopped down on a couch next to one of the kids and said, “Whew! I feel like my arms are gonna fall off.” Yep, the kid only had one arm. :smack:

59

That reminds me of an old family story. My folks ran a magazine store. A regular customer returned after a few weeks’ absence. Quoth me mum: “Where ya been, spook?” For her, this was just an affectionate term. (She called me ‘spook’ a lot, as it happens.) She thought the shocked and angry response she got from the guy (who was black) was an over-reaction to perceived over-familiarity. I think she was probably mortified when she found out what was up.

60

And that reminds me of a story my friend loves to tell about getting to know me. She is now the office manager of my program but when we first met she was a new secretary in the department my fledgling program was under and not knowing any of us very well. I invited her to lunch one day and after she got her food she came over to wait with me while I had a sandwich made. She was unaware that the counter lady had just announced that she had gotten our orders confused and asked who had requested what bread. My new friend walked up just as I raised my hand and announced, “I’m white!” She told me later she thought, “My god, this one is nuts.”

Partly, I am sure, becasue of this other story she really gets a lot of mileage out of. When I started our program I came from a clinical marketing position and although I loved working with the newly injured patients and their families I was burned out on the 24/7 nature of the job and wanted my life back. My one priviso of the new job was NO on call, not even a pager requirement, which a lot of people fought wanting to shift the burden of their resposiblity to this new area. But I was determined this new program be proactive and not knee-jerk “just call smartini.” About a week after my friend came to work with us the following happened:

I came into the office after some really crappy meetings, not in the best of moods, and saw laying on my desk what I thought was a HUGE pager.
Me: slamming it down on the table: “I do not care WHO wants me to, I am NOT wearing THIS damn thing on MY belt!”
total silence
My friend: “It’s the calculator you asked me to order for you.”
Me: “Oh.”

:smiley: yeah, after 7 years she still loves that one.

on preview: who the hell is BecaSue and why can’t I ever type because correctly the first time?