Well that’s one thing my boy showed me – it’s good enough to get the patella up against the thigh on the inside of the groin. All about intent. I got some bruises probably still to show for it – since we were just playing and not going for crotch shots or one-two against the face/nose.
I’m definitely the wrong guy to ask for advice. I didn’t even get into fights in jr. high.
I did have a few friends who used to get into fights in bars, and sometimes they would spill over. This only happened two times or so before I got smart and stopped going to bars with people who would fight.
I problem I had was that as a non-fighter, I wouldn’t be paying attention, so I’d miss all of the buildup. That’s the time to go. Once a fight starts, some may get hurt, and it may be you, even if you are bigger or “better” than the other person. The other problem is that people who like to relieve their stress by getting into fights are used to having their asses kicked, and they are drunk, so they take pain better than us wimps do.
My advice:
- Don’t go to bars with people who cause problems. Especially ones who like to pick fights with marines.
1.a If you do break this rule, and you realize that your friend is about to get his ass kicked, then find the least aggressive looking friend of his and suggest you are going to get your friend out of there before there are problems. Then go back and follow Rule 1.
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The time to leave/move is when the guy is talking trash. I haven’t been around that many fights, let alone being involved in them, but it seems that the ones which happen are proceeded by a build up.
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If you missed your chance to escape when the stakes are still low, follow the advice of the bouncer above. On the couple of times I was directly involved, tackling/wrestling take down resulted in the least pain.
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Grow older. As others say, once you get a certain age, it just becomes silly.
Stone cold sober I can be driven into a rage to fight with just insults. Stupid as hell, but when every juice gets pumping, Mr. Spock is very hard to find.
-Bite his ear or nose off. Very very effective. My brother also said to make sure you have someone’s neck pinned, because, he might spin around and bite you. People can bite off a finger if they are pissed enough.
If the goal is to hurt the bully without retaliation from him or his friends, and later go home with a buxom barmaid with a Florence Nightingale complex, do this:
When the threat is apparent, start to cry and pee your pants a little. Between sobs, say, “my wife just left me, I was recently diagnosed with MS and my dog got run over by a bus. I apologize if I offended you in any and I’d like to buy you a beer to make amends.” Approach to shake his hand as he brings the frosty mug to his lips, but “inadvertently” flex your forearm up, crashing the mug through the bully’s front teeth and breaking his nose. Then, begin to cry again and say, “those damned myoclonic twitches, I curse the day I got MS!”
I can’t tell you how many times this tactic has gotten me laid. 
In my bartending days I’ve seen a few fights. From my experience, bar fights feature a) alcohol and b) two guys who both think (in their drunken haze) they can whip the other guy. Basically two drunk idiots pushing and shoving and wishing they could turn back the clock. I’ve seen one guy punch another by surprise, which can turn into a fight, but I’ve never seen one guy somehow force another to fight. There was never clever banter or debate that turned into two buys with their dukes up.
So, when I hear about people being attacked in a bar or getting into a fight, how does that go down? If someone attacks me unexpectedly, the fight is probably over already anyway unless they are a drunken idiot. That does happen. If someone just says “let’s fight” the answer is “no thanks.” That has always worked for me.
And when I was bartending, I never came out from behind the bar for any reason. Whatever went on “out there”, my job was to keep the drunks from messing with my area. The floor was for the bouncer. More than one fellow bartender suggested using a full liquor bottle across the face on anyone who tried to come over the bar but the situation never came up for me.
I’ve been punched in various pubs along the years (not since my twenties now I suppose) and I’ve found that falling straight onto the floor, clearing a space in the crowd does the trick quite nicely. It creates a theatrical tableau in which there’s an obvious brute/winner and pacifist/loser, which has always been enough reward for the puncher in my experience. Though I don’t doubt that that could lead to a further beating if the puncher was sufficiently angry.
I rarely go to bars, and my last fight was more recent than junior high school, but still a long time ago. Having said that, I do have a set strategy for such situations.
[ol]
[li]If at all possible (i.e., if I can do so without abandoning an innocent friend or any member of my family, innocent or not), run like a dirty coward. If running isn’t an option and all the other person wants is my wallet, watch, laptop, et cetera, I’ll probably hand it over.[/li][li]If (1) is not possible, vamp as long as possible until help arrives. Don’t be ashamed to double-team somebody.[/li][li]If (2) is not possible, seek a weapon. Try to intimidate the other person into backing down.[/li][li]If no weapon is available, fight as dirty as possible. Keys to the other guy’s neck, a knee to his crotch, biting, etc. are all allowed. Keep at it until he is no longer a threat.[/li][li]Avoid corners and other tight spots; try to get the other person in same.[/li][/ol]
Dumbest answer I’ve seen so far. If the guy you stab (or his friends) doesn’t kill you, the police will arrest you. The bar staff will break up any altercations, they don’t want to have to explain to the liquor board how somebody got beat up in their bar and they want their customers to feel safe enough to keep coming in.
The drunker an assailant is, the safer you are if you just keep your wits about yourself. So offer to buy the guy a drink.
My son worked as a bouncer at a Mexican bar in VA, this worked great for him to stop someone from moving forward, he once got to kick both shins and the guy went down hard. Scraping should be done as hard as possible but only really works with hard shoes or boots, my son wore cowboy boots. The level of pain is way out of proportion to the damage caused.
If the bully is already closing in on you and fisticuffs are unavoidable, protect your kidneys with your hands on your back and start flapping your “wings” and bobbing like a chicken. This will really infuriate your opponent, causing him to start throwing wild roundhouse punches. Before he connects with one, turn swiftly around so that he strikes some non-kidney area of your back, whereupon you exaggeratingly jerk your neck backward, fall to the ground and cry, “whiplash!” Be sure the bouncer restrains the bully till you get his contact information for your ambulance-chasing attorney. Yes, you may end up with a bruised back for a while, but the bully will end up with a bruised wallet for a long time.
I haven’t read the whole thread, but this actually happened to me about 15 years ago. I was siting at a table with some friends, glancing around the bar, when some guy yelled over “what are you looking at?” I really wasn’t looking at him or his table with any purpose, I suppose my eyes just stopped there for a few seconds.
Anyway, I looked away and about 5 seconds later an ashtray came flying through the air and smashed on our table. I told everyone we should leave, and then made the mistake of going to the bathroom first. The guy followed me in and started freaking on me after I finished my business at the urinal. I ran the fuck away, and I’m not too proud to say it. Fuck that shit. I’m not getting clobbered by some psychopath in a bar. I whisked my friends out on the way by, the drinks were already paid, and I told the bouncer on the way out that there was a lunatic in there and he should do something about it.
I didn’t stick around.
Oh, that was you, huh? You’re in Canada, right? I was in Canada for a day or two about 15 years ago, so that sounds about right.
So, tell me, what the hell were you looking at? It was my haircut, wasn’t it!?! I admit I was a little hyper-sensitive about that at the time…I told that Canuck hairdresser to give me a stylish Canadian cut, and she said, “oh, you want a moose cut” and proceeded to give me one—but it was just a mullet with antlers! And, as far as the urinal incident, dude, I was using the urinal next to yours and you hosed me pretty good with your hose, you hoser!
Ah yes, the moose cut was quite popular 15 years ago. It all started when a member of the Saskatchewan Lumber Jacks got his head caught in a Tim Hortons smoothie machine. The rest of the team, or “The Jacks” as we call them, decided to wear their hair the same way in a show of solidarity for old Pierre Poutine and it caught on from there.
You should see the latest fad: the beaver split.
A street-smart friend of mine has a pre-planned response. If the person yelling is tough, he stands up and yells back “Tom!? (or he adjusts the name to the race) Is that you?! Oh my God, I thought it was, hey man, let me buy you a drink. How the hell have you been!!!” He claims 100% of the time the person yelling looks confused, an explanation of mistaken identity over an old high school friend follows, then a free drink smooths everything out. I’ve borrowed this tactic, with suitable gender modifications, on at least one occasion.
I worked Security, I worked overnights in restaurants. Never threw a punch. Have a black belt, have some other belts. Still haven’t been in a fight since high school.
Do everything you can to make sure there isn’t a fight.
If one starts anyway, do anything you can to make sure you can walk away. If that means ducking low under his windmill punches, punching him in the nuts and running for the door, DO IT. If it means falling backwards over a table and then heading for the nearest exit, do it.
Some people relish getting into fights. I’m not one of them. I expecially don’t have any interest in trading punches with a drunk who likes to fight.
I think that you are making a huuuuuuge assumption: that he will stick around after the stabbing.
Defense is the best posture.
Block incomming strikes with hands. Keep something between you and the assailant.
Dont get cornered, dont get knocked down. Keep moving away.
If all else fails by that time …grab a chair and be done with em.
I’d break my hands hitting someone anymore. 
So, if some drunken maniac is in the act of assaulting me, I’m not allowed to defend myself? Interesting. Wonder how that would hold up in court once it becomes known that I was just minding my own business and some raving drunken lunatic attacked me for no reason and I stabbed him with my (admittedly sharp) utility/work knife.
ETA: this is also assuming that this assailant is much bigger than me. I would either leave or duke it out with someone similarly sized to me.
Well yeah, that’s part of it too. I am assuming (since I wouldn’t be drunk as I don’t drink in bars hardly ever and even then only a drink or two) that my assailant would be sufficiently incapacitated by being stabbed or slashed (with the threat of more if he doesn’t stop) in order for me to get the hell out of there ASAP.
The kick to the balls seems like a low percentage shot (as ryan mentioned).
A punch to the throat/adams apple area can be disabling. I had a friend demonstrate on me (semi-lightly) and I was immediately stopped.