You're an adult male being attacked in a bar - Your last fight was in Jr High - What do you do?

I’m a large, relatively strong person, but I have no real world martial fighting skills whatsoever other than the old schoolyard standbys of flailing, grabbing and scuffling. If diffusing a fight is impossible and you are cornered by someone comparable to you in size and strength who attacks you in a bar or similar public place what do you do?

What the bar fight game plan for the non-martial artist?

That last sentence is a doozy. Any of the best advice you’re going to get will be either rooted in, or already incorporated to some form of martial art.

Short of a quick schooling in Drunken Monkey and Silent Mantis Kung-Fu attacks I’m just looking for practical advice. Do you go to the floor? What do you try to do to keep yourself from getting vigorously pummelled?

Escape, (RUN AWAY), or kick in the balls, then run even faster away.

This is pretty difficult via text. It would be a lot easier to have somebody show you a few things in person. It’s also a pretty open-ended question:

  1. Is this guy looking to FIGHT you or to KICK YOUR TEETH IN?
  2. You say he’s of similar build (big and strong), but is he also similarly skilled (not at all)?
  3. Are you looking to safely disengage or to fight back?

Assume he’s very drunk and is coming after you.

Fight vs kick my teeth in is not a fine distinction I can make in that circumstance.

Let’s assume as a experienced shit starter he has some basic brawling skills. Not Ninja stuff but better than your desperate grabbing and flailing

Let’s assume disengagement is not going to happen with two big guys scuffling in bar. The objective is to survive intact with minimal damage until the police some.

Run if possible; if not grab an improvised weapon and hit him until he’s disabled, then run. You obviously don’t want to kill him, and you don’t want to find out he’s tougher than you think or has equally drunk & violent friends.

Forearms in front of face, try to be on top.

That’s the best all around solution to:
“Two big guys scuffling in bar. The objective is to survive intact with minimal damage until the police <show up>?”

Using a foes weight, momentum and size, can often be very, very effective. Aikido, Judo, and all the Jiu Jitsus use these principles. One way of thinking of it is, if his fist is rocketing toward you, let it go on it’s course, just don’t be in it’s path. Encourage the rest of his body to follow that errant fist, and maybe end up in a wall.

Call one of the bar’s employees over to deal with it.

Let the bartender deal with the guy. With my heart condition, anything that raises my pulse too much can kill me. Whatever we’re fighting over, it’s not worth it.

Do you want responders to take into consideration possible assault or manslaughter (if injury kills the guy) charges into consideration when they’re responding?

I’m not a guy, but I’d go for (a) get the bouncer over or (b) groin kick followed by hide behind the bouncer.

If you pick up a weapon and hit him before he lands a blow on you, you’re looking at potential manslaughter charges if he dies from the injuries.

Which is probably better than ending up crippled or dead after he finishes beating on you. A nonviolent solution or getting someone to restrain the guy would be a much better solution, but if it descends into violence the important thing is to avoid getting badly hurt or killed.

HARD kick to the balls and escape. The attacker in this situation is unlikely to be alone, his mates will be egging him on and may join in rapidly.
Without training your chances of fighting and maintaining your ground are unlikely.

With luck, everyone is a little too drunk to react quickly to your kick and escape.

If you have your car keys with you, I always figured that was what the “panic” button was about.

OK, professional bouncer advice here.

First, retreat if at all possible. Don’t turn your back and run, but move away as quickly as possible and let the staff know about the problem. If he’s very drunk, as stated, you’re likely to be more nimble and balanced than he is. Keep moving and don’t let him close in on you.
If he’s very close, push/shove him away or off to one side while yelling for help from the staff. The police are, at best, several minutes away. That’s more than enough time to take a serious beat-down. If he’s able to close in on you, grab him in a bear hug pinning his arms and/or tackle him to the floor. Again, shout for help. If the staff can’t/won’t help, often other patrons will when seeing one person being attacked for no reason.
If you have any confidence in your punching skills, a quick jab to the nose can be extremely effective at buying you some maneuvering room but won’t generally end a fight. Unless you’re practiced in kicking moving targets, don’t try the classic “kick in the balls”. It’s harder than most people realize and you’ll be making yourself unbalanced and more vulnerable when you try. Especially on a potentially wet or slippery barroom floor.
Don’t hit someone preemptively with an object like a bottle or such unless you’re looking for a felony assault charge. Even if he swings his fists first, it can still be considered as an escalation, so unless you’re in fear for your life, don’t make any obviously potentially deadly counter moves.
If you get knocked down, go fetal and cover up your head and vitals. Odds are you may get kicked but not stomped. Stomping is a lot worse. Again, keep yelling for help. Don’t worry about appearing like a wimp, just scream bloody murder. You’re not a fighter, so don’t worry about appearances.
If you are honestly in fear for your life, grab a bottle or mug and crack him horizontally above the ear. This will impart maximum acceleration to the skull and thus giving greater chance for a knock out or stun without doing the extensive damage to the bone and brain that a vertical blow to the top of the skull can cause. Generally. Once you decide to strike, anything is possible. Including killing someone with a simple punch to the jaw and depending to the legal climate, self-defense may not be a viable legal defense.

I agree with almost everything but this. Faced with a situation in which you want to escape quickly, taking into account the person being attacked has no fighting skills, a kick to the balls may be more successful than a uneducated strike.

Its self defense 101 IMO, fairly big area to hit with a long blunt object (your leg). And my disabled the attacker longer.

Place your forearms crossed upon your forehead as if to ward off a blow, duck a little, let him get a little close then scream “Dont hurt me!” or “I don’t wanna fight!” and then force yourself forearms first, up and forward hard. Run through him, it will be easy as this simple maneuver overbalances pretty much any human’s center of gravity. This will allow you to bull directly through your opponent, and unless he massively outweighs you you can easily knock him over. Then run away. If however, you are in serious fear for your life, once he’s on the ground, kick the ever living hell out of him. Do not stop until he is sufficiently disabled. Then call the police for assistance.

Potentially more successful if it connects but definitely riskier to attempt. Throwing a quick punch opens you up a lot less than a full-leg kick and you get to keep moving and keep both feet on the floor. Again, it depends on the persons skill level and confidence. Also, a kick to the balls vs punch in the nose against a very drunk person, the punch can often have more immediate effects than the kick due to inebriation levels. Shock/impact to the nose or face can cause some severe pain and watering of the eyes that may take a few seconds to filter in compared to a kick in the “nads”.
A kick can be delivered at greater distance and with greater power but is harder for an untrained person to manage. Most people use their hands pretty constantly for a lot of different things but how many of use our feet for anything but walking?

Did you kick that kids ass in jr high?

Bull your little digits into fist shape objects. Hold them in a classic fighter pose.

Stand at about a 45 degree angle facing your opponent. Bend your knees a bit.

Throw punches in rapid succession to exposed parts of your opponents head and body.

This is such a non issue.

First, bar fights rarely if ever last longer than a minute before employees or other patrons break it up.

Second, tell the said person with zero shame that you will not fight them. For whatever reason, this seems to take the wind out of most folk’s sails. You may have to reiterate that sentiment several times before it sinks in, but it does seem to work.