1.) You’re at a bar, some guy that you don’t even know calls you a “pussy”. How do you react? Assuming you blow said guy off non-confrontationally; what if he persists? What if he asks you to “Step outside”? How would you handle the situation?
2.) What if you’re at the bar with your GF and some asshole calls your Lady a bitch? Or suppose he gave her a little smack on the ass? How do you now respond?
And Ladies, if you were the woman in the second situation; how would you want your BF to respond? When answering the hypothetical you should assume that said asshole is of equal size and physical strength as your man. So if your man were to get in a fight, there is no guarantee the your guy would win.
OK me first:
Scenario one: I’d probably keep blowing the guy off non-confrontationally. If he were to ask me to step outside; I’d tell him “Well, I’m not going to step outside right now, but if you want to hang around until I’m ready to leave than your more than welcome too.” (I’ve actually had to tell somebody exactly those words before.)
Scenario two: I’m embarrased to admit I’d probably start beating my chest and start acting like a neanderthal. Does that make me sexist?
(In case anybody is wondering; this thread was inspired by Astro’s latest thread.)
Worked Security, some of it armed, for four years and only put my hands on someone once. I mean, more than touching. No fights, never hit anyone, never been hit. That one time was pretty much to shove a drunk out the door, unfortunately several times as he kept coming back.
The first instance, I’d probably wink and make kissy faces at him, while laughing and mocking him, insinuating that he wanted me sexually. But I’d only do that while he was actively engaging me. If he walked away, I’d go back to whatever else I was doing - although my Security reflexes would ensure that I’d never take my eyes off him - no being blindsided by him while I turned my back.
In the second case, at first I’d probably laugh and say “Oh, so you know her?” and diffuse it with humor. If he hit her ass, then I’d advise him that he has physically assaulted my girlfriend and that he’d better take a hike. While I worked that four years of Security, have a black belt in TKD and a yellow belt in Aikido, I’ve only taken a grand total of TWO swings at other humans in my entire 28 years of adult life. I’m not going to start a fight. But if one comes, I’m not holding back or messing around. He’s going down hard in a big hurry, probably with injuries that will take a while to heal.
Look, words only hurt you if you let them. I learned that well. I’ve dealt with all manner of drunks, kids and hooligans, and my standard tactic has always been to allow them to run their mouths and say anything they want to say, while smiling, laughing and continuing to do my job. Or whatever else I’m doing. Nothing confuses a loud mouth more than refusing to be engaged or insulted by the solid stream of shit they throw. And as I say, I’ve never been attacked by any of them, because I’ve made very sure that while my mouth and face are laughing, the rest of my body language is saying that I’m paying very close attention and they’re not going to be able to sneak up on me. Generally, the bigger the mouth, the greater the coward. They want YOU to start the physical stuff. If you don’t do it, they don’t know what to do.
Caveat: I’m gay, so my lady is generally another dude.
In both scenarios, I’d blow the guy off as long as I possibly could. I’ve never been bothered by a drunk long enough to really irritate me to where I couldn’t ignore him, but if it came to it, I’d probably ask a bouncer to step in (at a club), or get the bartender to call the cops (at a bar).
If I were in the lady’s position, I’d want my man to react the same way. There are few things trashier than a bar fight, IMO, no matter what the justification.
Second situation: he should shrug it the hell off and at most suggest maybe we find another drinking establishment. We’re neither cave-dwellers nor Victorians, and there’s no need for him to take a swing to “defend my honor.”
That said, if I have an encounter with the local Mr. Grabby and he doesn’t take the polite and then less-polite hint to get the hell away from me, any guy I’m out with better stay the hell out of the way and let me deal with it. If there are going to be blows exchanged as a result of someone’s unwanted actions towards me, than I’m sure as hell going to be involved in that.
I’d probably laugh/smile at him and go back to whatever I was doing. If he was sufficiently bothersome or couldn’t seem to figure out he was being ridiculous, I’d see if I could get security to throw him out.
She’s her own lady. I don’t own her. If he tried some physical intimidation act while she was responding, I’d probably point out to him that he appeared to be threatening to fight a 5 foot tall 100 pound girl… see #1.
It’s my experience that people who are interested in bar fights know better than to start them with the people who lack that interest.
Second situation: I’d want my man to take cues from me.
Suppose I want to joke my way out of it, or if I want to leave, he should be at my side with an amused look or with cahs to pay off the bill so we can leave quickly.
It is hard to imagine a situation arising in the Netherlans where a fight would be the best and safest answer; but if it were, I’d want him to fight only if I had asked him to.
“Amazing, did you think that one up all by yourself?”
Various permutations of 2.
Subtly imply I won’t come back to the establishment to the bartender (or a bouncer/runner if they’re near me, as they tend to patrol the area) if this persists. If the person who’s being insulting is somewhat drunk they’ll probably be removed fairly quickly.
If all else fails, go to a different part of the bar or leave altogether, no point getting worked up.
Second:
Obviously, my friends can take care of themselves, but generally:
Ignore
Joke with them (depending on how much it’s bothering my friend, I may go straight to three)
You seem to be sexually harassing her, you DO realize that’s not exactly legal, or nice, right?
Same as above, slightly louder so other people in the area notice.
DIRECTLY ask security or another employee to have them removed.
Leave myself.
Really, the only possible scenario for me fighting is if someone really, really emotionally/physically scarred a friend of mine (even if they did it to me I’d be hesitant). We’re talking rape/abuse levels here, in which case the gloves come off and I don’t care how untrained or scrawny I am, I’ll make sure you’re several levels away from consciousness in the near future.
Talking, joking, ignoring, walking away, getting security - all would be tried first. If for some odd reason none of that worked, I’d make an explicit threat (“I’ve asked you to stop, and this is the last time. Do it again, and I will hurt you.”), and then carry that out with an ear clap followed by a nail gouge across the eyes. If he’s too tall for that, a punch to the throat. I’m not interested in a clean fight, and if he has ignored that many requests, I consider it a self-defense scenario.
If my husband were with me, I’d be seriously pissed off if he got involved without me explicitly asking, which I don’t think I’d do. I may be a princess, but I can do my own rescuing, thanks.
1: Most likely blow them off and keep doing so, unless we’re both pretty darn drunk, in which case I hope my friends cool me down.
2: I’d tell him off, and seriously threaten him that I’d open up a can of whop-as, if he wouldn’t back off. Then take ques from my GF regarding how to proceed. (Yeah, I’d be a whipped Neanderthal)
1st situation: I’d ignore it as long as possible, leave if it became necessary, but if the guy said he was going to wait for me outside or escalated, I’d probably ask the bartender to call the police as the gentleman was threatening me. If he wouldn’t, I’d do it myself.
2nd situation: He’s insulting me, so I wouldn’t expect my husband to deal with it. If someone hits me it is up to me to respond, not him.
In either case, if I was in my regular I’d quietly mention to the staff that he was bothering me. The problem would be solved quickly, probably by eviction.
There was one time I was on a ski trip with my girlfriend of the time and a drunk idiot in a bar insulted my girlfriend for no reason and then waited for me to react. He was clearly looking for a fight and he had his posse of about 5 or 6 guys and they were all standing around watching me. I made that “I’m disgusted/something smells bad” face and walked on to where we were going.
That was many years (I accidentally typed “tears” and went back to correct it) ago but I still regret not punching the guy in the face. If I had my time over, I’d take a shot at him.
People insulting me, or attacking me, I don’t mind. I’ve had a guy attack me because I beat him in a pool game, but I managed to slap off most of his punches. After he cooled down I went up and tried to make peace with him. He didn’t want any of it. I had a small cut near my eye, that was all. I still have no animosity towards him at all and have no desire to kick his ass or anything like that. Strange world.
I would never physically assault someone except in self defense. I would think a lot less of someone who would. No verbal provocation should lead to a physical altercation. If I was on a date with a guy and he got into a physical fight for any reason other than he was attacked and had no option except to fight back, that would be our last date.
In both cases I would immediately leave the bar (with my SO) if I could do so safely. Otherwise I would call the police.
There’s just too much danger in physically confronting somebody (or escalating a verbal confrontation), since you never know if the other guy or his buddies are armed. Even if you win in a physical confrontation, what if you seriously injure or even kill the other person? Then you might find yourself charged with manslaughter.
Well, if I really wanted to stay at the bar for some reason - such as a planned family/friends gathering or a band I really wanted to see, I’d probably try to relocate within the bar away from the jerk. And before leaving I’d consider asking security if they could help me out. But I’d definitely leave before getting into a fight. And my wife would be cool with that. And she knows that unless the other guy is armed and knows how to use his weapon, I’d be able to best most potential opponents. But then there is the possibility of injuring myself in the process, and/or possibly facing legal action should I hurt someone. Just not worth it over some words and a smack on the ass.
I promise you that there are no words alone that could convince me to fight anyone.
I’m pushing 40. I no longer throw the first punch. If I get into a fight it’s going to be because I intend to hurt the other person until he submits or is dead, and I’m only going to be willing to do that if I or someone I love is in danger of losing more than dignity–i.e. actual physical harm,
I’d have to see the situation first - and I haven’t yet - but if I was in no mood for a fight and was trying to solve it without one (every time so far), then my gf asking me to fight for her would be a signal for me to end the relationship.
Not saying you’re wrong or anything, but this is a tricky situation and “hold back until I ask you not to” is a huge red flag for me personally.
OTOH, I certainly would understand the desire not to have your man going off on someone else when you don’t think it’s the right thing to do.
I’m not sure how worried I’d get about unwanted comments, it would depend on what my instincts told me about the situation. If I did feel threatened then I actually would want my boyfriend to step in and say something, I think a 3rd party and cause embarrassment and diffuse the situation faster than I could alone. That said, I would want my boyfriend to follow my reaction. If I were obviously brushing it off then I would want him to ignore it as well.
I don’t go to bars where people get into fights. If someone actually asked my boyfriend to “Step outside?” I dunno, I’d probably be on my way out the door wanting to know how we ended up in that shithole bar in the first place.
ago but I still regret not punching the guy in the face. If I had my time over, I’d take a shot at him.