You're being held captive by a madman. What fictional detective do you want on the case?

Once I would have written a long set-up. I’m too lazy now, though. Let’s just say that the madman plans to torture, rape, murder, and eat you, not necessarily in that order, but that there’s someone ahead of you on the menu and it’ll a week before it’s your turn in the grinder. What detective (or detective team) do you want on the case–not merely to find you, but also to rescue you?

Sam Vimes and Carrot Ironfoundersson. That way if they are a little late with the rescue, they can at least get me to an Igor for repairs.

I’d definitely want the best of the best – Sherlock Holmes.

Agreed, but I want Angua instead of Carrot. She’s almost as capable as Carrot, frankly - plus, this way I get to meet Angua!

Encyclopedia Brown. No one ever gets tortured, raped, murdered and/or eaten in an Encyclopedia Brown story.


I’m thinking Columbo might not be bad. He doesn’t often carry a gun, which is worrisome. However, he tends to zoom in on the criminal immediately but lets the suspect think that he’s confused, which lulls them into a false sense of security. Then, he becomes so persistent in coming back and picking apart the suggestions offered by the suspect that the criminal is driven nearly to madness in the process. I suspect the average madman might have their brain just shut down in utter frustration.

Not Perry Mason, though. Sure, he’s a lawyer, but he always figures out the criminal. The problem is, this doesn’t happen until someone falsely accused is being defended by him, and I’d probably be dead meat by that point.

Scary that someone else thinks so much like me… That’s exactly what I was going to say.

Slylock Fox - Considering the criminals he deals with I’d have tortured raped and eaten the mad(wo)man before he even showed up

Yes, but EB’s an idiot.

As long as it’s not the CSI guys on my trail-- most of their cases don’t end well for the victim.

Kinky Friedman.

Inspector Sledge Hammer, sure he’s mentally unbalanced, talks to his gun like it’s a person, and has a rather “flexible” view about the implementation of violence, especially if it’s HIM implementing it, but he always gets his man, and the perp always ends up at least a little beaten up/damaged in the process

Trust me, I know what I’m doing…

But he’s got, like, a 100% success rate. Way better than Holmes.

Harry Dresden. He’s a freaking wizard.

He was going to be my pick once I saw that rescue was part of the deal. Those books have some pretty epic rescues.

Also some epic fails. No, thank you.

That’s why I chose BATMAN.

Lance White

That was Tom Selleck’s character on a couple episodes of The Rockford Files (one of them was just on last night). He takes out two bad guys with one gunshot and a ricochet; when he gets shot, it’s just a flesh wound.

I’d not only be rescued, I’d win the lottery.

Rescue has to be part of the deal. If you’ve already been killed by the madman, you probably don’t care.

I’m torn between Gibbs’ NCIS team and Spenser & Hawk. Neither will ever give up while the team leader is alive. Gibbs has more technical resources at his command, especially in regards to forensics; on the other hand, Spenser knows somebody who’ll do him a favor no matter wherever he goes.

Being rescued by Gibbs will probably involve a trip to the NCIS squadroom at some point, which will allow one the chance to meet and hit on Abbby. There’s no point in hitting on Susan; even though she’s permanntly stuck at about 45 years old, she’s not leaving Spenser again. On the other hand, there’s also the chance of meeting Rita Fiori, who is hotter than Susan once once one adjusts for Spenser’s love goggles, and who is certainly more–how best to put it?–slutty. :smiley:

Nah. I’m not rich enough for Rita. Gibbs for the win.