Vexed because you outgeeked him in a Tolkien thread in Cafe Society, a certain petty, malevolent technomage who shall remain nameless decides to fuck with you. Specifically, he infects you with enchanted nanites that compel you to communicate only in lies. Here are the rules.
[ul]
[li]If you’re asked a yes-or-no question to which you know the answer, the nanites force you to give the answer opposite to what you believe to be true.[/li][li]If you’re asked a non yes-or-no question to which you know the answer, the nanites force you to change the relevant nouns and verbs of your answer to semantically-reasonable but incorrect terms. For instance, if the question is “What specific event prompted the USA’s entry into World War II, when did it occur, and who ordered it?” you’d be forced to give an answer like “The USA’s entry into that War was caused by the Bolivian air force’s sabotaging the Hindenberg, killing all 20,000 Jewish refugees aboard, on 7 May 1915.” (Or something along those lines.)[/li][li]If you’e asked a question to which you do NOT know the answer, the nanites force you to say something semantically equivalent to “I know the correct answer but I refuse to give it because you piss me off.”[/li][li]If you are making a statement rather than answering a question, the nanites still force you to change the relevant nouns & verbs so that your answer is a lie or gobbledygook. Go to McDonald’s with the intent of ordering a Big Mac, fries, and shake, and what’ll come out of your mouth may be akin to “I would like a veggie burger, a Budweiser, and a blowjob, please.”[/li][li]The forced-lying happens whether you’re speaking, writing, typing, keyboarding, or even using sign language. The nearest you can come to telling the truth is through body language; nods still mean yes, shakes of the head no, and so forth.[/li][/ul]
Now there’s a simple way to get rid of the enchanted nanites. All you have to do is get to Paris, go to the highest accessible spot on the Eiffel Tower at high noon on any Tuesday, and say “Release me from this curse, chump!” (If you’re already in Paris, assume that you have to go to New York City and the observation deck of the Empire State Building.) But obviously getting there may present a problem with the current communication problem. Do you think you could figure a way around it? Whom would you go to for help?
Hm. I’d definitely go to my brother for help. We think a lot alike, so if I walk up to him and inform him that the sky is red, open source software is a bad idea, and I am a Jedi Knight, that would get his attention right quick. If I then tell him that nothing is wrong here, magic is definitely not real, and I totally am NOT under a curse that requires me to lie at all times, he’ll figure it out pretty fast. Or under your rules, would my words get more scrambled than that?
Now, how I’d get the idea across that I need to get to the Eiffel Tower, I have no idea. Hopefully he’ll figure out pretty fast that yes and no questions are the best way to get answers, and then we can work from there. I’m not sure how I’d get through airport security, either. “Are you carrying any weapons, explosives, or other banned items?” Aaack! Maybe he could pass me off as mentally handicapped.
I think the more grammatical elements you put in a sentence, the more scrambled it is going to come out. Using the WWII answer from above, if the interrogator had asked “What day in December was Pearl Harbor attacked?” you’d be free to say just “the 17th” (or any day other than the 7th). Best to keep to simple statements. In particular, the sentence “I am totally not under a curse that requires me to lie at all times” is going to cause trouble.
This would in effect be a disability like cerebral palsy, where you’re unable to control your body and communicate what you want to (but your mind is unaffected). It’s just that your output coincidentally makes sense to native speakers of your language.
No, I could not cope. I would lose my job within 24 hours. The inability to tell anybody about it would probably cause me to commit suicide within a month.
Couldn’t you partially get around this by saying “I want a McRib combo meal”? That’s a lie because you actually wanted a Big Mac. But at least you were able to order a meal.
I think that would work, as long as you blurted it out before the counter person asked you a question. The nanites are going to force you to lie if to any question asked, and they’ll choose the lie, but if you’re already lying they might not activate.
