You're Summoned To Court For DWS!

The BBQ Pit
1

Dear Dumbass Driver:

You are hereby summoned to court for the following offenses of Driving While Stupid (if you don’t kill yourself first):

–There is a switch on the side of your steering wheel called a turn signal switch (Yeah, remember that?). No, it’s not to hang rubberbands or your rubbish bag or your air freshener. Use it. It’s even better when you decide to use it way before the two seconds before you turn or change lanes.

–Is there some compelling reason why you absolutely must look squarely at your passengers while engaging in an animated conversation with them? I’m pretty sure they are listening to you (or maybe they aren’t), but hey…at 55 mph, I’m pretty sure they aren’t going to walk out on you.

–There was absolutely no one behind me. Yet, you felt you just had to cut me off and squeeze in between me and the Chevy in front of me. You know what? Their bumper sticker wasn’t even that funny.

–I thought you loved your kids.

“Oh of course! Don’t be silly! I love them and I’m really proud of them!”

You mean you love them so much that you must have them standing on the front seat of the car right next to you and not in a child car seat? You love them so much that you’ll give them anything, even a mobile Romper Room in the back seat? However, I’ll agree you are really proud of them. Soon enough they’ll be a hood ornament.

“Don’t be silly, I’m driving slow and being really attentive.”

Yeah, Clue #43756265, asshole, not everyone else is driving slow and being attentive.

–How would you like it if Rover left you in the car on a hot, sunny day with the windows rolled almost all the way up? “I’ll just be a minute”, he barked at you, while you cursed the fur coat you were wearing with the stuck zipper. Well? How would you like that? Didn’t think so, imbecile.

–What? You woke up late? Is that the reason you feel you must apply your mascara and lipstick while negotiating that turn? You could always take a restroom break to stealthily apply it (on Company Time, of course). You ain’t all that anyway. Then again…maybe you might look better with a lipstick tube protruding out of your face, applied hands-free by your airbag! Imagine that!
Love,

Your friendly fellow driver (who has the SDMB BBQ Pit as therapy).

I’m sure you’ll “run into” (pun intended) someone who would gladly open a can of whoop-ass on you soon enough.

2

And I was in awe of your ability to switch the cel phone to your left hand whenever you had to shift.

…which left you steering with which appendage?

3

I though DWS was Driving Without Shoes.

4

Everytime I encounter a DWS offender that doesn’t understand how to use the turn signal, I can’t help but think that they probably can’t operate a toilet either.

LilShieste

5

When I read this line I immediately thought of an old Gallagher line about how all drivers should be equipped with dart guns which fired little “stupid” signs to be shot at the bumpers of cars whenever someone cut them off, failed to signal a turn, or exhibited some other sign of moronic driving behavior. Any time a cop saw a car with more than five of these signs attached to it, the cop could pull the car over and give the driver a ticket for being an asshole.

6

How 'bout those “green light slow down” types. I can see slowing down for a red and easing to the light. I can see slowing down for the yellow. But FOR GOD’S SAKE why are you slowing down for the GREEN light you dimwitted mouthbreather. ITS FUCKING GREEN. GREEN MEANS GO- YOU DUMPSTER-LICKING MORON!! A red light is not a frigging Christmas- why are you so hopeful for its arrival? “Maybe if I slow down enough I can see the red light-- weeeeee!” Idiot.

Normally these ass-carpets just make it through the light, leaving a long line of cars they prevented from making the light stewing behind them.

Also to the passive-aggressive uncle-fuckers who camp in the left lane while doing much less then the speed limit. Look in the mirror you custy dingleberry on the ass of life- the long line of cars behind you ain’t a parade.

Oh, and while I am pissed off, you map-boy. You want to read the map, then PULL THE FUCK OVER AND READ IT. Do not drive around 15 miles an hour under the speed limit with the map folded OVER your steering wheel. What are you, a fucking graduate of the Joey Chitwood stunt driving team? Damn. Oh- keep slamming on your brakes at each intersection to compare the street signs to your map Magellan. That way you can get directions from the car that piles into your ass.

Oh, a special shout out to the homocidal maniacs the City of Chicago hires to “drive” it’s buses. Remember folks, Red=Stop, not floor your 60 ton death missle through the intersections. When you want to pull out- try NOT to crush the taxpayers cars with your smoke-spewing rolling billboard. And don’t even get me started on the damn sociopath cabbies. . . . One day I will invent a car-horn seeking missle and boom!

-me

:rolleyes:

7

Ooh! Ooh! I wanna circulate that as a UL!

8

UL?

9

Urban Legend! I wanna circulate a UL about a woman who was doing her face while driving and because of her inattention, hit something, causing the airbag to inflate and drive the shaft of the lipstick tube into her face! Either it had to be surgically removed, or she’s stuck with it permanently and can’t go anywhere…The price of vanity!

10

LolaBaby, I think I love you.

Even though you’re 6500+ miles away, you and I drive on the same roads, apparantly. Creepy.

Did anyone else see Rod Serling walk by…?

11

No, no, Rilchiam, it went right up her nose and had to be surgically extracted - it left the lipstick on her brain, and when she went in for explorator surgery for a suspected brain tumour five years later, the doctors could still see the lipstick embedded in her brain (ya gotta make ULs believable, you know.)

12

Yes! Yes, that’s it, featherlou! My FIL heard about it from his second wife. See, her sister’s boss knows someone who processed the insurance claim for it, about five years ago in another city. The airbag people settled right away so there would be no publicity, that’s why I can’t give a cite.

13

You mean to tell me that the city of Chicago hires crazy people that kill homosexuals to drive cabs?