“I am Woman” - Helen Reddy
And lots of Back Street Boys and easy listening music. Kenny G. Yanni. Michael Bolton. AAAAA, I’m going crazy just thinking about it!
And those songs that get stuck in your head like It’s a Small World and Banana phone: http://gprime.net/flash.php/bananaphone
Ok, looks like the winner is…“It’s a Small World”. So here, dudes for your edification is Hell:
You are in a small boat, on a river of sloooooooly moving boiling asphalt. Around you, on both sides, are badly done animatronic demons, singing “It’s a Small World” in that high pitched kids voice they used. Over and over and over and over and over. It’s about 105 degree F, and it’s very muggy. The air conditioner is just wafting bad smells out. The bench is hard, and makes your back hurt. Your ass is stuck to the seat with sweat.
Here are your fellow passengers: Sitting in your row are two sweet little old people.The woman has on so much cheap perfume that your eyes are watering and there are palpable waves coming off her, she is chattering constantly to her husband who is not listening as he is asleep and drooling on your shoulder. His elbow is very sharp. Both have the “funny old folks smell”, and someone’s adult Depends not only needs changing, but is leaking. Your pants are only slightly wet, but you know it will get worse.
Starboard and ahead are two German tourists, smelling of cheap beer and cigarettes. They are so grossly fat the boat lists alarmingly to starboard. They are singing along, in German. Out of tune. Beside them are two Japanese tourists who are taking flash pictures so constantly you occassionaly experience a strobe effect. The clicking of their cameras would sound much like a hoard of Hades cockroaches, but your know that can be correct as those very roaches are running across your feet. The floor is sticky, but that doesn’t seem to slow them down a bit.
Right behind you is a single mom, with three kids. The baby’s diaper needs changing, and the Mom is doing that right here and now, while giving a blow-by-blow on her cellphone to her mother. The baby hasn’t stopped crying since the start of your 4 hour wait in line. The two-year old has been sea sick (the quanity was impressive), and is now simply screaming at the top of his lungs. The 4yo has been kicking the back of your bench ever since the ride started. She has gotten her cotton candy into your hair. But her Slurpee spill washed part of it off.
Behind her is two punk/goth kids, who have never even seen a bar of soap. They are loudly ridiculing the ride, in “leet speak” and other modern kids jargon- the only word you can understand is “fuck”. They have their ear buds in, and the music is so loud you can hear it, but not loud enough to make it out- not that’d you’d want to. They are constantly texting back and forth.
Now, isn’t that enough to make you sinners repent?
What are you talking about? That perfectly describes my last trip to [del]Rat[/del] DisneyWorld. You forgot about the family reunion with the matching T-shirts proudly proclaiming “Smith Family Reunion 200_: We Rule the World!”
That song that goes,
Hot Potato Hot Potato
Cold Spaghetti Cold Spaghetti
*
and anything that resembles that at all.
It was playing in a car once with my nieces, and I swear my temperature was literally rising. A wave of “panic” came over me like I had to get out of there NOW. . .like I was about to yell out even though my nieces were singing along, and I think it made me HATE my nieces (momentarily) for liking it even though they were like 3 and 4.
I’d rather go to hell without that song than heaven if I had to hear it occasionally.
My own personal hell would have Bluegrass piped in nonstop. :::shudder::: Every other genre of music, I can tolerate on some level. Bluegrass makes my ears bleed.
You are a sick and demented man, it took me hours to recover from just contemplating what you wrote. You’re new title should be Lucifer’s Consultant. He could learn a few things from you.
Jim {Previous said in jest, please do not take offense}
I consider your comment- taken in context- to be a compliment. 
*“It’s a Small World After All”
*
Well, at least you’re in the eastern part of North Carolina instead of the Appalachians
If I went to hell and this song was on my soundtrack, I’d consider myself lucky. Now that I think about it, if I go up to that fluffy-white-cloud place and I **don’t ** eventually hear “96 Tears,” I’ll know I’m not really in heaven after all. ? and co made a slice of garage greatness with this song.
However, if I die and I start hearing Rush, I’ll know I’m truly in hell…
Styx? Boston? Journey? Rush? Van Halen? Foreigner? Chicago?
Sounds like the playlist for South Park’s version of Hell, where Satan is always throwing a luau. And yes, throw in the Bee Gees and play Old Time Rock and Roll
Music haters…
Anything by the Bee Gees. Shrill shrieking does not good music make.
Anyone else ever wonder if Billy Mays is their bastard love child?
“Your Song” by Elton John
And lots and lots of Bob Seger.
Loving You by Minnie Ripperton.
Last Time I Touched Your Face by Roberta Flack.
Brand New Key by Melanie
Any country song.
Any rap song.
Any disco song.
Anything by any of the so called “pop divas”, Britney Spears etc.
Try listening to their first album from 1967 (entitled 1st). Very much in a classic English, Sgt. Pepper-esque psychedelic-yet-whimsical vein. Totally unlike their 1970s dross–no shrill shrieking to be found therein…
All Enya…all the time
Michael Jackson…post-1984
Panflute and Native American drums played by suburban white folks
Whitney Houston
Conway Twitty…his stuff just makes you want to shower the slime off
And many more already mentioned!
My name is Cheech and I am the school bus driver,
the yellow school bus driver’s who I am. . . .
on and on for eternity. Fuck me.
Brand New Key! I was beaten to the punch!
I despise Chicago. I despise Peter Cetera’s voice. This causes me angst because he looks a lot like my grandfather. But egads, Chicago is piped in, in my hell.
Yes. Please, No! Say No To Yes! Blegh.
Any version of “I will always love you” that isn’t sung by Dolly Parton. (Yes, I mean you, Mr. DJ at my wedding)
Some portion of my mind remembers being a big enough fan of Van Halen in high school to spend endless hours perfecting their logo on all my folders. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why.
Not sure if this applies, but as an avowed atheist, I’ll use the phrase “It’s your hell, you burn in it.” and say that my idea of hell is being trapped in heaven with a buncha fundies. (And really bad, boring, gospel)
How could you insult marching band music by mixing it into the same post as modern pop country. I would forgive it but I’m not ready to make nice, I’m not ready to back down. I’m mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round…
:eek: :smack:
It just slipped out I swear.
<Incensed (who just returned from a Bobby McFerrin-less day at the beach)springs from chair, strangles Ellef for mentioning this song.>
Also “*Centerfield * (Put me in coach…)” by John Fogerty. As a baseball purist, that song makes me want to visit unspeakable injuries (with aluminum bats) upon the grinning idiots who think its clever to play it at a baseball game. Its not even baseball song; it’s a whining, ersatz, narcissistic ode to guilt trips and pitiable pleas, mixed with some half-assed allusions and contrived, amateurish attempts at poetry. Just thinking about it makes me want to pit JF for leaving CCR.
‘I can be centerfield’? JF, WTF. What planet are you from?
Oh. My. God. It’s back! You put it back in my heaaad! Aghhhh! I think the culprits might be the Wiggles, but I’m trying not to think about it too hard, or their entire, uh, discography will be going through my head. Good call-- this is definitely hell’s finest music.
How about Banana Phone by Raffi?
“Ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring-ring!
Bananaphone!
Ding dong ding dong ding!
Donanaphone!”
Since I am a mom of a teenager, I feel compelled to add My Chemical Romance to the list. They’d be on the playlist in my hell, especially The Black Parade and Cancer. My son plays Cancer around me just to annoy me.
Country music has a lot of good torture and eternal torment songs…*Stand by Your Man, Boot Scoot Boogie, Achy Breaky Heart, Here’s a Quarter Call Someone Who Cares–*the list goes on and on…
I like some Guns and Roses very much, but some of their music would make the hellish cut. I loathe Welcome to the Jungle.
Has anyone mentioned Havin’ my Baby by Paul Anka yet? Or Run, Joey Run?