Tonight you decided to have a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner. While spreading butter on the bread you accidentally dropped some on the floor and when you turned to put your sandwich in the frying pan you slipped in the butter and fell, hitting your head on the counter on the way down. While you were lying on the tile with little birdies circling around your head you had a vision.
In your vision someone (angel, fairy, giant rabbit in a bow-tie, whatever works for you) appeared to you and explained that you have a very important purpose in life that can only be achieved if you become mayor of your city. What you will actually do as mayor that is so important was left to your imagination but the messenger was very clear that you must become mayor to accomplish whatever it is that needs to be done to meet your destiny and you must be elected in no more than 5 years.
Once you’ve come to and taken a few moments to make sure you don’t have a concussion or any other bodily damage you think to yourself that even if the vision didn’t actually mean anything that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to be mayor. After discussing it with your family you decide you’re going to give it a shot and run for mayor in four and a half years. Now you just have to figure out how the hell to get from where you are now to a place in life where you have a realistic chance of being elected mayor.
What steps do you take to get yourself on that path? Do you have to switch jobs? Lose weight? Sober up your crazy uncle? Clean up your facebook page to hide your weirdo friends and remove as many unflattering pictures of yourself as possible? What will it take to get you from the life you live today to having your picture hanging in city hall in 5 years?
Couldn’t do it. I’m no Maid of Orleans. If I get a chance, I’ll tell the entity “No,” and let it know I mean it. “You got the wrong dude, Jacko. I’m no more going to be the next Mayor of San Diego than I’m gonna win the next Pulitzer, or star in the next Indiana Jones movie.”
Afterward, I’d tell all my friends and family. I do this anyway, with my weird dreams and occasional hypnogogic hallucinations. (“There was a ninja, right up on top of my bookcase!”)
Any entity that depends on me to achieve its goals is going to be sadly disappointed. A supernatural being would be better off manifesting to a significant portion of my town’s voting populartion to instruct them to vote for me than to expect me to become electable.
Switch from the public defender’s office to the prosecutor’s office (cold day in hell). Start glad handing with the local politicians, by actually going to the Moose every Thursday for lunch with my husband. Start working with the County Board, and attend council meetings.
Come to think of it… it wouldn’t be terribly hard to do. I don’t even think I would have to pretend to be a Republican. It would certainly make my parents and in-laws happy.
Just order a box of business cards with “Community Organizer” on them. (How is anyone ever really going to know what actual work that is anyway) Call up the local paer and give them an exclusive.
Wow, for you it seems like it would be a few small changes and you could just waltz your way into the mayor’s office!
I’m surprised at how many people would just flat out not even consider the possibility, though I suppose trying to become mayor of San Diego or Chicago would be a much more difficult feat than becoming mayor of Sheboygan.
For me, I’d have to start going to the gym a few times a week and get in better shape. I’d also have to find some sort of Unitarian church or something similar to start attending since being a regular church-goer is pretty important to a large subset of voters. I’m not a christian but a Unitarian church would meet that requirement without being all Jesusy about it. I would need to start attending city council meetings and try to find a way to get elected to some council position and I’d need to find another group to join, whether that was the PTA at my child’s school or a volunteer organization of some kind. Basically I would need to interact with the largest possible number of people so that when it came time to cast their vote I could have as many people as possible who could say, “Oh yeah, I know her, she goes to my church/volunteers with me/is on the PTA/etc.”
And I guess I should probably also call every single family member I have and tell them not to say a word to the press or anyone else who calls for any reason. I just know my crazy cousin would go off on some stupid rant about the evils of government and babble on about how we should all live in bunkers and await the end times or some crazy bullshit and then I’d end up not being elected because my cousin is insane.
I’m afraid as soon as the vision was over I’d have to call my psychiatrist, eat a massive crow sandwich, and accept the lithium prescription he’s been offering for the last 3 or 4 years. The drive to seek absolute authority over others is a hallmark of my disorder–when it’s getting support from hallucinations I’ve got some real shit brewing in my noggin. But I’m fighting the hypothetical.
I’d be a totally take-me-as-I-am candidate. I’ve got an awful memory so lying is right out; and I’ve got limited social skills so schmoozing is right out. I suppose I’d be the candidate who just starts getting public, speaking his mind, calling incumbent out on his bullshit without any consideration of repurcussions.
