Let’s say that, in whatever municipality you happen to call home, there is a particularly contentious election for mayor going on. None of the dozen declared candidates has anything close to the support necesary to win the election without a run-off. But, a week before the election, you happen to get interviewed by a television news whore for a person-in-the-street piece, and you’re so amazingly erudite, witty, knowledgeable, and charming that a groundswell of support arises around you, and you’re swept into office as a write-in.
That’s, er, interesting. Only thing is, the question wasn’t “How would you go about being elected mayor of your city?” It was “What would you doonce elected mayor?”
Oh, how terribly, terribly careless of me! Apologies all over the place.
What would I do once elected? Why, in the finest tradition of politicians, I’d do as little as possible. I’d cash my $250 check every month and use the money to increase my personal supply of whiskey and cigarettes.
Figure out where all the tax revenue we should have (from the stores and malls along US 1) is going and stop the non-essentials, then kick the businesses not kicking in their shares to ante up.
Then I’d see that the Essex St. fire station stayed open, build a new one on the other side of US 1, rebuild the schools, and pay the teachers a decent salary.
Most certainly! Having a Doperette as Vice-Mayor would be cool beyond reckoning. Imagine: A vice-mayor one could actually share vices with.
This mayor idea is sounding better and better.
It’s kind of amusing how these kinds of threads always immediately morph from, “If you were mayor of your town” into “If you were the omnipotent dictator of your town.” Where are these cities where the Mayor can unilaterally restructure police forces, undertake major public works, rewrite tax codes and overhaul the budget?
[ol]
[li]Liquor licenses will be handed out like candy at a parade[/li][li]“Blue Laws” to be replaced with “Black Laws” that penalize anyone not selling beer by at least 8:00am on Sundays[/li][li]5% Food and Beverage Tax to be paid directly to the office of the mayor[/li][li]Anyone with a stone goose or deer made from grapevine in their yards will be fined $100,000.00 per incident[/li][li]Town name changed to “Xyzzy”[/li][li]Huge gold Cecil Adams statue to be built in center of town, regardless if something else is already there[/li][li]Run Walmart out of town[/li][/ol]
I’d seek the mandate from voters who’ve searched their souls and acknowledged the disparity between our desire as a comfy middle class for handy bank branches, restaurants, grocery stores, etc. and how we’ve zoned-restricted affordable home-ownership away from for the people who work in these places.
My only problem, of course, is that the mandate is more of the “fuck 'em - let them live in apartments in the next county and take the bus” nature.
First thing I’d do is to get a long coat with the letters “May.” on the back of it.
In reality, I’d hold the authorities more accountable (I’m talkin’ to you, city council and police), introduce tax credits for solar power, work on upgrading and making current the city’s internet service, buy the power lines, drum up regional support for mass transit, see if I can’t figure a way to improve the quality of education by using extra funds gleaned from upgrading and implementation of citywide internet service, and nail LOTS of strippers.
::Throws hat in ring for a cabinet position, dammit!::
(Though a similar position in Cluricaun-ville would prove acceptable.)
Humble apologies to Skald the Rhymer. But, hey, **John Carter of Mars ** started it!
