One Day I Will Be King, And I Will Rule With An Iron Fist!!!!

The BBQ Pit
1

I’m getting cranky as I get older, it seems, but ya know I’m beginning to think that the only way the world’s going to get any better is if a tyrant takes control and makes with the executions. Not the ordinary whack-job kind of tyrant who kills people because they don’t subscribe to his particular brand of religion or their skin is the wrong shade of blue, but a tyrant who kills people because they need killing. And I’m have tempted to become that tyrant, some days. Allow me to provide some examples:

1.) The Tennessee State Highway Department. IANAE, but I understand the concept of drainage and road building better than you guys. Apparently, all you know how to do is erect concrete walls of death, pay people to stand around, and close roads for no explicable reason. (Let’s not forget that you thought it’d be a good idea to paint the manhole covers white for quick spotting in a snow emergency.) You seem to think that 1-2 years construction time per mile of road, no matter how wide the road is, is perfectly acceptable. It ain’t! I won’t order your wholesale slaughter, however. I’ll have selected members shot, if the general performance doesn’t improve, then I’ll have the lot of you wiped out.

2.) Confederate Flag Wavers. Don’t hand me this, “It’s my heritage! I’m not a bigot, honest!” bullshit. I’m part German, does that mean it’s okay for me to slap a Nazi flag on my car and claim the same? I think not. You’re a bigot? Here’s your bullet. Single round to the back of the head at high speed.

3.) Flatearthers/Apollo Hoax Believers. You guys don’t get shot immediately, no, no, no. First, you’re going to be sent to the Moon, and then you’re going build shrines at all the Apollo landing sites. OSHA rules won’t apply, so I’m sure some of you’ll probably get killed in the process, no biggie. When the shrines are finished, then I’ll have you killed.

4.) People Who’re Proud to be Ignorant. This one hits kind of close to home, as it’ll mean one of my SILs and my step-mother get killed, but I think that’ll be out-weighed by the positive PR I’ll get by showing that no one who ever says anything like, “I’m glad I’m not smart.” gets to live. I imagine college enrollment will shoot up dramatically.

5.) Pointy-Haired Bosses. You all know the type. Here’s your chance to exact revenge upon them.

6.) Fundamentalists of All Religions. By “fundamentalists” I mean those folks who think that you need to believe in their particular god or die. Phelps, your days are numbered.

7.) Anyone who’s ever worked for Muzak. Just on general principles.

I’m sure I’ll think of more later, but mark my words, the moment I come to power, I’m gonna start this! (And you thought that I was just joking with my sig!)

2

I am right with you! I have got BIG PLANS for when I become Emperor of Florida! Part of my plans involve secession from the U.S., and I know that most of the U.S. will not be sorry to see us go, so it’ll be like one of those breakups where you both act a little sad for form’s sake, but you’re actually pretty glad to be rid of each other.

I also plan on banning air-conditioning (if you don’t like heat, you don’t like Florida, so go back where you came from, Yankee); forcing anyone with no pre-Disney Florida roots to go the hell home and pass an exam before returning; demolishing all structures within a mile of the coast (with certain exceptions enumerated elsewhere); and establishing two Tourism Zones, one on the Atlantic and one on the Gulf. These Zones will be ten miles deep and fifty miles long along the coasts, accessible only by air or boat. And they will be HEAVILY taxed.

I of course will rule with an iron fist from the governor’s mansion, and also the subordinate governor’s mansion I’ll build in Islamorada (no, neither will be air-conditioned). I’ve already appointed a minister of defense, poet laureate, and Town Drunk–or rather State Drunk (my uncle has expressed interest). Any Dopers who want a sinecure post are invited to apply now, before the rush.

Whew! Looks like my bitter native Floridian tendencies started showing there. (My family have been in Florida for five or six generations. I HATE what Disney has done to my home state.)

3

Your reign will be short and full of pain and misery.

Vive’ la Resistance!

4

Why should you be King?

I’m better qualified!

I’ve got:
[ul]
[li]A Tin Ear.[/li][li]Nerves of Steel.[/li][li]Solid Brass B@lls.[/li][li]A Golden Tongue.[/li][li]Quicksilver Wit.[/li][li]A Silver Spoon in my Mouth. (Had it since I was a little kid.)[/li]And…
[li]A Platinum Visa.[/li][/ul]

So there! :stuck_out_tongue:

5

I’d apply, jackelope, but I don’t like heat. May I be your emmissary to Canada? I could move back to Ottawa and menace the Yugoslavian embassy!

/long pointless story/
The small liberal arts college I went to was in Ottawa, in the middle of the embassy area. It’s directly across from the Yugoslavian embassy, and beside the Russian ambassador’s house.

The Yugoslavian ambassador pays some guy to do general lawn-work and stuff. That's no problem- very normal. But during the fall, this guy *doesn't have a rake!* He has a broom and his hands! He picks up leaves off the lawn *with his bare hands* and deposits them in a pile.

We used to spend between-class time monitoring his progress, and wondering whether he’d get a shovel, come winter, or whether he was expected to pick up the individual snowflakes, too. I suspect he was paid by the hour.

One of the students tried to form an army to declare war on them. I’m trying to get this year’s class to build a snow tower on the college’s front lawn, and equip it with a long-range snow cannon. /end long pointless story/

6

Note to self again! Kill Brutus first. Definite trouble maker!

8.) People who try to claim a movie’s good simply because there’s a sexy actor in it! If you just want to look at a hot chick/stud in a movie, then go rent a fuckin’ porno! Don’t try to pass off a piece of shit film as “good” simply because you want to bone one of the stars!

7

People who have more than 2 bumper stickers on their car.

8

Executive Order #1

By the authority invested in me, I hearby declare that the following be remanded into the custody of my state police and whupped to within an inch of their lives:

  1. Ignorant folks
  2. Folks who can’t seem to follow instructions. [VERY BIG SIGH]
  3. Folks who delight in getting on my nerves.
  4. Folks who’ve managed to get on my last nerve.
  5. All the psychos who won’t leave me alone. Well, on second thought, perhaps I should make an exception and let my firing squad practice on them.
  6. Did I say ignorant folks?
    celestina
    Queen of England
9

Tucker, can I be the Minister of Instant Justice on the road? Cut someone off, dead. Drive recklessly, dead. Talk on cell phone while driving, dead. Run stale yellow/red lights, dead. Follow too closely, dead. Drive exactly the speed limit in the lefthand lane with no one in front of you, dead. Drive too fast for road conditions, dead. I would also be willing to put in extra time for mandatory education classes regarding SUVs and minivans, and why everyone with a child car seat doesn’t need one.

10

Hell, as long as y’all show Mystery Science Theater 24-7 in your re-education camps, I don’t care who’s in charge! :wink:

11

You forgot one: Motherfuckers who won’t get out of the way of emergency vehicles! Saw three truckers tonight who could have used some white hot justice applied to their asses!

12

I figure that very large, very public summary executions are neccessary for my government. You deal drugs? First we cut off your hands to symbolize that you don’t work for our society, then we kill you and flay you. It’s a family event. I am the ultimate judge of what is right and wrong. How can I tell? I just can, dammit. You don’t want to lose any parts of your body, do you?

13

What drugs? Does that include marijuana?

14

Damn right you can, since no one else asked me first. You will of course be provided with a healthy income to maintain both the Emissary to Canada’s Residence and the Visiting Floridian Emperor’s Party Pad.

I apologize, folks, for the hijack. Please continue.

Rock on, Tuckerfan.

15

Oh, pretty please. It would mean losing my in-laws, but what the heck.
My FIL’s favorite line: “College is for idiots. Only a sucker would pay all that money for somethin’ stupid like school.”
:rolleyes:
And featherlou, our new Minister of Instant Justice on the Road, you forgot one: People who don’t use their turn signals! And people who don’t turn on their left turn signal till after the light turns green.
Instant Death to them! Please! I beg you!

16

Ooh, I ran into (no pun intended :D) a couple more candidates for Instant Justice today - people speeding around in parking lots, and people who just can’t seem to grasp the incredibly hard concept of parking your car EVENLY BETWEEN THE CLEARLY MARKED LINES!!!

Oh yes, BiblioCat, non-turn signal users would definitely be on the list.

red_dragon, can we include tobacco companies in the list of drug dealers that need to be next up against the wall?

17

I want to include people who build aprtment buildings, and then don’t install elevators big enough to take, oh, say… beds, up in them.

Also, most of the fashion industry, for honestly believing 8 ft 100lb women are the epitome of beauty, and making shopping impossible. One of the rationalisations I heard (on tv, from a designer) was that if they use really thin women, the shape of the body doesn’t interfere with the clothes! If you want to design clothes, there’s one simple, little thing you’re going to have to resign yourself to- clothes are worn by people.

Aargh.

18

How about stores that stock sizes Extra small, small, super small, medium in abundence, but those of us above, say, “Large” get stuck with leftover crap.

19

Someone please bring me the head of the idiot that decided theater popcorn sizes needed to follow this convention:
Medium - Large - Extra Large

I know I’m being petty and a literalist, but how fucking difficult is it to call the smallest size that you sell “Small”, the largest one "Large, and the one in the middle, which is, by definition “Medium”?

The smallest size container you’ve got can not be medium, assholes. Just put up a sign (right next the the sample bags which are already hanging over the counter, so we’re completely convinced) that says, “Our Small Popcorn is still pretty fucking BIG!” We get it, okay?

[sub]Schmucks[/sub]

20

Because that would just make too much fucking sense.

Kinda like Starbucks and their Grande, Tall and Extra Tall. What the hell is the difference between “Grande” and “Tall”? It’s too early to try and figure that out. Just call it Small, Medium and Large, okay? I haven’t had my caffeine yet. That’s why I’m here.