So you've conquered the Earth. What next?

So let’s say your armies of zombie ninjas, squadrons of flying robot sharks, and 666 satellite-mounted 1920s-style death rays have been been victorious. All legitimate terrestrial governments have fallen. You’ve got George Bush, Tony Blair, and Vladmiir Putin’s head stuffed and hanging on your mantle. The United Nations has just acclaimed you God-King."

What do you do next?

I’ll start things off with my top five:

  1. Hold a press conference announcing that I’m raising taxes by, oh, 50%. This would include a new levee of, let’s say, $50 per jar on pickles, along with a requirement that each household buy no fewer than five jars of pickles a week. 'll have spared Condoleeza Rice’s life and made her my press secretary; when the assembled reporters protest the unjust tax, she’d have been instructed to shrug and say, “The God-King feels anyone who wishes to protest is free to raise his own army of undead ninjas and start a rebellion. Not you, though, 'cause he’s gonna have everybody who protested just now executed.”

  2. Start amassing my harem of 10000 concubines. Because there’s no point in being God-King if you ain’t got a harem

  3. Wholly separate from the harem, choose seven women to by my wives so that I can father legitimate heirs. That way there canbe a nice civil war once I’m dead.

  4. I never put a number four in my lists and I’m not sure why you’re bothering to read this. Please move on.

  5. Outlaw chocolate for everyone not a member of the royal household, except for Christmas Day, when everyone will get chocolate at imperial expense just so they know what they’re missing the rest of the year. Once a month, a randomly chosen concubine would got to a randomly chosen town and eat half a Hershey bar in front of the villagers, then feed the rest of it to a randomly chosen cat. When the townsfolkprotest, she’d be instructed to shrug and say, “What can I see? He’s a great big jerk, the God-King is.”

Obviously I’d be an evil emperor. :wink:


My antasy is that when the Evil Conqueror of the World finally gets to the underground control vaul with al the bullion and all the nuclear triggers, he finds someone else already there.
“Thank God you’ve come! I’ve wanted to turn this job ver for years! I put George Bush in the White House and Vladmir Putin in charge of Russia. Didn’t that tip you off that somebody else was running things? I need a drink.”

  1. Dissolve all state legislatures. New legislatures will be organized without pay. Anyone excepting bribes will be placed in the hold of an oil tanker and deported to Greenland.

  2. Immediate de-regulation of alcohol sales worldwide. Anyone protesting the action will be deported to Greenland.

  3. Prohibit driving below the speed limit in the fast lane. Anyone found driving slow in the fast lane will be immediately arrested and held until they can recite the Unabomber’s manifesto from memory.

  4. Repeal of all laws restricting gambling. Anyone protesting the move or attempts to blocks access to a casino is punishable by immediate deportation to Greenland.

  5. Kim Jong Il will be re-assigned to cleaning gas station restrooms.

  6. Order that all hamburgers must be served plain. Condiments/toppings must be specifically requested. As a corollary, mustard will be outlawed, and pickles may not be placed on the same plate as any other food.

  7. Blue Raspberry Slurpees will be outlawed. Raspberries are red and all food indicating such a flavor should be red as well.

  8. Imposition of a salary cap in Major League Baseball. Players who strike in response…Greenland.

  9. Kathy Griffin will be banned from television and movies.

  10. Use funds seized from Greenland deportees to investigate why dry cleaners always lose the buttons on my dress shirts.

I shall be called Benevolent Dictator E-Diddy I, the People’s Dictator.

At last, my hour to shine…

  1. Practical things, like finding a secure place to sleep (like a nice little apartment in Mt. Weather), and setting up a “Dead Hand” doomsday system to discourage assassination attempts. (Y’know, so if anything happens to me, everything on the Earth’s surface dies. Hopefully, I won’t slip in the shower and break my neck.)

  2. Executions. I’d try to keep it under a million, but…I can’t promise anything.

  3. Legalize gay marriage in the western world, and select parts of the eastern world.

  4. Celebrate the last one by renaming the USS Wisconsin the UES Richard M Nixon and docking it at San Francisco’s Fisherman’s Wharf as a museum ship. (By “docking” I mean “ram through as many docks before coming to a stop nearly paralel with the shoreline, and aiming the main guns straight at downtown. At which point it will playfully fire a broadside of probably blanks.”)

  5. Commission Peter Jackson and Quentin Tarantino to produce the most gory, violent, sexually explicit film ever imagined. Minimum length: three hours. When it’s finished, every U.S. network will be required to run this film, during primetime, at least once a week for three months. This will coincide with my lifting of all censorship laws not dealing with matters of national security.

  6. Yes, there will be free speech. Even outright criticisms or accusations towards me—which I will usually respond with either “Well duh” or a bellowed “You think [blank]? I’ll show you what true [blank] really means!” followed by, y’know, unspeakable acts of wrath.

  7. Start a “new deal” of improving civilization’s ills by the use of progressive social programs, and punitive neurosurgery. (And executions. And the occasional Nuclear Urban Renewal. And subsidized sterilizations.)

  8. Try and look up that girl I knew a couple of years ago. Gosh, she was nice. I mean, we were only friends, but seeing as I’m now God-Emperor of the Planet and all, I dunno…maybe dinner, and a show?


A worldwide minimum wage of $15US per hour. Extend the Swedish welfare/social programs to the whole world. Try to offshore NOW, suckers!

Construction of subsidized affordable housing with electricity, indoor plumbing, and central air conditioning.

Legalization of prostitution and drugs.

Expansion of public transit so nobody (except in Siberia and the Arctic) will live farther than half a mile from a bus stop or subway station. And no more NIMBYs, decades of hearings, environmental impact statements &c. Just BUILD the frigging thing!

Equality for gays and women everywhere; genital mutilation forbidden.

Sex education materials and all forms of contraception to be freely available everywhere.

Start funding programs to develop space travel, make space colonization a reality.

Find some way to control weather – so hurricanes either can be prevented from developing or can be made to curve harmlessly over the open ocean.

Execution, execution, execution, execution…tough guy.

Yup, I’d have lots of people executed. Probably half the population of the world, if not more.

1000 men is a bit high. Let’s make it 365, one for each day (and night ) of the year. Some of them would be Dopers. :stuck_out_tongue:
And a few women in my harem, too, but only really attractive redheads. :slight_smile:

Channel millions of dollars into research for AIDs, cancer, and other disease cures. Make the US not be the 28th in prematurity & birth defects. Etc. In other words, eradicate disease.

Dictate a 20 hour work week, and the rest is to be spent in further studies - whatever you want - and leisure. Anybody who can’t handle this and opte to cause trouble? Execution?

Strand a certain co-worker on a deserted island with nothing but porn and sheep.

He’ll have to give in sometime…

That’ll be worse on the economy than my $50/jar pickle tax.

I’m not certain you know how this “evil god-king” works. Yes, I realize that I didn’t specify “evil” in my OP, but look at the title of the thread. I think “conqueror of the world” necessarily equals “jerk.”

But you’ve got some good ideas there ('cept for your $15/hour minimum wage, which would only be inflationary.) I’ll either give you a job in my administration once I am EGK or have you executed as a rival…it’ll be a coin toss.

The problem with that, Hal, is that he’s likely to EAT the sheep before he’s desperate enow to f*** it. You really have to give your evil plans more thought.

I’d start by taking out the trash: Kim Jong-Il, the colonels running Burma, Mugabe, Osama, Bush, the Saudi royals, Zarkawe and the Serbs who engineered the ethnic cleansing business. Plus certain Afghan worlords. Don’t like it? Talk to my army of undead super robot ninjas.

Reminds me. Laissez faire economists DEFINITELY gonna be visited by undead super robot ninjas. Ohhhh, yeah.

Heute de welt, morgens das Sonnensystem!

I would initially rule out of the desire to do good. But… the ultimate power of ruling the earth would become too terrible to imagine, and I’d become evil.

I’m OK with that.

I’d conquer the world, but I’m afraid my wife would make me give it back.
But as long as I am fantasizing…

I have a list. A loooong list. The streets would run red for a few days, while I “adjusted” the population a bit. Starting with people like E-Diddy, who don’t like mustard. Then moving on to **Hal’**s work-mate, because as good as the joke was, it’s still an attack on a Doper I like.

Then I’d probably take a nap.

I don’t know about that - you ever try slaughtering your own sheep with nothing but magazines (since no TV was specified, I assume that’s the medium of choice for Hals plan).

I suspect the eating will come later…which makes the plan that much more evil :smiley:

As for my own:

  1. Snipers will be called out to all traffic accidents. Rubberneckers will be shot on sight.

  2. As will people who try to crowd into a conveyence before letting the departing passengers out (trains, elevators, whatever).

  3. Stupidity will be a capital offense. Executions will be public and ironic.

  4. There will be a Board of Ironic Executions, elected by the general public. those should be fun campaigns.

  5. People found guilty of being an Impolite Customer will be forced to disrobe and roll across a room filled with porcupines.

I will reinstitute the concept of “the King’s English”, only it’ll be “the Grand Emperor God-King of Earth’s English”.

That way grammar and spelling rules are easy: However I do it, is correct.

That way we’ll finally be able to do away with threads like this one.

Can you hijack your own thread?

Let’s say I own a weeblewocker plant in a small plant in Central Bucksnort. Weeblewockers are a nice little commodity but a long way from essential; nevertheless I make a good living wholesaling them. My ten workers, none of whom have college degrees and have not been able to find a better job in Central Bucksnort, nor afford to move away, are paid an average of $7.5/hour. They can produce an average of 10 wws an hour. So in an eight hour day, my labor costs are $750 and the plant produces 800 wws. That’s 94 cents per ww. Throw in a dollar per unit for material and overhead, each ww costs me $1.94 to make. That’s fine by me, since I sell them for $2.50 a pop. Of course some get spoiled and some get returned, and I have to pay taxes and insurance and so forth, so my margins aren’t as great as that looks.

But after the world conquest I have to pay my workers $15 an hour. My labor costs have doubled. Now I’m spending $1500 a day in labor, but my workers, all of ‘em hard workers doing their very best as it is, still only produce 800 a day. $2.88 per weeblewocker (including the $1 for material and overhead). Wups! That’s almost 40 cents more ahead than I’m selling them for! Hope I saved some money while the margins were better, or the plant closes next Tuesday. I raise the prices to better my margins. But nobody HAS to have weeblewockers. They’re just silly little kids’ toys. Even a nickle increase makes sales drop, which means I have to raise prices to make up the gap (yeah, that’ll work), or fire some of the workers and make the rest work harder for the same money to make up the gap. Incrase prices by a dime, and nobody buys wws anymore.

Now it’s Christmas, and the plant’s closed. Not a good holiday for the poor weeblewocker workers. Nothing under the tree for them or their kids. Not much in the pantry, either.

Of course, the combination of my $50/jar pickle tax and 3-pickle-jar-per-capital minimum pickle mandatory pickle consumption would be likewise destructive. But I was being evil on purpose.

Now, to unhijack the thread: Joss Whedon and Aaron Sorkin are both allowed to make as many tv shows as they want, however they want. alyson hannigan can star in whatever she wants. And everyone associated with Star Trek: Voyager’s last four seasons is fed to a colony of ravenous caterpillers.


If it’s a completely desert island, Hal’s coworker is going to die of thirst or exposure long before his horniness overrules his squeamishness.

If it’s not completely desert, he’ll break off a tree branch and make a club.


What you want to do is give the co-worker of HERD of sheep. that way he can live long enough to imitate Pasiphae.


Go to Disney World!