If you could make the laws...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

If you could make the laws, what laws would you make and enforce?

Here’s a few of mine:

[li]anyone with “mullet” haircuts, will be arrested and sentenced to ten years (first offense) of having their head shaved completely bald.[/li]
[li]no parking along the curbsides of any street[/li]
[li]every store MUST have a cashier at EVERY checkout lane during business hours.[/li]
[li]if your order at a restaurant does not look as visually delectable as the menu or advertisements depict, your meal is free.[/li]
I know there are more, but these will do for now.

2

It’s time like these that I’m glad that you don’t make the laws. :slight_smile:

(Now, you get to guess why I’m glad…)

3

mullet head? :wink:

4

Uh, no. Thank the gods, all of them, in harmony. :slight_smile:

5

-Public idiocy is now a felony, punishable by a fine of no less than $5,000 and/or 18 months in jail, depending upon the idiocy.

-Teens who wear baggy pants down to their knees and go around acting cool as shit while tossing away their education will be forced into military school, where they’ll have some use.

-Public displays of racism will be outlawed. (Canada has this law I’ve heard, but the U.S. doesn’t… Go Canada!)

-People must take mandatory I.Q. tests before purchasing complex equipment, such as a car, computer, or air conditioner. If they fail the test for the computer or A/C, they can still buy it, but they are not allowed to bother the people at tech support.

-The Straight Dope will be punished on page 2 of all newspapers under penalty of death.

-The Media will be put on a brief trial, after which it will be taken outside behind the building by the dumpster and shot in the head.

-Anyone caught parking in the Handicapped Spot while not Handicapped will be summarily executed without trial.

-Any American who makes stupid ‘Canada Sucks’ jokes without any backing or without knowing a single providence of Canada(And ‘Trebek’ does not count) will be tossed into a pile of burning maple leaves.

6

Ummm that would be provinces of Canada, Lenin. :wink:

Keith

7

Posters who do not proofread their posts will be banned.

Posters who misuse the apostrophe will be shot.

8

Tech support staff will be required to speak clearly and understandably in at least one language (not including languages spoken by fewer than 1000 people or languages created solely for a movie or television show) and will be required to have at least as much cognitive skill as the average hamster.

9

Lenin: I agree with all your laws except one. Change this one, and I’ll support you for dictator!

How 'bout:

People who don’t realize that free speech (in the USA, at least) even includes speech they don’t like (racism/hate-speech/flag burning/etc) will be required to read either Ayn Rand or Noam Whasshisname until their heads explode.

Fenris

10

People who call you and put you on hold BEFORE identifying themselves will receive no less than a 100,000 volt shock through the receiver.

11

<Groucho voice>
I was once shocked in my reciever. They had the dickens of a time getting the wire up there!
</Groucho voice>

Fenris

12

  • Anything the dentist does to you, you can do to the dentist.

  • the normal rules concerning murder, taking of life etc. do not apply to people whose job is to serve the public, and who elevate ‘ignoring the entire world’ into an art form.

  • abstract crap and junk may no longer be sold and talked about as if it is ‘art’.

  • an immediate 10 year moratorium on the formation of new boy bands or girl bands or similar detritus.

  • movie studios may no longer make movies in which a dozen bad guys blast away with hi-power assault machine guns, and the hero survives by running slightly quickly and ducking a little now and again.

  • anyone sending a SPAM email is immediately vaporised.

  • any politician being interviewed on Tv must be wired up to a lie detector and a hi-voltage circuit. Any fibs, and 10,000 volts marks the occasion.

13

Fen; I support Free Speech, but I have often felt that the KKK should not have the right to hold a rally on the street outside a church.

But whatever.

14

That’s cool. We can disagree. I still support your other positions and I may still support you for dictator if I can help put the Media up against the wall. Pleeeeeeeease?

:wink:

15

Anyone wishing to become a parent must pass a battery of practical tests, be interviewed by a panel, and meet the following requirements:

  1. Produce paycheck stubs indicating you have held down a job for, say, a minimum of a year.

  2. Have a high school diploma.

  3. Get at least six family members or close friends to sign a piece of paper saying Joe Schmoe will make a good parent, and I will help him/her when he/she is overwhelmed.

  4. Wear an empathy belly for a month.

  5. Spend a forty-hour week working in a day care for very young children.
    On a lighter note, in all cars a device will be installed that prevents cars from turning if the turn signal has not been engaged; it also automatically turns a car in the direction of the turn signal that has been blinking.

16

And some more…

-If people want Free Speech throughout the land, then maybe all of the news media shouldn’t be controlled by a few select conglomerates.

-There will be a week in the middle of November entitled “It’s too fucking cold” week in the appropriate areas, in which heat bills will be ignored and no one has to dig their damn car out of a pile of snow.

-All elected officials must be able to play a successful game of either a) SimCity 2000 or b) Civilization(I, II, or III)

-All AOL Trial CDs will be collected from throughout the world, melted down, and then made into useful plastics.

-MTV will be forced to make up its mind as to whether it will be a station for cynical Gen-X morons who get all their news from The Daily Show or The Next Station for American Patriotism.

-Pennies will be kept in circulation, but anyone who tries to purchase $20 worth of cigarettes with a Zip-Loc bag full of pennies will be exiled to Iran.

-Conversely, people who pay for a $1 Candy Bar with a $50/$100 dollar bill allow themselves to be beaten by strange people wielding pipes.

-People who use ‘u’ for ‘you,’ ‘r’ for ‘are,’ or ‘b’ for ‘be’ in a formal documentation, or in some sort of area where a minimal intelligence is expected will be shot.

-Everyone will be allowed to have a gun for free along with a round of blanks. Real ammunition will cost $1,000 per bullet.

-In movies, the black guy shall no longer die first.

-People will be asked to learn the difference between Lenin and Stalin, along with the difference between Lenin and Adolf Hitler.

-Mr. T will serve as ambassador to any country that feeds the U.S. Jibba-Jabba.

-In addition, Mr. T will pity the fool who commits acts of terrorism.

-Given that the media always wants to find the defendant guilty, reporters will be arrested if they try to enter a courtroom. There will be exceptions if the reporter is a witness or juryperson.

-Feminazis will be laughed at.

-In addition, people will be asked to learn the difference between feminazis and feminists.

-In addition to the addition, people will be asked to not listen to Rush Limbaugh or trust everything they see on T.V. as a reliable source of information about the beliefs of feminists.

-People who ask “Ralph Nader? Who’s that?” will be beaten over the head with a tree, then used to feed some endangered species.

-Before dismissing Pat Buchanan as a fanatic neo-nazi, people shall be asked to glimpse at his speeches and beliefs. They may then freely dismiss him as a fanatic neo-nazi.

-L

17

“Anyone wishing to become a parent”

the key word there is wishing, change that law to anyone stupid enough to get/get someone pregnant or some such nonsense.

all intersections shall have at the minimum one left turn lane, one right turn lane, and one through lane.

all intersections will have lights programed in a way that MAKES SOME KIND OF SENSE!

anyone disregarding simple common driveing procedures will have their license revoked and then be shot in the head, twice, with a 50. cal something or other.

blatent stupidity will be punishable by death.

anyone sent to prison for life will be shot until dead. I mean really who wants to pay for this shit?

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS SHALL BE REVOKED! if it is found to be a good idea all clocks will be reset to one half hour in the appropriate direction instead of all this forward backward bs we go through twice a year FOR OUR ENTIRE LIVES…

18

  • The disposal of junk mail and catalogs will be the responsibility of the sender. You will simply have to place the unwanted junk mail and catalogs in your mail box marked for return and the postal carrier will retrieve it and return to the sender.

  • Any person parking in a disabled parking spot who is not disabled will be provided with a qualifying disability.

  • Any person parking in the fire lane next to the door of a store “because Ethel just ran in to pick up one thing” will be provided with a qualifying fire.

  • Any person in a parking lot who “pulls thru” an empty parking space in front of them in order to exit, rather than back out, will have their reverse gear disabled.

19

Damn, Fenris, you are one cold-hearted SOB.

:wink:

How about-
Anyone whose cell phone plays those annoying ring tones in the frigging LIBRARY will be forced to watch the sex scene from Space Mutiny.

20

-Size zero is now outlawed. All bulemics wanting to buy clothes should now shop in the petite section where they belong.

-taking advantage of a senior citizen is now punishable by death.

-all doctors must receive the same procedures assigned their patients.

-“please press twenty-eight” type phone systems would be outlawed

-marijuana would be legalized

-The Mayor of NYC upon election should spend the three months waiting to be sworn memorizing the fact that The Bronx, Queens, Brooklyn and Staten Island are part of New York City too.

-Executives receiving more than a 4% raise annually shall be indicted for embezelment (sp?). Furthermore they will have to fill out those annoying performance review forms and be made to prove why they deserve said raise.

-It shall be illegal for restaurant owners to pay their waitstaff $1.90 per hour. (yep, and then they tax that too)

-Anybody (male or female) uttering the words “wow three boys, when are you going to go for the girl?” Will instantly be hauled off for multiple bouts of artificial insemination.

-All mothers shall be required to hie their butts for free to a luxury spa for Mother’s da…uh WEEKEND!