There has to be somebody to deliver the information back to headquarters that the target was destroyed, even if the commandos had nothing to do with it.
I think part of the idea is that the Zeroes keep getting accolades and shirt decor for events that they had no actual hand in, other than having shown up to see and report on the aftermath.
Yes, that’s exactly it.
OK, what the hell, I’ll throw in an entry…
“Artem. Artem!”
Kostatyn nudges his sleeping mate, having heard… he was sure… a Russian voice. They were near the front, their division having moved up just a couple of days before, and dammit, Kostatyn heard Russian voices.
“Artem, you fool! Wake up!”
“Poshol na khuy, you asshole! I was dreaming about the lovely Inna and she…”
“Silence!”
For a wonder, Artem actually shut up. Both men… for only being 19, their two days fighting the Russians have made them men, they were both sure… looked around. And they heard it:
“Nyet”
Looking at each other, Kostatyn gestured…. Keep quiet, you move right, I move left…
Artem nodded, grabbing his gun tighter. Kostatyn crouched to his knees, ready to die for the glory and freedom of Ukraine, Artem wanting to get back to the lovely Inna’s embraces… but not as a disgrace, never – he knew Inna would prefer a dead warrior than a live coward… joined his friend and comrade and brother in arms.
Artem glanced over, Kostatyn caught his eye and started counting down with his upraised fingers… 3… 2…
That’s when the Russian, just 16 feet away, exploded.
“Blyat! Blayt, suka blayt! Poshol na khuy!” both men cursed as they were covered in a fine mist of Muscovite gore, Kostatyn catching more, due to his more exposed position. “Pizdets!”
Sputtering, both men stumbled around for a few moments, wiping their faces and cursing like fighting men do. Artem was the first to compose himself, finally moving towards the Russian’s remains.
“Mat of god… Kostatyn, look at this.”
“What? What is that?”
“It’s a kitchen timer. Or, well, parts of one.”
“How did it get here?”
“I… “ Artem thinks furiously. “I think I’ve seen them used in the construction of bombs.”
“In bad movies, Artem.”
“And this invasion isn’t, Kostatyn?” (Artem had a sly mind.)
“Well, I guess the only thing is… who gets the kill?”
“You were closer. And you did hear him. Let’s celebrate this bastard’s death over vodka. I notice his bottle survived the blast unbroken.”
“Well, those Russians always had their priorities messed up! Putin khulyo!”
“Putin kyulyo, indeed.”
LAUGH TRACK, FADE TO BLACK, ROLL CREDITS
The target: Russia’s AWACS planes. The Zeroes get their hands on a quadcopter and a grenade. They carefully infiltrate the area around the Russian airbase, then in the dead of night carry out their mission.
The grenade barely scratches the paint on the radar dome.
Disheartened, the Zeroes try to come up with a cover story for their higher-ups. As they trudge homeward, they hear the aircraft take off, headed for the battle front. 1000 feet in the air the plane falls to pieces and crashes, a victim of Russian “maintenance.”
The Martini: The camera pans down from the smoke from the explosion to the faces of the Zeroes, as depression turns to elation and they transition from a weary drudge to a proud strut, headed back home covered in glory. Again.
I think it would play better if they do not find out about it until the get back to base. We see them riding back trying to figure out how to get it right next time, the black cloud rising in the distance, behind them.
You’re right…that is a better ending.
It would be better if the drone mission was just a recon, but it blows up because a Belorussian guard freaks out at the sight of the drone, tries to shoot it down with a grenade, misses, and hits the AWACS instead, blowing it up.
As the Belorussian starts freaking out, the unit commander takes pity on him. The commander manages to catch him, and tells him, “Relax, man, I know a place where you’ll be hailed as a hero! Just tell them you’re actually a “partisan”.”
The episode ends with the Belorussian being toasted in a Kyiv bar.
apparently, this episode was already written for us
The Unit is on R&R, taking a well-earned* break, sailing a small yacht in the Black Sea. Reports come over the radio that the Russians have, due to their usual incompetence, accidentally brought down a US spy drone in the Black Sea, and are planning to recover the drone.
The members of the unit all start arguing about how the Russians think they’re going to accomplish this feat in the middle of a war in which their navy is losing against a country that doesn’t even have a navy. After a few hours (and a few drinks), they decide the best idea is to just sail on over there and watch the fireworks.
When they arrive, the Russians are deploying divers in old-timey deep sea diving suits that are clearly rusted and decayed. But, it works well enough, and the Russians start winching up something from below the surface.
But as they winch it up, the poorly-maintained winch begins to smoke, and then actually catches fire. Quickly the whole deck of the ship is engulfed in flame, and it starts to sink. Within minutes, there’s nothing left of the salvage operation but a patch of burning fuel oil on the surface of the water.
The Unit returns to port, where they are greeted with acclaim, and are awarded Naval ranks in recognition of their taking out the Russian ship while at sea.
*Asterisk!
After the Zeroes sail away, there needs to be a stinger. Something needs to come to the surface where the Russians were hauling something up. Like the cut from where Hooper and Quint are comparing scars to the barrel popping up in Jaws.
I was trying to think of something for the divers. We know they’d be crushed by the pressure as soon as their air supply pumps died, but it might be funnier if we ignore that, and we get a shot of two of them watching their burnt-out ship landing on the seafloor next to the drone.
Obelix!
How would the anaerobic and highly acidic bottom of the Black Sea react with old-timey iron diving helmets?
That would be hilarious.
Go full on Wile E. Coyote and have the ship land on top of them, just after they look up.
It would come up under the Zeroes’ vessel, resulting in serious damage and minor injury, so that when they get back to port, it looks like they are wounded heroes returning from a fight.
Or better yet, as they go to examine the wreck, the drone itself pop’s out, buoyed by some balloons the Russians had put under it, and lands on their deck making them both heroes in Ukraine and now, trusted allies of the US!
//i\\
We need a reveal of what the Russian winches were actually hoisting up. Any ideas what it should be?
Remember the Gilligan’s Island episode where the WW2 magnetic mine washed ashore…?
Not that.
Their own anchor?