How dare you? Don’t you ever fucking presume that I’m some how damaging my kids self respect because of my feelings about their mother. In this thread you wrote:
You know what, my ex has done everything in her power to earn that loathing. Want a short list?
My children nearly became wards of the state when their mother was arrested for operating a crackhouse out of our prior home.
My children could have been killed when that same house was shot up by drug dealers.
I’ve had to repeatedly fight with my counties DA Child Support Enforcement Division. Why? Because she’s fraudently received wefare for the boys not once, not twice but three times, resulting in wage garnishments.
I haven’t received a tax refund in four years because it goes to pay child support arrears that I should never have owed in the first place.
Last September, my house caught fire. We lost our home. This was on the local news. Guess when their mother called to find out how were doing. 10 days later. And do you want to know what the kicker was, the very day of the fire, just 5 hours before I was ambushed by a process server. For guess what? Another goddamn order for support.
Despite all of the above, and believe me that list is in no way complete. I actively try to encourage her to see her own children. She makes promise after fucking promise, and breaks their hearts on a near weekly basis, and I get to watch it live. Just two weeks ago they pooled their allowances and brought her flowers from the shop down the street. They made cards for her. She told them a fews days before that they would be spendig the weeknd with her. She was a complete no show, she didn’t even call, and didn’t answer her cell phone when my 12 year old cakked her repeatedly while holding back tears.
Yet, I’ve never said one ill word against her in from of them. I know it’s important for them to have a relationship with her. So my usual outlet for the anger is this fucking forum. Try a search in this forum, for more stories. But don’t you ever accuse me of harminig my kids.
Um…I’m not getting involved with this argument in any way. I just wanted to say my heart goes out to your kids. Best wishes and at least they have one parent who loves them and can wipe up the tears.
You know, Stuffy, I’ve read about your egg-doner of an ex-wife before and all I can say is you’re a better person than I could ever hope to be.
You’re, from what I’ve read on these boards, a great father and a great person. Your boys are damned lucky to have a parent like you.
I’m sure Zoe didn’t mean to hurt you like she did–I’d be hurt if I were in your shoes. If I’d gone through half of what you’ve been through, I would have Pitted her, too, though.
Elenia and Juanita thanks for the support. Yeah I was pretty upset when I read that. It’s just the whole thing frustrates the hell out of me. If I had the money, I’d seriously pursue trying to sue the county as I blame them nearly as much as I blame my ex.
Stuffy, IMHO, you are teaching your children about self-respect when you refuse to condone your ex’s actions. If they got the message that her antics were hunky-dory, they might be tempted to follow her example.
I can’t even say this is my two cents, because it’s actually worthless, but I just wanted you to know that there can be a positive side to having a crackhouse operator for an ex.
I don’t have a dog in this particular fight, and the OP sounds like a great dad. Speaking as a kid who was pretty much used as a pawn between divorced parents, though, and who acted as mom’s impromptu shrink for years, I have to say that…
It fucking sucked. Big hairy donkey balls. My dad was a lousy father, but that doesn’t mean I needed to hear every last pus-filled detail about him. I’m just now, at 30, starting to come to terms with my hatred of everything in him that I see in myself. Not to mention my resentment of my mom for laying all of it on me.
To you divorced parents out there, all I’m saying is be careful what information you impart. And don’t try to turn your kid into your therapist. Please, for the love of god.
See that’s just the thing, my boys feel bad enough without me adding fuel to the fire. I’ve even left my house on occasion to find a place to scream, when it gets too much to bear. The unspoken rule my wife and I have is we do not discuss my ex when the boys are around. Consequently most of my discussions with the kids regarding their mother are along the lines of “Well your Mother loves you, she just has a few things she needs to work out” I’d avoid saying even that, except like clock work she makes another empty promise and I’m left to explain away their disappointment.
To be fair, in the quote you provided, Zoe criticizes people who badmouth the other parent, which you have said you do not do. Is there more context that I’m missing?
I don’t see anything wrong with saying that to your kids. (Again, IMO) Have you talked to your kids about how they feel when their mom disappoints them? They might even be struggling with anger and resentment towards her (I know I would). This can lead to guilt because “She’s my mom and I love her”.
Giving your kids the message; “Sometimes people we love make mistakes, you can like somebody but still dislike the things they do,” could actually help them sort out their feelings. Every heartbreak is a chance to become wiser and stronger, and you, as their better-than-awesome dad, have a chance to help them do that.
As the child of parents who had a few problems I would just like to add:
if even once either one had said of the other, ‘Yeah, s/he is being a jerk, but …’
I don’t know, something along the lines of '… no-one is perfect and you still have to treat him with respect," things would have gone a lot better for me.
Kids aren’t stupid; they know when a parent is fucking up. You can’t ignore it and you can’t always excuse it, either. I don’t know what the best way to deal with it, and that’s why I don’t have kids.
Thank all the Gods that ever were for fathers like you! What the courts don’t seem to realize is that the mother isn’t always the best parent for rasing the kids, my SO has some similar problems with the mother of his son. Thankfully, they never married but he still gets screwed into paying more support than he should be and he has the son living full-time with him!
I applaud all the love and care you’re giving your children. You are a real man.
I’d say it’s not clear if Zoe was refering to you specifically with that comment. It seems like she was, but it could be read either way. Considering the context of her response, at the very least she should apologize for not choosing her words more carefully.
Zoe left herself just about enough weasel room - though I didn’t ought to be poisoning the well, I guess - but for my money she was lecturing Stuffy. To whom I can only say: Do you maybe need a small cart to haul your cojones around after you? You are a thousand times a better man than I am, and you make me keenly aware of how good a wife I have. Hang in there.
kung fu lola Yes I usually have to talk to them after she does a no-show on them. My biggest problem is they all react differently these days, so I pretty much have put out individual fires. The two younger kids will generally get tired of waiting when she’s an hour overdue, and ask to go outside. If ever, it’s usually a few days afterwards before they asking questions. My older son will pace, call her cell phone, pace some more then start acting sullen and moody. With him I generally have to pull teeth for him to admit that he’ upset. Which is where I’ll then have a talk with him.
Miller I hope you’re right. I’d like to hope she wasn’t intentionally attacking me. I spent most of the morning writing and discarding posts before I settled on this one as the first few were a little more bitter. I’m not above over-reacting and hope that’s the case.
Everybody else, really thanks, I’m only trying to do the best again, but your words have helped me feel a lot better.
Your point is so reasonable, and Zoe is so reasonable, that I predict a very gracious apology is forthcoming. Not that it’s any of my business. Good on Zoe for desiring that ex-spouses not trash each other in front of the children, and good on you for desiring the same thing. Seems like a simple foot-in-mouth occasion.
