Well, I couldn’t think of anything that fits the forum better. It’s probably more mundane than I thought it was, it’s definately pointless, and I just can’t stop myself from sharing it with somebody.
So, I’m minding my own business, working on an assignment for class, catching up on the IM gossip with an old college friend. Not hurting anybody. When out of the blue comes an IM. Now, this never happens to me randomly anymore, since I haven’t had any sort of profile for the past, like, six years.
Now, this does require a little background. Like, I suspect, many people my age (but mostly a little younger), I came online with AOL in the very early 90’s. (Except then it was called Promenade.) And, like many others, my screen name is a little embarassing to me now - comes from an AD&D character I played back in middle school. In fact, I was going to excise it from this transcript not because I’m so worried about people tracking me down, but because it’s a little blushworthy. After all, I’m so much cooler now. (Moved on to anime, baby. Cause I’m so cool, you dig.)
So this is the conversation. He’s in blue, I’m in red. (I closed the window at one point, so have to recreate the first few lines - be sure that I do so faithfully. I will annotate in italics.)
Dream49751 : hey
Dream49751 : this is ray
Okay, so I know a couple Rays. And like I said, I never get random IM’s - I kind of felt like you do when people call you and then start talking right away - like surely I had to know this guy and would really embarass myself if I blew him off.
Dreamblade : Hey.
Dream49751 : why amy been hiding you?
On second thought, maybe I don’t know this guy after all. Amy? Who’s Amy? I don’t think I know any Amy’s, definately none that are hiding me like a dime bag of pot. So I close the window, put my fingers in my ears, and hum.
Dream49751 : you there?
Who is this guy?
Dreamblade : Who are you, exactly?
Dream49751 : this is strat’s hubby
Dreamblade : Who?
Dream49751 : you know who i am
Dreamblade : No, really, I don’t.
Dream49751 : you keep saying that
Dreamblade : Since I have no idea who you are, and since you seem to be laboring under some sort of bizarre misconception, I’ve added you to my block list.
Only now, my curiosity has gotten the better of me. Who’s Amy? Is she Strat? Why does he think I know her? What does he think I’m doing with her? Does he think I’m a he? Does he think we make mad passionate trailer park love?
No offense to you, my trailer park brethren. I’m sure you make fantastic love.
*So I can’t help myself. I have to know. I step back into the game. From here on out, this is a direct transcript. *
Dream49751 : sure sounds good to me
Dreamblade : Although I have to wonder why you’re bugging me. I honestly don’t know who you are.
Dream49751: ok do you know strat0420
Dreamblade: No!
Dreamblade: I have nothing to do with your bizarre Jerry Springer drama.
Dream49751: shame you are in her list and she said she was talking to you
Dreamblade: I’ve never heard of her before in my life.
Dream49751: and what do you realate to jarry springer drama
Dream49751: if ok to ask
Dreamblade: You tell me, man. Obviously I’ve been implicated in some bizarre web of -something-. All news to me.
Dream49751: well tring to figure out this springer thing here
Dream49751: are you from the south
Dreamblade: From the sounds of things, whatever affair is going down here looks pretty trashy, is all. And dosen’t he tape in Chicago anyway?
Dream49751: oh im from there because i m here working
Dreamblade: But who -are- you and what do you -want-?
Dream49751: nothing from you or jade
Dreamblade: -Jade-? Now there’s a Jade involved?
Dream49751: jade stone
Dream49751: ring a bell
Dreamblade: Is that somebody’s real name, or is it a stripper?
Dream49751: jade richards
Dream49751: http://hometown.aol.com/jadestonefox/
*Go to the website. Go directly to the website. Does he thinks Amy and I make mad passionate trailer park furry swinger goth bloodplay love of some sort?
No offense to anybody who does.
And to think people thought I was wierd in high school.
But honestly, I’m not really even that good at vanilla sex.
Although I’ve been told I give great head. Good thing I didn’t tell Ray that.*
Dream49751: you there
Dream49751: hello
Dreamblade: Sorry, man, honestly don’t know any of the players in this undoubtedly seedy drama. Really. I swear.
Dreamblade: What exactly do you think I’m doing with your wife, out of curiosity?
Dream49751: me either i guess
Dream49751: just talking i guess
Dream49751: want more info
Dreamblade: I’ve honestly never spoken to her in my life.
Dream49751: like you ims
Dream49751: really
So I’m not sure how to interpret this gramatically. Is he complementing me on my grasp of the English language, which he seems to lack? Is he indicating that he thinks I and his wife make mad passionate trailer park furry swinger cybersex? Has he gotten extremely lonely?
*I admit, I felt a sick fascination. I just had to know more.
Suddenly, he chimes in on another screen name, presumably his wife’s. Trying to jog my memory? I have so many cyber affairs, you know, I can’t possibly be expected to remember every single one of them.*
Strat0420: hello
Strat0420: its ray
No offense to any Rays out there, like I said I know a few. Fine upstanding Rays. But it sure does sound like the guy you buy pot from, dosen’t it?
Strat0420: now are you there
Dreamblade: Yeah
Strat0420: ok hello
Strat0420: awaiting
Impatient little bastard. Never fast enough for him. Maybe that’s why his wife has to look elsewhere, if ya know what I mean.
Dreamblade: So you say I’m on your wife’s buddy list.
Strat0420: well yea but she deleted you untill i refreashed today
Strat0420: and brought you back
Dreamblade: So this woman I’ve never come into the slightest contact with me had me on her buddy list, but had some bizarre falling out with me?
Strat0420: in my security system
Strat0420: naw sorry to boter you guy
Dreamblade: I’m just fascinated by this bizarre connection.
I can’t help but feel bad for the guy, this whole thing seems sadder and sadder as it goes on. My heart softens a bit.
Strat0420: so am i
Dreamblade: (I might add that I’m female, if that takes a load off your mind re: your wife)
Strat0420: told her the same thing but she said you sounded like a guy
So I’m also tricking her into having lesbian trailer park cybersex. Damn if I don’t get around.
Dreamblade: Amazing, since I’ve never talked to her.
Strat0420: i thought the same thing
Strat0420: but you know how that si
Strat0420: is
How can I possibly convince him? I can’t prove to him that I’m not up to no good with his wife! That means he thinks everything I say has got to be a nasty sly little poke at him. Surely somehow I can point him away from me to that one armed lesbian human/wolf/vampire~dragon/celestial with the stripper name!
Dreamblade: Did she tell you she talks to me, like, on a regular basis? I was thinking maybe I knew her in some distant university context, but if she says we speak often I’m definately not who you’re looking for.
Strat0420: well she used you as a decoy if ok
Strat0420: no big deal
Strat0420: just she tried to tell me you were a guy
*I can tell he’s just trying to save face in front of what he has got to see as my badass pimpin laughter. Oh the emasculation. I admit, sympathy rises within me. Morbid rubbernecking curiosity wins, though. *
Dreamblade: That’s entirely possible. (Of course now I want to know the whole twisted story, of course)
Strat0420: well girl of dreamblade
As of yet this phrase means nothing to me.
Dreamblade: Definately not a guy. A librarian, actually.
See? Harmless. Ignore any librarian porn movies you may have happened to see.
Strat0420: sure you do
Dreamblade: Well, dish.
Maybe it would make him feel better to talk about it? Uh-huh.
Strat0420: well have a security system on puter and caught im of you both
Strat0420: and in pal talk also
Strat0420: deramn_blade
Dreamblade: You’ll notice I don’t spell it like that.
Strat0420: sorry dream_blade
Dreamblade: I don’t have a space in mine.
Strat0420: dream_blade
Dreamblade: Or an underscore or whatever it is
Strat0420: just cked
See? Mistaken whorish identity!
Strat0420: yea
Strat0420: and a vamp
Again, no recognition of the connection he thinks exists between me and Miss Jade. I continue to think he thinks I know Amy and Amy knows (in whatever way you like) Jade. I didn’t even take “vamp” to mean “vampire” but instead, you know, vamp. And hey, that’s kind of a cool thing to be called, right? I figure maybe he’s finally getting it through his head that I’m a female.
Dreamblade: So, obviously not me.
Strat0420: so must be two different peopl hu
Dreamblade: Well, yeah. So why were you checking up on your wife? Don’t you trust her?
Strat0420: well dont now
Strat0420: had it for kids
Strat0420: but wierd thing happen
Dreamblade: Why don’t you trust her now?
Strat0420: she lied
Dreamblade: What about?
Strat0420: and read im to her
Strat0420: after she closed it out when i got up to go to the kitchen
Strat0420: and was typing away
Dreamblade: What did it say?
The sordid, gory details, please
Strat0420: so want have a liyer with me sorry
No details? You bastard.
Strat0420: her problem
Strat0420: not yours
Dreamblade: Sorry, you just made me really curious
Dreamblade: Who’s this Jade girl?
Strat0420: she feels she must lie to me than she should not be with me
Dreamblade: But why does she feel she has to lie? Obviously there’s underlying issues there.
I have no idea why I’m trying to offer advice here.
Strat0420: oh for sure
Strat0420: but she wont say
Strat0420: and thats a problem
Dreamblade: Do you think she’s cheating on you?
Strat0420: Member Directory Search Results
This was an AOL link. Evidently when he looked up my screenname in AOL, the only thing he got was Jade’s profile because she describes herself as a “Lady of Dreamblade”. Total and perfect coincidence. And now it all comes clear to me: Jade is as innocent and uninvolved (but still a little dim, you ask me) as I am! In fact, for all I know she put that thing up years ago too and would be totally embarassed to know people could still see it. (Or maybe not.) Anyway, there’s no way I can convince him that there are millions and millions of people on the Internet and that honestly, we don’t all know each other.
Strat0420: Jade’s Life Scroll
Her page again, I guess for emphasis.
Dreamblade: I see. She hasn’t got anything to do with me.
Strat0420 : she’s youre woman she says
Strat0420: you there
YES I’M THERE YOU MORON. IT HAS ONLY BEEN THREE SECONDS; I NEED THIS PRECIOUS TIME TO PRESS THE SHIFT KEY.
Dreamblade: Really, I don’t know her.
Strat0420: really not what it says
Strat0420: mabey a sypho
A what?
Dreamblade: Honestly. Coincidence or what, but my screen name is from an old Dungeons and Dragons game I played, like, twelve years ago.
Dreamblade: I’ve never heard of the girl. I had a great time laughing at her webpage, though
Strat0420: well she say other wize
Now how do I convince him that I’m not a vegitarian dressing in black pretending to be a vampire?
Strat0420: hey you the man
Strat0420: mabey you need to hear of her
Wait, does he still think I’m a guy? Or do I just have all that good Sapphic lovin’?
Dreamblade: I dunno, man, she seems a little soft in the head to me
Strat0420: well you never know
Dreamblade: Evidently I’ve been collecting a harem without my knowledge.
Ha, ha, all in this together, huh Ray? Please don’t think I’m screwing your wife. Maybe somebody is, but it ain’t me.
Strat0420: how old are you
Wait a minute. See, here’s where we’re really back in 1996. a/s/l?
Strat0420: yes mabey so
Wait for it…
Strat0420: sounds like it
I see you quiver with an…tici…
Strat0420: but thats kewl im the blade master
Eeeeewww! …pation!
All sympathy evaporates. Poof!
Strat0420: so have fun in your journeyss
Strat0420: and this is what you ask for
Huh? In some Soprano’s type retribution deal??
Strat0420: fun
Dreamblade: This is what I ask for?
Strat0420: yes
And I don’t know why I keep trying, only that I just can’t let this one last enigma go.
Dreamblade: How so?
Strat0420: in he game
Maybe he wasn’t reticient on the cheatin’ details because he thought I was some vampire-harem-collectin’ guy named Vinny. Maybe he honestly just can’t put that many words together at once to form a complete thought.
Dreamblade: In the game?
Dreamblade: What game?
Scrabble? Parcheesi? Spades?
Strat0420: the game
Dreamblade: Of?
Strat0420: life
Oh, I never had that one.
Dreamblade: And what exactly did I ask for in the game of life?
Strat0420: fun and adventure
Strat0420: did you not
So now Ray has become a wise yet cryptic fortuneteller?
Dreamblade: I try to steer clear of adventure. It’s bad for your health.
Strat0420: well only if you lose
Is this guy going to find me and break my kneecaps? Will he stop if he sees I really am a woman, not to mention an honest to goodness librarian (in training)?
Dreamblade: It also rots the teeth.
Strat0420: no only sweets do that
Strat0420: but good luck
Dreamblade: Um, you too.
Strat0420: ok good night
Dreamblade: Night
The Blade Master, baby. All I gotta say is, the Internet is a cheap and tawdry place. It always makes me feel like I do when I spend half an hour in traffic bitching about the people who just have to look at the wreck, and then when it’s my turn I just can’t help turning my head. So, anybody out there doing Ray’s wife?