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#1
11-27-2002, 01:51 AM
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My friend committed suicide yesterday.
Yesterday at 7:25 PM, my friend hung herself in the park near her house. She left no note. She was 15.
I learned of this in my first period class this morning. At first I did not believe... i still can't, in a way. The idea that she will never be there again is, at the moment, incomprehensible to me. It did not really hit me, until English. I looked at the empty desk next to mine, and I almost broke into tears. I did not know here nearly as well as I would have liked, only this year did I begin to get to know her better. She was very feisty, spunky; she had attitude. Sure she was short and thin, but her spirit was very large. However, she was very kind. Generous, sympathietic, nice, a person that , even if you despised her personality, you could never really dislike. I was told one of her life goals was to touch as many people as she could. She was very intelligent. Definitely one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. Not only that, she was rational, logical, and to me, abounded with common sense. Moreso, she was focused, driven, determined, everything. Looking back, at her high school schedule, her life, how she acted, I can half see why, although I still can't grasp it. The top golfer in our school, she was leading our team to State finals and personally competing to be the best. She had more friends, new friends that she bonded strongly with while keeping the old ones, she was doing fabulously in Golf, and we all thought she was doing good in school. At least I thought that. Not counting golf, which as you can imagine was a large part of her time, she had seven solid classes. Two AP's, Two GATE's, A City college after-school class (which she got to without a car), foriegn language, and Academic decathalon. Her parents and sister set it up. They had huge expectations of her. Constantly pushing, pushing, pushing to be the best. The classes I talked about before weren't enough either. She also tred out for Mock Trial, auditioned for the school play (they rejected her because they felt she had no time... she was a wonderful actress), and tried to get a job. During the summer she took chemistry at City college. Already an unbelievebly hard class, she was also studying Latin to enter into Latin 3,4 (She had not taken 1,2) and was studying for academic decathalon. My friend spoke of her at her desk in CC, with the chemistry book on one hand, the Latin book on the other, and between them ACADEC novels. she aparently suffered from sllep deprivation, and suspect that she was not eating right. she was very thin. What frightens, me, though, is her acting. She seemed so happy! She seemed to have it all... Leader of a chamion sports team, strong student, better socil life... everything seemed on the rise for her! I remember the ast thing i said to her. I asked her how the golf team was. Se said, great! and gave me a rundow, and said she was going to compete. I said, fight with honor! victory! She kind of rolled her eyes in modesty and said, yeah sure. she laughed. I said, no, really. Someone in this world has to be the best, why can't it be you?! I pumped my fist again. Think, Victory! She smiled and pumped her fist again. She seemed absolutely stoked, full of joy. I remember her smile... Her faather was there to say goodbye to her that day. Before she went to zero period. Only, she didn't go. She stopped, and... It was the wodd janitor who found her. He knw her. ShE used to study out there, and she would say hi, and he would say hi. At least it was not a stranger. After this her father left. he did not hear the news until later in the afternoon. He had come in to see how his daughters grades were. instead, he got a chaplain, who told him... he was very quiet, and left. Her sister, in college, had to drive up upon hearing the news from LA, a three hour drive. How she must have felt, alone in a car with naugt but her thaoughts, I can't imagine. Her little brother, who she basically took care of, I can't even guess. The family has been destroyed. This isn't a fitting tribute. The world lost when she died. I have a huge whole in me, and guilt, knowing I did not get to know this wonderful erson as I should have. I'd organize, Id write more, and I will write more, but I can hardly see the screen. 
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#3
11-27-2002, 02:06 AM
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I got huge tears reading this. It''s so sad how so many young people take their own lives.
Keep your chin up and do your best to be positive, as hard as that may seem at the moment. Try to celebrate her life as much as possible rather than thinking about how she died and trying to analyze it. Doing that will only make it harder to heal. And please, please talk to as many close friends and loved ones as possible. If you really feel that you can''t cope, see a professional. Remember everyone deals with grief in a different way. If you get angry or cry just remember that''s it's normal. I wish you all the best.
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#6
11-27-2002, 04:29 AM
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This doesn't belong in the Pit. It should be moved to MPSIMS/IHMO/Wherever before someone (like myself), feels the need to make a comment on Suicide in general.
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#7
11-27-2002, 04:30 AM
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{{{{ņaņi}}}}
Don't tell me I can't hug in the Pit -- I've done far more radical things in my life! ;D Oh, kiddo, my heart really does go out to you. I've been suicidal, so let me see if I can explain a little. Those of you who've read this before, please feel free to skip it. First of all, it's not your fault! Depression is a disease which distorts one's perspective. I don't know how your friend saw herself, but when it's raging, I see myself as ugly, stupid, and unlovable. When I am suicidal, I believe that committing suicide will relieve my family and friends, if any, of the burden of my existence. At 15, I believed no one would miss me anyway. Regarding her acting happy, I don't know what your school was like, but acting miserable was downright dangerous at mine. The other thing is, you don't want people to know how down you are. A few weeks ago, I was very close to committing suicide and I deliberately did not call my therapist. During my regular appointment with her a few days later, after it had passed she asked why, and my answer was, a bit ruefully, "Because you would have helped me." No. I won't hold this back. The other reason I didn't call her is I was afraid she'd put me in the hospital, which would only make my life more of a disaster. I'm 37 years old; I've suffered from depression since I was 15 if not younger, and I was first treated for depression 10 years ago. Involuntary hospitalization is still something I'm afraid of, deep down, even though I know it's not likely to happen. At 15, your friend didn't have the resources I do, so it may have been worse. It's also a very powerful incentive for acting like everything is just fine. ņaņi, I wish I could have been there for your friend, and I am here for you if you need me. Feel free to send me an e-mail if you need to. You sound like a good person, yourself, and I wish I'd known you when I was 15. Take care, CJ
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#9
11-27-2002, 07:50 AM
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I'm so sorry, ņaņi - that's awful. I don't really know what to say, except that I feel for you, and I wish you well. My heart goes out to her family, because I simply cannot imagine anything more horrible for a family to go through.
Hugs, Kn*ckers
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#11
11-27-2002, 08:49 AM
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cjhoworth speaks the truth - when people are that severely depressed, often nothing that anyone else does can get through to them, and they often do a great job at hiding how they're doing because they don't want to be helped. That's just how bad this sickness can get. The depression just makes it seem so overwhelming, that no matter how many wonderful people are in your life, it just doesn't seem to matter. Quite possibly, she might have felt like she didn't deserve you and everyone else who cared about her. She did care about you, I'm sure. She was just so sick that she couldn't truly realize what this would do to everyone.
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#14
11-27-2002, 10:02 AM
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#15
11-27-2002, 10:03 AM
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nani, I am extremely sorry for your troubles.
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#16
11-27-2002, 10:09 AM
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#20
11-27-2002, 11:24 AM
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ņaņi, my heart goes out to you and your friend's family.
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#21
11-27-2002, 11:31 AM
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Re: My friend committed suicide yesterday.
Quote:
Take care of yourself.
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#22
11-27-2002, 12:02 PM
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That's horrible and I'm so sorry. It's so tragic and I know how it is to lose someone so kind and sweet. My friend's sister killed herself about 7 years ago and it really affected me--more deeply than I had expected.
If anything, it gave me a new perspective on life, since I was going through a rough time and was on the edge myself. I saw what it did to her family and changed my mind. Remember her often and fondly.
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#23
11-27-2002, 12:28 PM
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::hugs ņaņi::
I don't know what to say, really. Through the grace of luck, I've never lost anyone in quite this way. Like everyone else, all my sympathies go towards you and your friend's family.... I know this isn't much, but if you need to talk or something, feel free to e-mail me or IM me. Remember to take care of yourself...
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#25
11-27-2002, 01:49 PM
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I have had to deal with this several times in my life. It isn't easy. Death is hard enough without the spectre of suicide to make it much worse. My heart goes out to you.
It will only become more difficult in the days to come as the initail shock wears off and people begin the painful questions of why it happened and who is at fault. That can be quite nasty especially if the person involved left no note or clue as to their personal motivations. Don't get caught in this trap as it is even more painful than the loss itself. If you want to honour the memory of the friend you knew keep only those happy moments with you.
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#26
11-27-2002, 02:26 PM
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It's just goes to show that no-one is immune from the pressures of life.
Do they know why she did it? And how did such a loving warm kind hearted human being end up commiting suicide? I HOPE this suicide of many make the people outthere understand the traumatic and helplessness that drives so many to that fateful decision.
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#27
11-27-2002, 02:42 PM
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A word of warning....
If you know someone who is depressed, really sad, whatever and then overnight becomes happy, carefree and bubbly optimistic... BEWARE. The person may have decided to commit suicide. Once the decision is made it is like a huge burden off their shoulders and so may act much happier.
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#28
11-27-2002, 03:24 PM
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How very, very sad.
 One reason I really hate this time of the year (it's end of year exam time here ATM) is because of the enormous pressure to which high school students are exposed - every single year, there are a number of students whose lives are lost to the burden of that pressure. It's extremely difficult to explain what depression feels like to people who have never suffered from it. It markedly distorts your thinking, and sleep deprivation (which is extremely common in depressed people) distorts it even further. Please try not to torture yourself with misplaced feelings of guilt. People who've made the decision to commit suicide generally try very hard not to let those around them become aware of the depth of their despair. Be kind to yourself in the coming days, and feel free to email me if you just need to talk. We all need to be reminded occasionally about the danger of putting too many expectations on those we love.
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#30
11-27-2002, 05:21 PM
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I would just like to add -- if ņaņi is the future of our youth, then I have great hope for us.
It was a beautiful, touching, sad, sweet, eloquent note about your friend. I'm sorry you're in pain. But you're clearly a lovely, caring young woman -- and though you couldn't save your friend (no one could - please know that) -- you have made a difference in at least one person's life on this board. Me. Thank you.
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#31
11-27-2002, 06:53 PM
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You have my deepest sympathies. I lost one of my best friends to suicide not more than 4 weeks ago, so I definitely know the experience. For me, it was very bizarre, because he seemed perfectly happy and healthy. (He had called the day before and he was talking about his plans for the following weekend...) Here's a bit of my advice:
* Keep your friends close to you, in times like this. They can really help you deal with the situation. * Don't blame yourself. * Don't spend all your time dwelling on the situation: Contemplating it is healthy, but take a break every once in a while and do something fun and uplifting to take your mind off of it. * Don't feel bad if it doesn't feel like it's as "poetic" as it's supposed to be. It's hard to explain what I mean, but let me use my friend as an example: The last words I spoke to him were when I was talking to him on the phone at my friend John's house, and I said "Hold on a sec, I'm really busy, let me hand the phone over to John." Not "I love you", "I respect you", or "goodbye" just "I'm in a hurry, and I gotta go." And the truth is, that's usually how it goes. It's not always a dramatic Hollywood death sequence, where the person leaves an elaborate note explaining some dark hidden secret from the past, and whatnot. Sometimes, people just commit suicide because they have (in essence) an imbalance of brain hormones. * Most of all, don't feel guilty for how you feel about it. Everyone deals with death in their own way. Maybe you want to cry about it by yourself. Maybe you want to talk to a friend. Maybe you don't feel like crying at all. There is no wrong way to deal with it, so don't feel guilty if you find yourself feeling too sad, or "not sad enough." * Look for the warning signs. My friend had attempted suicide once before, and he was prescribed anti-depressants, but he wasn't taking them. Apparently that's pretty common among depressed people. He was also sort of an insomniac, and occasionally he dropped very subtle hints that he was planning to kill himself (which I didn't pick up on until after he died.) Do anything you can to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else. You have my support, ņaņi. Take it easy.
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#33
11-27-2002, 07:23 PM
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Am I going nuts, or was this in the Pit earlier?
nani, I'm so sorry!
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#34
11-27-2002, 08:03 PM
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I am sorry for your loss, nani. You and I live in the same town. I read about this in the local paper. I am sorry to hear that you were directly touched by this tragedy.
BTW, since someone asked, she did leave a note but the papers didn't disclose the contents. The article also said the grief counselors have been made available to the girl's classmates. Please make use of them, nani. Haj
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#35
11-27-2002, 08:07 PM
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Do you work for some kind of hotline, Blalron?
Depression isn't a "temporary problem", especially when you're a young teen girl whose feelings are constantly being dismissed as "PMS" or "hormones". Yeah, I was a young teen girl once, so I know. And I suffered (and still suffer) from depression, so I know. And my friend Amy hung herself in 1996, so I know. I never completed suicide (obviously), but I wanted to, so I know. So don't come in here with your "temporary problem" bullshit unless you know that girl and you know exactly what was going through her mind when she tied the noose, okay?
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#36
11-27-2002, 08:10 PM
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Quote:
My deepest apologies to UncleBeer, Coldfire, and Cajun Man for using naughty words in this forum. The sentiment remains the same for you though, Blalron.
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#37
11-27-2002, 08:22 PM
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I know how it is nani. A good friend of mine and teammate shot himself a week ago today. He was the same age as me, 21, and had a lot of great things going for him. I'm still going through waves of anger, dissappointment , and sadness. All I can say is to hang in there and be there for each other.
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#40
11-27-2002, 09:42 PM
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FWIW, when I was 19, I was determined to commit suicide by thug. I was going to walk through what I knew to be a very dangerous part of town, and let the inevitable happen. I hated myself and my situation that much. Fortunately, a friend talked me out of it by pointing out that I might not die immediately, or at all, thereby making my life even worse. I'm giving Blalron the benefit of the doubt that s/he was not being flip. Everyone can have hope as long as they're alive.
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#41
11-27-2002, 11:02 PM
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So sad. Such a waste of a young life. May everyone touched by her life Be Well, and Find Peace.
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#42
11-27-2002, 11:38 PM
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(((((nani)))))
It hurts, and it's so inexplicable. My cousin, who seemed to have the world wrapped around his finger, hanged himself when he was 21. He called his parents in seemingly good spirits and wished them an enjoyable vacation right before he did it. A HS classmate, at his wake, said "I'm so pissed at J***, I wanted to have his children." He, too, was an overachiever, track star, quarterback, academic, and popular. Your post was, as said above, very eloquent and touching. My thoughts are with you and her family.
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#43
11-27-2002, 11:46 PM
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I'm so VERY sorry, honey. I wish I could come up with some words of comfort, but I can't. You have lost your friend in a way that will always haunt you, and it doesn't matter how much anyone says, you are never going to understand.
The best you can do is to try to understand that you are not in ANY way to blame. You DIDN'T KNOW! You may not have been able to do anything ANYWAY, but in any case....you weren't given the opportunity to help. Please PLEASE don't blame yourself. Suicide is a place a person can only really understand when that person is in the place they are in that makes them choose that path. No one is ever going to be able to understand that place until they are IN that place. And I hope and pray that you NEVER understand that place. You loved your friend. It wasn't enough for her. I am sure that there are other people in her life who loved her. Where she was, it didn't matter to her. There is nothing you could have done to change that. I am SO VERY SORRY. You and her family are in my prayers. Much Love, Cheri
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#44
11-28-2002, 12:52 AM
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This thread has haunted me all day.
While none of us can make what happened "better", I so hope that you realise you have heaps of friends here you can talk to either publicly in threads like this or privately via email. The fact that people haven't explicitly stated you can email them doesn't mean you can't - I can think of quite a few people in this thread apart from myself who'd be more than willing to be there for you if you need someone to "talk" to. I got a call from my daughter's school a couple of hours ago. It's exam week and between school and work she's just so exhausted it isn't funny. She broke up with her boyfriend today at school - the teachers found her curled up on the ground in the foetal position and a near catatonic state. Right now, my priority is loving her back to health. I really hope that in spite of this tragedy you can find something to appreciate about Thanksgiving. It's already been said in this thread, but I'd like to second it. If loving, caring people like yourself represent the future, then the future is - indeed - in good hands. I'm not hugely impressed with the poster who let you know via a messageboard that your friend left a note - that was incredibly inappropriate. Please take care of yourself, and please know that whatever hour of the day or night there's always someone around here if you need an ear.
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#46
11-28-2002, 02:36 AM
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Sorry, nani. Many of us presumed your gender based on the eloquence and sensitivity of your post. It's a potent reminder to all of us not to PRESUME.
hajario posted earlier in the thread that a note was left but the newspaper did not disclose the contents. I'm not sure how hajario is privy to this information, but I thought that this thread was a totally inappropriate place to disclose that information. I kind of hope that it's true. As a parent myself, I'd much rather know "why" than always wonder. More important than any of the disputes about who has posted what here in relation to your thread, how are you doing? Have you had a chance today to talk with your other friends about how you all feel? Are you with people you feel safe talking to this about, are you trying to put on a brave face for Thanksgiving? I really hope that you're close enough to your own family to share with them the whole range of emotions you're going to feel in the next few days. And I hope that you know that if there's anything you feel you can't share with your own family, there will always be someone here to listen. ::hugs::
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#47
11-28-2002, 06:39 AM
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ņaņi
I hope this will be comforting, but if not, please ignore. Some have spoken of the permanence of death, but what I would like to tell you is that there is no life in flesh. Life is in the Spirit, and the spirit of your friend lives on. We all will die sooner or later, in terms of our cellular structure breaking down. But fleeting things are not real. What is real is what is eternal. Your friend is alive. She is not depressed, but joyful. She is in the arms of the Love Everlasting. Your own moral journey your life here on earth must go on. And while you are here, you are among friends. Find comfort in knowing that we love you, and that our love is but a pale reflection of the love that your friend now enjoys.
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#48
11-28-2002, 10:27 AM
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reprise, you indicated yourself that the fact that a note was left was comforting. Haj
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#50
11-28-2002, 01:36 PM
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Yes, death can be permanent, depending on one's faith. But the problems, feelings, and steps taken that lead to suicide are so incredibly overwhelming that, even if it is possible, the victim truly believes that there is no hope, that there is no one to help them and no way they will ever get better. Something was horribly wrong with that girl, and all the victims of suicide. To me, suicide, death... it's not even the worst part. It's knowing that a person could be so sad for so long that death is a welcome alternative. ņaņi, I have such deep sorrow I can't even describe it. Your friend was a victim of her own depression, but now you have to live with the pain. It's really not fair. Find comfort in the people you have in your life and know that you're not alone.
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