Not sure how I feel about my friend committing suicide

In My Humble Opinion
1

I almost didn’t post this … but then I saw the zombie thread in IMHO about whether suicide is selfish or cowardly, and ended up bursting into tears. Due to the circumstances, no one I know in real life is going to shed a single tear over this, so I’m turning to you, my anonymous internet peeps, for a bit of support here.

This very sad story is about my friend “Dave” I’ve known Dave a long time, over 20 years now. He killed himself yesterday. He didn’t leave a note, but he sent me an email before he did it. It was one line.

“I crossed the line, I’m sorry.” That was it.

I went over to his house, fearing the worst… There was a note on his bedroom door saying not to enter and call 911. Why the fuck didn’t I listen, I so wish I hadn’t opened that door. I saw him hanging motionless from the ceiling, and I don’t think that image is ever going to go away. So I called 911, talked to the cops, made a statement, it’s all a blur after seeing the body.

Now this is a sad tale, so why will no one cry for poor Dave? It’s because Dave is a pedophile. He was convicted of possession of child porn years ago. After that happened, he lost pretty much every social connection he had other than me and his sister. (Let’s just say I understood having & fighting forbidden desires) I didn’t let him babysit my kids, but we remained friends. And now he’s gone. And I’m trying hard not to be bitter about that, since I’ve been leaning on him hard for emotional support while I’m going through my divorce.

We had talked in the past over what would happen if he crossed the line, and had a sexual encounter with a child. He had always claimed that he couldn’t live with himself if he had actually harmed a child, and if he ever crossed the line, he would kill himself. I never really believed he was serious, figured it was a tough guy routine.

So, here I am, not sure on how to feel about this. Pissed off as all hell, since my biggest supporter is gone. Sad, since I’ve lost a long-term friend. Relieved that his battle with those demons is gone. Sorry for his sister, who was the only other person who didn’t think Dave was a monster. And I’m fucking furious at a different friend who is celebrating “that fucking pervert finally offing himself” since that “fucking pervert” had suffered more over his issue than they could imagine.

So for anyone who thinks that suicide by its nature is selfish, sometimes it isn’t. My friend killed himself to protect other children from himself.

I actually had a question for the end of this, but I’m shaking too hard right now. I’ll post it later, for now I have to put the face back on and get back to my work.

2

Let’s not focus on the evil David committed while he was alive. This isn’t about him.

It’s about you.

You lost a friend. You were traumatized by the sight of his body. You had to call the police, deal with the short investigation, and cope with your friends’ abuse.

Because of who David was, you’re probably not going to receive the support a grieving friend needs, and that’s not your fault. It doesn’t change your need though. For your own good, you are better off finding an outlet for your grief and an objective person to help you with it - maybe a pastor or a counselor. You’re the only person who can do that for you, so don’t be shy.

In the meantime, did you tell the police what he meant by his “crossing a line” comment? It could be that he did molest a child. If he did, the police need to find that child so the parents can know what happened and take care of their little boy or girl.

3

Very few people get to see what you saw, that your friend was fighting his demons. Because all most people know is the heartache of the victims, they don’t have sympathy for people like your friend, and that’s a shame. He was probably a victim himself at some point in his life, and clearly lived in hell with his demons. I hope he finds peace now, and I hope you find comfort in the fact that you were able to see past his problems and be his friend. My sympathies.

4

Sorry about your friend. Maybe I’m reading too much into it but did he mean he just molested a child recently? If so, you may no longer be able to help Dave but you may be able to help the child.

5

You should feel the same way you would if your friend died in a car crash-in a way his mind, his life and the society he belonged to crashed horribly.

6

Sorry about the loss of your friend and for the pain you and his sister are feeling.

7

This is incredibly sad (mostly for you). I’m sorry you are having to go through this.

I agree, it does sound like his email meant he had done something. I think you need to inform the police about this if you haven’t already.

8

Dave decided to not only take his life, but to rub your nose in it by making sure you had to see it and you had to deal with it.

Stay pissed for as long as you need to. This isn’t your problem and Dave shouldn’t have made it your issue to deal with.

Dave died, there was nothing you could have done about it.

9

I disagree with that, Dallas. He apologized to one of his only friends. I can’t see it as anything but that. Certainly not as anything horrible that he intentionally did to her.

10

First, thanks for the kinds words to all who replied. Though you can’t get anything past the dopers … yes, the question I am struggling with is what to do about that email I received before he died. I’m certain it means that he did something he was ashamed of with a child.

A short back-story: Long ago, on this very board, I posted to a thread regarding some of the issues that I have witnessed being Dave’s friend. This thread ended up getting deleted, after someone went and got the FBI and lawyers involved. Apparently, in some jurisdictions and circumstances, being complicit in someone else’s crime can land you in legal hot water. YMMV, consult a local lawyer for more info.

Anyhow, maybe I took the wrong results from that thread, but as a result, I did not tell the cops, or his sister, about the email he sent me. I don’t want to have to explain why I know what he means by crossing the line. I’m aware that he has a porn collection and as a pedophile, that collection would likely be illegal. I’ve also done tech work on his computer, and I’m worried that could be considered aiding and abetting. I’ve got a divorce pending. If this breaks the wrong way, it is quite possible I will never see my children again, as my soon-to-be-ex has hinted at this in the past.

But then I consider the other side. How hard did he cross that line? What if there was a kid who is hurting somewhere? Can I live with that? What if it was (hypothetically) one of my kids? Can I still live with it? I don’t know, and that’s the fucking worst part of this whole fucking mess.

11

I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you were a good friend to someone who it was very difficult to be friends with.

That being said, it does sound like he harmed a child (or at least planned to). Since he’s a convicted pedophile already, an email from him that says, “I crossed the line” doesn’t make you complicit with anything. Share the email with the police, tell them what you think it might mean, and let them do their job by checking his computer/internet records/etc.

It’s a shame that Dave made a half-confession without fully confessing so that any victim of his could be properly cared for.

12

He trusted and respected you. Yet, it was a dick move to kill himself knowing that you would likely be the person to find him. He could have simply called 911 and hanged himself.

Anger and loss are probably appropriate feelings.

13

He’s not there to protect any more; there’s no harm can come to him from sharing the little info you know with the police. From what you’ve said, it sounds to me like he’d want to mitigate any harm that he’d caused. Maybe nothing can be traced- maybe his ‘over the line’ was not even recognisable as a crime to someone outside his head, or maybe the info could assist in getting a traumatised child some help.

I’m sorry about your loss.

14

I still have trouble thinking about an acquaintance who was caught in one of those online deputy stings. He thought he was going to an “encounter” with a 14 year old girl. He didn’t, since it was a deputy, but it was still his intent. AND he did send lewd imagery to his supposed underage correspondent. So his guilt is not in doubt. But I still find myself thinking, “poor so-and-so.” I then have to remind myself that HEY, he DID it. Just because I knew him as a nice guy doesn’t absolve him. He did scummy stuff and tried to do even scummier stuff.

But still there’s that tiny bit of sympathy hiding in the back of my head.

15

I’m sorry for your loss, but you owe it to his victims to come forward with what you know. Some little boy or girl needs help and their parents may not even know it until it’s too late. Do what you can to stop this cycle of abuse from continuing.

16

This sounds like good advice.

17

If you show them the email and tell them what you think it means, I don’t see any reason why you would have to divulge anything specific about your past with him. “I knew he struggled with those desires, so I think that’s what his last email to me was referring to.” Done.

18

nm, wrong thread

19

I’m no lawyer but usually people say you must say something to prevent other victims. In this case, there won’t ever be another victim. Whatever was done to the child, if that’s what happened, is the end of it. I would think that as his friend, even as just another person tangentially related to him, you owe nothing to anybody regarding his actions.

20

Like Bob Ducca said, he could attempt to secure help for the victim in order to help prevent future victims. Not everyone who has been molested will become an offender. But studies have shown that most offenders were offended upon themselves. If there is a live victim, that victim deserves help.