Holiday Fables: The epic saga of Meatros

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I decided to start a holiday fable thread, thanks to Gazelle From Hell’s suggestion.

The Story of the Ancient Greek Hero, “Meatros the Valiant”.

Meatros was a courageous and hefty hero from the beginning of his life. When he was in the crib, well actually it was a puddle of mud-his parents were poor, he would take to fighting the roughest, toughest, two year-olds in Greece. Granted, he occasionally had his ass handed to him with fries-he was less than a year old, for the most part he whooped tiny ass like there was no tomorrow.

His parents were poor peasants who couldn’t afford even a modest shelter. His father was an out of work porno theater janitor-after all, movies hadn’t been invented yet, and his mother was a street walker. That’s not to say she was a whore, she was just terrible stupid and took to walking the streets in search of food.

In any event, Meatros had a rough childhood; he never learned to read or write and was quite dumb in the ways of learned men. Instead of being “Papyrus smart”, Meatros was Hero smart. This meant that he was great with strategy, tactics, legends and lore, and basically could get chicks to sleep with him.

His family never had enough to eat and consequently Meatros was sent on several errands to get food. One such errand, involved fetching a “magic” cow that could cook hot steaming fresh brownies anytime it wanted to. This cow’s brownies didn’t taste good to Meatros, but hey, he’d never had brownies before (they hadn’t been invented yet). When he brought the “magic” cow back to show his parents the wonderful and nourishing beast, they quietly informed him about the digestive system and “waste”. This sent Meatros into a rage, the type that all heroes have.

Meatros gnashed his teeth and attacked the cow, ripping it to shreds in the process. So destructive was his effort and power, the creature caught fire-cooking the meat on its body instantly. The meat from this cow kept the family alive through the winter…and eventually killed Meatros father from spoiled meat-which incidentally didn’t stop the rest of the family, remember they were dumb…

Thirty years later, and several heroic deeds later, Meatros became a man at 25. Hey, Hero’s age differently then the rest of us! He can be 25 if I want him to be 25!! Fine, he’s 20, say anything again and I’ll take away another year!!!

Okay, so Meatros turned twenty and had made friends with the mighty, but not as mighty as he was, Hercules. The two of them were chatting each other up with noble deeds, when a young child ran up to him. The child was thin, scuffed up, and loosing his eyesight.

“Kind Sirs, will you help a poor orphan out?” exclaimed the little child. Hercules, still engrossed in his own flagrant ego-mania, simply continued talking about his muscles, and a new powdered form of “strength” juice he named “Creatine”.

The heart strings of Meatros pulled for the child as he said, “I’ll help you out little one, what is the matter?”

The child gasped, for dramatic effect, and told the story of an evil creature that had beset his village and was slowly starving the villagers to death, not to mention driving them crazy. Its name was the Vegitarianus, befouler of all that is meaty and good.

This creature was an unspeakably evil monster who filled the villagers head’s with crazy ideas, such as “meat is murder”, and it put the entire village on a huge guilt trip. The village had stopped raising cattle and started farming, but this too was distained by the Vegitarianus. It proclaimed, “How would you like to be plucked from the world, put on a plate and served with butter?” So the village people became emaciated, which wasn’t all that bad for some of the people who needed to loose a few…

This was too much for Meatros to bear! How could people not enjoy the fine taste of dead and rotting flesh? He thought to himself. “Lead me to the foul creature!” he bravely said. With that the child began leading Meatros down the path to the village-Hercules, being “Hero smart” didn’t notice they were gone until Meatros was halfway up the path.

As soon as they reached the Vegitarianus, the Hero’s problems began. The creature was a mighty healthy looking female, with eyes that pulled you in. Meatros was stunned-he hadn’t expected such a fierce opponent. Hercules, being totally body-conscious, couldn’t care less, he was absorbed in the creature’s abdominal muscles. How could Vegitarianus’s abs get so defined, so shredded, he thought to himself as he pawed his slightly pudgy stomach.

As if in answer to question the creature proclaimed, “The joy of soy!” and eerily continued, “Tofu will cleanse your mind and ease your spirits”.

Hercules, not giving the slightest shit about either his mind or spirit (what Hero would?) screamed and charged, “I will have take this soy from your dead lifeless hands!”

Hercules rushed toward Vegitarianus, and was ensnarled into her wicked web of deceit. She grabbed him, and unleashed evil magic on him. Thorns grew up from the ground and held Hercules tight. She then turned and reached into the bag beside her and revealed what upon first inspection looked like a hamburger (which hadn’t been invented, but both the Heroes still recognized as such).

”Enjoy your SOY!” Vegitarianus yelled in a nasty-wicked voice as she forcefully crammed the burger into Hercules’s mouth.

”Oh barf, this taste like cow excrement!” Hercules cried after choking the burger down. Meatros took slight offense to the comment.

Vegitarianus wasn’t through with Hercules though; she withdrew another burger and crammed it into his pie-hole. And then another, and another. Hercules’s stomach began to expand and he began to vomit uncontrollably.

”Not so fast, MEAT MURDERER!” the Vegitarianus yelled. She put her hand over his mouth, to prevent any loss of the detestably nutritious soy…

At this point Meatros screamed, in an albeit girly voice, “We’re not going to take this! By Zeus’s diet of freshly slaughtered yummy pig flesh, I will defeat you!”

Meatros opened his jaw and meat, glorious meat, sprang forth. Mountains of tenderloins, pork chops, and a variety of other tasty morsels flowed from his mighty jaw. Vegitarianus was stunned; she had never been presented with such a quantity of quality meats before! Meatros took full advantage of the situation and chained her up, while still spewing the delicious meats everywhere.

Imprisoned with tasty vittles scattered around her Vegitarianus began to salivate and holler, “Oh great Hero, please spare me some prime rib!” Meatros wasn’t hearing it though, instead he grabbed Hercules and the two of them sat down to greedily eat all of the food that had poured out of Meatros’s mouth (which had stopped producing food).

This drove the beast crazy, its mouth’s salvia producing glands began pumping fluid out into overdrive-covering both of the Heroes. The fluid kept coming out and began to fill the cavern, which I hadn’t mentioned until now, that the struggle began in. This cavern eventually became known as the Mediterranean Sea.

Hercules and Meatros were disgusted by the gross fluid that covered their bodies, yet they didn’t know what to do about it. No one showered back in those days, as it was seen to be unhygienic. This all changed because of Meatros, who suggested that they rid their bodies of the disgusting fluid by running warm water over themselves. Henceforth everyone bathed, to be like their idols-Meatros and Hercules.

2

Meatros was disgusted? He was the one who was regurgitating meat all over the place…

Why We Leave a Plate of Cookies for Santa

Long ago, during the Dawn of Man, when The People lived in huts out on the African savannah, they celebrated the winter solstice by making and eating sweet treats made out of roasted termites and honey. One year, however, the Termite Queen came to The People and said, “It isn’t sporting of you to cook us and eat us. We understand being poked out of our mound with a twig and eaten alive–that’s the way it’s always been done. But this business of cooking us with recipes and stuff, well, it ain’t right. Stop it, or we’ll mutate into giant human-eating termites and wipe your race off the face of the planet.”

So The People had to quit using termites for their holiday goodies, and they were stumped for what else to use. Eventually, sometime during the following spring, they invented Agriculture, and thus had flour to grind up to combine with the honey.

However, that summer, the Bee Queen came to The People and said, “Look, we noticed that the Termite Queen forced you to deal, so we’re demanding that you quit stealing our honey, or else we’ll mutate into giant human-eating bees and wipe your race off the face of the planet.”

So The People were forced to think of something else sticky and sweet to combine with their newly-invented flour to make their holiday goodies. They tried tree sap but it smelled funny. Blood wasn’t sweet enough. Then they tried milking a wildebeest, and although it took four men to throw it and hogtie it, and two of the milkers were kicked in the head, still they succeeded in obtaining about a quart of milk. Then they left it sitting under a tree while they went home to bandage up their sprains and grouse a bit about the idiot who thought this up.

And when somebody went back for the dang thing the next day, because it was in his wife’s good bucket and she wanted it back, lo! the Goddess Lactia was sitting there with it, and had churned it into butter. She told him, “Here is the veritable ambrosia from the gods. Use it wisely, and the evil demon Ko-Less-Terol will never bring illness to your hut. But abuse it, and the veins of your body will harden like concrete.”

He took the bucket of butter back to the camp, but the poor mope forgot the instructions about the evil demon Ko-Less-Terol, and it took 50,000 years for The People to rediscover him.

Anyway, so The People started combining the butter with the flour, but it wasn’t sweet. So they thought, “Big gyp, that Goddess Lactia.”

Then somebody finally realized that honeybees weren’t carnivorous anyway, so how could they mutate into giant human-eating bees, so they all went out and gathered honey, much to the annoyance of the Bee Queen, but there wasn’t much she could do about it.

So once The People learned that you have to mix the honey and the butter together before you add the flour, lo! they had invented cookies.

However, the Bee Queen wasn’t giving up so easily. She came around and said, “Look, okay, so we can’t mutate into giant human-eating bees, but we can make your holiday season miserable by mutating into African killer bees who aren’t quite so easy to steal honey from. So we’ll make a deal. You let us have some of those cookies when you make them, and we’ll stay honeybees.”

So The People agreed. Every year they made cookies and left some of them out on a plate for the Bee Queen.

And over the millennia, the figure of the Bee Queen gradually morphed into Santa Claus, I have no idea why, but I understand there are folklorists out there who have federal funding to study this sort of thing.

The End.

3

Yes, yes, I’ll get to it, get off my back! I’m still trying to determine the exact angle to hold a ketchup bottle at to achieve optimum flow, not too fast(it glops) and not too slow(your hand falls asleep and other people who need the ketchup end up wanting to kick your ass). I’ll get to it. [sub]wanders off muttering[/sub]

Enjoy,
Steven

4

Actually, Meatros was disgusted by the saliva covering himself, not the delicious meat.

I like your story, I felt the ending was perfect!

5

So…how’s the ketchup problem coming?:smiley:

6

Sorry it took so long to get back to you, as a meat lover I can well imagine you’re on the edge of your seat awaiting these findings. I’ve been really engrossed in the research the past couple of days but a cold front has come through and lowered the temperature of my samples beneath room temperature so they don’t flow properly. I’m taking a break while my co-researchers write up a government grant proposal to get us a new, state of the art heating system to ensure things like this don’t delay our research further.

I have good news! After years of painstaking research we’ve got a breakthrough!

First I have to tell you a little something about our research. It isn’t easy finding the optimal angle for proper ketchup flow, especially when there are so many different types of ketchup and they have varying viscosities. Throw in differences in temperature and air pressure and it’s simply a nightmare. Don’t get me started on the “Tap the bottom of the jar” madness.

We had originally intended to publish a simple booklet with diagrams of an arm in the proper position for people to use as a guideline but due to the complex nature of the problem we have opted to design and build a device people can carry with them to resturants and with a few simple keystrokes the machine will sample ambient temperature, subject body temperature(because the hand will come into contact with the ketcup bottle and conduct heat into the ketchup), subject hand dimensions, ketchup bottle thickness, ketchup bottle composition, air pressure, altitude and a myriad of other factors to calculate the proper angle for any specific ketchup pouring. The user will enter a few simple factors, brand name of the ketchup for example, then the device will make the necessary calculations and give directions to the user through a pleasant speaking voice using the familiar paradigm of that wonderful childhood game where someone hides an object and gives clues to a seeker by yelling things like “Warmer! Colder! Freezing! RED HOT!”. The device will use the words “up” and “down”. Realizing the importance of having a pleasant voice to record for the device to use we wrote up a grant proposal that would have allowed us to hire the voice talents of James Earl Jones. Unfortunately the proposal was rejected and we ultimately ended up using Paul Rubens, better known as Pee Wee Herman. It seems one of our government sponsors felt Mr Rubens had done a magnificent job giving such directions in the movie “Flight of the Navigator”. An unworthy co-worker once remarked “The only downside is this may lead to millions of people sitting in resturants moving their hands and forearms up and down while holding a rigid oblong object and taking directions from Paul Rubens.” Har de har har :rolleyes:

The design and development of this device is not my department but from discussions with collegues who are working on it I’m extremely excited. They are confident they can get it down to something which will fit in a small[sub]ish[/sub] backpack and the power supply would fit nicely in one of those wheeled carryons which are so popular these days. Talk about convenience!

Anyway, back to discussions of our testing. We took great pains to build what is essentially a hyperbaric chamber. It has the ability to control both air temperature(or so we thought until the heating system proved inadequate :mad: ) and air pressure. There is a carefully aligned horizontal bar which is perfectly perpendicular with respect to the earth’s gravitational force in this location. There is a bottle of ketcup anchored to this bar with a precision swivel device connecting the bar and the neck of the bottle. An extremely precise robotic arm holds the bottom of the bottle and is capable of rotating it around its swivel in graduations no larger than .00000001 seconds of arc. If you’re not familiar with how precise this is, here’s an analogy. If a laser targeting system was as precise as this arm is it would be possible to put a hole through the center of each of the each of the fifty stars on the US flag the apollo astronauts planted on the moon when fired from a base on earth. The military of several countries has approached us seeking our technolgy for use in their weapons programs but we have remained adament, this technology is for the advancement of science, not the slaughter of one’s ideological enemies. We’ve foiled several insurrection and espionage attempts since this refusal. These brass-heads just won’t learn. :mad:

Now the breakthrough! Imagine we seperated the circle the bottle could describe while swiveling around its pivot point into four quadrants. Imagine that the horizontal line was designated 0° and its intersection with the geometric center of the swivel was designated “center”. We can now describe the circle as positive and negative(above and below respectively) and left/right of center. We chart the position of the bottle with regards to this co-ordinance system. Well, the good news is we’ve done extensive mathematics and we’ve been able to mathematically eliminate the entire spectrum of positions between Negative 45° Left and Negative 45° Right! This is an entire quarter circle! Do you know how many graduations this means we don’t have to go through? This saves us literally billions of experiments within that arc. We’re closer than ever!

It gives me hope that this project may soon end and I’ll have enough job experience to get the job I really want which is, as mentioned earlier, folklore research. Stupid economic slowdowns.

Enjoy,
Steven

7

[sub]Will someone please tell me if they got the joke or not? Please? I don’t want to be such an erudite in my humorous contributions that no one even gets the joke. :([/sub]

8

Sorry, I just got time to read it. Not only did I get the joke-I found it very hysterical!:smiley: