I’m Carrol D. Bells, the leader of the Elf Union, local 1225. With the holiday rush, we’re hiring on new elves to help us get through this hectic time.
All of you will report to billeting to pick out your new Elf name and get the required Elf uniform. I’m sorry, they only come in green and red. However each hat does come with either a silver or gold bell. Boy elves go through that door on my right, the girl elves off to my left. Those of you who can’t make up your mind, well, we’ll work something out!
Then we need you to decide which part of North Pole Enterprises you’ll be working for. We’ll need plenty of help in the bakery! Mrs. Claus is behind schedule again. The reindeer need tending and grooming for the Big Day. Also, someone needs to clean out the stable. Of course there’s the toy workshop, too! And the trees around Santa’s castle need to be decorated. We also need volunteers to get Santa into his sleigh and to help deliver presents on his Big Day.
Yes, we also require help in the infirmery, especially oral surgeons and hygienists! We only eat cake, cookies, candy and other sweet holiday foods here, so you can imagine what our teeth look like!
One more word, there’s a UN Inspection Team here. We advise you DO NOT talk to them, under any circumstances!
I’ll be in charge of KELF Radio. I’ll do the morning show and keep the troops happy with music and fun talk radio.
Our midday show will be Dr. Laura Elfinger, until we find out she has a secret agenda of berating elves who live the “alternative” lifestyle of Nutra-Sweet[sub]TM[/sub] instead of sugar in their candy canes. Upon her departure we will bring on Rush Elfbaugh, and the EIB (Elves In Broadcasting) network.
Afternoons will be handled by Elfman Jack, spinning the Christmas hits and howling in that low alto Elf voice he does so well.
At 6:00PM we will emulate the great stations of the USA, and go automated voice tracked, no one there, but continuous Christmas music, 12 in a row, followed by 18-20 minutes straight of commercials.
I can help keep the Christmas ferrets in line! Er, well, I’ll try at least!
Huh…? What do you mean you’ve never heard of Christmas ferrets before? Who do you have climbing the Christmas trees, knocking ornaments off, running through the flour in the kitchen, and so forth? Sheesh.
Can I have a red jacket and green pants? And both silver and gold bells? Elf Kallessa just does not conform to uniform codes. Plus you really wouldn’t want to see me in red pants, even with a long jackey there is just no disguising some things.
That being said, I’m obviously a natural to help Mrs. Claus with the baking. My specialities are chocolate cookies–chocolate snappers, chocolate crinkles, chocolate teacakes, chocolate brownies, and chocolate chip (both soft and chewy (yuck) or golden crunchy (yum)). But I also turn out a smart sugar cookie and a peanut butter cookie par excellence. I have a couple of good ginger cookie receipes as well–but I hate the smell of molassas, so I’d need some eggnog to willingly make those.
Oh, and chocolate fudge–not a cookie, but another in my repertoire of delectable delicacies.
P.S. I’m a Pagan, can I get December 21 off? I mean, it’s in the union contract, right?
Sign me up. With my current experience of performing functional testing of new production aircraft, I will give the sleigh a thorough going over. We don’t need any mechanical delays like we have had the past couple of years.
Elf Rico, that’s great. The thing KELF has been playing for the past two years is Bing Crosby’s White Christmas and the Carpenter’s Greatest Christmas Hits. A little variety would be nice.
Elf Tapioca Dextrin, that’s great. Better than coal in the stockings!
Elf Ayesha you’re promoted to the Morale Dept!
Elf Ferret Herder thanks so much. The ferret problem has been getting worse over the past few years. Can you train them to put decorations on the trees?
Efl Kat, great, as we needed someone to handle the kittens as gifts this year.
Elf ijustdontcare, that’s fine. Make sure the sleigh is ready. Check the maps, the heating system and polish the runners. Also, stock the stereo system with Santa’s favorite CDs!
Elf Kallessa, I think we can accomodate you with your uniform requests. Thanks for the help in the kitchen, but just be careful around the rum for the fruit cakes. We’re thinking of opening a chapter of AA here because of it.
Elf racer72, you can help Elf ijustdontcare get the sleight ready!
Now, see still need people to help make and wrap gifts, any takers?
Insurance-- It’s friggin’ cold up at the North Pole. Are the North Pole Enterprises people able to cover us in case of frostbite, flu, abominable snow monster attack, and chills?
I’m not to keen on singing elf songs, is that OK?
I have to visit my family during Christmas week, so I’ll need that time off…OK?
Do we get a discount on toys?
Am I allowed enough creativity in my toymaking? At my last job they couldn’t understand why I wanted to make a Charlie-in-the-box, a choo-choo with square wheels, or a water pistol that shoots jelly. I want a more enlightened work environment.
Can I leave the Pole during breaks?
My intolerance for sugar is especially strong. Do you have any sugar-free work zones?
Im in. With all those sweets you’ll need some one to keep everyone trim('cept Santa). On Dec 27 will be the first annual “Rudolph 10K” and a special Fun Run for all the young elves.
Elf Kallessa, yes, you can have the 21st off. We here at North Pole Enterprises respect and value our employees and their beliefs.
Elf Biotop, well, that’s quite a list. We might set you up with helping Santa. Let’s see:
your pay is minmum wage, but all other necessities are covered, like food, lodging and medical insurance during your stay here at the North Pole.
Flu, colds and chills are covered. Abominable attacks are not. Sorry, the rider on the insurance is just too much. We advise you to not stray too far from the Pole.
That’s okay. We’ve given up on elf songs and now use KELF to spread some seasonal cheer. Of course, for religious music, you simply visit one of our religious institutions and join in. All religions that have celebrations this time of year are represented here at North Pole Enterprises.
Uh, sorry… no can do. That’s why we hired you. However, your family is free to visit us here and help join in!
Yes, a 10% employee discount is available for those who have been with us for one year or more.
We value creativity here at North Pole Enterprises. While in the past we stuck to more traditional toys, the market has opened up and we’ve discovered there are boys and girls who enjoy such unothrodox toys. Show us your best!
yes, but it is ill-advised. Please see my response to #2
Unfortunately, we only eat traditional holiday foods here. You might want to pack your own breakfast/lunch/dinner.
yes, we do.
see that big patch of yellow snow over there?
Elf runner pat
Excellent! Nothing like a brisk run in subzero weather!
Well, OK, but I have been scooping reindeer poop for the past two days. It’s not pheromones I’m reeking of, but I’m up for "X"mas related shennanigans.
I’m a terrific gift-wrapper. Anything from conventional boxes to weird shapes to disguising easily recognizable parcels. Bows, ribbons, streamers, curls, tags - I do it all! All I ask in return is an occasional shoulder rub or foot massage. And chocolate. Whaddya say?
