The Straight Dope

Go Back   Straight Dope Message Board > Main > In My Humble Opinion (IMHO)

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 12-14-2002, 08:55 AM
guitarmax_99 guitarmax_99 is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2000
Share your clever/funny colloquialisms

A ways back I was hanging out with a friend of mine, and we were trying to be quiet so as not to wake up the baby sleeping in the next room. He eventually had to go to the bathroom, which is right next to that room, and when I told him that he should do it quietly, he looked at me and said, "I'll be as quiet as a fieldmouse pissing on a cotton ball." This expression totally cracked me up, and I had to stifle my laughter so as not to wake the baby. Anyway, I asked him where he got this gem of a statement and he said he picked it up when he was stationed in the south (while he was in the army) and that's where he thinks it came from.

So, I got to thinking that there probably were other funny and (particularly) descriptive colloquialisms out there like this one. I'd like to hear some more! Anyone know any that they'd care to share?
Reply With Quote
Advertisements  
  #2  
Old 12-14-2002, 02:11 PM
NinetyWt NinetyWt is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: May 2002
I love 'em. And we have many many wonderful ones:

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit !!"
"We're cookin' with gas, now."
"Busy as a one-armed paper hanger."
"I didn't know whether to shit or go blind, so I closed one eye and farted."
"That dog won't hunt."
"He got all wrapped around the axle about that."
"This gravy's so good it'll make a puppy pull a train."
"Naw, it's so good it'll make you slap yo grandma."
"I'll be dipped in a bucket of shit !!"

Just to share a few ...
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-14-2002, 04:57 PM
vertigo vertigo is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2000
"Well tie my face to the side of a pig and roll me in the mud!"

or

"Bury me in an ant hill and smear my face with jam..."
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-14-2002, 04:58 PM
Qadgop the Mercotan Qadgop the Mercotan is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: Slithering on the hull
Posts: 22,033
"Well, solder my spleen vents shut and hang me a new frog!"
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-14-2002, 05:09 PM
Skeezix Skeezix is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
PSA: Working in a prison makes you really weird, kids.

And knowing is half the battle...
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 12-14-2002, 05:11 PM
Skeezix Skeezix is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
No. Wait. I've gotta know.

Is that actually some real bizarre injoke? I can't imagine the story behind it... but I'd love to know.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 12-14-2002, 06:06 PM
Qadgop the Mercotan Qadgop the Mercotan is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: Slithering on the hull
Posts: 22,033
I have no idea what it means, skeezix. The patient who said it is a paranoid schizophrenic, and he was less than lucid that day. His explanation included phrases like "the overmind" and "dance with me" and something that sounded like "numerator hat". At that point I felt it more worthwhile to turn to more productive areas of the examination.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 12-14-2002, 06:26 PM
Skeezix Skeezix is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
That'd be the proctological bit, yeah?

Seriously, though, I was thinking, "Venting one's spleen is generally what one does in the pit... P'raps he dealt with some patient or another with 'anger management issues' and told him to draw a picture of a frog, 'cause, well, the guy likes frogs, and that'll keep him from getting stuck in solitary every couple weeks for beating the snot out of some other prisoner or guard... And the clever phrase helped him remember this, like his own little mantra, mebbe..."

Sorry. Please forgive the highjack, guitarmax_99.

[actual relevance]
My wife and her stepfather use the old "beat you like a red-headed step-child" as a gag between the two of them. "I didn't know whether to shit or wind my watch" has always tickled me.
[/actual relevance]

George Carlin: So I shit on my watch.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 12-14-2002, 06:48 PM
NinetyWt NinetyWt is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: May 2002
That reminds me:

whupped like a borrowed mule
crazy as a run-over dog
I wouldn't f*ck her with YOUR d*ck ('scuse me)
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 12-14-2002, 06:50 PM
Ruby Ruby is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2001
I'm finer than frogs hair.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 12-14-2002, 07:01 PM
VunderBob VunderBob is offline
Mostly harmless
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: The VunderLair
Posts: 14,194
When saying goodbye: "Don't stick any beans up your nose..."
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 12-14-2002, 07:47 PM
Eats_Crayons Eats_Crayons is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2000
My SO, Sniffs_Markers, said that when she and her siblings were being nosey, her father used to say:
"Quizzy monkeys burn their noses..."

("Quizzy" being short for "inquisitive.")
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 12-14-2002, 10:30 PM
interface2x interface2x is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
I wouldn't be caught dead in that place with a ten foot pole.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 12-14-2002, 10:49 PM
Wisest Novel Wisest Novel is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
My kitchen's so small, you can't swing a dead cat in there without getting fur in your mouth.

If I was any better, I'd have to be twins.

That's as pretty as a little red wagon going up a hill.




OK, I'm off like a prom dress, and out of here like a scalded dog.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 12-14-2002, 11:01 PM
masonite masonite is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
"Well, slap the dog and spit in the fire."

(This must be pronounced "Dawg" and "Fahr" to be authentic.)

Then the one I learned from a Cecil book: "I wouldn't piss on his ass if his piles were on fire."
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 12-14-2002, 11:23 PM
Denis Denis is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
"I was sweatin' like a dog shittin' razor blades."

"Well. Fuck. Me. Runnin'."

"Stinks bad enough to knock a buzzard off a shitwagon."

"He has the attention span of a chicken on speed."

"That guy's twenty pounds of bullshit in a ten pound bag."

"That lasts about as long as a fart in a windstorm."
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 12-15-2002, 12:19 AM
brianjedi brianjedi is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Here's a whole bunch of them:

"on him like a pack of dogs on a three-legged cat"
"wigglin' like a worm on a hot board" (stole this one from NASCAR legend Buddy Baker, when describing a race car)
"whipped him like a rented mule"
"fell out of an ugly tree and hit every branch"
"not the sharpest crayon in the box"

(Note: to be used with Southern accent)

-brianjedi
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 12-15-2002, 02:01 AM
Bullwinkle Bullwinkle is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2002
He's just ate up with the dumbass!
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 12-15-2002, 11:54 AM
NinetyWt NinetyWt is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: May 2002
Nobody else catch this ??

Quote:
I wouldn't be caught dead in that place with a ten foot pole
The ten-foot Pole said he wouldnt' either !!!

yuk yuk :P

on being frightened: If I coulda' spit, my heart woulda gone with it
(I just can't quit ....)
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 12-15-2002, 12:19 PM
Zoe Zoe is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
I've always heard "ten foot pole" used to indicate that you couldn't get anywhere close as in "You couldn't touch him with a ten foot pole."

Some of my favorites:

As busy as a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest...

So ugly he could back a dog off a meat wagon...

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater (meaning that you are overlooking something important)

As shallow as a saucer

Lower than a duck's butt

as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof (Hmmm...might be a good name for a play in there...)
Reply With Quote
  #21  
Old 12-15-2002, 12:19 PM
Enola Straight Enola Straight is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
"That would've killed me to death."

or,

"That would've killed the life outta me."
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 12-15-2002, 12:25 PM
El_Kabong El_Kabong is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Smack Dab in the Middle
Posts: 10,448
A few I've picked up over the years:

(Of a stuck-up woman) "She thinks she shits ice cream"

(of a skinny person) "He hasn't got enough fat on his ass to fry his ears"

"It's rainin' like a cow pissin' on a flat rock"

"It's darker than the inside of a cow tonight"

"I'm hornier than a three-balled tomcat"
__________________
I love you,

El_Kabong
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 12-15-2002, 12:59 PM
Ringo Ringo is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 1999
Location: Houston, TX, USA
Posts: 11,261
Time to piss on the fire and call the dogs.

Busier than a cross-eyed cranberry picker.

Crazy as a shithouse rat.

Tighter than Dick's hatband.

Tighter than a gnat's ass.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 12-15-2002, 06:17 PM
Brynda Brynda is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2000
<raises hand> Oooo, I grew up in the south.....

That girl is short up and tall around.

That embarassed the water out of me.

Would you look at those steaks in that field! (said when admiring cows)

She was beat with an ugly stick.

(of an unpopular person) He had to tie a porkchop around his neck to get the dog to play with him.

He is so ugly he has to sneak up on a glass of water to get a drink.

I love regional speech.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 12-15-2002, 06:37 PM
KRC KRC is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
A couple I heard when I was a kid:

"Put me in the Sahara and call me a prairie dog!"

"He's so low he has to climb a ladder to touch a snake's belly."

One I heard a few years ago:

"He's so dumb that if he saw a sign that said 'Wet Floor' he would."
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 12-15-2002, 06:47 PM
Ringo Ringo is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 1999
Location: Houston, TX, USA
Posts: 11,261
Now we're shittin' in high cotton.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 12-15-2002, 06:49 PM
matt_mcl matt_mcl is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Mar 1999
Location: Montreal
Posts: 20,196
-SOME queen's on a SCHEDULE!

-Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, sweetie.

-Not I, said the cat.

-wanna-blessed-bes (to refer to poseur Wiccans)

-You aren't all that and a bag of potato chips. (Every consonant must be articulated very precisely for the full effect.)
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 12-15-2002, 07:07 PM
NinetyWt NinetyWt is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: May 2002
Zoe, I reckon I'm showing my age. That was a bad pun on the old TV show Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.

And Ringo, we musta gone to diffrent' schools together.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 12-15-2002, 08:14 PM
Essured Essured is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
"like shit off a chrome shovel"

"goes like the powers of piss"

"as tight as a nun's nasty"

"sticks like shit to a wet blanket"

"uglier than a hatful of arseholes"

"that's one sperm that should've been swallowed"

"so ugly even the stick wouldn't touch her" (in response to the beaten hard with the ugly stick saying)

"Considering it's the Ford version..." (lesser quality version - car manufacturer joke)
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 12-15-2002, 08:48 PM
Roadwalker Roadwalker is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Describing my students on a Friday or close to a long break:
Hyper like moths on a porchlight.
Reply With Quote
  #31  
Old 12-15-2002, 09:08 PM
SandyHook SandyHook is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Uglier (or dumber) than a bucket of butt holes.
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 12-16-2002, 12:43 AM
mandigordey mandigordey is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
I find as a Southern woman transplated to LA that the following comment just causes dropped jaws and dumb looks from these western yankees.

"Yall are so stupid that if I shoved your brain up a flies ass it would rattle like a beebee in a boxcar!!!".
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 12-16-2002, 12:44 AM
mandigordey mandigordey is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
You came out of the shallow end of the gene pool.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 12-16-2002, 12:55 AM
Dread Pirate Jimbo Dread Pirate Jimbo is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Apparently my great-grandfather was fond of saying:

Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets full first.
__________________
Being invisible is the best! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
-Son of the Invisible Man
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 12-16-2002, 01:04 AM
Sinyster1 Sinyster1 is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
I'm gonna bounce back like rubber-maid

Everyone throw your hands in the air as if there were no repercussions

I'm out like a fat girl playing dodge ball...
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 12-16-2002, 01:24 AM
Somnambulist Somnambulist is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Frugality: ‘Tighter than a camel’s ass in a sandstorm’
Perspiration: ‘Sweating like a rapist’
Smugness: ‘Like a dog with two d*cks’
Close shaves: ‘Missed it by a gnat’s c*ck’
Astonishment: ‘F*ck my old boots’ …(where did that come from??)
Gambling (disproportionate wins/losses): ‘Eat like a mouse, sh*t like an elephant’
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 12-16-2002, 02:57 AM
Pollo Boyo Pollo Boyo is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
re: intellect
"Boy's about as sharp as a bag of wet gerbils."
"Not the quickest McNugget in the toolshed."

re: confrontation
"I'm gonna drop you like a prom dress."
"I'll ride you like a sled, b****!" Especially funny when spoken by a gentleman commonly referred to as 'Waffles'.

re: agrressive
"If you were any more of a tool, you'd have a lifetime warranty from Craftsman." -- I was saving that for a pit rant, but oh well.
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 12-16-2002, 06:26 AM
LouisB LouisB is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: Seminole, FL
Posts: 8,185
I'm gonna land on you like a duck on a June bug.

I'm gonna land on you like ugly on an ape.

I'm gonna land on you like white on rice.
__________________
LouisB
Timor Mortis Conturbat Me
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 12-16-2002, 07:08 AM
tanookie tanookie is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2002
Hmm...

My father in law always says "we're off like a herd of turtles" whenever all of us are on the way somewhere.

My grandfather was fond of "kids cats dogs and women" as his "I'm exasperated" phrase

Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 12-16-2002, 07:49 AM
TheLoadedDog TheLoadedDog is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Very busy: Flat out like a lizard drinkin'.
Of a crazy person: A few 'roos loose in the top paddock.
Of an eccentric person ( a play on "a few cents short in the dollar"): The dollar's all there, but it's all in small change.
Of a frugal person: Tight as a fish's arse swimming upstream.
Of an unpopular person: 'bout as welcome as a fart in a lift.
Of bad food: Ya wouldn't feed that to a [insert derogatory term for member of nationality Australia has gone to war with] on ANZAC Day.
Curse: May yer chooks turn to emus, and kick ya dunny down!
Of an unattractive person: As ugly as a hat full of arseholes.
Of a simple task: As easy as shitting in bed, and kickin' it out with yer left leg.
Of a bimbo: All tits and toenails like the barber's cat.
Of a disorganised person: Couldn't organise a root in a brothel.
__________________
Chat to the Australian and New Zealand Dopers at G'Dope ('merkins and sundry furriners more than welcome). "Check them out" - Cecil Adams
Reply With Quote
  #41  
Old 12-16-2002, 08:26 AM
cybersnark cybersnark is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
"That sucks like a bucket full of ticks!"

Ewwwwwwwwwww!
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 12-16-2002, 08:31 AM
Go alien Go alien is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2002
Quote:
Originally posted by Somnambulist
Astonishment: ‘F*ck my old boots’ …(where did that come from??)
I use that one, and the polite company version: "Well, seduce my ancient footwear"

Dunno where it came from, I first heard in the RAF about 25 years ago.
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 12-16-2002, 10:37 AM
delini8r delini8r is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2000
You can't polish a turd.
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 12-16-2002, 10:50 AM
Honey Honey is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Adirondacks ♀
Posts: 2,794
"Too poor to buy a louse a pair of leggings"
"I'm so poor, I can't afford to pay attention"
"As nervous as a dog shittin' peach pits"
"Colder than a witches tit"
"As dumb as a box of rocks"
"He has the brains of an ice cube"
"She's so ugly, she could stop an 8 day clock"
"She'd f*** a snake if it had ears to hang on to"
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 12-16-2002, 11:00 AM
minor7flat5 minor7flat5 is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Trenton, NJ
Posts: 3,511
That's slicker than snot on a doorknob!

Faster than goose shit through a tin horn.

Well, I'll be dipped in monkey shit!
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 12-16-2002, 11:26 AM
Jake Jake is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: NC, USA
Posts: 3,394
Dumb: "Not the sharpest tool in the shed" or "One brick short of a full load"

Skinny: "He's so skinny he has to run around in the shower just to get wet!"

Old: "Older'n Water" (Or dirt) or "I may be old but I'll be around to piss on your grave!"
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 12-16-2002, 11:35 AM
lovelyluka lovelyluka is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
How my boyfriend's brother spoke of his ex...

"She's so ugly, it looks like someone beat her face with a bag of nickels."
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 12-16-2002, 11:44 AM
bluecanary bluecanary is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: London, England
Posts: 1,526
On sitting on a too-big chair: "Like a pea on a drum"

On shooting pool successfully: "Gently gently catch a monkey"

On not getting answers wrong in German lessons: "Don't be a duck-egg"

On Jenga: "It's gyrating like a disco diva"
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 12-16-2002, 12:34 PM
Toby-T Toby-T is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
colder than the shady side of a witch's tit in a brass bra doing push-ups in the snow.

hotter than a half-f#ck*d fox in a forest fire

two of my bro-in-laws favorites
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 12-16-2002, 01:00 PM
MSU 1978 MSU 1978 is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
It's as dark as your pocket.

Slicker than deer guts on a doorknob.

Busier than a one armed paper hanger with an itchy back.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:50 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

Send questions for Cecil Adams to: cecil@chicagoreader.com

Send comments about this website to: webmaster@straightdope.com

Terms of Use / Privacy Policy

Advertise on the Straight Dope!
(Your direct line to thousands of the smartest, hippest people on the planet, plus a few total dipsticks.)

Publishers - interested in subscribing to the Straight Dope?
Write to: sdsubscriptions@chicagoreader.com.

Copyright © 2013 Sun-Times Media, LLC.