Okay, I'm approaching six months separated...

[papergirl]

and I think it's going to be permanent.

Things continue to be peaceful at home. My husband has moved to a new place with only one roommate--another split up or divorced guy--and that seems to work better when he has the kids over.

We've worked out the finances, although it will take several months for it all to fall into place. Basically, he'll make the house payment and I'll pay the utilities, etc. I'm taking over a few more each month, so the shift is gradual. Luckily, the van only has a couple of payments left, so I won't be too overwhelmed by bills. Hopefully, at least. I have contingency plans in place, in case I find I can't make it.

He's still sad about the separation, but I think he's beginning to find that he's actually happier NOT living with me. We seem to bring out the worst in each other. And I'm so much happier that I feel like I have to play it down a little bit, because I don't want to hurt his feelings further. I have a feeling--a hope, at least--that if/when he gets involved with someone else, he might be able to avoid some of the behaviors that caused so many problems in our marriage.

The kids are all doing well with it, the older boys especially (who are his stepsons) because they often bore the brunt of his anger. The babies don't seem to notice much of a difference--they actually see more of him this way, and he's better tempered when he's around them since we aren't fighting all the time.

All in all, it's a very good update, I think. I've left the issue of filing for divorce up to him--I don't have any strong feelings about it except that I hate to hassle with the legal stuff, so I'm happy to stay separated and basically emotionally divorced for a while. We've agreed that we each okay with dating, etc, so that shouldn't be an issue.

And I guess we'll see what comes next...but the waiting is much more tolerable now than it was when he was living here, and I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And a big thank you, Dopers, for all of your support when I was going through some tough times about my marriage and the separation. I'll never forget your kindness.

Best,
karol

[Cosmopolitan]

I hope it all works out in the best way possible, whatever that way might be. Good luck!

[NinetyWt]

:lighting a candle in hope for Karol & her ex's continued smooth sailing:

Some bumps and thumps lie ahead, but I think the worst part is behind you now. Onward and upward.

[moi]

Bodypoet, I'm not aware of your previous threads, but I just wanted to pop in and wish you the best of luck in your new life.

And (with hopes that this isn't too awkward), a bit of a "thank you" for being a parent willing to go the route of separation/divorce; I know there's no shortage of divorce in the US, but I often hear a lot of pressure put on parents to "stay together for the children." As a child of divorcees, I think its much more important to model healthy relationships for your kids.

Anyway, good luck to you and yours, and I'm glad some of the great people here have been supportive to you.

[irishgirl]

Karol, you've said some lovely things to me in other threads, so I just want to pop in here and wish you well for the future.
You're a wonderful lady, and you deserve all the good things life has in store for you, I'm sure there will be many good things to come.

[papergirl]

*sniff*

Thanks, guys. It's been a rough couple of days, as he's gone from depressed to angry.

It makes me very, very aware that I'm doing the right thing. Sitting around with an angry, silent, withdrawn partner is just not the way to a healthy happy family.

It'll get better...I just have to wait it out a bit.

[Leifsmama]

I'm glad to hear that things are happier for all of you. I remember when my Dad left, God! Things were so much nicer around the house it was almost sad how happy we all were. Then we got another cat to replace Dad and that was good too.

[papergirl]

Leifsmama, how did you know I was thinking about getting another cat?

It's definitely a happier household. And it IS kind of sad, in a way. This certainly didn't turn out the way I wanted it to...but at least it's getting better now.

[Leifsmama]

Do it, it's good for the soul.

[ArrMatey!]

Body-

As you can see, you've (in the words of the song) "Got brothers and sisters who care..." I for one wish you all the best, and will definately be here both on the forums and via email if you wanna talk. Hugs to ya, and some leftover pie and footie PJ's from the SDMB comfort party.

[IDemandBeer]

I know how you feel, bodypoet. My ex and I separated for an entire year, got back together for a year, and finally realized that "it" wasn't there anymore. We separated again, for good this time; that was 8 months ago. I'm officially divorced now, and we're both happier for it. However, it was an emotionally draining experience at first; when you've been with someone that long, you feel hollow inside when they're gone, regardless of the wisdom of separation.

It does, however, get better with time. Hang in there, all will be well.

--IDB

[Eva Luna]

Good luck, and a reminder from a child of divorced parents (well, OK, I'm 34, so I guess I'm not a child anymore, unless you count the "inner child"): it sure sounds like you made a long and sincere effort to make it work with your husband, but it really does take two. IMO kids are far, far better off with a happy primary caretaker than they are in a house filled with misery and emotional violence. Count me in the camp of those who don't understand why people stay in miserable marriages "for the children"

If you need to start another Comfort Party, I've got a whole bookshelf full of cookbooks to try out! In the meantime, I'm sending some Virtual Chicken Soup...

[papergirl]

Thank you all for reminding me about the best reason I have for making this break: it was unhealthy for the kids. I worried because the older two so often seemed to draw his attention when he was feeling in a mood to strike out; and the babies because I simply didn't want them to grow up and have relationships like this one.
I'm going to spend some time taking care of myself and my family for a while, cultivating new friendships, finding my creativity again, and just generally healing.
Eva, I may indeed be starting another Comfort Party! Overall I feel good, but there are sure moments when I need a little support. And I'm just tired.
[hugs everyone and heads for bed]

[Persephone]

((((Karol))))

I'm glad things are getting better. You're giving me hope.

Much love,
Cristi

[DaToad]

bodypoet, I'm happy to hear things are getting better for you and your kids. I wish you all the best.

DT

[scout1222]

Karol,

Just another pile-on of gladness that things are looking up.

[ivylass]

bodypoet, I remember your first thread about this. I am so glad you have found some happiness and peace.

I hope you and your ex can be friends for the kids' sake. We're here when you need us.

[Zanshin]

bodypoet, glad to hear that you and your husband are both happier. I hope all goes well for you and your family in the future.

[Francesca]

Hi bodypoet. We haven't interacted much but I've been following your progress and I'm really glad you're confident you made the right decision (and you clearly did) and that things are working out okay for you.

[Beadalin]

That's wonderful to hear. Thanks for the update-- I think of you often.