Batman vs. Mike Ditka and the Chicago Bears. Who wins?
Normal-sized Ditka?
Duhhh, Batman. No contest.
He’s got cooler gizmos and gadgets.
Well, since Batman is from Gotham, that technically makes him a New Yorker…
Da Bears win it while da Bat’s taking one last toke on his bat pipe.
I think the real Batman would beat the real “Fridge”.
However, I think the “Fridge” GI Joe figure would beat the Batman figure.
Mini-Ditka.
Wait, is it a team full of Mini-Ditkas, or just a mini-Ditka leading full-sized Bears?
If Ditka is in it, mini or life size, I gotta go wit’ Da Bears.
Da Bears still suck!
Brett Favre and the Packers will beat them any old day! Ditka, no Ditka, mini-Ditka, it doesn’t matter!
Packers rule and Bears suck!!!
Ron Kramer was a better tight end than Ditka, anyway.
Gotta go with Ba Bearsss.
Gotta be Da Bears…all while the “Super Bowl Shuffle” plays in the background.
“Sack mans coming, im your man Dent,
if your quaterbacks slow, hes gonna get bent…”
Batman, as usual, does not stand a chance. I’m willing to bet he’s never played a team sport in his life. He grew up a pampered rich kid in a mansion. Can you picture him and Alfred playing full-contact football in the backyard? I’m willing to bet that not only has Batman never played football, but that he could easily be bested by the Gotham High School team. No, his sad lonely childhood could not prepare him to take on a team of well-trained, overpaid professionals.
It would go down like this:
Batman wins the coin toss and chooses to receive. His attempt to return the kickoff ends with Batman buried under a pile of huge, sweaty men. As the referees peel the players off the pile-up, the tortured form of Batman is finally revealed. He lies on the grass in agony, gasping for air. He will begin his offensive drive at the twenty-yard line.
Batman snaps himself the ball and attempts to run with it. He breaks through the defensive line, kicking and punching the way he does so well. The Bears, completely unprepared for this level of barbarism, start dropping like flies. Batman is called for a Rough Play foul. He loses 25 yards and is disqualified. When he is later interviewed on ESPN and asked to defend his conduct, all he can say is “I’m Batman.”
Although Batman should no longer be able to play at this point, the Bears are feeling generous and insist that the game continue. Batman is informed of the rules and play begins again on the twenty-yard line. This time, Batman goes for a pass. He lobs one out to Robin. However, not knowing the first thing about football, Batman tries to throw the ball like he would a Batarang. The Bears stare in disbelief as the pass goes about ten yards. It is easily intercepted by the Bears and run back for a touchdown. At this point, Batman wishes that his mask covered his entire face so the cameras couldn’t see his feminine blush of embarrassment.
But what has become of Robin? Further down the field, the ambulance drives out and the Boy Wonder is placed on a stretcher. Apparently, that skimpy circus outfit didn’t have the kind of padding you need in a professional football game. Robin is rushed to the nearest hospital, but it is too late. Batman beats himself up over it. Little thought bubbles appear over his head that say “Robin! That should have been me! You died trying to complete my play!”
At this point pretty much everyone has lost interest in the game. What follows is an orgy of scoring by the Bears. Batman takes a lot of hits and sets a new record for negative yards. The footage is sent to America’s Funniest Home Videos, but does not win because it is more pathetic than amusing. However, the clips of Batman being tackled again and again develop a cult following. They are circulated on the Internet endlessly and are occasionally digitally manipulated so that it looks like Batman is being raped by a polar bear. Thoroughly humiliated, Batman quits his crimefighting career and becomes a recluse. Sitting in his mansion night after night, he nurses thoughts of ways to defeat his new arch-nemesis: The Bears. Eventually he realizes that it is futile and dies a lonely death.
So, yeah. Da Bears win.