Dopers must know quite a few of these. I here post my favorite from B.C., with the apteryx talking to a dinosaur:
APTERYX: Hi, there I am an aspirin…
(dinosaur starts laughing)
APTERYX (shouting) An APTERYX!!!
DINOSAUR: Hahahahaha…I liked you better as an aspirin!
(Apteryx walks away, then comes back to try again)
APTERYX: Hi, there, I am an aspirin!
DINOSAUR: What happened to “Apteryx”?
APTERYX: Being “liked better” is more important. 
I know just about everyone here has professed a hatred for Garfield…but sometimes he hits one. My favorite:
Panel 1: Jon is reading a magazine, which is lying on the table. Garfield is walking toward him.
Panel 2: Garfield is standing on Jon’s magazine. They’re starting at each other, bland expressions on their faces.
Panel 3: Garfield still looks bland. Jon hollers, “I was reading that!” Garfield: “Nobody cares about your past, Jon.”
Makes me laugh just typing it…
Willy n’ Ethel
Willy is eating a whole pizza wrapped up.
“Face it Ethel, losing that pizza cutter was the best thing to ever happen to us.”
hehehe
“The idea of a walk-in closet sounds frightening. If I’m ever sittin’ at home and a closet walks in, I’m gettin’ outta there.” ~George Carlin
One of the greatest:
“East is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.” – Marx
Read “Sundials” in the new issue of Aboriginal Science Fiction. www.sff.net/people/rothman
Bizaro comic, I think:
a father and his son are sitting on the edge of a pond, fishing one lazy afternoon. The son speaks up to say, “Dad, how can I have better luck with women?”
The father replies, “Son, no man has good luck with women. What you want to know is how to have bad luck with more women.”
Mayor of Snerdville, the home of Mortimer Snerd
“I’m just too much for human existence – I should be animated.”
–Wayne Knight
This one’s from The Quigmans a few years back:
Andy Taylor and Barney Fife are sitting on a porch swing with their hands held out in front of them. Andy says, “Did you ever REALLY look at your hands before, Barn?”
The caption underneath: “Mayberry, L.S.D.”
“It’s only common sense,
There are no accidents 'round here.”
Ok, these are stupid but what can I say? They are both Far Side (I think)
The first one has a station wagon full of lemmings and they’re all arguing and the “Dad” lemming who is driving says, “If you kids don’t sit down and shut up I’m going to drive this car right off a cliff!”
The next one shows two vultures getting on an airplane and the stewardess says, “Any luggage?” and one of the vultures says, “No, just carrion.”
I can’t help it, I almost cry (laughing)everytime I see those!!
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.
The Quigmans:
2 dogs are talking, one is looking thru a book called ‘fun ed courses’. the other says, ‘i wanted to attend the codependency workshop, but i couldn’t find anyone to go with me.’
POGO: (the classic)
‘we have met the enemy & they are us.’
My first thought was just about any Calvin and Hobbes… I have the tenth anniversary book, while it would take WAY too long to type in all that humor I will settle for Calvins haircut.
Calvin: I cant get this stupid hair to comb right. See how it sticks out in back?
Hobbes: Maybe you need a haircut.
Calvin: Yeah, but barbers never cut it the way I want. (Calvin sits in chair while Hobbes snips away…) Boy what a great idea! Thanks!
Hobbes: This is easy! You really think your mom will pay me eight bucks? So exactly how would you like the back cut?
Calvin: Just trim the part that sticks out and taper it a little.
Hobbes: Wouldn’t you rather have it real short?
Calvin: No, just cut it a little bit.
Hobbes: Are you sure? Dont you think it should be real short? It looks like it should be real short.
Calvin: Are you trying to tell me something?
Hobbes: No, I just think it should be real short… especially… oh… right here.
Calvin: You made a mistake, didnt you?
Hobbes: No, I can cover it up.
Calvin: Cover WHAT up? What did you do wrong?
Hobbes: Nothing. I cant help it if your head has funny bumps that make the scissors go screwy.
Calvin: YOUR heads gonna have “funny bumps” in a minute if you dont tell me what you did!!
Hobbes: Oops… hold still.
Calvin: Why did you say “oops”? What did you do NOW?
Hobbes: Nothing… lets try parting your hair from ear to ear.
Calvin: This haircut had better look good, fuzz brain.
Hobbes: You’ll love it. Its kind of “new wave”.
Calvin: New wave? Like how?
Hobbes: Well, sort of “punk” actually.
Calvin: Like a mohawk?
Hobbes: In some places its sort of like a mohawk.
Calvin: I want a mirror.
Hobbes: You know whats the rage this year? Hats.
(Calvin sees his haircut…)
Calvin: LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY HAIR! IT LOOKS LIKE IT WAS CUT WITH A WEED-EATER!
Hobbes: Nothing a little tonic and combing cant fix.
Calvin: GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MENACE! If mom sees this, she’ll blow her blood vessels! What am I going to do?
(Hobbes wraps a cloth around Calvins head)
Hobbes: Hows that? Sort of the “Lawrence of Arabia” look.
Calvin: Sort of the “lobotomy patient” look.
I hope Bill Watterson forgives me, but that still is really funny… the pictures just add more to it!
“Wow! Spider-Man! Are you really friends with the X-men?”
"Not since Cyclops tried to use my viewmaster."
(Marvel Team Up #1)
I have two that have been pinned to my bulletin board for at least five years:
BC: Two folks watch a third roll by on a wheel. He’s holding a pane of glass in front of his face, and two snakes are attached to the pane. One of the onlookers comments to the other, “Windshield vipers.”
Momma: Francis walks in on Momma cooking, and says, with a big grin on his face, “Guess what! Today my boss called me a ‘First class ignoramus!’” Momma drops her pan and stares blankly for a panel or two. The smile vanishes from Francis’s face, and he says, “That’s not a good thing?”
And I could probably come up with dozens of Bloom County, Far Side and Dilberts that crack me up, but those two stick out for me.
Chaim Mattis Keller
ckeller@kozmo.com
“Sherlock Holmes once said that once you have eliminated the
impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be
the answer. I, however, do not like to eliminate the impossible.
The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it that the merely improbable lacks.”
– Douglas Adams’s Dirk Gently, Holistic Detective
I saw this cartoon in a magazine (Atlantic Monthly or Esquire maybe) seven or eight years ago. Oddly, there was no credit for the author or artist, and it was just sort of stuck in the back as if they were filling space. I think it is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, although I seem to be the only one who feels this way. My girlfriend had it framed and it hangs in my bathroom, yes, this is how I start my day.
The cartoon is titled “Vulture: An Existential Fingerplay.” There is a graphic of a vulture with a dotted circle at the shoulders where the neck and head would be and a dotted line around the whole panel. At the bottom there are four directions:
- cut along dotted lines.
- Insert and crook finger.
- Hold panel over your head.
- Think about all the things you still haven’t done in your life.
This kills me, I’ve seen it thousands of times and I never get tired of the joke (probably I’m just too afraid not to laugh).
martin
Calvin & Hobbes, running around the house playing cowboys, with pointed fingers for guns. “BANG!” “BANG!”
Calvin: “I got you!”
Hobbes: “No, you missed.”
Calvin (stopping the running to argue): “Yes, I did! I got you!”
Hobbes (now standing right next to Calvin): “No, you missed me!”
Calvin: “I got you, and you’re dead.”
Hobbes: “I’m standing here talking to you, aren’t I?”
Calvin: “All right, then.” (at point-blank range with the finger) “BANG!”
Hobbes, serenely “My, what a terrible shot you are.”
From Nicole Hollander’s Sylvia:
Client: I’m thinking of moving in with my boyfriend.
Fortuneteller, gazing into crystal ball: I see you trekking to Nepal in ill-fitting boots.
Client: That’s a metaphor, isn’t it?
Fortuneteller: 'Fraid so.
I love that
Catrandom
Can’t believe I almost forgot this one, from Doonesbury, some time in 1988:
Roland Hedley: Mr. President (Reagan), as you look back upon your eight years in office, is there one sentence in which you can sum up the essence of your leadership?
Reagan: I don’t know.
Roland: Thank you, sir.
I happen to be a big fan of Reagan’s, but that one always cracks me up.
Chaim Mattis Keller
Today’s FAMILY CIRCUS:
Dolly is hopping up and down, sad expression on her face, holding on to her cold foot.
“In the winter, nobody should go around BRRfooted!”
That Bil Keane! What a scamp! How does he come up with these rib-ticklers day after day?
Ike—
Who d’ya suppose came up with The Family Circus’ dog’s name, Barfy? That’s ALMOST funny, so it can’t have been Keane . . .
My favorite is from Calvin & Hobbes. Calvin’s happily walking outside in the winter. Then he stops, feels his nose, and frowns. Then he asks the reader, “Don’t you hate it when your boogers freeze?” 
Wrong thinking is punished, right thinking is just as swiftly rewarded. You’ll find it an effective combination.
Sylvia:
The Devil Talks About Hell
Devil: Many people have asked me, is there glasnost in Hell?
[pause]
Devil: Nope, there isn’t.
Damned Soul: Many of us feel that the temperature should be lowered.
Devil: Oh really? Too bad.
Fusco Brothers
Brother 1 (in kitchen, to Brother 2): Where is the bread?
Brother 2: Top of the muffins.
Brother 3 (entering kitchen): Top of the muffins to you!
“Calvin’s happily walking outside in the winter. Then he stops, feels his nose, and frowns. Then he asks the reader, “Don’t you hate it when your boogers freeze?””
—Oh, I’m pretty sure the author lifted that line straight from Noel Coward’s “Design for Living . . .”
From the Fusco Brothers:
Dog: “Knock knock”
Lars: “I give up”
Dog: “Lars, the proper response to a knock knock joke is not ‘I give up’”
Lars: “I wasn’t responding to your joke. You just happen to catch me at the exact moment, when in life, I gave up.”.