I’ve met this outstanding young lady. I happen to think the world of her. I’m reasonably certain that she is my “perfect” other.
The problem is, as happens sometimes, I don’t think that she feels anywhere close to the same way. I mean, we spend a lot of time together (considering we met only 3 weeks ago, we’ve talked or been together maybe 15 our of the last 20 days), and she calls me to hang out and all that. We get along unbelievably well.
Unfortunately, I’m reasonably certain that the whole “going beyond friends” thing isn’t recriprocal. I’m of the mind that, if a gal is interested, she’ll make it plenty obvious and fairly easy for a guy to move things forward. I’m also of the mind that a guy has no business having a “heart to heart” with someone, as that is never going to get a guy where he hopes it might.
So…the question is…what does a guy do? There’s plenty of the mind, I think, that you be friends and take “what you can get”. Others would tend to think that if you hang on, you never know what might happen. That’s not really my way. If it’s not there now, I think a guy is fooling himself to think it might grow into something in the future, except in rare circumstances.
Again…what does a guy do? Should he just try to see the gal less, so that he doesn’t have to go through the torment of wanting something that isn’t and likely will never be there. Does he just stop hanging out entirely? Does he take what he can get like some kind of street beggar?
First off, you’ve only known her for three weeks. Get over this perfect other crap. I dated girls for months who I thought were my perfect other and they ended up being manipulative psychopaths. You have to give another person at least a few months to reveal their craziness.
**
How much of the whole dating thing have you experienced? I once had a girl who was crazy in love with me show me by constantly making fun of me (in a fun way, we were friends) and responding to my friendly, generic flirting by saying she’d never go out with me so I should give up. Then one day, she talks to me and says, “Neurotik, you obviously haven’t been picking up the signals I’ve been sending, so I’m just going to tell you I really like you and I think we should go out some time.”
In short, girls are crazy and don’t count on them to make things easier or clearer. (Of course, the same probably goes for men, too.)
Again, how much experience do you have with dating women? Chicks dig that stuff. As long as it’s not happening all the time. Nobody likes that. If you really like her, then you need to tell her you’d like to move things on a bit. Although, I would leave that “perfect other” stuff out. It may be creepy after only a few weeks.
**
Don’t be ridiculous. I’ve had several friendships with women grow into something more serious when there was nothing in the beginning. Happens all the time.
**
Well, you have three options.
Wait it out and see what develops on it’s own. Maybe the girl will make it obvious how she feels about you in time. Or maybe it will grow into something. Either way you get to hang out a lot of with someone you enjoy and that’s always nice. Low risk of scaring her away with this method.
Be a man and tell her how you feel. Either she’ll agree, she won’t agree but still wants to hang out, or she’ll be creeped out and gets scared off. There’s some risk of blowing the whole thing with this one, but also a real chance of having a relationship now.
Be a coward and stop seeing her.
I think 1) is your best bet. Just hang out for a while and not worry about dating. Your feelings may change. If you still feel the same way in a month or two, then go with 2).
“Reasonably certain”? You want her to make it “obvious and fairly easy” for you, not considering the possibility that she’s just as conflicted and uncertain about you and your feelings as you are about hers? She’s not calling you up to hang out with you because she hates you.
For christsake, pull up your socks, and
** Kiss the girl, damnnit!**
If she slaps you, then you know where you are, anyway.
Gah! No way! Well, not always. I was usually really shy about letting a guy know I was interested.
How about taking her out for dinner? Make it somewhat obvious that it is a “date.”
Take her someplace nice. (Let her know in advance so she can dress up a bit.) Give her flowers. Have a possibly-romantic after dinner activity planned, like walk along the shore or something, but don’t tell her about it. If she seems to be responding to the romantic/date stuff, then at the end of the dinner, you can suggest the activity. If not, then you can take her home, and thank her for a lovely evening.
If you play it right, you can kind of have it both ways. If she seems to be responding, then you’re in like Flynn. If not, you can just enjoy the good meal and good company. If (Og forbid) she takes the opportunity to tell you that she doesn’t like you “that way,” you can just tell her that you just wanted to have a nice evening out, and that you weren’t expecting anything.
Studmuffin and I knew each other for 14 months before we kissed. He is the hottest lover I have ever had and the one true soul mate and love of my life…you never know what might develop.
“Somewhat obvious” doesn’t work. There was a woman I was friends with. I gave her flowers (on Valentine’s Day, no less) and invited her to the opening of a play. She accepted, and then later asked me if she could bring another guy.
No waffling. Plan a nice evening, but nothing overwhelming, and ask her for a date. Make sure she knows it’s a date.
What makes you so certain she doesn’t want to be more than friends?
You’re probably right if you think this. But…
If there’s any ambiguity, and you can’t just ask her straight out, take her out on a friday night dinner and a movie date. Something that is very obviously a romantic dating type situation.
What you need to do is make things develop quickly, because it’s the ambiguity that’s gonna turn you into a stalker if you’re not careful
You get what you truly expect. Sounds to me like you don’t expect much to develop from this relationship so you will get exactly that, not much.
If she really is the girl/woman for you, then nothing, I mean NOTHING will keep you from letting her know exactly that. True desire cannot be faked, and is a wonderful turn-on for most women.
That said, also remember that free advice is usually worth exactly what you paid for it. :smack:
Surprise her… the band she loves is coming to town, and you have two tickets? How can she refuse? (Always worked for me, provided you make sure she isn’t already going with someone else)
I have been on both sides of this fence (although not in a matter of 3 weeks) and I would not over do the first date. If she is teetering bringing flowers and taking her to an expensive place could possibly turn her off.
You want to keep it light but let her know you are interested in persuing more. Patience comes with the definition of more. Once you’ve broken the ice just let the relationship ride out how it should.
Be casual but direct. You never know, once you do get her you might find she isn’t what you wanted.
Wow, this really couldn’t be more wrong. What you’ve described is a recipe to not date very many people. I know – I was you a while back. (Not literally.)
Women like a guy who is confident. Confident guys do not hang back and hope that a girl they like will spell out their interest in smoke signals so that the guy can then ask them out without havin to take the tiniest risk. You want to date this girl. Grow some balls and ask her on a date. Nothing too extreme, maybe dinner or a movie. At the end of the evening, kiss her. Next time, don’t hang out with her for three weeks before you ask her out – the sooner, the better. Force yourself to be brave and take risks.
Sorry to scold – that’s the talk I wish someone had had with me when I was a young lad, so I hope it helps.
I agree with what <b>Giraffe</b> says. Definitely try to kiss her at the end of the date. Don’t puss out and kiss her cheek, try to kiss her on the mouth. If she turns away or gives you the cheek, sorry bud, it’s never going to happen. Girls don’t turn away from guys they are attracted to.
My only other advice is DO NOT talk about your feelings for her. This will only ultimately lower her interest in you. Play things light and breezy, even though you’re completely into her. Don’t let her catch on and she’ll like you more. Girls like men who are a challenge and a mystery. This isn’t to say never talk about your feelings (wait until you’re <i>much</i> deeper into the relationship), but talk about them too early and you risk turning her off. Girls will tell you they like a sensitive guy who talks about his feelings, but the truth is that they like a sensitive guy who talks about his feelings <i>as a friend</i>.
Good call, micahjn – play it cool. You can tell her you like her, you have a great time with her, that sort of stuff, but don’t go beyond that at first. Once you’re solidly dating, you can whip out the “perfect other” stuff, and it’ll be sweet and romantic. Whip it out too early and it’ll just freak her out.