Ask "The Straight Eye for the Gay Guy"

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

You look around and you’ll notice that a lot of gay guys need some help with their style, grooming, their taste in music, etc. So, in the grand tradition of “reality TV” and televised makeovers, I offer you “The Straight Eye for the Gay Guy.”

A disclaimer here: We’re not recruiting. We’re not out to convert you to our lifestyle. At least I’m not. Live and let live, I always say. Besides, I’ve heard too many chicks say “the best men are either gay or married.” So considering how many women like your style, I sure don’t want to convert you to straightdom and increase the competition. I just want to start a thread where people can ask a straight guy for tips and advice.

So let’s start dishing out those style tips.

FASHION
It’s no secret that a lot of gay guys need help here. I think I know what the problem is. They just reach into the closet and grab any old thing that has an impressive label on it. Well, if the sleeves of a suitcoat come down to your fingertips, or barely reach past your elbows, you look like a clown. Doesn’t matter what the label is. Remember, “If the suit don’t fit, Versace ain’t shit.”
Shoes. Nothing is more comfortable than old shoes. I got a pair of deck shoes that look like they were found on a Peruvian mummy. You’ll get them when you pry them from my cold, dead feet.

GROOMING
Don’t file your nails in the office. Just don’t. M’kay?
But on the last day of the month, I always clip my toenails. (No, not in the office.) I clip them more often if I’m going hiking. You see, a toenail can rub against the adjacent toe, and on long hikes it could wear away enough to cut your toe and start it bleeding. If you think this might happen, be sure to wear white socks, so you can show off the blood.

Skin care. I believe that the only straight guys who are permitted to exfoliate are the ones who have gone to prep school. I guess they teach it there.
Otherwise, skin care must involve pinching, picking, tearing and popping. As far a scented stuff is concerned, we use only the scents that girlfriends have given us. That means we have to make sure the right scent is applied for the right girlfriend. So when given a new bottle of cologne, it’s best to put some masking tape on the bottle and label it “Ashley,” “Melanie,” or “Heather” as appropriate. Mistakes in this regard are costly, and could leave permanent scars.
That’s about it for protecting your skin.

SPORTS. You can be a straight guy and not care squat about sports. The key is to find out what sports the other guys are talking about and then take this approach: “You watch baseball? What about football?” If they also watch football, just keep asking about some other sport, like Australian Rules Football. (This won’t work so well if you’re actually in Australia.) The typical fan of some obscure sport will positively jump at the chance to explain the rules to anyone unfortunate enough to be listening. Give 'em free rein, and you don’t have to say a thing.

As a last resort, bring up Irish Hurling. This will always result in bemused looks followed by lame jokes about drinking too much Guinness, then the topic switches to drinking and you’re home free. Unless there’s an actual fan of Irish Hurling, who will then jump at the chance to explain the rules to anyone unfortunate enough to be listening.

If you’re in the United States, you’re entitled to be bored by soccer. Don’t sweat it.

HOME DECOR.
The basics: Don’t buy so much breakable crap. If it’s delicate, it’s a threat. Straight guys like stuff that can take an errant basketball and all you have to do is pick it up and put it back. Extra points if it’s stain resistant. Or just colored so you can’t tell.

Other than that, forget all the stereotypes you have heard about straight guys’ decor. It does not consist of poker-playing dogs, neon bar signs and girly pictures. The truth is, the typical straight guys’ home decor is no decor at all. Why put stuff on the walls you can’t just paint over when spills and sprays get too thick? And if you put something on a wall, it’s like an admission of defeat that you will never put a home theater there. Straight guys decorate with electronics.
So keep it simple. You don’t have to dust walls.

Hot tip. Track lighting looks really cool. You guys ought to try it.

GUNS
Rifles are the big ones that take two hands. Pistols are the smaller ones that take one hand. Perhaps someone can supply us with symbolism to serve as a memory aid.
If you work in a fairly liberal environment, you don’t have to know much about guns. In fact, admitting that you own a gun is tantamount to saying you have an outhouse, a coon dog and a Chevy up on blocks. About the only liberal workplace where you will need to know a lot about guns is if you’re a rap music critic.

MUSIC
And speaking of music. The courts have widely held that it is not illegal for two consenting adults to enjoy opera in the privacy of their own homes. But the keyword is “consenting.” It is still illegal to inflict opera on someone who is unable to give informed consent. As it should be.
Also, if it doesn’t have some deep, personal meaning for you, Gloria Gaynor’s “I Am What I Am” sort of sucks. No need to hum it all day.

FOOD
If it tastes good, who cares how it looks.

That does it for my first installment of “Straight Eye for the Gay Guy.” Let me know if you have any questions.

2

I’m sure you think you’re such a clever boy. I can tell it by the way you wrote this.

Of course i’m sure this is all parody (and if it’s not, wow that’ super sad man).

But wow you sure have the stereotype nailed there, buddy.

3

The reviews of our first season are in – and all the critics agree: “wow … but wow …”

4

I think this made me laugh more than the OP, which I found quite clever anyhow.

5

Funniest line:

"And if you put something on a wall, it’s like an admission of defeat that you will never put a home theater there. Straight guys decorate with electronics. "

This gay guy is amused and takes it in the spirit it’s meant.

6

This is my rifle, this is my gun!
This is for fighting, this is for fun!

Well, almost. :frowning:

7

Dear Satisfying,
At work we are required to wear ‘business casual’ which usually means dark trousers and a button up shirt. How should I accessorize this look to give my look more individuality?

8

Dear Bippy:
One of the timeless classics of Straight Guy accessorizing is the tasteful, understated patch for the shirt. Select a patch with a white background and a simple red border. Have your first name stitched onto it, and sew it onto your shirt above the left breast pocket. A patch that says “Bippy” is a statement: “I’m customer oriented, and I take my job seriously. May I help you?” A crisp, smart patch will make you stand out from the crowd at the garage or loading bay.

Of course, many Straight Guys have discovered the secret of accessorizing with a baseball cap. It can be worn informally (the bill backward) for casual days, yet it easily converts to formal with the bill forward. This versatility makes it a must for the Straight Guy wardrobe. Also, the area above the bill provides room for important public-service announcements that will draw attention and admiration.

One caveat is the camouflage pattern. Because “camo” is associated with the outdoors, some workplaces find it a bit too informal. When in doubt, check with your Human Resources department.

But the pinnacle of Straight Guy accessorizing is the hand-tooled Tandy Leather™ belt. Be creative and go wild with the special lacing and stitching. And nothing impresses the chicks like being able to say “I made it myself!” Play your cards right, and they’ll be saying “What else can you do with your hands, Tiger?” Besides, what guys can resist the joy of wetting down a piece of leather, taking out their tools, and giving it a good pounding.

I hope that gives you all some ideas. As always, I’m glad to offer advice and answer your questions.

The Straight Eye for the Gay Guy.

9

:smack:

It’s a joke man.

a joke.

Not malicious…

Just parodying a show on TV.

Ease of the “self important/victim” coctail and perhaps have a valium…

10

Dear Straight Eye,

I’ve been thinking about beer bellies. Don’t have one myself (can’t stand the taste of beer) but I’m curious about proper display. Would you recommend trading in one’s wife-beaters for a size smaller, or would slinging the Wranglers below the equator be the way to go? The small shirt would have the advantage of also highlighting back and arm flab, but with the low-riding jeans…butt crack!

Please advise.

11

Dear Satisfying:

I already have a home theatre system. Can’t I accessorize my walls, just a little? I’ve had my eye on this wonderfully cute postmodern art deco cuckoo clock (all ceramic, and handmade in Libya!) on eBay, and I simply must have it.

12

Dear Otto:

Not all men have been blessed with the natural ability to grow a beer gut. Here are some tips for beer-gut wannabes. First, get you one them “guayabera” Mexican wedding shirts and wear it untucked. An awful lot of straight guys wear these untucked thinking they hide a beer gut (the don’t) so if you wear one, people will just assume you have a beer gut. A fundamental principle of fashion sense is fooling the eye.

Plus you can get these shirts in some real loud colors, for true straight-guy fashion smartness.

As for adopting a smaller wife-beater – my advice is no. Going with a smaller garment to hide a figure flaw is never a good idea. If you have that upper-arm flab, plus those few random hairs, then flaunt them. But if you don’t have them, you can never fake them with a smaller garment. Instead, go the opposite way. Get BIG clothes. Layer 'em. An XXXXL wife-beater, under an XXXXL T-shirt, under an XXXXL flannel shirt, under an XXXXL sweatshirt, under an XXXXL starter jacket. Then put a shirt on. Hey, if chicks are allowed to wear Wonder Bras, you’re allowed to do this. It’s not like you’re cheating or nothing. Just tell them you’re cold. What can they say – women are always feeling cold.

But if the lack of a beer belly is causing you serious emotional pain, my advice is to talk it over with a counselor and see if you are a candidate for implants. They make silicone-free beer guts these days ranging in size from Steven Seagal to Chris Farley. Now you can have the shape you’ve always envied.

(I know some people in this forum will flame me, saying I’m feeding the suffering they already feel for having six-pack abs. Well, lighten up, already. It’s not always about you, m’kay?)

Now for the important matter of butt cleavage. Most straight guys have a pretty good sense of when it is appropriate and when it’s not. On the basketball court, appropriate. At your niece’s christening, not. Some situations virtually demand an obligatory amount of butt crack, such as working under the sink. The key is knowing when.

The Straight Guy has a simple rule: If you’re repairing something, butt crack is acceptable. For formal situations, it usually isn’t. For guys with a tendency to forget when you’re allowed to crack-flash, match the situation to what you have in your hand. If it’s
For home repair,
You can bare.
Champagne glass,
Cover ass.

It’s really that simple. However, as with all matters of etiquette, there are always exceptions. I ran into one at a buddy’s funeral – I mean wedding. I was in a rented tuxedo, and a lot of straight guys will know that when the occasion calls for formal wear, you don’t want to be showing a lot of butt crack. But then my buddy asked me if I’d hotwire this backhoe, because one of his ex-wives had shown up drunk at the wedding even though he told her to stay away. And he wanted me to fire up that backhoe so we could toss her Honda Accord (formerly his Honda Accord) around a little bit.
Standing there in my tux, you can imagine what I said to this odd request. I said, shitchess! Most folks throw rice at weddings; we were gonna throw a ricer. So I crawled up on that backhoe and got to work, and I imagine I showed my share of butt crack there. But man, it was worth it. I been to so many weddings where the highlight is tossing a garter or a bouquet, but you shoulda seen the guests when a Honda went sailing by. Anyway, this exertion did have an effect on my rented tux, and the rental place was really nasty after I mailed it back to them – after wearing it as I fled to Cancun. With my buddy. In his luggage. We still can’t go back to Nebraska. Got a warrant out or something.

13

Dear Straight Eye:

As a straight woman, there’s nothin’ I like better than my man belchin’ and fartin’. But in my youth, I foolishly feel in love with and married a symphony-loving, croquet playing, prep school educated stuffed shirt and wine snob who has more manners than a picnic has ants. He’s so repressed that he leaves the room if a noisy bodily function seems even remotely possible. I’ve tried to feed him beans and broccoli, but he secretly takes Beano, (I know, I’ve seen the empty bottles hidden under the discarded containers of imported cheese and fois gras ). Straight Eye, what, oh, what can I do to make this man I love to release his inner emanations?

14

**Dear Space Butler **

Who says they can’t get good help in space, huh?

Well, you already got the home theater, right? Then it sounds like you are already providing for your home, so you are allowed to splurge on some non-necessary items. Just as long as you remember your responsibilities. Don’t go buying clocks if, say, you don’t yet have a portable, plasma-screen DVD player, a radio-controlled, scale-model Lamborghini Murcielago, a Harley-Davidson Nostalgic Flame & Eagle CD Jukebox and a decent pair of waterproof tower speakers for the shower. Once you take care of what you really need, you can buy some things you want.

That said, remember it would be a real bad decorating move to put that cuckoo clock near your home theater system. It could prove to be a distraction during passages of high drama or deep reflection. Imagine Steven Seagal giving that real deep speech at the end of “On Deadly Ground,” and all the sudden a little birdy appears over his head going “cuckoo, cuckoo.” It would ruin the moment.

Another matter is your taste in clocks. You say it’s a postmodern art deco cuckoo clock (all ceramic, and handmade in Libya!) And you’re asking me if you should get it? Well, as the Straight Guy, I have to say – YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING.

I mean, IT SOUNDS GREAT. I’d love to have one. The only downside is it was made over there in that country run by Gadhafi, but ever since we tried to put a bomb up his burnoose he hasn’t been so much trouble. You’re lucky I’m not jumping on e-Bay to outbid you, except I already want to get me one them Dale Earnhardt Racing Clocks because the legs stopped swinging on my Elvis Swinging-Leg Clock. I couldn’t have a cuckoo clock in the same room as my Dale Earnhardt Racing Clock because that clock has a little car that charges around the outside every hour and like the web page says it makes “real race sounds, which sound like your at the race.” Vroom/cuckoo, Vroom/cuckoo, Screeeeeeech/cuckoo.

That’s it for this episode of “Straight Eye for the Gay Guy.”
(theme song)
If you’re passin’
Or just interested in fashion,
Ask “Straight Eye for the Gay Guuuuuuuuy.”

15

Dear Kallessa:

Let’s see:

He doesn’t burp.

He doesn’t fart.

Say, can this guy perform in bed?

Actually, I think your husband might have a problem that he is hiding from you. The Beano bottles are just plants to mislead you. It sounds like your man is suffering from a problem we don’t really talk about. A problem shrouded in shame and secrecy. A problem called – Eructile Dysfunction. It’s the inability to produce an eructation when the mood calls for it.

No one knows what really causes Eructile Dysfunction. It can be brought on by stress, or by worry, lack of sleep, or watching Hugh Grant movies. The first step is to have an honest and open discussion with your husband. Tell him you love him no matter what, but your life would be fuller if he could achieve an eruction. Offer to help him. Pick a quiet time when you can be alone, then cuddle up, without any undue pressure, and just allow it to happen. Once he feels safe and secure, he’ll be blowing the covers into the ceiling fan in no time.

If that doesn’t work, your husband might have a problem that goes deeper – something that has inhibited and scarred him terribly – like a Catholic upbringing. Fortunately, for men who cannot achieve an eruction, there are a number of prosthetic devices available. Some of these marital aids are battery powered. Using them together, a couple can achieve marital bliss.

Oh, and if your husband just can’t get the hang of it, just remember – Ol’ Straight Eye knows how to please a woman like you.

That’s it for this episode. If any of you have fashion and style tips, don’t be afraid to ask “Straight Eye for the Gay Guy.”

16

Either you’re one funny dude, Andy, or else Kallessa’s one damned good straight man.

17

Dear Straight Eye,

Since we married a year ago, my husband has actually filled up his half of the closet. What’s that about? Where am I supposed to put my skinny pants? I would expect that the normal straight guy could put all the clothes he owns on a half dozen hangers, or preferably in a single drawer. Am I right, Straght Eye? Does he need to come out of the closet?

18

::wipes the tears outta her eyes and applaudes::

19

Actually, I’m a damn good straight woman.
Say good night Gracie.

20

Fellow Straight Guy,

I’m having trouble with shoe placement. When I remove my (New Balance Running) shoes upon arriving home, I leave them right where they are, as is proper, near the door. The problem is, I keep tripping over them when I go outside (in “socks only” form) to retrieve the groceries from the car. How can I solve this?