Damn Spot!

In My Humble Opinion
1

So over the past couple of weeks I finally came to the decision that yes, I am one of those homosexuals I’ve read so much about. I’ve spent the last 20 years or so trying to deny it in the hopes that I’d grow out of it or something, but apparently that doesn’t work.

It helped a lot that I met a guy who told me about his experiences coming out and convinced me that it doesn’t have to be that big a deal. I don’t have to change to fit some gay stereotype, I just have to be comfortable with what I like and stop lying about it. And best of all, stop being so paranoid that someone is going to discover My Terrible Secret.

I’m not all that concerned about my friends’ reactions. I’ve told one of my friends already, and he was cooler about it than I would’ve expected. Really happy for me and congratulatory and not the least bit uncomfortable with it. I guess it’s made easier by the fact that I live in San Francisco, but I like to credit myself for having good taste in friends. But since that went so well, now I want to tell everybody about it, and soon, and then get to life as normal.

And that’s where the question comes in. What’s the proper “coming out etiquette?” I’ve lived out here long enough, and been lucky enough, to have dozens people I’d consider to be good friends, but they’re never together in the same place at the same time. I’m definitely not going to throw a party or anything to “announce” it, but I’m too impatient to wait until I get together with each one and let it come up in normal conversation.

Is it inappropriate to tell someone over the phone? Is it appropriate to tell someone over e-mail, if they live in the same city? I have co-workers who I’d consider good friends, although we never hang out outside of work; is it appropriate to tell people over a work lunch? How do you broach the subject? “I have an announcement to make” seems overdramatic, but “Not to change the subject, but guess what, I’m a homo” isn’t quite right either.

And finally, how do you explain to somebody that you didn’t understand what was going on yourself? Like I said, I can’t imagine any of my friends would have a problem with my being gay, but I can see how they might feel like I’ve been lying to them or at best, shutting them out. There’ve been many, many times when I’ve said outright that I’m straight. My prepared answer is, “At the time, I believed it. And then I thought that if I said it enough times, it would be true.” The problem is that though that’s the truth, it sounds trite.

Maybe I’m overthinking the whole thing, but it’s been all I can think about for a while now. I’d be interested to hear how others (dopers or friends of dopers) came out, and also how you would or wouldn’t want to hear it if a friend or co-worker wanted to tell you he were gay.

2

Short of having something emblazoned across a t-shirt, I can’t think of any convenient way to slip your news into a conversation. Perhaps you could start wearing a rainbow pin and see if it leads to discussion?

At any rate - congratulations on finding the real you, and best wishes for a happy future.

3

SolGrundy I was all ready to give advice on removing ketchup stains. Imagine my surprise! :smiley:

Seriously, first congrats on becoming true to yourself. I don’t care what anyone says, admitting who you are to yourself is the big obstacle to overcome. I’ve been “out” for 30 years now. As to what to say, who to say it to, when to do it, etc. do it when it seems the right time. Not everybody has to know and over time it will become apparent to those who know you well.

Hell, to hear some folks tell it, sending out engraved invitations is the thing to do. I never worried about who I’m going to tell, how so and so will take it and all that. Some I did tell. I told close friends because telling the details of your life to friends is what friends do. Even then, I didn’t gather people up to make an announcement, I just did it when it seemed like the time was right. With family, I told my sister first, then my younger brother, then my two older brothers. Mom and Dad figured it out by themselves. After all, when 90% of their middle son’s “friends” are men, it becomes apparent after a while. I did eventually say something to them about just because I wanted to make sure they understood. Believe it or not, nobody fainted, put curses on me, burned crosses in my yard, told me to go away forever and such. It just became another piece of the puzzle that is swampbear in place.

As far as work goes, it is, first of all, nobody’s business that you don’t want it to be. If you have co-workers you want to tell, then by all means tell them when you feel it’s the right time to do so. As for me, I have never made a big ol’ announcement. Then again, I am almost 50 and never married. Some people will assume and guess what? I don’t care. Of course, showing up at after work things with a date who happens to be male kind of helps speed things along in that department. :smiley: Again, it’s been no big deal.

This a lot of rambling, I know. The gist of it is, tell who you want to tell when the time is right and you feel comfortable enough to say it. Just tell the truth. You are the same SolGrundy you’ve always been, but just added another piece to your puzzle.

You haven’t been lying to anybody. You’ve been trying to sort this out for yourself and finally came to grips with it. I think your prepared answer is excellent and you should stick with it.

I hope I’ve given you some words of encouragement. Again congrats and just keep on being you.

-swampbear

4

Hey, good for you. :slight_smile:

I was in a similar situation as you–in fact, I still am to a minor extent. I went out with girls for years before coming to grips with my sexuality. I wasn’t sleeping with women to hide the fact that I was gay–rather I did it because it was easy, it was what I knew, and I was too darn thick to realise what I am! Not quite the 20 years you spent, but long enough for everyone to assume I was straight.

I’m terrible at the advice thing, just I’ll stick to congrats and all the best.

5

Mr. Snicks and I went to visit a friend from college, meeting several other college friends there as well. One of these friends, H, told us that he was gay while it was just the three of us at a bar (everyone else was, well, elsewhere). H is a great guy, and he did it the “Guys, I have to tell you something” way. It’s not something that’s just going to “come up” in conversation, really, so you might have to bite the bullet and just start the topic.

He came out to Mr. Snicks and I first because I think he trusted us the most, and that meant a lot to me. And I know it was difficult for him because although he knew us really well (and thus knew how we’d react), he was still scared that we’d go all oogy on him. And I can see how he would be, but for us it wasn’t a big deal. Here’s hoping it won’t be a big deal for your friends and family, either.

Kudos to you, BTW. Good on ya, and best of luck.

Snicks

6

Why do you feel the need to tell everyone? I can understand telling close friends and family but is there really some pressing reason for everyone to now know you’re gay?

I can understand your excitement at finally realizing who you are and wanting to share it with everyone since I went through the same thing when I finally admitted I was bisexual but after thinking it through some, I realized my bisexuality wasn’t such a huge part of my psyche that I needed to wear it on my sleeve.

To give you an example of what I mean, do you go around advertising your political and religious leanings as well? If not, I see no reason to do so with your sexuality either.

No matter what you decide, I’m happy you’ve discovered yourself. Congratulations. :slight_smile:

7

Two Christmases ago, I got a call from an exboyfriend.

After 20 minutes of hemming and hawing, he finally told me he was gay. I congratulated him and our friendship is better now than it was before he came to his realization.

On the other hand… there is a friend of a friend who introduces herself as “Hi, I’m Kelly and I’m a lesbian” (her name isn’t Kelly, but she does use this exact phrase). Then, throughout any time spent with her, she describes her sex life in detail (sleeping with a married woman… healthy) and mentions that she’s a lesbian at least 5 more times every 20 minutes.

So, there’s coming out, and then there’s being obnoxious.

8

I’ve had three people come out to me before, and two of them handled it by quietly taking me aside when there was plenty of time for questions, and just spilling the beans. Something along the lines of “This may surprise you a little, but I really appreciate your friendship, and I wanted you to hear it from me first.” Different people will have different reactions, so be prepared for the full spectrum of reactions.

Also: I consider myself pretty straight and moderately well-informed, but for many of your friends, you may be their first gay friend. Even though they should know better, many will secretly suspect that you’re coming out to them and simultaneously hitting on them. I know, because until I assaulted the absurdity of the idea logically for a while, I harbored this same suspicion. Make sure you say something along the lines of “Don’t worry, I’m not going to hit on you. You’re cute, but you’re not my type.” One exception: if you actually harbor a crush on a straight friend, don’t tell him. It takes a seriously well-adjusted person to take that in stride, and the odds that you’ll freak him out are pretty good.

Other approaches that may work with very open-minded friends:

“Hey, do you have any gay friends? No? Well you DO NOW!”

“You know what I love about this mall? The guys are really hot. Oh, I didn’t tell you?”

“Yeah, I think gays should be allowed to serve openly in the military. But I’d look terrible in uniform.”

9

Thanks for the good wishes and advice. So far, people have been really cool, and the overwhelming impression I get is that my preoccupation with it all this time has been much ado about nothing. Apparently my sexuality wasn’t the matter of great debate I’d always imagined it to be.

It sounds like you’ve got it figured out, swampbear, and that’s great to hear. Especially from a fellow Georgian – my friends from back home have been just as cool about it as my friends from around here, but still it’s a little more comforting to be coming out in San Francisco, where I figure I’ve got the home field advantage*. After hearing so many horror stories about bitter divorces and families disowning their children, it’s great to hear another version that says it’s just not that big a deal.

Aesiron and FilmGeek bring up good points. I’ve never really understood the need to advertise your orientation to everyone; it’s always seemed like it should be a personal and private thing. I’m all for people being comfortable with themselves and I definitely don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of, but I don’t see the need to make a big show of it. Part of my problem, I think, is that until recently I’d never met or seen anyone who was openly gay and felt that I could identify with them. It seems foolish now, but I’ve thought, “Well, I’m not like that at all, so maybe something else is going on, or it’s just a phase, or some other excuse that sounds convincing in my head.”

And actually, that’s why I want to tell people – my being gay is such a small part of who I am, but having to worry about it and try to “overcome” it and try to keep it secret and deny it has meant it’s always at the front of my mind. I want to be able to just say look, it’s out there, and then get back to my normal life and worry about more important things.

And thanks for the post, Jurph; it hadn’t occurred to me before, but I realized that I really can’t imagine what it would be like to be straight and have a friend come out to me. Of the friends I’ve told so far, I haven’t felt the need to point out that I’m not attracted to them, but maybe I should have. And no, I would never tell a straight friend I was attracted to him (unless he asked me to be honest, and then only under duress). I “lived as straight” long enough to know that unwanted advances are unpleasant even from acquaintances, and with friends it’s just creepy.

*A couple of months ago I was flying home and was sitting on the plane next to another guy from Atlanta. He asked me how I liked San Francisco, and I told him the bay area was the most scenic place I’d ever been to, and he said something like, “Yeah, it’s nice, but I don’t think I could live there. A lot of people a little too light in the loafers if you know what I mean.” I didn’t have the heart to tell him that Atlanta has a much higher gay population than San Francisco does now, and it has for years.

10

One thing not to do:

I had a friend in college Ed. We had a group of friends that hung out and whatever every weekend and a lot during the week too. We were all pretty close. We all knew Ed was gay although he had never said so. Didn’t matter at all. He was just our friend. We went home for the summer. Ed lived pretty far off so we didn’t hear from him but he decided to come out during that time. We came back and got together for the traditional first night party. Ed didn’t show so we went to get him. He was home but the first thing he said was that he had come out over the summer and he didn’t want to pretend anymore. Every one of us was like Ed that is awesome I’m so happy for you. He had so convinced himself that we wouldn’t understand that even when we tried to explain he thought we were just being nice to his face and we would talk about him when he wasn’t around. he just couldn’t imagine bringing a male date to our get togethers. In short we lost a friend because of it. Sometimes the people you most fear telling will be the happiest for you.

You don’t sound like you have that problem but I just thought I would add that for anyone else reading this who is considering coming out. Anyway congrats and best of luck to you.

11

Because if we don’t speak up, no one will notice us. I long for the days when being gay is a non-issue on par with being brunette or tall, but they won’t come until more people realize that we are normal people, just like them. They may not know anything about gays except for what they see on TV during pride parades – they may have an incredibly skewed image of us – and one of the easiest ways to counteract that image is to be your normal self who happens to be gay.

For instance, I pass as straight very easily among those who don’t know any gay men, because I don’t flounce around the room (not that there’s anything wrong with my femme brothers), and because I’m fat, hairy, and fairly muscular; if I never told anybody that I was gay, then the people I know wouldn’t learn that we are just as diverse as any other group of people with any other inborn characteristic. We have too long been the invisible minority, and I do what I can not to be.

12

But, dude, your username is Bambi.

Just saying is all. :wink:

And yay to you SolGrundy.

13

And more power to you, if it works for you and you want to be in that position as a spokesman. Personally, I don’t feel any obligation to educate the world about homosexuality. I just wanted my friends to know (and, by the looks of things, everyone on the SDMB to know) so that I could acknowledge it and talk freely about what was going on without feeling like I was hiding anything. So that I could go on about someone I was falling in love with, without people’s being confused when I keep saying “he” and “him.” Or start asking me questions about sexual drive and long-term commitment that I would never think of asking a straight friend who was going on about his girlfriend or her boyfriend. (“So when you do it, is she on top or are you?” or “You’re actually trying a relationship? Doesn’t it make you nervous when you hear about women who are just swingers?”)

It’s like you said: so that it can be a non-issue.

But there are a hell of a lot of degrees between being in the closet and ashamed of yourself, and being on the lead float of the gay pride parade. And that’s what I’m talking about when I say “advertising” your orientation. I’m talking about people like the one FilmGeek mentioned; the woman who immediately tells you her orientation and constantly reminds you of it. That’s the opposite of making it a non-issue. It makes it so that it’s all other people can think about when they think of you, and it becomes how they define you. And it perpetuates the misconception that all homosexuals are all about sex, all the time.

By now, I’ve told all the friends I wanted to tell to get it out of the way. (Or at least start to get it out of the way). If it comes up in conversation, I’m going to acknowledge it. If someone asks me, I’ll tell them the truth. If someone says something offensive or just plain wrong, I’ll correct them with an example from my own experience. If somebody learns from me that not all gay men force themselves to fit a certain stereotype, great! That’s what convinced me to come out, after all. But being gay is just about the least interesting thing about me, so it’s sure as hell not the first thing I’m going to mention to someone. Any more than I’d say, “Hey, I’m SolGrundy and I’m a programmer” or “Hey, I’m SolGrundy and I’m from Georgia” or “Hey, I’m SolGrundy and I read comic books.” (Okay, the last one is a bad example, because I am kind of embarrassed about that.)

14

I agree about the degrees of difference. When I first came out of the closet, I came full-tilt out of the closet. I think it was a reaction to the sudden realization that I was gay and okay with it. I’ve settled into my life now without making it a major issue.

This is exactly where I am. I hope that you didn’t take my response earlier personally; I’m not the best writer on Earth. In reading your posts earlier, I didn’t get a good feel as to what your response would be were it to come up in the course of a conversation, or if someone were to make an offensive statement in your presence. I couldn’t tell whether you would say something or let it fall. That’s the kind of advocacy I engage in – quiet and personal, where I correct misconceptions that come up, or comment on the attractiveness of a male customer to a coworker, &c., which is much more effective than standing on a roof in assless chaps and screaming “I’M GAY” to the whole neighborhood, which is close to what a (former) friend of mine did.

When I came out, I told my family and my immediate circle of friends. The others who know have either seen my car (with a pride ribbon) or have heard it come up in conversation. It seems to be a total non-issue at work, which is what really surprised me. I work with mostly teenagers (I’m 25, 22 when I outed myself) in a retail environment, so I really didn’t know how they would react.

15

My favorite coming-out strategy. A fellow teacher of mine said, to a gathering of teachers, “I could use some advice. I’d like to come out of the closet in my classroom, let my students know that I’m gay, but I don’t want to be obnoxious about it or make it a big deal. Does anyone have any suggestions?”

She made us feel like of course we’d already known she was gay, and it was no big deal. Or more specifically, like everyone but you must have known. And made you feel wanted as well.