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Old 06-22-2004, 08:17 PM
Bear_Nenno Bear_Nenno is offline
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Bear_Napples attends uh weddin'! (Prepare to say "Holy Crap"... A lot)

Last Saturday was the magic day folks. As promised, I did attend the wedding. And I have stories and pictures for all. I will pick up the pictures from Wal-Mart and post them after it quits raining and my car dries off. Yeah, I left the top down again. Damnit!!! I just got rid of that mildew smell....

Anyway, here's the story. It might get long, but I promise what follows is the most awful backwoods wedding, countless acts of tackyness and tons of insensitive greed!

Remember that I only went to this thing for you guys. So be appreciative!

What to Wear
I desperately wanted to show up in cut-off camo shorts and a combed cotton tanktop, but Joy ( of Steave Joy) would not allow it. I pleaded and explained that everyone would be dressed this way!! She said I at least had to wear pants. So I found a vintage pair of Levi's 567 jeans (thanks Zette) complete with faded legs and a hole in my knee. I completed the ensemble with a button up shirt to be "all formal like". Despite my best efforts, I could not leave the house without wearing black socks, but I didn't kiwi my shoes.

Getting There
It's a good idea to provide directions on your wedding invitations. I believe the point of directions are so your guests do not have to look on a map. Why, oh why then, would a person start her directions at some unknown intersection??? If someone was going to give me directions to their house in Jacksonville, a good place to start would be with some exit off I-10 or I-95. That makes since. If someone gave me directions to their house in Michigan, I would never have to use a map provided they started with "Some Road" and I-75. Though I've never been there, I wouldn't need a map. I'd have directions. This makes sense to everyone else, right?
The directions start with "SR 54 and Little Road". Crap people... do I have to describe the insignifigance of "Little Rd"?? So I had to ask someone which way to turn on SR 54 to get to Little Rd. No big deal.
But the directions say to go SOUTH on Little Rd. I find out later (not quite too late, but I had to make a U-Turn) that it should read NORTH!! Christ, she can't even get the directions correct?? So I'm driving down the last street on her directions and I get to US Highway 19. US 19?!? A major freaking artery in Florida! So, basically, all her directions had to say was "1234 New York Ave. From State Road 54 and US Highway 19, go one block NORTH to New York Ave. Go West one block to Church of God." :Sigh:

It gets worse, I promise.
I arrive at 12:50, ten minutes before the bride and groom are scheduled to walk down the isle. There are two cars already in the parking lot. One is my mother. The other is the pastor. It's only ten minutes early!! My mom arrived 20 minutes early. The pastor, God Bless him, showed up at 9:30 in the morning at the request of the bride. She asked him to please get there three hours early so they could set up and decorate. He'd been at the church waiting all that time and never heard even a word from the bride. How nice of her.
1:00 roles around and people finally start showing up. It was like a car show for station wagons and trucks with huge tires. Primer seemed to be the color of choice! Several were making the statement that "Rust is the new Primer" but I'm not sure if it will catch on.

Wedding Time
2:00 arrives and we're all told to go inside the church. We had been standing outside all this time talking and having some wine. Woohoo, let's get this thing over with!

Not so fast!
After waiting about 15 minutes inside, we're told that the bride forgot the flowers for the bridesmaids and groomsmen or whatever. She has to go back to the house to get them. Holy Crap! It's about this time that my mind just starts to wander. Why call it "Church of God"? Is there any other kind??? Isn't that kind of redundant?

Ok, for real this time
The organ lady got on stage and soothed us with the pipes to keep us distracted from the fact that it was now close to 3:00! But they all finally showed up. They walked down the isle. The pastor, who stuttered a lot, mixed up words and started one part over, lead them through their vows and finished up the ceremony in under 12 minutes. From the flower girl to the "May I present to you..." was less than twelve minutes long!!! And that included some candle lighting crap. So we waited over two hours (five for the pastor) for a 12 minute ceremony.
I dont think I have to go into the lame ceremony. It was very "check the box"; very plain and simple. In attendance was not the 300 she had hoped (300 because that's a whole lot of money and presents), but merely a dozen and a half tops. And I think that includes the wedding party.
Two particular things that stood out to me were the fact that the flours we waited over an hour for were FAKE, and everyone in the party with a black tux had on white sox.

Signing the Gues Book
Yes!! I signed it Bear Napples!!!!

Time to Party
I think I was the first to make it to the "backyard reception". The bride arrived shortly there after and the first thing she did was take off her shoes. Maybe they were hurting her, but what a sight is a bride holding up her train in the dirt, barefoot with ankle tatoos. Add to that her wine of choice - Bud Light! It just didn't go well together: dirt, bare feet, wedding dress, Bud Light. She and the groom were taking their "classic" type pictures together. She had her train all stretched out with the plastice flowers on top of it. He was holding her and smiling and they had their arms around each other's back. And from the rear, one could see they each held a beer bottle. After their pictures, they quickly got out of their formal wear and into something more comfortable. I guess shorts and no shoes is very comfortable.

The Scene
It was a rather large yard. I'll be able to show it a little better with the pictures, but it was complete with broken cars on blocks and small wooden fence for the fellas to stand by and drink beer. Shoes and even SHIRTS were optional. I even have pictures of a baby covered with only a diaper and as much dirt as his body would hold. I was able to capture the shots of him drinking stagnant water out of some bucket right next to his mother! How nice!

The Food
The invitations said "Bring a covered dish" My mother brought a fruit salad. Some random lady actually got pissed at her for dishing out fruit to the kids. Who the hell has a problem with their child eating healthy?? This lady yelled at her kids for having too much fruit. She said he needs other stuff too. So she throws on some corn chips and dip!!! Holy Crap lady! And she was really pissed about the fruit thing. To this day, this whole thing boggles my mind! This lady was obviously not into fitness or healthy eating, but to force your kids to eat a "variet" of junk food? I am bewildered!! She mentioned something about "Them kids are going to my house after this so don't be giving them all that fruit!" Maybe she was worried about the sugar making them hyper??? What a bitch she was!
The kids dug into that bowl of fruit like Somalians at a Red Cross tent. It was as if they never had such a food. The reason my mom dished out the fruit in the first place was to keep the childrens' dirty hands from getting all over it.
The deep fried (of course) turkey was good, as was the BBQ steak. What was missing? Hmmmmmm salt? I am not a salt lover. I would never have noticed, but my mom adds it to everything! She asked where the salt is.
"There isn't any", stated the host.
So my uncle was like, "You don't use salt? You don't like it?"
"No, we just can't afford it!" How one can afford cases of beer and huge ass steaks and not salt is another thing that has me boggled.

BYOTP????
If you're expecting three hundred guests at your home, wouldn't you think it might be a good idea to buy some toilet paper? The fact that only 20 or so were there makes me think they should have had a surplus of the stuff! But not even a single roll!!! WTF! This is a wedding party!!

As promised, insensitive greed
You think I shouldn't make fun of rednecks and trailor trash? Well there is no excuse for this:
I begged my mother not to give the bride any money. If she was going to give her anything at all, please make it a "gift". And something the 8 kids could use. But she gave her $100 dollars anyway. Good 'ole Aunt Joy.
I have this other uncle who did not have anything to give. So he asked nicely to borrow some money from my mom. She gave him $50 to give to the bride with a card. This guy lives in a freakin motel for crying out loud, he obviously doesn't have much to give. The bride takes the card without even reading it and looks at the money. "Oh, you could have given me a little more than that". And she chuckled as if it was some kind of joke!! I gave her exactly what she deserved. Nothing.

She's an irresponsible greedy whore. The pastor performed the services for free, and I later found out that he does what he can to take care of her kids and take collections and feed them out of the church's emergency food stock and such. She ONLY attends that church for the handouts. She no doubt learned that trick from an aunt of mine who would send her kids to church for the hand outs!!


Sorry this couldn't be funnier! I wish I was able to be more descriptive and I didn't want this to turn into a rant. When I get the pictures posted, you will be able to see what I saw!! If you ever saw a bad wedding, it can't even come close to this!!!!

And that was the wedding.... as promised. I'll post more if the pictures remind me of other stuff!
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  #2  
Old 06-22-2004, 08:32 PM
friedo friedo is offline
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Oh my. (I take it you didn't actually intend this to end up in GQ )

While the behaviour of the bride and company was certainly reprehensible, I think you could have gone a bit more out of your way to wear something nicer than torn jeans.

JMHO.
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Old 06-22-2004, 08:38 PM
OneYogini OneYogini is offline
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This thread caught my attention BN and I was eagerly awaiting the update!! Now I'm just a little sad. I think I'm gonna go hug my kitty...who is more spoiled than that lady's dirty mostly naked baby who drank the bad water. Ugh...I feel ill. Poor baby. Poor BN.
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Old 06-22-2004, 08:51 PM
Bear_Nenno Bear_Nenno is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by friedo
Oh my. (I take it you didn't actually intend this to end up in GQ )

While the behaviour of the bride and company was certainly reprehensible, I think you could have gone a bit more out of your way to wear something nicer than torn jeans.

JMHO.
Correct!! I DID NOT intend for that to happen. In fact, I was just looking all over for this thing in MPSIMS. I guess putting it in GQ is not as bad as having lost it, which is what I thought happened.

Also, AFA the clothes go you're absolutely right! Two wrongs don't make a right. But the parts about people shirtless and shoeless at the reception was not hyperbole. And people wore shorts and dirty shirts to the wedding itself. Being poor does not mean you can't have a clean shirt.
With that said, I actually looked nice. I really like those jeans and my outfit was not half bad. I dress like that a lot when I'm just being casual. I considered this wedding to be casual.

OneYogini, yeah it doesn't quite have the comedic value I wanted it to. If I actually had feelings, I almost wouldn't be able to laugh over this at all.

Crappy Wedding Inviations = Funny
Crappy Wedding = Lame
Crappy Wedding Reception with Dirty Little Kids = Sad.
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Old 06-22-2004, 10:01 PM
Alice The Goon Alice The Goon is offline
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Can't afford SALT??

I think this is the wierdest part. It's like 35 cents for a big thing of it! WTF??
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Old 06-22-2004, 10:14 PM
Guinastasia Guinastasia is offline
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Holy shit-can't someone call DCF on her about the kids? That's just awful!

The part about the fruit...that's just sad.
  #7  
Old 06-22-2004, 10:28 PM
keturah keturah is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Guinastasia
Holy shit-can't someone call DCF on her about the kids? That's just awful!

The part about the fruit...that's just sad.
Why in the world would someone call the DCF? It does not sound like the kids are neglected or abused. In some situations, kids get dirty. They can be given a bath. Children need to get dirty and, yes, even eat dirt. Studies have linked ultracleanliness and increased use of antibacterial agents in the home to increased autoimmune disorders such as lupus.

And as far as the food choices go, the children do not (from the description given) seem to be malnourished. In all likelyhood the children may well be offered fruit but a fruit salad is a whole different animal than a single apple or orange. In a perfect world all parents would feed their children a well balanced healthy diet, but getting the government involved and taking the children away is not the answer. Something to think about--the government regulates school lunches for nutritional value.
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Old 06-22-2004, 10:40 PM
astro astro is offline
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Oh yeah... I remember that wedding! Here's a picture of the bride.
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Old 06-22-2004, 11:16 PM
harmless harmless is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by astro
Oh yeah... I remember that wedding! Here's a picture of the bride.
Ahem!
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Old 06-23-2004, 05:32 AM
KarlGrenze KarlGrenze is offline
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You could have given them the MRE's. Where there enough rocks or something?

And hey, those have more salt than what you were eating!

Really weird the woman who didn't like the kid to eat fruit. You'd think she'd be glad that the kid is getting something good.
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Old 06-23-2004, 07:05 AM
kittenblue kittenblue is offline
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If those children are unaccustomed to fresh fruit and they eat a lot at once, they may get a touch of the runs. Perhaps she didn't want to deal with a houseful of kids with no toilet paper and urgent bathroom needs.
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Old 06-23-2004, 07:29 AM
Dogzilla Dogzilla is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kittenblue
If those children are unaccustomed to fresh fruit and they eat a lot at once, they may get a touch of the runs. Perhaps she didn't want to deal with a houseful of kids with no toilet paper and urgent bathroom needs.
I was thinking that same thing. I'm related to some trailer park types (step sisters) and they would limit the amount of fruit their kids could eat because of that very reason. These are the same people who would bop their kids right on top of the head for misbehaving. [Kid eats fruit. Whack! Kid drops fruit and runs off for potato chip, crying. Mom sez, "Shaddup er I'll give ya sumthin to cry about. Dogzilla moves to Florida shortly afterward.]

[hijack]
My father is well known amongst my "steps" for his health food obsession. He once bought a bunch of different grains in bulk (50 lb. bags) and a grinder. He created this 7-grain flour that was more like oatmeal in texture, and proceeded to make pancakes one morning. I was used to this sort of thing, ate half a pancake and declared that it tasted like ass. My stepsister brings over one of her demonspawn for my stepmonster to watch. Dad feeds demonspawn a pancake. Demonspawn has never eaten any thing except chicken nuggets and french fries. "It's the only thing he'll eat," whines my stepsister. Demonspawn loves 7-grain pancake, which cleaned out his entire lower digestive tract. Demonspawn was only about 2. My vivid recollection of the 7-grain pancake day was watching this kid run across the backyard with liquid poo streaming out of his diaper. I believe my stepmonster had to hose him off in the backyard several times before he was empty enough to take into the house and put clean clothes on him. Lord knows what would have happened had my father fed the kid fruit!
[/hijack]

I'm anxiously looking forward to seeing the pictures.
  #13  
Old 06-23-2004, 07:31 AM
swampbear swampbear is online now
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Bear_Napples (I can't help it!) thanks for letting us know how it went. Unfortunately, it went just how I pictured it would. I feel for the kids. I want to hug that pastor for looking after them.

But hey, at least the bride and groom had sense enough to hide their beers behind their backs for the formal wedding pictures. Gotta give em some credit for class.

I can't wait to see the pictures.
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Old 06-23-2004, 08:08 AM
bienville bienville is offline
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Just want to say that as I first glanced at the Thread title I read it as:

Bare Nipples attends uh weddin'!

Funny enough that wouldn't have been an inaccurate description!
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Old 06-23-2004, 10:45 AM
teela brown teela brown is offline
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Me, I'm wonderin' if the groom had these lyrics running through his head:

[incomplete lyrics]

Oh help me, please mama, I'm sick'ning
It's today that's the day of the plunge
Oh the gal I'm to marry
Is a bow-legged sow
I've been soakin' up drink like a sponge

[/ic]
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Old 06-23-2004, 10:58 AM
Ethilrist Ethilrist is offline
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Quote:
How one can afford cases of beer and huge ass steaks and not salt is another thing that has me boggled.
Priorities, man. You gotta have your priorities.
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Old 06-23-2004, 10:58 AM
BiblioCat BiblioCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trublmakr
Can't afford SALT??

I think this is the wierdest part. It's like 35 cents for a big thing of it! WTF??
Yeah, that's what I can't get past. I buy plain old salt a lot (I use it to make play-dough for my nursery school class), and I can usually get the generic store-brand salt on sale, 3 for $1.00, those big round containers. Can't afford salt? Whatever.

And I think kittenblue and Dogzilla are right about Fruit-Hating Mom. If the kids don't get much fresh fruit, it probably gives them the runs.
Hey, she gave them corn chips! Corn's a vegetable, right? That makes it healthy!

And Bear Napples, I soooo disappointed that you didn't wear a t-shirt printed to look like a tuxedo. You woulda been really fancy then!
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Old 06-23-2004, 11:24 AM
nocturnal_tick nocturnal_tick is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dogzilla
Demonspawn was only about 2. My vivid recollection of the 7-grain pancake day was watching this kid run across the backyard with liquid poo streaming out of his diaper.
Holy Crap!

What? Mr. Napples told me to say it. BTW I may have missed but was there a Mrs. Napples that accompanied you or did you "effeminate" yourself to become Mr. Mrs. Napples
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Old 06-23-2004, 12:04 PM
UrbanChic UrbanChic is offline
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Aw. I was laughing it up until I read the part about the toddler drinking from the stagnant water.

I'm eagerly awaiting the pictures.
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Old 06-23-2004, 06:12 PM
Cicero Cicero is offline
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I really enjoyed reading this- what a classic!

  #21  
Old 06-23-2004, 06:14 PM
Bear_Nenno Bear_Nenno is offline
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I noticed on preview that none of these links will work if you CLICK on them. You'll have to COPY and then PASTE them into the Address Bar. Sorry for the inconvenience....


Ok. I have the pictures up. I'm not sure how strict Angelfire is about linking to pictures, but we'll try this as long as it lasts. There is a 1GB/month transfer limit, so click once and then view from your cache please. Also, I dont have an HTTP editor and I am not html literate, so I'll describe the pic here and just link to it.

First off I would like to say that this is NOT about being poor. This family recently received a quarter million dollars from a wrongful death settlement. That is more money than probably both my parents will ever make put together. All that money is gone and there is nothing to show for it. What in the world did they spend it on. Their new trailor is about the only evidence they every received that check. FWIW, the lawyer said they could have gotten more had they only been able to prove they "loved" their son and he was an integral part of the family. They had NO photos of him. None on the walls, and none in an album or anything.
They are not degenerates because they are poor, they are poor because they're degenerates.
Also, above is a typo. What I meant was that I was UNable to capture a picture of the baby drinking the water. But I have some of the baby and I got a picture of the bucket.


Keep it in perspective. Remember that this is a romantic wedding reception! Everyone here is wearing exactly what they wore to the wedding ceremony. Though some shirts have been removed. The bride, groom, their kids, and select few had on traditional wedding attire at the ceremony, but they changed as soon as they got home. The rest of them.... They're wearing their Sunday Best.

To set the mood, let's start with a layout of the the land. No redneck yard is complete without a car or two up on blocks, right?
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/yard3.jpg
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/yard4.jpg

The cars all need work. But his real pride and joy is the 'ole dune buggy. It only needs a motor.
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/buggy.jpg

What is with hanging out by the fence? This is sooo King of the Hill. I look at this pic and all I can think is "Yup." "Ummm Yep." "Yup" "ThisIsADangGumKickAssPartyMan.BestDangGumPartyAllYearMan"
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/umyup.jpg

Here are a couple shots of the people having a good time:
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/arrrgh.jp
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/jak.jpg
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/kev.jpg
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/wes.jpg
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/...tailgating.jpg
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/...s/happyday.jpg
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/people.jpg
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/.../tailgate2.jpg

As I walked past these people, I hear "What's he taking all those pictures for? Is he a cop?" Ummmmm, Maybe because it's a freakin Wedding!!
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/youacop.jpg

A wedding reception is not complete without flowers, right? Yes, these are plastic.
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/...niceflower.jpg

Let's take a moment to check on the kids, shall we?

"Hey Look at Me, Mommy! I'm playing on these stumps!"
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/...s/stumpfun.jpg
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/.../stumpfun2.jpg

One of the bride's kids.
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/1of8.jpg

Awwww, doggies!
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/...s/kidsndog.jpg

What is with the puppy under the stairs???
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/...s/stairdog.jpg

The Little Girl Drinking from a Bucket

I'll admit, the pictures don't show her quite as filthy as I remember it. I first noticed her while I was standing by a group of people listening to them talk about motorcycles or some shit. I look down and see this little girl. She had the plastic cap from a sprite bottle in her hand. And she was dipping it into this bucket like some kind of bowel or something. She used this cap to pull out at least 3-4 sips as I watched her. I don't know how long she had been there drinking it. The whole she was at the feet of about 5 adults (not including me ) One of them had to be her mom or baby-daddy. I'm sure some of you will be upset that I didn't stop her, but all I could think was:

1) What the FUCK?!
2) Hell, she's not my kid.
3) Where's my camera.
4) She's really bending over into that bucket. She might fall in and be upside down in a bucket of water. She could drown!
5) I better hurry and get my camera before I miss something really cool!

I know I should have stopped her. But it was like filming a nature documentary in Africa. It's kinda sad, but you just have to sit back and watch as the Tommy's Gazelle is eaten alive by a cheetah.

Here is the baby.
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/dirty.jpg
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/dirty2.jpg

And here is the bucket.
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/bucket.jpg

After All, This is a Reception!
They did have a few of the traditional reception things.

Like tossing the garter.
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/looky.jpg

And the flowers.
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/headsup.jpg
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/igotit.jpg

And the part, where.... you know.
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/ogod.jpg

May I present to you, the Bride
This is right after she took off her dress. I wish I had the camera sooner.
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/noshoes.jpg

Here she is with her dad.
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/.../bridendad.jpg

Here is her mom.
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/.../bridesmom.jpg

Here she is with 1 of her 8 babies.
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/.../momofyear.jpg
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/...momofyear2.jpg

Notice how close that bucket is to all of them. And WTF is that bucket doing there in the first place????? Holy Crap! What is the purpose of a bucket of stagnant water randomly sitting in a front yard full of kids?
Also, does it irk anyone else to see a mother holding her baby with a CIGARETTE in her hand like that? I don't know why, but it just bothers me. Maybe it's the fact that her dad has lung cancer and probably wont last another year or so! Christ, girl, your dad is dieing of lung cancer, can't you take a hint?? On a side note, the story about her dad is kinda sad. The hospital told him he had lung cancer the same day they told him his insurance had been cancelled (I think maybe he was late on payments?). So they sent him home!! They were like, "You have to have this removed immediately! BTW, you no longer have insurance, have a nice day."
There looking into having some nonprofits help them out. But that takes time, and each day that goes by is another day with spreading lung cancer.

The Groom
He's like 12 or 13 years older than the bride. This is his third wedding and he has five kids from those other wives.
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/.../dadofyear.jpg
  #22  
Old 06-23-2004, 06:31 PM
Cicero Cicero is offline
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Hmmm- after viewing those pictures I am not sure what to think. Plenty of tattoo's, and overweight people.

It is the children you do feel sorry for.
  #23  
Old 06-23-2004, 06:31 PM
BiblioCat BiblioCat is offline
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So which one is you,:

http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/jak.jpg ?
or
http://www.angelfire.lycos.com/vamp/napples/kev.jpg ?

::: runs and hides :::
  #24  
Old 06-23-2004, 06:36 PM
Batsinma Belfry Batsinma Belfry is offline
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I can't see the pics even with cut & paste.
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Old 06-23-2004, 06:39 PM
Cowgirl Jules Cowgirl Jules is offline
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Wow, that's incredible. I've been to my share of redneck parties, I thought, but not even close.

A wedding?! Was the bride's mother even wearing pants?

Ain't nothin' says "best wishes" like a backyard full of hairy beer bellies, my momma always said.

Holy crap!
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  #26  
Old 06-23-2004, 06:41 PM
Bear_Nenno Bear_Nenno is offline
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Make sure you have a new window to work with. RIGHT click the link. Then select COPY SHORTCUT. Then click on the Address Bar in your other browser and press Ctrl+V. If that doesn't work, type in the address manually? Hope you have better luck.
  #27  
Old 06-23-2004, 06:47 PM
Yamirskoonir Yamirskoonir is offline
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Crap! None of the photos are working for me! Somebody e-mail Napples and show him how to work one of those newfangled free photo-posting web sites right quick, 'cuz I wanna see me some weddun' pict-chers!

Yeah, I'd do it myself but I have to leave in approx 2.5 seconds...
  #28  
Old 06-23-2004, 07:21 PM
Bear_Nenno Bear_Nenno is offline
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REPOSTED WITH WORKING LINKS and other stuff...

First off I would like to say that this is NOT about being poor. This family recently received a quarter million dollars from a wrongful death settlement. That is more money than probably both my parents will ever make put together. All that money is gone and there is nothing to show for it. What in the world did they spend it on. Their new trailor is about the only evidence they every received that check. FWIW, the lawyer said they could have gotten more had they only been able to prove they "loved" their son and he was an integral part of the family. They had NO photos of him. None on the walls, and none in an album or anything.
They are not degenerates because they are poor, they are poor because they're degenerates.
Also, above is a typo. What I meant was that I was UNable to capture a picture of the baby drinking the water. But I have some of the baby and I got a picture of the bucket.

Keep it in perspective.
Remember that this is a romantic wedding reception! Everyone here is wearing exactly what they wore to the wedding ceremony. Though some shirts have been removed. The bride, groom, their kids, and select few had on traditional wedding attire at the ceremony, but they changed as soon as they got home. The rest of them.... They're wearing their Sunday Best.

To set the mood, let's start with a layout of the the land. No redneck yard is complete without a car or two up on blocks, right?
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/yard3.jpg
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/yard4.jpg

The cars all need work. But his real pride and joy is the 'ole dune buggy. It only needs a motor.
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/buggy.jpg

What is with hanging out by the fence? This is sooo King of the Hill. I look at this pic and all I can think is "Yup." "Ummm Yep." "Yup" "ThisIsADangGumKickAssPartyMan.BestDangGumPartyAllYearMan"
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/umyup.jpg

Here are a couple shots of the people having a good time:
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/arrrgh.jp
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/jak.jpg
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/kev.jpg
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/wes.jpg
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/u...tailgating.jpg
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/happyday.jpg
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/u...les/people.jpg
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/u.../tailgate2.jpg

As I walked past these people, I hear "What's he taking all those pictures for? Is he a cop?" Ummmmm, Maybe because it's a freakin Wedding!!
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/youacop.jpg

**A wedding reception is not complete without flowers, right? Yes, these are plastic.
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/u...niceflower.jpg

Let's take a moment to check on the kids, shall we?

"Hey Look at Me, Mommy! I'm playing on these stumps!"
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/stumpfun.jpg
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/u.../stumpfun2.jpg

One of the bride's kids.
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/1of8.jpg

Awwww, doggies!
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/kidsndog.jpg

What is with the puppy under the stairs???
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/stairdog.jpg

**The Little Girl Drinking from a Bucket

I'll admit, the pictures don't show her quite as filthy as I remember it. I first noticed her while I was standing by a group of people listening to them talk about motorcycles or some shit. I look down and see this little girl. She had the plastic cap from a sprite bottle in her hand. And she was dipping it into this bucket like some kind of bowel or something. She used this cap to pull out at least 3-4 sips as I watched her. I don't know how long she had been there drinking it. The whole time she was at the feet of about 5 adults (not including me ) One of them had to be her mom or baby-daddy. I'm sure some of you will be upset that I didn't stop her, but all I could think was:

1) What the FUCK?!
2) Hell, she's not my kid.
3) Where's my camera.
4) She's really bending over into that bucket. She might fall in and be upside down in a bucket of water. She could drown!
5) I better hurry and get my camera before I miss something really cool!

I know I should have stopped her. But it was like filming a nature documentary in Africa. It's kinda sad, but you just have to sit back and watch as the Tommy's Gazelle is eaten alive by a cheetah.

Here is the baby.
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/dirty.jpg
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/dirty2.jpg

And here is the bucket.
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/bucket.jpg

After All, This is a Reception!
They did have a few of the traditional reception things.

Like tossing the garter.
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/looky.jpg

And the flowers.
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/headsup.jpg
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/igotit.jpg

And the part, where.... you know.
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/ogod.jpg

May I present to you, the Bride
This is right after she took off her dress. I wish I had the camera sooner.
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/noshoes.jpg

Here she is with her dad.
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/u.../bridendad.jpg

Here is her mom.
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/u.../bridesmom.jpg

Here she is with 1 of her 8 babies.
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/u.../momofyear.jpg
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/u...momofyear2.jpg

Notice how close that bucket is to all of them. And WTF is that bucket doing there in the first place????? Holy Crap! What is the purpose of a bucket of stagnant water randomly sitting in a front yard full of kids?
Also, does it irk anyone else to see a mother holding her baby with a CIGARETTE in her hand like that? I don't know why, but it just bothers me. Maybe it's the fact that her dad has lung cancer and probably wont last another year or so! Christ, girl, your dad is dieing of lung cancer, can't you take a hint?? On a side note, the story about her dad is kinda sad. The hospital told him he had lung cancer the same day they told him his insurance had been cancelled (I think maybe he was late on payments?). So they sent him home!! They were like, "You have to have this removed immediately! BTW, you no longer have insurance, have a nice day."
There looking into having some nonprofits help them out. But that takes time, and each day that goes by is another day with spreading lung cancer.

The Groom
He's like 12 or 13 years older than the bride. This is his third wedding and he has five kids from those other wives.
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/u.../dadofyear.jpg


**I just learned that the baby drinking from that bucket is one of the bride's babies. 2 of 8? So she was next to her mom AND dad the whole time. You can see the proximity of the bucket to where they were sitting. Accept that when she was dipping into the bucket, her parents were standing next to it. Not sitting with their backs to it.

Also, the lady in blue standing next to the plastic flowers in the photo is the Infamous "No More Fruit For You" Lady!
  #29  
Old 06-23-2004, 08:00 PM
harmless harmless is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bear_Nenno
As I walked past these people, I hear "What's he taking all those pictures for? Is he a cop?" Ummmmm, Maybe because it's a freakin Wedding!!
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/youacop.jpg
Kind of makes you wonder if that's a "proper" cigarette he's holding, doesn't it?
  #30  
Old 06-23-2004, 08:06 PM
Bear_Nenno Bear_Nenno is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by harmless
Kind of makes you wonder if that's a "proper" cigarette he's holding, doesn't it?
I didn't even notice that before! He even appears to be "hiding" it in the picture. Makes senses, now, why he was so paranoid.
  #31  
Old 06-23-2004, 08:09 PM
harmless harmless is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bear_Nenno
I didn't even notice that before! He even appears to be "hiding" it in the picture. Makes senses, now, why he was so paranoid.
Trust a Doper to point it out.
  #32  
Old 06-23-2004, 08:21 PM
KarlGrenze KarlGrenze is offline
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Eh... So there's no picture of Mr. Napples?
  #33  
Old 06-23-2004, 09:57 PM
Bear_Nenno Bear_Nenno is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KarlGrenze
Eh... So there's no picture of Mr. Napples?
:sigh: I don't have any of me at the reception because I was taking all the pictures. I believe my dad may have taken a picture of me at the church. If he has one, Ill post it.

But, if you insist, here are some of me to hold you over.

http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/u...-R1-014-5A.jpg
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/u...-030-13A_1.jpg
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/u...-032-14A_1.jpg
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/u...15-R1-E037.jpg
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/bunny2.jpg
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/u.../cc1505_10.jpg
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/u.../cc1505_11.jpg
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/u...ittleprick.jpg

  #34  
Old 06-23-2004, 10:31 PM
if6was9 if6was9 is offline
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Hilarious, fascinating, and eventually, disturbing post, Bear_[choose suffix...]! Thanks for the eye-opener into "Life in the South Today..." There sher wer a lotta 4x4s in them pics! And whoever "Chuck" is.... he sher does like dem Mopars!

Don't mean to bum things out, but that is all.... pretty disturbing. I (humbly) think you understand, after your comment about the little girl and the stagnant water and you comparing it to "a nature documentary in Africa. " That is harsh but VERY accurate. I kinda thought there were some really ..... backward... people in the U.S. But it seemed like an exaggeration somehow.... a myth. Wow! No myths here....
  #35  
Old 06-24-2004, 01:19 AM
Poonther Poonther is offline
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Spooky pictures!

How far from location where those pictures taken?

It does look like a North Florida landscape and natives in those shots.
  #36  
Old 06-24-2004, 06:28 AM
KarlGrenze KarlGrenze is offline
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I like the doggy pictures. Those dogs are cute!

You didn't participate in the garter tossing either, I guess?
  #37  
Old 06-24-2004, 06:44 AM
nocturnal_tick nocturnal_tick is offline
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Oh......my......God

That must of certainly been something. From the look of it I kept expecting the FBI or ATF to be surrounding the place. You can almost hear a man shout, "Hey Skeeter, go get yer ol' pa the shotgun."


But the kids were quite lovely, which was surprising. They looked better than the adults, and they were the ones playing in the dirt.
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  #38  
Old 06-24-2004, 07:17 AM
swampbear swampbear is online now
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The disturbing thing for me is, that those are the exact same images I had in my head of what it would look like before Bear_Napples (I swear I won't call you that in any other threads) posted the pics.

I'm curious about the man who was trying to catch the bridal bouquet. Quite interesting, indeed....
  #39  
Old 06-24-2004, 08:09 AM
Ethilrist Ethilrist is offline
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Quote:
"Hey Look at Me, Mommy! I'm playing on these stumps!"
http://www.vibrahost.com/imagehost/uploads/stumpfun.jpg
"Emmaline! Y'all get down from there! You got a splinter last week, and it's Sharlesha's turn now!"

It's nice to see a set of family and friends that are so comfortable together that they can get this relaxed at what would ordinarily be a fairly stuffy, formal occasion.

No, really!
  #40  
Old 06-24-2004, 09:42 AM
GrizzRich GrizzRich is offline
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Is it just me?... or did anyone else have the mental image of a certain Georgia Satellites video running through their heads?

And that song...............YEESH!
It'll take DAYS to get that song out of my head!

<walks away singing quietly "no hug-EE no kiss-EE until I get a WEDdin' ring!">
  #41  
Old 06-24-2004, 09:50 AM
swampbear swampbear is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GrizzRich
Is it just me?... or did anyone else have the mental image of a certain Georgia Satellites video running through their heads?

And that song...............YEESH!
It'll take DAYS to get that song out of my head!

<walks away singing quietly "no hug-EE no kiss-EE until I get a WEDdin' ring!">
'Now honey, my baby, don't put my love on the shelf. She said don't hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself."

I have a confession to make. Some of those men don't look that bad. I either don't have high standards or need some lovin' real bad. Or maybe both.
  #42  
Old 06-24-2004, 10:46 AM
Bambi Hassenpfeffer Bambi Hassenpfeffer is offline
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My trailer-trash dad and his trailer-trash 3rd wife live with her trailer-trash kids about 5 miles from the wedding site, off SR 52When you said "New York Ave" in your OP, all I could think was OH GOD IT'S IN HUDSON.

Hudson is (largely) a dump. There are a couple of developments, on its outskirts, that aren't too bad, but by and large (especially around Little Rd, SR 52, and US 19) it's a dump. I knew when you said it was a trashy Florida wedding what it would generally look like, but when it got narrowed down to Hudson, on NY Ave (which I've been down more than a couple of times), I knew exactly how it would go. When I used to visit my dad and his 3rd wife, it was a very "Gorillas in the Mist" experience. I always felt that I should have kept a diary, like an anthropologist or something.
  #43  
Old 06-24-2004, 11:58 AM
Knowed Out Knowed Out is offline
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Dude, just what are you injecting in those guys you got tied up?
  #44  
Old 06-24-2004, 01:27 PM
Ellen Cherry Ellen Cherry is offline
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I can't get over the pantsless mother-of-the-bride. (At least she LOOKS to be without pants.) Or the fact that the bride saw fit to leave her child in diapers all day. It's Mama's wedding day! Doesn't that at least rate some clothing-like material?

As for the bucket of yellow water, I have no comment. It's difficult to imagine but some people do live like that. So sad to see people raising their children in ignorance.
  #45  
Old 06-24-2004, 02:10 PM
little*bit little*bit is offline
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I always find the way family trees split amazing.

Bear_Napples, just be glad your twig didn't end up on the same branch.
Judging from your pics you aren't even in the same orchard.

After saying that...

How you doin'?
  #46  
Old 06-24-2004, 03:12 PM
Ferret Herder Ferret Herder is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by little*bit
After saying that...

How you doin'?
I'd complain that someone beat me to saying this, but I'm married. Happily. Ah well.

Seeing those pictures almost makes me grateful for the set of inlaws I got with that deal, too. Mmm... well... let me think about it.

I kid! Mostly!
  #47  
Old 06-24-2004, 03:49 PM
Bear_Nenno Bear_Nenno is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by little*bit
Bear_Napples, just be glad your twig didn't end up on the same branch.
Judging from your pics you aren't even in the same orchard.
On a serious note, I have to give my mother 100% of the credit for that. The pantsless mother of the bride, the long bearded fellow, the man who caught the garder... they are all her siblings. They were all raised the same way in the same house. Thank God my mom had ambition!! She swore that her kids would never live the way she did. She moved out at 14!! Just escaped from it all. She got a job, an apartment, and a car with a broken reverse gear. She worked hard and set her priorities. Her three children have always been her number one priorities! She's worked everyday of her life since then and she doesn't waste money on beer or drugs or other nonsense. She never buys anything at all for herself. We have to make sure she gets new clothes and new shoes and stuff, because she will spend every last cent on her kids or her grandchildren!
Though she did drop out of school, I can hardly blame her. She was the oldest of 7 and practically mothered them all since she was three. She was required to change diapers and wash dishes and clean. At three!!! I guess it just made her a better mother!
Any of her siblings could have made themselves as well off as she did. I don't know what their deal is! It's like they just don't mind the way they live. One uncle spends close to $250 a week on BUSCH BEER alone!!! And he's late on his rent and his kids need new school clothes. . . Shit, his kids get our hand-me-downs.
Like I mentioned before, that family in the pics just recently blew through over $250,000!!! Other than the new trailor ($70,000?) I can't see where any of it went!!!
If you'll all excuse me, I need to go hug my mom

Knowed Out, it's Lactated Ringer's. Just a simple IV, but they work wonders for preventing hangovers. Notice the bottle of Jim Beam in his hand.
  #48  
Old 06-24-2004, 07:53 PM
Bear_Nenno Bear_Nenno is offline
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There was another baby in attendance that did not make any of the pictures. His name is Gunner. Gunner?! I actually knew a Gunner once. He was a pure bred weimaraner and belonged to one of my TAC SGTs at Bragg.

Gunner?! ..... wow. That's not like a nicname given at birth either. That's his freakin name! Why not just name him Killer, or Nitro, or something.

Holy Crap!
  #49  
Old 06-24-2004, 08:03 PM
KarlGrenze KarlGrenze is offline
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Bear, so... I repeat the question that was asked earlier... there wasn't a Mrs Napples?


Are you sure the kid wasn't named Gomer?
  #50  
Old 06-24-2004, 08:47 PM
Bear_Nenno Bear_Nenno is offline
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Gomer... lol.

And, nope. No Mrs. Napples. The only Mrs. Napples, is my sister (in-law), Jackie Napples. She was in New York with my brother. Though, if they were in town, I doubt they would have attended. I mean, why would they? My mom went because "family" is the most important thing in the world to her. And I went because I knew it would make a great Thread!!

I have no Mrs. Napples. If I did, I don't think I would subject her to this though.

Quote:
You didn't participate in the garter tossing either, I guess?
Oh I did. But I kept my hands behind my back!!! I made sure to not catch that thing!!!

Oh, and about the MREs. I'm not sharing those!!! They came out with some new menu items and added CLAM CHOWDER. The white kind. OMG, how awesome. When I think about 3 year old clam chowder.... well I dont want to think about it. But it really is good!

BTW, were you just curious if Bambi and I pulled off a hilarious "meet my guy-lover" at the hillbilly party? Or are wondering if I'm single
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