There really is no other way to describe it.
My girlfriend of 5 years confessed to me last night that she was seeing someone else.
I can barely type the words.
It still feels like this is not reality, that it’s just some sort of terrible nightmare, and that’ll wake up any second now with tears in my eyes, and reach out to hold her in my arms tightly. She’ll whisper: “Shhh, it’s just a bad dream, go back to sleep”.
Why can’t it be so? I’d fucking tear the sky from above if it would make it so! I’d do anything.
I feel so empty. Like life is draining from me. All the joy in world that I felt just 24 hours ago has been completely removed, scraped off me like scales from a fish caught by a fisherman, ripped out by a cold, sharp knife.
What do I do? How can I convince her to stay? How can I go on living if the most terrible thing happens and she decides to go with him?
It’s been 5 years. 5 years of memories. 5 years of laughter and love. True, the last few months haven’t been peachy king, and it’s mostly my fault for not taking up some responsabilities I should have take up. Maybe I took her for granted? I don’t know. But whatever I did I wish I could take back. I wish I could go back 5 years ago and relive everything we shared together. I would do it right this time. I would not make the same mistakes again.
But that’s not going ot happen. That’s just some broken dream in my heart.
All I can do is hope, and hope and hope with all my strength that she will stay with me. It’s a terrible feeling. It’s a helpless feeling when the person you love more than anything doesn’t know how they feel about you anymore. I feel like I’m drowning, being held down by a 10 ton boulder, unable to do anything, just holding my breath… just holding my breath…
She says she cares for him, and wants to see him atleast one more time, then she will decide.
It’s so damn terrible. The wait, I can’t take the wait.
Sorry, for this post really. I know most of you would rather read somehting more interesting. But it has helped me vent. And I needed that. For some reason this happenned at a time when ALL my friends are either on vacation, out of state or so busy I haven’t been able to get in touch with any of them. I feel terribly alone and hurt and lost. So this helps.