How do you get some one to figure out you don't like them without being mean?

[ShadiRoxan]

When I first moved into this apartment building I made the mistake of befriending one of my neighbors. I'm a fairly nice person and I like to give people the benefit of the doubt before I dismiss them. This turned out to be a big mistake.

She's not exactly intelligent. She talks a lot and repeats herself constantly. She also has a problem with lying and placing the blame for things on everyone and everything but herself. When she got lost on the way back from visiting her mother's over Christmas she blamed it on the Virginia interstate system. She has a habit of telling people what to do rather than asking them. Several times she's told her babysitter to just get me to watch her children when she's running late. When I can't or don't want to do it she tries to make me feel guilty about it. Never does she offer to compensate me for it.

I could go on for a while bitching, but this isn't the pit and I actually want advice on how to get rid of her. I've tried to avoid her and ignore her, but she doesn't get the point. When I left for about two weeks she called me every couple of days to say the same thing each time. I just stopped picking up my phone, but she didn't get that message either. She comes knocking on my door every couple of days and won't stop knocking until I answer the door (I tried to ignore it once, she tried the door knob). I want to get rid of her, but I don't want any confrontation since we live in the same building. It would be lovely to tell her to back off, but I can't think of a way to really put it without being bitchy. Please, some one tell me how to give this girl a clue that I don't want to be her friend.

[Shirley Ujest]

You could make it a point of pretending your phone is ringing, " Oh, there's the phone...gotta go.."

Pretty your cell phone is on vibrate and say, "I have to take this..gotta go..."

Avoid making eye contact.

Fake your death.

[ivylass]

Well, if she's not very intelligent, she may not get the hint that you don't want to be friends anymore.

She's pawning off her kids on you when she's running late? That's just rude. There is no reason to feel guilty about it.

Keep your door locked and screen your calls, and tell her you can't stop to chat when you run into her.

[Chotii]

Well, you don't have to be mean, to be direct.

Grit your teeth, and the next time she knocks on your door, invite her to come in. Keep your voice gentle, but your gaze firm.

Then do like this:

"I want you to understand something. We are neighbors because circumstances have thrown us together. We are not friends. I am not your friend. I will not watch your children simply because you are late. It's inappropriate for you to assume. If you want me to watch your children, ask me first, get my agreement, and *pay* me for it. But I will not agree, so don't ask. Don't call me, don't come knocking, and do not under any circumstances attempt to open my door by touching the doorknob, unless someone in your household is dying and only I can save them. Now. I don't hate you, and I can be as polite as the next person, but that's where it ends. We are strangers, and that is what we will remain. Do you understand?"

[fluiddruid]

Well, at this point, I think you're in deep enough that you're going to have a hard time with this not going well. If she's callous and selfish enough to expect you to be her free baby-minder despite your complaints, I think she'll be offended if you cut off your relationship with her (and that's what it has become).

But, if you still want to continue, here's what you need to do:

1.) Stop doing things for her. Not cut down, stop. Make it absolutely clear to her that you will NOT be watching her children for her, not even for "just a few minutes". As for guilt, that's up to you. Explain to her that you do not want to be depended on to watch children that aren't yours and that you feel taken advantage of to be pressured about it.

2.) Be away for awhile. Find places to hang out outside the apartment. Go to a library, a coffeeshop, the movies. Come home late. Avoid walking in times when she's usually coming home. Become "distant".

3.) Don't answer the door. If she knocks indefinitely so much that you absolutely can't stand it, go to the door and give her the angry snap she richly deserves. Something along the lines of "This had better be an emergency! No, it's not? Why are you knocking constantly, then? You know I have to be able to hear you! If you knock and I don't answer, maybe that means I'm busy right now and I don't want to be disturbed! Don't knock over and over! I was (sleeping/talking on the phone/in the bath/whatever)."

4.) Lock your door. Christ, walking in without knocking? I have friends who I've known for years and who I will call first before seeing, and I still knock when I get there unless specifically asked not to.

[Green Bean]

You're letting her take advantage of you.

You have to break contact with her. Try to put her off with excuses, and if that doesn't work, be more direct. If that doesn't work, then she's harassing you, and you should act accordingly.

The phone rings, and it's her. Answer it, and say "Sorry, I can't talk now. I'm in the middle of something." Then hang up. Don't let her keep you on the phone. If she calls back, then say, "I told you I can't talk. Please don't call back." And if she does, call the phone company and get her number blocked.

If you run into her, say "sorry, I'm running late" and hurry off. If she follows you, tell her "please stop following me." If she continues, threaten to call the cops. And do it. She has no right to harass you.

She's knocking on your door? Ask who it is--through the door. Say "Sorry, I can't talk now. I'm in the middle of something." If she continues knocking, that's harrassment. Say, again through the door--"I told you I can't see you now. Please go away." If she continues to knock, threaten to call the cops. And do it. She's harassing you plain and simple. And if she's trying to get in the door after you told her she can't come in, that's breaking and entering.

And tell her you won't watch her kids. Ever. If she then tries to dump them with you, either directly or through the babysitter, refuse to take them. If you somehow end up with them anyway, call the cops, because you have abandoned children on your hands.

[Alice The Goon]

What everyone else has said. Tell her up front, straight out, that you are not her friend and/or babysitter. And take a lesson from this and do like I do from now on and NEVER make nice with your neighbors. It's just not worth it.
I've gotten to where I just keep to myself wherever I live. It's alot easier if you imply from the beginning that you're deaf. No obligation to say "hi" in the breezeway, no pressure to answer their pesky knocks on the door, if they ask you for something you can act like you just don't understand what they're saying. Works for me.

[Lynn Bodoni]

First, inform the BABYSITTER that you will not be able to watch the kids. Ever.

More importantly, you say that this woman is not very bright. I'll go further than that. To me, it sounds like she might have some mental problem, be it just poor socialization (her parents never taught her how to behave) or something that can't be cured. Whatever it is, it really isn't your problem to fix unless you make it so. You really can't make her behave appropriately, but you can control how you react to her. Do as Green Bean has suggested, up to and including calling the cops. As it is now, this woman has no incentive NOT to impose on you. You are rewarding her when you talk to her or watch her kids. Don't reward her any more.

[Agent Foxtrot]

I'd be very interested to find out how this ends, ShadiRoxan. Keep us informed.

Adam

[Cyn]

Refusing to do things for a neighbor is not mean, telling a person to stop harrassing you is not mean, not liking an unlikable person is not mean. Please don't feel quilty for not obeying your neighbor's wishes. She obviously is not worried about being considerate of you.

[ShadiRoxan]

It's actually very rare that I do anything for this person. The babysitter realizes that it's not my responsibility to watch the children when their mother can't get there on time. She's quite polite and refuses to run and get me everytime my neighbor tells her to.

I've only watched the children twice. Once was before I knew any better. The second time was yesterday, and that was because the babysitter couldn't afford to miss another class that week due to this woman.

She's tried to make me feel guilty when I refuse but it just ends up pissing me off. I normally give the excuse that I'm not feeling well, which isn't far off from the truth. Everytime I go to her apartment I end up feeling like crap because of the smell of trash, dirty dishes and who knows what else combined with the heat turned up beyond 80. Being that I'm eight months pregnant almost it gets to me really quickly.

I'm almost to the point of wanting to scream fuck off into her face, but I'm a little too chicken shit to do it and I know that I will have to see her again. I'm just trying to find a cowards way out of giving her the hint without outright saying it.

I think Lynn's right in saying this girl has a mental problem. I wish I had just figured that out before I talked to her.

[START]

I was kind of in the same situation before... I made sure that whenever this other person was around someone else was around and when he did something stupid we could both call him on it.

[Zoe]

[quote]ShadiRoxan: There is a middle ground between being "nice" and screaming. You need to assert yourself and be firm. You have a right to be treated fairly too.

1. You don't have to giver her any excuses or reasons. You can just say, "I don't want to." And you can say it over and over and over again. (That's called the broken record technique. It gets the point across very quickly.

2. You can always put a sign on your door that says: "Do Not Disturb." You can even put her name on it! "Virginia, do not disturb!" If she knocks, file a letter of complaint with the landlord. Mention that she has already tried your doorknob when you didn't answer.

3. Remember that you are in control of your emotions and that no one can make you feel guilty without your cooperation. Don't let her win this one. Be strong for you and your baby. You don't need this stress.

[hathaway]

Oh wow, I had this situation about two years ago. She got a boyfriend and I saw or heard nothing of her for about half a year. I thought it was done, but once things went rocky with them, she went back to being my own personal vampire. . . (I have no doubt in my mind that this woman would have allowed me to feed her, clean her apartment, pay her rent, and sit and listen to her babble all day long if I had been so inclined...) I was doing the cold and distant routine from the get-go that time, and seriously starting to wonder what I would have to do to get her off my back, but then an opportunity presented itself... and I moved!

Oh, poop, I forgot to mention my forwarding address. (It's funny, though, she showed up while I was packing and kept saying, "you're moving, aren' t you?"... which I replied, "Nope, just boxing up some stuff for charity." )

I'm still friendly with neighbours but I don't invite them into my apartment until I have a good handle on their personalities.

[hathaway]

Uhh, I should probably clarify I didn't move because of this woman. I had been wanting to move for a while and I had been occasionally looking through the newspapers for about a year... and then I found a nice place that was affordable and in a good location... that is all. heh

[1010011010]

This isn't the pit! Drat. How I wish it was.

Things this woman has said/done.

Claimed to be pregnant. After the third person told her that was a pretty dumb thing to be, considering her financial situation, she shut-up about it. She claimed to have gotten pregnant about 2.5 months ago. She had a blood test showing negative on the pregnancy a month ago. Sadly, she miscarried the next day after the happy announcement and cold "you dumb slut" reception.

Claimed to be late to relieve the babysitter because she was at the hospital because they had to do an ultrasound. Why did they have to do the ultrasound? Well, it seems that her urinary tract infection had spread to her appendix.

Claimed to be late to relieve the babysitter because there was a bomb threat. They do all sorts of annoying security stuff all over the various Norfolk area military sites when any of them recieves a bomb threat. There was no bomb threat.

She's currently a couple hundred dollars in the hole on paying the babysitter. She also feels like she overpays her babysitter. She leaves for work at around 0200 (ah, the military) and is supposed to come home around 1200. So, say 10 hours a day (Ha! minimum), 6 days a week, starting at 2am, babysitting two 16-month old twins in their own home. Guess how much. Come on. Got a number? $150/week... your number was a lot higher than that, wasn't it?

She'll also talk to you whether you're paying any attention to her or not. Actually, it's not really clear who she's talking to, most of the time. I'll look up, and she'll be talking and looking at me. For a little while I tried to catch up on what she's saying. Now, I'll look over at ShadiRoxan, who will be off watching TV or something. She'll have been babbling away for the past five minutes with neither of us listening to her. Then I go back to whatever I was typing. She doesn't stop or even change the way she's talking through this.

She's oblivious to sarcasm. "Ooooh! Another little hat!" seems like laying it on pretty thick. She reportedly thinks I really liked the hat she gave us a couple days ago. I have a feeling that she bought the hat in question a while back for her kids, lost it in her apartment, found it recently, and it won't fit her kids anymore. So she gave it to us.

I think I'm just going to ignore her completely from now on unless it's to ask her to leave.

[ShadiRoxan]

Originally Posted by 1010011010

Claimed to be late to relieve the babysitter because she was at the hospital because they had to do an ultrasound. Why did they have to do the ultrasound? Well, it seems that her urinary tract infection had spread to her appendix.

Quick correction. It wasn't an ultrasound she was claiming to get but rather a cat scan.

[Green Bean]

You're not getting the point.

Originally Posted by 1010011010

Things this woman has said/done.

Claimed to be pregnant. After the third person told her that was a pretty dumb thing to be, considering her financial situation, she shut-up about it. She claimed to have gotten pregnant about 2.5 months ago. She had a blood test showing negative on the pregnancy a month ago. Sadly, she miscarried the next day after the happy announcement and cold "you dumb slut" reception.

Claimed to be late to relieve the babysitter because she was at the hospital because they had to do an ultrasound. Why did they have to do the ultrasound? Well, it seems that her urinary tract infection had spread to her appendix.

Claimed to be late to relieve the babysitter because there was a bomb threat. They do all sorts of annoying security stuff all over the various Norfolk area military sites when any of them recieves a bomb threat. There was no bomb threat.

She's currently a couple hundred dollars in the hole on paying the babysitter. She also feels like she overpays her babysitter. She leaves for work at around 0200 (ah, the military) and is supposed to come home around 1200. So, say 10 hours a day (Ha! minimum), 6 days a week, starting at 2am, babysitting two 16-month old twins in their own home. Guess how much. Come on. Got a number? $150/week... your number was a lot higher than that, wasn't it?

Those things are certainly very interesting, but they're none of your business. If you don't want her in your life, then don't pay attention to her or her issues.

She'll also talk to you whether you're paying any attention to her or not. Actually, it's not really clear who she's talking to, most of the time. I'll look up, and she'll be talking and looking at me. For a little while I tried to catch up on what she's saying. Now, I'll look over at ShadiRoxan, who will be off watching TV or something. She'll have been babbling away for the past five minutes with neither of us listening to her. Then I go back to whatever I was typing. She doesn't stop or even change the way she's talking through this.

But why did you give her the opportunity to babble on? If you don't want her in your life, don't invite her into your home. Don't go into her home. Don't accept phone calls. Read my above post.

She's oblivious to sarcasm. "Ooooh! Another little hat!" seems like laying it on pretty thick. She reportedly thinks I really liked the hat she gave us a couple days ago. I have a feeling that she bought the hat in question a while back for her kids, lost it in her apartment, found it recently, and it won't fit her kids anymore. So she gave it to us.

If you don't want her in your life, why are you accepting gifts from her?

Stop being such a couple of doormats. You don't have to tell her you don't like her. You just have to make yourselves unavailable.

[Brynda]

This woman will not get hints. Not answering the door, saying you don't have time to talk, etc...none of that will work. Memorize Chotii's post and recite it to her. You will have to be that direct with her to get her out of your life.

[1010011010]

Originally Posted by Green Bean

You're not getting the point.

I have expressed no feelings of helplessness about getting rid of this annoying woman. She seems to have gotten the idea that I don't like her, since she seems to bug out shortly after I get home (assuming she's over visiting). On the few occassions where I've answered the door when she's come a'knockin', she's gone back down to her own apartment.

Originally Posted by Green Bean

Those things are certainly very interesting, but they're none of your business.

I agree. She tells us about them anyway... and they're usually entertaining enough in a Stupid Human Tricks sort of way.

Originally Posted by Green Bean

If you don't want her in your life, then don't pay attention to her or her issues. But why did you give her the opportunity to babble on? If you don't want her in your life, don't invite her into your home. Don't go into her home. Don't accept phone calls. Read my above post.
If you don't want her in your life, why are you accepting gifts from her?

Hi. I've never invited her over. I've never invited her in when she shows up. I've never been in her apartment. I didn't particularly like her the first time I met her. I don't recall ever talking to her on the phone.

However, I'm not the only one who lives here, so all the cold shoulder action in the world on my part doesn't necessarily amount to anything if she's already breached the perimeter or I'm not here to make her uncomfortable.

Originally Posted by Green Bean

Stop being such a couple of doormats. You don't have to tell her you don't like her. You just have to make yourselves unavailable.

Talk to ShadiRoxan I'm at work or asleep about 80% of the day... the other 20% I usually don't see this girl, and have no problems getting rid of her.

[Green Bean]

Originally Posted by 1010011010

Talk to ShadiRoxan I'm at work or asleep about 80% of the day... the other 20% I usually don't see this girl, and have no problems getting rid of her.

I assumed you were speaking in support of ShadiRoxan, not in opposition to her, as she is your SO. As you know, it's not customary for couples to air their differences on the board. Therefore, in my reply, I was addressing the both of you as a unit.

I'm sure you didn't intend to sound like you were criticizing your wife about her handling of this matter, but it does sound like you're doing just that.

Perhaps you or your wife ought to request that this thread be closed down.

[Chotii]

Originally Posted by Brynda

This woman will not get hints. Not answering the door, saying you don't have time to talk, etc...none of that will work. Memorize Chotii's post and recite it to her. You will have to be that direct with her to get her out of your life.

Heh. I'm memorable!

Well, the reason I put it so bluntly in my suggested paragraph is this: some people Just Don't Get It. Some people have emotional or mental problems, there are people all over the Functional Autistic spectrum, there are people with genuine inability to read expressions, tone of voice. There are people who *cannot* take the hints that you and I might hear loud and clear. There are people you simply must use the very exact words to express the very exact meaning you require them to understand.

Now, perhaps the lady in question lives in a kind of false reality that anyone who doesn't openly hate her, actively likes her. There are people like that. ShadiRoxen's husband apparently is able to get across the 'I don't like you' vibe in a manner that this neighbor can understand. Or perhaps the neighbor doesn't feel comfortable being visity with a male neighbor. Or just finds nothing in common with him, and doesn't care to hang around him. I can think of a lot of variations on why this might be true - and they don't all involve the neighbor possessing a fine-honed ability to read body language, etc.

In my own life...I had a friend. At least I thought she was my friend, for about a year. Anyway, she got involved in selling Mary Kay at a time of family financial crisis, and over the course of a month or two she became less friendly and more businesslike on the phone with me. I called her perhaps once a week. And then one day she said bluntly, "I don't have time to be your friend." That was the last she ever spoke to me. I still don't understand what happened, and I'm left wondering if that was the truth. But at least I was left with no misundersatnding: she didn't want to be my friend, and she was not my friend. The end. Did it hurt? Yes. Am I still confused? Yes. BUT there is no question about whether a relationship exists any longer. I also know it can be survived, and this neighbor lady won't die of embarrassment or hurt feelings.

[Czarcasm]

Originally Posted by Green Bean

I assumed you were speaking in support of ShadiRoxan, not in opposition to her, as she is your SO. As you know, it's not customary for couples to air their differences on the board. Therefore, in my reply, I was addressing the both of you as a unit.

I'm sure you didn't intend to sound like you were criticizing your wife about her handling of this matter, but it does sound like you're doing just that.

Perhaps you or your wife ought to request that this thread be closed down.

I, too, am under the impression that this is a personal matter that should be worked out together at home, not on a public message board. For this reason, I am going to lock off this thread.