I'm Engaged, and everybody's fine but her dad.

[Only Mostly Dead]

It's not surprising that Only Mostly Missus' father would be angry, and not only because I didn't ask his permission*. If I had asked, he would still have been angry, and said no, then I'd have had the added inconvenience of Missus feeling guilty. Basically, he's playing the role of the overprotective father, whose daughter is going to be too good for the long-haired (when we met, now I'm quite short), lazy (never true, and now I have a good Federal job), no-prospects (see good Federal job) bum. I'm sure he'll come around. Apparantly he expected it, but not until she had graduated college (the marriage won't come until after graduation).

This has been long in coming, among friends we've been calling ourselves engaged for quite some time now (sans ring, and both my mother and Missus' mother have been expecting it and are ecstatic. We caught some others off guard, but not negatively.

Tell me this father thing is, indeed, fairly common. I can (and apparantly will need to) explain myself quite positively to the man, but we've never gotten along well. We're very similar people in that we're not small-talkers. If we speak, it's because it's something worth saying. We're both shy, and we just can't get a dialogue going about the weather or politics or football or belching.

Mostly this is just a mundane thing I want to share. Engaged, huzzah!

*I didn't ask permission because it's a ridiculously antiquated custom that only signifies the woman should not have any say in the proceedings of her own engagement, that she is simply passed along as chattel from father to husband. Barbaric.

[Rashak Mani]

Just don't push the old guy into a corner... or silly arguments. You would probably be overprotective of your daughters too. Just be nice around him and give him time. Eventually he will realize that your good for his daughter... and that his behaviour is bad for your relationship.

[silenus]

Just give him plenty of room. If you don't force the issue, he'll come around when he realizes how happy you make his daughter.

[Keapon Laffin]

Congrats on the engagement!

I'm sure the father will come round. Its probably just that she's pretty young, and he didn't expect to be giving her up so soon.

[Only Mostly Dead]

Originally Posted by Keapon Laffin

Congrats on the engagement!

I'm sure the father will come round. Its probably just that she's pretty young, and he didn't expect to be giving her up so soon.

She'll be at the last big passage-to-adulthood age barrier of 21 in about a month. And she'd been mature and independent enough to be a full adult for at least as long as I have known her. And not particularly close to the dad, where he would be giving up much, except the potential to have a doting daddy's girl. But yeah, he will come around.

Like I said, I mostly just assume this to be the normal "father" reaction, espcially for the firstborn daughter. I know my father feels it for my little sister well enough, and the guy is far and away the best one she's been with.

[Fiveyearlurker]

Does your fiance have a sister? If so, just hope that she marries a real piece of crap.

That's how I became the good son in law. It's all relative.

[Syntropy]

1. Yes. It's very common.
2. It doesn't matter how old she is. He's no longer his daughter's hero. You are. You male types are unbelievably possessive. On the other hand....
3. He will get over it. Why? Because your future MIL loves you and is deliriously happy about it. As long as she and your mom are happy, it'll be fine. Her father will eventually come around. Hang on to the job for another twenty years or so, and he'll even admit you're not a bum. (kidding. It won't take that long. Probaby.)

[Syntropy]

Oh, and congratulations.

[fishbicycle]

My father-in-law had serious misgivings about me, imagined all the worst possible things about me and said as much. He figured we'd be living in a trailer. Says he had to go on Prozac to deal with the stress. But he didn't object to the wedding after two years of long-distance courtship, and hasn't been problematic since. Well, since he discovered that I was actually telling the truth, and that I got a good, professional job and his daughter and I live in a nice house in the suburbs, we've never been poor and I don't mistreat his baby. It's probably brownie points for me that I've never asked for nor accepted any money from him that wasn't a Christmas gift. We get along fine now. In fact, he was here on the weekend. I feel just like family.

[fishbicycle]

P.S.: what maureen said! (I hit Sumbit too soon.) Good luck!

[Only Mostly Dead]

Originally Posted by Fiveyearlurker

Does your fiance have a sister? If so, just hope that she marries a real piece of crap.

That's how I became the good son in law. It's all relative.

Ah, there's the good news! There's a younger sister, she's unbelievably naive and immature, and will doubtlessly get knocked up by the end of high school. I'll definitely rank higher than the younger sister's baby-daddy.

Kidding.
About it being good news. Probably not kidding about the event...

So, Maureen, you're trying to tell me it all rests on you women, and I'm just being played along? You have your own little clandestine society, meetings, secret handshakes and all, don't you? Guess I'm the chattel. Cool, I'm a made man!

[Fiveyearlurker]

Originally Posted by Only Mostly Dead

Ah, there's the good news! There's a younger sister, she's unbelievably naive and immature, and will doubtlessly get knocked up by the end of high school. I'll definitely rank higher than the younger sister's baby-daddy.

That's exactly what happened in my case. Knocked up, no job, drug habit.

Suddenly, I'm a pretty good catch.

[Stuffy]

My MIL gave my wife's ex-boyfriend my number shortly after she moved in with me (keep in mind this was after our engagement). Since then, we've gotten married, and two of her kids have returned home (ages 30 and 41) . After our fire, she gave us $500.00 unasked, to help us get back on our feet.

[AngelicGemma]

Congrats!

Some parents react strangely to engagement news. I was fortunate that when I announced my engagement earlier this month my parents were very both very pleased. My fiancé’s mum on the other hand thinks we should have warned her in advance that we were getting engaged.

Just give him some time, and hopefully he'll come round.

[Zebra]

Just wait, five years from now your father-in-law will be insisting how he always knew you were the guy for his daughter and how he always liked you.

[Nava]

Originally Posted by Zebra

Just wait, five years from now your father-in-law will be insisting how he always knew you were the guy for his daughter and how he always liked you.

Hear, hear!

It's exactly what happened to my brother.

Gratz to you and the missus

[Little Bird]

I dunno, my Dad met my future fiancee before we were even dating, kept slipping into conversations how nice that Dan is and stuff. Now he's talking like crazy about grandkids and we're still 4 months until the wedding. They don't all take a while to come around.

[RitzyRae]

My family thought my boyfriend was the Devil. Then he became my fiance and achieved a somewhat lesser demonic status. Now we are married, and he gets more presents at Christmas than I do!

The long and the short is: time heals all wounds.

Plus, I was the first to leave the nest. I think they were all a bit shell-shocked... like I would stay forever.

[Kythereia]

Unless your name is Mort and your father-in-law carries a scythe, I wouldn't be worried. He'll come around--what's not to like about you?

Congratulations!

[Trunk]

Will you also refuse his offer to pay for the wedding because that is also antiquated and barbaric? Or is that a moot point with him?

My brother-in-law failed to "ask permission" before marrying my sister-in-law (the sister of my wife -- god we need a name to differentiate).

The dad was not happy. He eventually got over it.

I didn't "ask permission" but before we announced it, I told him privately that I was going to ask his daughter to marry me and I just wanted him to know first. Of course his daughter knew. It brings him into it, makes him a part of it, removes him from the surprise when you announce it to the whole family.

He just said "congratulations" and shook my hand.

It may be archaic. It's not barbaric. It's polite and respectful to the man who gives her away and pays for the wedding. And most of the guys I know who didn't do it were just too chicken-shit.

And if you choose to offend the guy because you think his viewpoint is barbaric, then why do you expect to warmly embraced into the fold?

[Ferret Herder]

Originally Posted by Trunk

And if you choose to offend the guy because you think his viewpoint is barbaric, then why do you expect to warmly embraced into the fold?

Well, apparently the "antiquated and barbaric" thing was only a side issue - he expected to be told no anyway.

I guess I'm surprised that the whole "pay for your daughter's wedding" thing is still in effect - my mother paid nothing as we told her we expected nothing and were paying for our own wedding. And that we did.

[hijack]My FIL, not long after the news of our engagement - which he spurred on with talk of 'I want to see you married because I could drop dead any day - but don't dare elope or you're disowned' - told my husband that he hopes we didn't expect him to pay for anything, because I'm not his daughter. Then as the wedding approached, he bitched about not being included in planning (hello, no one else but us was involved), then offered to walk me down the aisle in the place of my deceased father since he's a father figure to me. No thanks, and no.[/hijack]

To the OP: Your wife is happy, your MIL-to-be is happy - your FIL-to-be will probably come around. (Probably.) I wasn't good enough for my husband for quite some time, but things are fine these days. My father adored my now-husband when he was still a boyfriend, but never got the chance to be asked or not asked - I assume he would have been in favor of the match, though.

[Mycroft H.]

Originally Posted by Only Mostly Dead

... So, Maureen, you're trying to tell me it all rests on you women, and I'm just being played along? <snip> Guess I'm the chattel. Cool, I'm a made man!

Uh Only Mostly Dead, this is a very important concept and a successful (for you) wedding and marriage is dependent on you. It sounds as if you know this, it’s just a matter of remembering it. Just practice the husband’s mantra - “Yes dear, that sounds like a good idea.”

Congrats. Keep her happy and her father will come around. (A suggestion on the keeping happy part - Serve her breakfast in bed. If she likes it, do it often. We asked for bed trays as a wedding present. I’ve made breakfast most weekend days for four years now and enjoy treating her like a queen as often as I can.)

[monica]

I don't really have anything useful to add, but I just wanted to say Congratulations!

[monica]

I don't really have anything useful to add, but I just wanted to say Congratulations!