A question/poll…
Is it still common to ask the father for permission to marry his daughter? Is it unacceptable not to ask?
Guys - Did you ask?/Ladies - Did he ask your dad?
How long ago?
Your reasons why or why not to ask?
When I proposed to my gal, thirty-odd years ago, and she accepted, we began the planning and preparation for the wedding. I then drove the 430 miles to where she lived with her parents and spoke privately with her father. I didn’t exactly ask for his permission. I phrased it rather more carefully: I told him that I had asked his daughter to marry me and she had accepted. Then, looking him in the eye, I said that we would both very much like his blessing and approval. Not exactly asking for her hand, but I think he appreciated the fact that I made the effort to talk to him personally, with respect. (His answer was equally respectful, but very warm as well, in essence saying that he would be glad to have me join the family.) But I was always rather old-fashioned, and believed (and still believe) in certain formalities that don’t seem too common anymore.
Nowadays, I doubt that many young people ask for permission or approach the matter with any real formality, vis-a-vis the bride’s father (or mother). When my own daughter became engaged, her fiance got me aside and approached the subject in much the same way I had done, but I’m reasonably sure that he got the idea from my daughter, who had heard me tell the story and probably let him know that I would appreciate a similar formality. (I welcomed him to the family the same way my father-in-law had.) But I strongly suspect that most young couples today simply announce their engagement to the parents (assuming they even speak to their parents) and that’s that.
If you want a warm relationship with your in-laws-to-be, it would be very nice if you asked for the blessing and approval of your future father-in-law. It isn’t required, of course, and your bride-to-be may well laugh at you for being silly and old-fashioned! I do, however, think if you approached things the way Khangol expressed so wonderfully in his post above, your future father-in-law will look upon you with favor.
I never had a “wedding” (Mr. SCL and I eloped) but from what I have read about them, it might not be a bad idea to have someone on your side…
About 15 years ago for me and I did ask my future FIL. However it was more important that I got approved by my wife’s Grandmother, FIL’s mom.
She was definitely the matriarch of the family.
I asked because it was the polite and traditional thing to do.
Jim
My grandmother once told me how my mother get engaged to her first husband. She was 16 and pregnant (in 1791) Grandpa “proposed” to him on my mom’s behalf.
A good number of my friends have formally asked their girlfriends’ fathers (and mothers in some cases) for permission to marry. I was actually surprised at how common the practice still is.
I personally didn’t ask my wife’s mother (her father’s not around). I’ve always been on good terms with her, she likes me, she knew we were planning to get engaged, and she was supportive and encouraging. I didn’t see the need to ‘formally’ ask permission; I already knew her feelings on the matter.
So, your mom was born in 1775… The family’s noted for longevity, right?
Yes, and that’s just his mother. His grandmother was alive long enough to talk to him, and boy imagine the stories she must have had! She could say “No taxation without representation!” and have it mean something. Unlike youngsters today who say it only because they heard it from P. Diddy.
Not common anymore as far as I know.
My Dad would have laughed his ass off if my fiance had asked for permission. As a grown women, I’m capable of making my own decisions. My Dad and fiance both realise this, and respect it.
While my fiance didn’t ask for his blessing either, that wouldn’t have bothered me. As I consider it a different matter. This is as long as he spoke to both my parents, and not just my Dad.
I’m not married.
A number of my conservative Christian friends have performed some form of ritual in which they asked permission. Common responses include “It’s sweet of you to ask me, but you really need to ask her” and some amusement. There were others who did appreciate the gesture. Generally the relationship had progressed to the point where the person(s) asked for permission were not surprised by the relationship, and had a pretty good clue which way the daughter was leaning. Some of these conversations took place in person, and some over the phone, depending on the relative locations of the dating couple and the parents.
I think a great number of people ask for the parents’ blessing, or permisson, or whatever. I know I did six years ago. It’s certainly unlikely to be a deal breaker in most cases in this day and age. More of a respectful and gentle way of easing the 'rents into the notion that they are about to enter Old Fogeyhood.
The only response I am familiar with is “Over my dead body.”
Same here. My family would have rolled over laughing at the idea of asking ‘permission’ on my behalf, and I’d have felt patronized and offended had it been expected.
My boyfriend and parents (and myself) are all kind of old-fashioned. I’m pretty sure that if my boyfriend were going to ask me to marry him, he’d approach my parents to get their approval (which they’d give because they know I love him) and possibly advice on how to ask me without me killing him (I’m not big on public humiliation, so a public engagement would piss me off).
I think that in today’s society it’s more of a heads-up. “Hey, I’m gonna ask Tashabot to marry me - just so you don’t have a heart attack when we announce it.” Or something similar. But it’s still polite - most parents, even when their daughters grow up, still see her as their baby girl. I know my parents do. And fathers, especially, can get possesive over their baby girls. It’s best to forwarn them that that phase really is over.
~Tasha
My husband asked my mom and dad (separately, they’re divorced) for their blessings. This was in 2004. My parents are pretty traditional, and my husband was always considered a little “out there” by my family (he’s a scruffy, liberal, artist-type boy), so it was mainly a gesture to show he can and will be respectable. I think they really appreciated him giving them the heads-up, so it was a smart move on his part. They get along very well with him these days.
My husband didn’t ask my dad, as we’d eloped almost 3 weeks before they met. And I was nearly 30 and had been living on my own for 10 years, so it’s not like my dad had any say in my life.
My daughter’s fiance called and asked us both for permission and our blessing. She’s 21 and in college, and while technically still our dependent, we don’t have a whole lot of control of her life either. Plus he’d already proposed to her by the time he called us - what would he have done if we’d said no??
Personally, I didn’t find it particularly charming or endearing or anything, but he said the right thing when he promised they wouldn’t marry till she graduated. Which means I won’t be a mother-in-law before May of 2008. But if they do wind up getting married (she’s had and dumped a lot of boyfriends) I’ll be OK with it, even if he hadn’t called us.
With my first wife, she lived with her Aunt and Uncle. They were a pretty tight-knit latin family. I asked her to marry me first, and afterwards asked her Uncle and Aunt permission for me to marry them. Her parents were in Peru at the time and when they came down a week later, I also basically asked them for their blessing. I just did it as a show of respect. By the way, I was 19 years old and she was 18.
With my current wife we were both adults on our second marriage and although I did not ask for permission (her Mom was around), I did tell her that I was going to ask, out of respect.
I hope that when my daughter is about to get engaged, I get the chance to ‘give permission’, in a sense to the guy that asks for her hand. I think it would make me respect him and trust him a little more.
Hey, Dad…you know me and Julie been shackin’ up for a while now? So we’re goin’ to Vegas next weekend to get hitched! See ya when we get back!
See, my father’s “blessing” or “permission” means nothing to me, so I don’t particularly need the boyfriend to go ask him for it. My mother’s opinion is more important, but even then I wouldn’t want her to be asked. Partly because I’m my own person, and not really hers to give away, and partly because if it was a surprise Mom would ruin it by being all giddy and evasive and weird until the official proposal. Mom is terrible at keeping secrets.
Yes, it’s cute and old-fashioned, and a nice tradition, but it wouldn’t apply very well in my family.
I asked my mother-in-law, but it was really half-formality, half-joke. My fiancee and I had already decided and her mom already knew and was happy about it, but we decided to include the tradition to let her know we weren’t shutting her out (her husband had passed away and my wife is her only kid, so this was a concern).
It’s a good thing, though, that her mom didn’t take it that seriously, since I screwed up my line three times.