On Valentines day I’m going to ask my long time girlfriend to marry me (I know she’ll say yes). Her family and I get along and it’s not too much of a drive for me. I’m not really a traditional guy (Atheist) and I don’t expect her parents to pick up the wedding check but it still seems wrong to not ask for daddy’s blessing first.
Did you or your spouse ask the relevant father first?
Yes, Airman kind of asked for my parents’ blessing before we got married. Of course, I was two months’ pregnant with his child, so it was a done deal, but his asking endeared him to my parents.
I think it would be a nice gesture to do that. It lets her parents know your intentions are honorable.
Good luck!
Robin
I did. He was very touched by the gesture.
The way I look at it, there may be cases where the FIL wouldn’t care if you didn’t. But, I can’t imagine a case where he would be offended if you did.
I say go for it.
Make sure it’s what she would want, too! I would be beyond offended if my SO asked my father for permission; he never respected me as an adult, why should he have any say in my decisions now? If you think your ladyfriend would find it charming, go ahead.
IMHO the children are the very heart of the father, by getting his blessing he is fully releasing her to you, w/o it he still has a spiritual hold on her.
My daughter got married a bit over 2 years ago. My son-in-law didn’t ask for my blessing, and I did not expect him to, since my daughter was grown up and could decide things for herself. (She’s actually very sensible, and they seem to have both made a good choice in deciding to get married).
I’d ask her before I ask him. as Annaamika said, this might rub her the wrong way (and it might actually rub the father the wrong way, too. My dad would find it pretty weird).
I would feel weird if my man went to my father for symbolic permission. Because I’m just not that close to my father, even though we still see each other often enough.
I think it depends on the woman involved. Some are traditionalists and would like the gesture, some might be pissed. You know her best - good luck!
Oh, and come back and let us know how it goes!
Personally, I would never do it. There were hundreds of years in which women were considered the private property of the father and then the husband. But these days we’ve figured out that human beings are not possessions.
Now true it would be intended as nothing more than a nice gesture, regardless of what the history of the practice might be, but that doesn’t sell me on going ahead with it.
I can imagine a case where she (your SO) might though! Yeah just make sure that’s what she would want. My father said he would have been kind of taken aback if my boyfriend had asked permission and would have promptly said ‘It’s fine by me but you should probably ask YoudNeverGuess - it’s up to her who she marries after all!’
It depends on culture really. But it could cause offence to your partner. OTOH I suppose you probably know her pretty well by now…
Ditto on what Anaamika and Kalhoun said… if she’s really close to her parents, it would be a sweet gesture, but skip it if she’s the independent type. I’ve been on my own for over 10 years now, and I’d be mildly pissed if The Boy were to ask my father for his blessing, because I’m a grownup and don’t ask my dad for permission to do much of anything.
That said, if you decide to get the parental seal of approval before proposing, talk to her father AND her mother. After all, they both had a hand in raising her, so it’s not like her father’s approval has any more weight than her mother’s.
I agree that it really depends on the father-daughter relationship and more importantly about how she feels about it.
My wife and her family are pretty traditional, so she was all for me asking. My in-laws knew what was coming because after I sat down on the couch to ask my FIL, he pulled a index card out of his pocket with some particulars he wanted to go over first! :eek:
If I marry my current girlfriend, I certainly wouldn’t - her father’s an abusive bastard and I’d prefer neither of us ever sees him again. Even if that weren’t the case, I still wouldn’t. I think it’s a really chauvinistic tradition and I don’t see the appeal. I know some people do, and whatever floats your boat.
This thread will probably go another two or three pages, Sitnam, but the bottom line is that you should ask your girlfriend if she wants you to - and if she says no, you definitely shouldn’t. As far as that goes, it’s not ‘the thing done.’
My boyfriend is insistent that he would want to ask my father’s blessing before he proposed to me. I think it is a stupid tradition, personally, but if it makes my boyfriend happy I won’t complain about it.
It just sets up a weird dynamic to me. If I call my parents and say, “Guess what? I’m getting married!” and they say, “We know!” that kind of ruins it for me. I want them to be excited and surprised and all that jazz. Asking them for their blessing before hand means that everyone in my life knows I am getting married before I do (my parents are blabbermouths, so EVERYONE will know.) And then to make things worse, what if I said no? Then I would have to deal with weeks of phone calls from people congratulating me on my impending wedding and have to tell them that I turned him down which would make for awkward conversation. Besides that, I am an adult and whether or not my father gives his blessing wouldn’t impact my decision making process in the slightest, so it is truly the most pointless thing ever. If you are like my SO and it would make you feel better because you can’t imagine proposing without her father’s blessing then by all means call him, but if you just think it is what you are supposed to do don’t bother with all of that nonsense.
I’d have been livid if my husband had asked my father’s permission before we got engaged. My husband knew this, and didn’t ask. Of course, he also didn’t really propose, as we made a joint decision to get married.
It really depends on the girl and her family.
Do what you think would make her happy. If she has a close relationship with her father or if he’s the old-fashioned type, it certainly won’t do any harm,
FWIW, my husband called my dad before he proposed and I thought it was very sweet. There’s a difference between asking for permission and asking for a blessing. We would have gotten married with or without it, but giving him the heads up was a kind gesture.
My husband had every intention of asking my dad before he proposed, but he couldn’t get hold of my cell phone to get their number before the time came. (My parents live 8,000 miles away, so an in-person convo wasn’t possible.) It wasn’t a big deal to me – it does seem a little archaic, but I do see how it’s kind of sweet. His parents knew that he wanted to propose.
Anyway, when he did propose we called my parents right away and gave them the news. My dad called right after we hung up and wanted to speak with Chris – told him he was very happy and that it was a wonderful thing, etc. So to reiterate what others have said, it just depends.
If you know she’s going to say yes, surely you know whether or not she’d want this. Also, if you do it at the very least ask both her parents’ permission. Kind of takes the whole ‘Can you transfer your property over to me?’ angle off it.
What were they, if you don’t mind my asking?
I would have been very offended if Mr. Neville had asked my father for permission to marry me. I love my father, but now that I’m an adult he doesn’t tell me what to do. I don’t consult him on other major life decisions (well, we did ask for his advice on the houses we want to buy, because he’s handy and we’re not), so why should I consult him on this one?