My brother got engaged a couple months ago. He’s 28 and she’s 30-somthing. He squared it with her first, and they had already started preparations before he “asked” her dad. I don’t remember the exact way he did it but I do recall some sort of snafu in the process because her dad is a tool. I think instead of taking it as a nice gesture he took it as “why do you need MY permission?” and somehow made my brother feel really bad. It went a lot easier for him when he approached her mom and stepdad, who are NOT tools.
If hell freezes over and I ever get proposed to, I would expect my fiancee to at least talk to my dad. The formality of it gives me the warm fuzzies.
My husband didn’t. Then I told my dad I was engaged, and my dad threw a hissy fit, and said my husband should’ve asked. My husband, to his everlasting credit, did.
My ladyfriend is originally from Peru and, although she isn’t on speaking terms with her father right now, the last time we visted her mother (who also lives in the States), I spoke privately to her and said that we would be getting engaged soon and I hoped that I had her approval and blessing. She said that I did and that she was pleased that I had asked her and now her biggest issue is that I haven’t proposed yet.
I’m single and dating, not engaged or anything - and I understand it’s “the thing to do” in some families - but asking the father seems very condescending to the daughter. I think that’s a good reason not to do it.
My father proposed to my mother (1963) with a long-drawn speech about how he hoped she loved him even if just a bit but actually he loved her enough for both because he loved her infinitely and infinity divided by two is still infinity and… basically, she was thinking “will you cut the math and get to the freaking question, or will I have to knock you unsconscious with a vase and when you come back up say ‘I do’?”
There was a formal “petition” ceremony, where his parents asked hers for the already-given hand, Dad gave Mom a necklace and she gave him a watch.
My brother came home one day and told us they’d set a date and of course they expected Mom to be the Godmother (as is customary here in Spain). Anybody who, after 7 years of courtship, still thought they might not be getting married, was a pessimist and/or thinking of road death statistics My parents got all worked up because “they weren’t waiting for Dad to heal” (the wedding took place in November, Dad died in February… if they’d waited, they would have had to wait at least another 6 months for “propriety”, UGH!). SiL told her parents herself by the method of announcing that her Dad was going to need a new suit - as befits the wedding’s Godfather.
If I ever say “yes” to a marriage proposal, I’m going to inform Future NavaHubby that if he dares ask Mom or, worse, my brothers (both younger than me), for permission, I’m permitting his ass over the border with a size-5 imprint. I may take said ass back later, after appropiate chocolate sacrifices have been performed, but seeeeriously, how old do you need to be?
I got married just over a year ago. I did not ask permission for my FIL. My wife to be was in her thirties and not living alone. the decision of whetehr or not to marry me was hers and hers alone, I had no intention of asking permission of anyone.
I would consider it to be a pretty serious problem if not a deal-breaker. Asking my father for permission to marry me says nothing more than that I am property and is extremely disrespectful. I also think that it’d be quite wrong if I wasn’t the first person, other than the asker, to know about the plan.
If I want my father to know I’m getting married, I will tell him.
When my fiance’s sister got married, they told no one and got hitched in a bar on a Tuesday night by a justice of the peace. Her parents were pretty upset by this. So, when I proposed there was extra pressure to do everything right. If her sister hadn’t done what she did, I don’t know if I would have asked permission. I have a very good relationship with her parents so I knew what the answer would be, but it was still a nerve racking thing to do.
Short answer: Only Mostly Dead didn’t ask permission 2 years ago when he proposed.
Longer answer: He bought the ring on a Friday afternoon, came home Friday night to join me at my apartment for dinner, and proposed on the spot. I don’t think he really had time to call my parents. (I’m also not really sure he intended to propose so quickly, but I had a bad day and he wanted to cheer me up maybe?) I had been dropping hints to my mom that it was coming, but I guess she had kept my dad in the dark. We had to go home the next weekend to make sure he wasn’t going to kill OMD.
Two of my sisters are married and both of their husbands “asked permission” to my parents before they proposed. The husband of my first sister to get married actually asked both parents and all three sisters, but it was more of asking for our blessings than anything else. If we had raised any concern, that probably would have made him think twice and ask himself why he might not be welcomed into the family. We all love him to death though and had been bugging him about when he was going to pop the question. I imagine he asked permission partly out of tradition (he’s a proper Southern gentleman).
With the next sister to get married, her husband asked permission in hopes of living up to the other sister’s husband. Again, he asked both parents, but not the sisters. He probably knew better than to ask us; we would’ve said no. Had my first BIL not asked and not been praised for asking and being such a gentleman about it, the second one probably would not have asked.
I’ve been married for 7 years now, and when it was time to “do the asking,” I cleared it with the FIL prior to the event.
It was going to happen regardless of his answer, but it was out of respect that I asked. He was thrilled that I respected him enough to ask, and somehow kept the secret until we had left on the scheduled trip on which I was going to ask. (And did, and she said yes).
I’m a bit old fashioned, and it was the right thing to do. My BIL asked my Dad for my sister’s hand, but like my question, the answer was a pre-ordained “Yes”.
I hope the man my daughter will someday marry (undetermined, she’s only 17mo old now), will have the respect to ask me prior to asking her. My answer won’t matter, but it’s the gesture that counts. IMO, YMMV.
I asked, even though she was 30 at the time. We had already talked about getting married before I asked, and I mainly asked out of respect. I think it meant a lot to her father that I did ask.
Sounds like it depends a lot on the culture one in which one grew up. In my milieu, asking for a “blessing” (not for “her hand”) is close to de rigeur, and very few brides-to-be would find it condescending.
That said, the unwritten rules are somewhat different depending on the housing situation/age of the bride. Asking a living-at-home 21-year-old requires a blessing. Proposing to 45-year-old divorcee? No need to ask anyone anything.
Add me to the husband asked the folks for their “blessing” not “permission” pile.
I don’t come from a big family and, as I said in this earlier thread “My parents mean a lot to me, he means a lot to me. I’m proud he spoke to them. It was what they would have expected and I’m sure they respect him for doing so”.
Think again my friend … when the boyfriend of an Italian friend of mine proposed she said “yes” only on condition that he inform her parents … she was in her late 30s, a divorced mother of 4 (3 from the marriage, one from the boyfriend and another on the way !!)
I was still learning the basics of the Portuguese language. I boldly dialed a long series of numbers that eventually connected me with a telephone in Rio de Janeiro, and I asked my wife’s father for permission to marry her, in Portuguese. He said yes .
It is one of my fondest memories.
Why did I?
I was taught that it was a sign of respect, and I figured that if it was a good idea to do so here, it was doubly important to do so in a foreign land. When I finally met the man, I found him to be one of the kindest, warmest individuals, and I felt honored to have asked his permission and received it.
Those that are offended at the question- taking it as if the woman is the father’s “property” or some such- are missing the point. Asking for permission or a blessing isn’t really a request for permission or a blessing. It’s a time-honored tradition of a show of respect to the family of the woman that the man intends to spend the rest of his life with.
When you marry, you marry into a new family. You’re basically telling this new family that, to varying degrees, you’re inviting yourself to become a part of it. I don’t see how a respectful, going-through-the-motions comment to the father of your future bride is wrong in any way. Unless the couple is in their early teens or something- to the extent that that’s even legal- the parents of the bride-to-be have to know that most couples will do what they want to anyway, with or without their blessing. Or permission.
My parents got all worked up because “they weren’t waiting for Dad to heal” (the wedding took place in November, Dad died in February… if they’d waited, they would have had to wait at least another 6 months for “propriety”, UGH!). SiL told her parents herself by the method of announcing that her Dad was going to need a new suit - as befits the wedding’s Godfather.